for Children of Winata12/4/2010 c2 
1Eiya Weathes
["I'm home." As soon as he entered, a tense wall of emotion rose to meet him, suffocating him.
Something was wrong.]
- I like how you showed the tenseness of the atmosphere. It gave me chills just reading it.
The magpie is a nice touch and I like the way you creatively whip out phrases that have me in awe.
A brilliant chapter.
- Amethyst Penn
~ This review is sponsored by The Roadhouse.
1Eiya Weathes["I'm home." As soon as he entered, a tense wall of emotion rose to meet him, suffocating him.
Something was wrong.]
- I like how you showed the tenseness of the atmosphere. It gave me chills just reading it.
The magpie is a nice touch and I like the way you creatively whip out phrases that have me in awe.
A brilliant chapter.
- Amethyst Penn
~ This review is sponsored by The Roadhouse.
12/4/2010 c1 Eiya Weathes
[Danger is seductive. War is a drug.]
- Short sentences but with a powerful impact. It already captivated me.
I like your opening paragraphs, they're a really good hook.
There's nothing really wrong here. At all.
I like how you made everything a bit more modern and I love your perspective.
I can't really point out something or even critique such beautiful writing. Ha ha.
- Amethyst Penn
~ This review is sponsored by The Roadhouse.
[Danger is seductive. War is a drug.]
- Short sentences but with a powerful impact. It already captivated me.
I like your opening paragraphs, they're a really good hook.
There's nothing really wrong here. At all.
I like how you made everything a bit more modern and I love your perspective.
I can't really point out something or even critique such beautiful writing. Ha ha.
- Amethyst Penn
~ This review is sponsored by The Roadhouse.
11/30/2010 c13 8Kobra Kid
Chapter 16:
Noo! The Wise One died? But, who will be the new leader? Urgh ... such a good twist, haha.
I don't like Jade, I prefer Jack. I don't know, Jade seems girl-ish to me, but I can still sort of see why he chose that name ...
Even though the whole chapter had nothing important happening, it still gave us a little more insight into Wolf's character, which is good.
Chapter 17:
Damn it, you make your villains so ... human. That's what you're naturally good at - making your antagonists not just straight up evil people, but they also have a human side to them. Keep that going with Maximillian!
O.M.G. "ready to warm my bed tonight?" how creep IS THAT! Ugh, I have a love/hate relationship with him ...
-Kobra Kid, Roadhouse
Can you please payback via Ace Of Spades? Much appreciated and thank you (:
8Kobra KidChapter 16:
Noo! The Wise One died? But, who will be the new leader? Urgh ... such a good twist, haha.
I don't like Jade, I prefer Jack. I don't know, Jade seems girl-ish to me, but I can still sort of see why he chose that name ...
Even though the whole chapter had nothing important happening, it still gave us a little more insight into Wolf's character, which is good.
Chapter 17:
Damn it, you make your villains so ... human. That's what you're naturally good at - making your antagonists not just straight up evil people, but they also have a human side to them. Keep that going with Maximillian!
O.M.G. "ready to warm my bed tonight?" how creep IS THAT! Ugh, I have a love/hate relationship with him ...
-Kobra Kid, Roadhouse
Can you please payback via Ace Of Spades? Much appreciated and thank you (:
11/30/2010 c51 6Devil's Playground
Really intense scene at the beginning. It's so gritty and so easy to picture that it really made me cringe; they're really fighting like animals. Urgh, vicious. You have some great details, and the shorter sentence structure is very effective at making it clean-cut and easy to understand what's happening.
I love that even the Cinah that have been there a while are not glad to see the newcomers. Maybe there's still some hope...? D:
The Cinah's arrival is a very powerful scene, and very emotionally impactful. The descriptions of Claire, Lillian, Black, etc. being abused is really hard to read, since they're all characters we know and love. :c Especially Lillian's valiant attempts to fight back, even knowing that it's hopeless. Gah! I thought he shot her for a moment, I was about to freak out. x_x Not Lils!
OH, MAX. My faith and love for him just increased tenfold. It must be so difficult to stand up against people from his own country (presumably, a superior) - especially when he's standing up for the enemy.
AAH. CLIFFY! C'MON WILL, YOU KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO!
The next chapter is the last? Oh geez. D: I'm dreading and yet anticipating the end. I can't wait to see how you wrap things up, and how all of these beloved characters end up.
As always, looking forward to more!
6Devil's PlaygroundReally intense scene at the beginning. It's so gritty and so easy to picture that it really made me cringe; they're really fighting like animals. Urgh, vicious. You have some great details, and the shorter sentence structure is very effective at making it clean-cut and easy to understand what's happening.
I love that even the Cinah that have been there a while are not glad to see the newcomers. Maybe there's still some hope...? D:
The Cinah's arrival is a very powerful scene, and very emotionally impactful. The descriptions of Claire, Lillian, Black, etc. being abused is really hard to read, since they're all characters we know and love. :c Especially Lillian's valiant attempts to fight back, even knowing that it's hopeless. Gah! I thought he shot her for a moment, I was about to freak out. x_x Not Lils!
