for Children of Winata9/27/2009 c2 
40Jareth the Monk
I wonder if there is going to be a parallel romance between Zeen and the princess, and Jack and the slum girl. Also, I casually noticed that the invading country Cinah could be read as an anagram for China, as Winata could become Taiwan. Could this be merely coincidence? Otherwise the idea of parallel fates influenced by the same situation from opposite ends is appealing. Come on, chapter three.
40Jareth the MonkI wonder if there is going to be a parallel romance between Zeen and the princess, and Jack and the slum girl. Also, I casually noticed that the invading country Cinah could be read as an anagram for China, as Winata could become Taiwan. Could this be merely coincidence? Otherwise the idea of parallel fates influenced by the same situation from opposite ends is appealing. Come on, chapter three.
9/26/2009 c2 13Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu
Well, nothing much of a comment for this chapter. To me, it doesn't really have any different feel to it unlike the previous chapter. But then again, my memory is rather short, so I might be forgetting something when I'm reading this one. Anyway, I never imagine the slum residents to be rather patriotic. If there's anything to go by, they will be more concerned for their lives in this situation. To me, slums are always the result of inept government in terms of the rich-poor divide. Just look at India and you'll know. So yes, I do think it's a bit of a paradox which is something I'll be looking forward to it being cleared up. Of course what I've said here is my own opinion. Maybe the slum residents here really did have a sense of honour although in reality, I don't think it's highly possible. As for Jack, I guess you're making him out to be a vital character here. Will be interested to see what you can do about it. :) Apart from that, nothing much to say. Getting hungry now and that impeded my thought process. :S
P.S: The Eternal Grail is done with a new chapter. All I need is to do a bit of spell check and I'll most likely have it up by end of this week. :)
13Tsumujikaze no SoujutsuWell, nothing much of a comment for this chapter. To me, it doesn't really have any different feel to it unlike the previous chapter. But then again, my memory is rather short, so I might be forgetting something when I'm reading this one. Anyway, I never imagine the slum residents to be rather patriotic. If there's anything to go by, they will be more concerned for their lives in this situation. To me, slums are always the result of inept government in terms of the rich-poor divide. Just look at India and you'll know. So yes, I do think it's a bit of a paradox which is something I'll be looking forward to it being cleared up. Of course what I've said here is my own opinion. Maybe the slum residents here really did have a sense of honour although in reality, I don't think it's highly possible. As for Jack, I guess you're making him out to be a vital character here. Will be interested to see what you can do about it. :) Apart from that, nothing much to say. Getting hungry now and that impeded my thought process. :S
P.S: The Eternal Grail is done with a new chapter. All I need is to do a bit of spell check and I'll most likely have it up by end of this week. :)
9/26/2009 c1 40Jareth the Monk
Figured I'd give a new story a chance while I'm waiting on a new chapter for a different one to be posted. I think if I was Zeen I would have eaten the pups or the momma dog to stay alive, just remove what clothing you have and strangle them with it, probably feed you for a week. The ancient Romans ate dog, you know- but not the breeds which were good for shepherding, guarding, or (for the rich) keeping your lap warm.
Having not read the original version I came into this without prejudice, so I didn't see any mistakes, don't know enough about the plot yet to point out any holes. Black and Rags should be meaner to the kids, like beating up the one for eating (its a dog-eat-dog world out there).
40Jareth the MonkFigured I'd give a new story a chance while I'm waiting on a new chapter for a different one to be posted. I think if I was Zeen I would have eaten the pups or the momma dog to stay alive, just remove what clothing you have and strangle them with it, probably feed you for a week. The ancient Romans ate dog, you know- but not the breeds which were good for shepherding, guarding, or (for the rich) keeping your lap warm.
Having not read the original version I came into this without prejudice, so I didn't see any mistakes, don't know enough about the plot yet to point out any holes. Black and Rags should be meaner to the kids, like beating up the one for eating (its a dog-eat-dog world out there).