OH, MAX. My faith and love for him just increased tenfold. It must be so difficult to stand up against people from his own country (presumably, a superior) - especially when he's standing up for the enemy.
AAH. CLIFFY! C'MON WILL, YOU KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO!
The next chapter is the last? Oh geez. D: I'm dreading and yet anticipating the end. I can't wait to see how you wrap things up, and how all of these beloved characters end up.
As always, looking forward to more!
11/30/2010 c50 Devil's Playground
I like the rain/tears comparison, it's a powerful image and it also helps set the mood.
And ahh, the woman running down the hill, that I could also really picture. Great description. That entire scene was well done, building up to the message she writes.
No! Not more Cinah! D: Well, shit. If there was any hope for peace with Max, there certainly won't be any with newcoming Cinah.
"The words echoed in Will, like the blue magpies kyaking. The sky stilled around him, like a blanket cocooning him." - Such pretty imagery! And the parallel structures with the sentences is really effective, it really flows, and has a practically poetic sound to it.
D'aw, Gleo and Will are friends! Hurray! But, uh, guys, bigger problem at hand. Geez, men and their poor sense of timing. ;D Haha. And yay, another chapter! Onward!
I like the rain/tears comparison, it's a powerful image and it also helps set the mood.
And ahh, the woman running down the hill, that I could also really picture. Great description. That entire scene was well done, building up to the message she writes.
No! Not more Cinah! D: Well, shit. If there was any hope for peace with Max, there certainly won't be any with newcoming Cinah.
"The words echoed in Will, like the blue magpies kyaking. The sky stilled around him, like a blanket cocooning him." - Such pretty imagery! And the parallel structures with the sentences is really effective, it really flows, and has a practically poetic sound to it.
D'aw, Gleo and Will are friends! Hurray! But, uh, guys, bigger problem at hand. Geez, men and their poor sense of timing. ;D Haha. And yay, another chapter! Onward!
11/30/2010 c28 1esthaelum
...My... heart is aching...
I prefer Pan and Black Dove... Even though Will was there for her as well, and helped her through really tough times, I always thought that it was Black who saved her... Then again, at some point, I did like Will and Pan together, but after the last few chapters, Im all for Pan and Black. Damn it. The pairings I like never become official...
Silent One is goddamn cute. I love her!
RH~
1esthaelum...My... heart is aching...
I prefer Pan and Black Dove... Even though Will was there for her as well, and helped her through really tough times, I always thought that it was Black who saved her... Then again, at some point, I did like Will and Pan together, but after the last few chapters, Im all for Pan and Black. Damn it. The pairings I like never become official...
Silent One is goddamn cute. I love her!
RH~
11/30/2010 c27 esthaelum
I hope Pan will make it... I like her!
I loved how she entered this story! Pretending she was a boy and fooling everyone was a really great way to introduce her character...
I liked Wolf here.
I think you did a nice job exploring a different side to his character!
RH~
I hope Pan will make it... I like her!
I loved how she entered this story! Pretending she was a boy and fooling everyone was a really great way to introduce her character...
I liked Wolf here.
I think you did a nice job exploring a different side to his character!
RH~
11/30/2010 c26 esthaelum
Black Dove seems to be becoming more of a character now... Not that he wasnt before, but we're starting to 'see' his personality more now. I feel like I can understand him easier now, and his mysteriousness is still there, but he's starting to become more clearer. He's still my fave character though!
"Fuck me,"
"No thank you."
- HA! BLACK DONE, I FRIGGING LOVE YOU. Im really loving this side to him! He's like a cool dad! He doesnt want Will to swear around Silent One, aww :')
RH~
Black Dove seems to be becoming more of a character now... Not that he wasnt before, but we're starting to 'see' his personality more now. I feel like I can understand him easier now, and his mysteriousness is still there, but he's starting to become more clearer. He's still my fave character though!
"Fuck me,"
"No thank you."
- HA! BLACK DONE, I FRIGGING LOVE YOU. Im really loving this side to him! He's like a cool dad! He doesnt want Will to swear around Silent One, aww :')
RH~
11/30/2010 c25 esthaelum
Woohoo! The Black Dove gets more scenes! I think he's my favourite character! I can't resist mysterious characters like him...
"Unkempt, wild, and she swears a lot. I mean, a lot."
- LOL! How very spot on...
SILENT ONE IS SO FRIGGING CUTE.
Aaw, brotherly reunion! How moving :D
RH~
Woohoo! The Black Dove gets more scenes! I think he's my favourite character! I can't resist mysterious characters like him...
"Unkempt, wild, and she swears a lot. I mean, a lot."
- LOL! How very spot on...
SILENT ONE IS SO FRIGGING CUTE.
Aaw, brotherly reunion! How moving :D
RH~
11/30/2010 c24 esthaelum
THE BLACK DOVE! HE'S SO EPIC! I love how we hardly know anything about him, and yet he's so kind and caring towards Pan... I think it's really sweet. He really treets that child so wonderfully too. He'd make an awesome daddy :D
I really do love the relationship between him and Pan. I think it's really beautiful. He's just there, taking care of her and her baby...