9/23/2009 c1 13Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu
Heya. Me again. :) Sorry for the belated review by the way. Got caught up with my own stuff here. Anyway, I think that this new rewrite was much better than the previous version. You really did well in putting the additional scenes here especially on the Peacekeepers. I never imagine that the force comprised of beggars though. To be honest it's pretty much illogical in the training aspect. If you want to create a peace keeping force, the very least is to let the soldiers have a certain degree of professional training. I think this should be something you might have to take a look at. Apart from that, nothing much to say except that I'll be interested to see what will happen to Zeen. Sorry for this short review. I really can't think of anything to say right now. Brain has gone dead. x.x
13Tsumujikaze no SoujutsuHeya. Me again. :) Sorry for the belated review by the way. Got caught up with my own stuff here. Anyway, I think that this new rewrite was much better than the previous version. You really did well in putting the additional scenes here especially on the Peacekeepers. I never imagine that the force comprised of beggars though. To be honest it's pretty much illogical in the training aspect. If you want to create a peace keeping force, the very least is to let the soldiers have a certain degree of professional training. I think this should be something you might have to take a look at. Apart from that, nothing much to say except that I'll be interested to see what will happen to Zeen. Sorry for this short review. I really can't think of anything to say right now. Brain has gone dead. x.x
9/22/2009 c1 FieldsOfLove
Wow! Now that, is what I call awesome! (Yu seem to be good at writing such stories. :P)
How can a Princess just take people, that's weird. xD But I like her name. I like all the names. Rags is the coolest though... :D
*Thumps up!* Looking forward to read the next chapter. :P
Ps. I really like the way you insert these: *. xD They make a great 'pause'-like-thingy. óÒ
Wow! Now that, is what I call awesome! (Yu seem to be good at writing such stories. :P)
How can a Princess just take people, that's weird. xD But I like her name. I like all the names. Rags is the coolest though... :D
*Thumps up!* Looking forward to read the next chapter. :P
Ps. I really like the way you insert these: *. xD They make a great 'pause'-like-thingy. óÒ
9/20/2009 c1 9Alteng
I'm back. I've been sick and then one of my coworkers was sick. It pushes the work load off on us heavier. Too tired to read when I get home.
Anyway, to the chapter. This time around you do round Zeen's character out better. He is not the average beggar character, because the beggars seem to form a caring group.
I do believe in the orginal that you had the princess point out to her father that Zeen had saved her life to provoke him to take him in.
I was a little confused at the beginning of the section about the Peacekeepers and Black, because I thought that they were the palace guards at first. You might want to start the part there off with a description of who they are before going on with the conversation with Rags. Do the palace guards have association with them? After all, one of the guards went after the thugs.
Anyway, I might be ranting on with no reason and I missed something. My head isn't working all together yet.
I look forward to seeing how the next chapter works out with the introduction of the other characters.
9AltengI'm back. I've been sick and then one of my coworkers was sick. It pushes the work load off on us heavier. Too tired to read when I get home.
Anyway, to the chapter. This time around you do round Zeen's character out better. He is not the average beggar character, because the beggars seem to form a caring group.
I do believe in the orginal that you had the princess point out to her father that Zeen had saved her life to provoke him to take him in.
I was a little confused at the beginning of the section about the Peacekeepers and Black, because I thought that they were the palace guards at first. You might want to start the part there off with a description of who they are before going on with the conversation with Rags. Do the palace guards have association with them? After all, one of the guards went after the thugs.
Anyway, I might be ranting on with no reason and I missed something. My head isn't working all together yet.
I look forward to seeing how the next chapter works out with the introduction of the other characters.
9/20/2009 c1 13VelvetyCheerio
Hello there. Came to review this piece. This seems to be a new direction you're taking, you're doing rather well with it, so far.
I don't quite understand the beggar boy. He's surviving like an animal, hungry, cast on the streets, probably because of the corrupt King, who can have a chariot and support his daugher with a Palace and servants and baubles and all the other things fit for royalty, and yet, he still jumps in the way to save her?
Really?
Either he has no self preservation and just loves the beautiful Princess who has left him with such a horrible life, or he has a plan in mind.
Next was the big info dump at the end about the Peacekeepers. You really didn't need to have that in there. You could have revealed their role through conversation or something else as the story progressed.
Also, I realize you are a very indecisive person, but you delete and start up new stories so much, I do not know how to handle it all that well. So I'm asking that you stick with this story for as long as it lasts, please. Thank you.
Velvet.
13VelvetyCheerioHello there. Came to review this piece. This seems to be a new direction you're taking, you're doing rather well with it, so far.
I don't quite understand the beggar boy. He's surviving like an animal, hungry, cast on the streets, probably because of the corrupt King, who can have a chariot and support his daugher with a Palace and servants and baubles and all the other things fit for royalty, and yet, he still jumps in the way to save her?
Really?
Either he has no self preservation and just loves the beautiful Princess who has left him with such a horrible life, or he has a plan in mind.
Next was the big info dump at the end about the Peacekeepers. You really didn't need to have that in there. You could have revealed their role through conversation or something else as the story progressed.
Also, I realize you are a very indecisive person, but you delete and start up new stories so much, I do not know how to handle it all that well. So I'm asking that you stick with this story for as long as it lasts, please. Thank you.
Velvet.