Oh, and Jack and Lillian are a good couple too! It's nice how their personalities contrast each other :D They both need each other to learn to trust other people :)
RH~
THE BLACK DOVE! HE'S SO EPIC! I love how we hardly know anything about him, and yet he's so kind and caring towards Pan... I think it's really sweet. He really treets that child so wonderfully too. He'd make an awesome daddy :D
I really do love the relationship between him and Pan. I think it's really beautiful. He's just there, taking care of her and her baby...
Oh, and Jack and Lillian are a good couple too! It's nice how their personalities contrast each other :D They both need each other to learn to trust other people :)
RH~
11/30/2010 c51 Tawny Owl
I loved the way you dropped us straight back into the action. It was a bit disorientating that they were going for eyes though, when last time we saw them they'd only just started. It was good how you made the action move fast without becoming like a list though. Enjoyed that, and it felt very focused and confused. Especially Zeen getting hit in the stomach without knowing where it's coming from.
I am quite curious about how BD will react to more ships of Cinah though? I wonder if he has a plan to stop the bloodshed?
Again, I'm not sure Zared and Max would just stop because they were told to. Well Max might, but Zared has gone a bit beserker...
Tense stuff. It was odd seeing Thomson and Claire taken though. I think you might need to think about showing how that happens as it feels like another bit of a time jump, and I don't think you'd lose any of the suprise in this chapter.
I liked the build up of Will taking the pistol, but I don't believe for a second that he's going to shoot Max, not now.
I'm curious to see what sort of world is going to get built after this, and whetehr all teh Cinah stay, or some want to go home? They can't all be in Gleo's position can they?
I loved the way you dropped us straight back into the action. It was a bit disorientating that they were going for eyes though, when last time we saw them they'd only just started. It was good how you made the action move fast without becoming like a list though. Enjoyed that, and it felt very focused and confused. Especially Zeen getting hit in the stomach without knowing where it's coming from.
I am quite curious about how BD will react to more ships of Cinah though? I wonder if he has a plan to stop the bloodshed?
Again, I'm not sure Zared and Max would just stop because they were told to. Well Max might, but Zared has gone a bit beserker...
Tense stuff. It was odd seeing Thomson and Claire taken though. I think you might need to think about showing how that happens as it feels like another bit of a time jump, and I don't think you'd lose any of the suprise in this chapter.
I liked the build up of Will taking the pistol, but I don't believe for a second that he's going to shoot Max, not now.
I'm curious to see what sort of world is going to get built after this, and whetehr all teh Cinah stay, or some want to go home? They can't all be in Gleo's position can they?
11/30/2010 c50 Tawny Owl
The rain had lightened a little, but it still drizzled down her cheek. Almost like tears, he realised. - that's good, but she clearly isn't crying, so tell us what else Will sees.
his long legs swinging fast strides towards her - nice description, and nice reminder of what Gleo looks like.
Her teeth chattered, and her eyes were drifting. Already the pupils wandered, forwards, to the right, up her head... - like this detail too. Maybe put in more liek that to show us what the woman looks like - she may be about to die but still make her more real.
wondering if she had gone back in time before the time of her death - I liek teh idea, but why would Pan think that? Does teh woman look more peaceful? Childlike? And how does that make Pan feel?
Aww, another nice ending, and I liked the moment where Will looks at his hands, and the 'us' was so subtle. I'd almost forgotten where Will had come from too. It was nicely balanced.
The rain had lightened a little, but it still drizzled down her cheek. Almost like tears, he realised. - that's good, but she clearly isn't crying, so tell us what else Will sees.
his long legs swinging fast strides towards her - nice description, and nice reminder of what Gleo looks like.
Her teeth chattered, and her eyes were drifting. Already the pupils wandered, forwards, to the right, up her head... - like this detail too. Maybe put in more liek that to show us what the woman looks like - she may be about to die but still make her more real.
wondering if she had gone back in time before the time of her death - I liek teh idea, but why would Pan think that? Does teh woman look more peaceful? Childlike? And how does that make Pan feel?
Aww, another nice ending, and I liked the moment where Will looks at his hands, and the 'us' was so subtle. I'd almost forgotten where Will had come from too. It was nicely balanced.
11/30/2010 c49 Tawny Owl
You're back in business, and I'm finally reviewing this chapter! Hooray!
It's been a while so bear with me...exciting start though, curious to see how you break down the image and relay who's on the three horses and where they are all going.
Poor horse, Pan is more of a BD person than an animal person. On a side note this makes me think about her background. Where did she grow up? Has she ever ridden a horse before? And I'm curious as to what led BD to that subtle bit of emotional manipulation. (Sending Will's bird to stop him killing Gleo, that is) Because he couldn't have known it would work, not completely..
I'm hoping we get to see more of an emotional reaction from Will when he recovers too - although the physical recognition with the scent and the weight was spot on.
When Black takes down Zeen what happens to the fight around them? How to Zeen's erstwhile enemies react? And how are the two armies fighting? Are they still in any sort of formation? Who has the best ground? Will taking down Zeen leave a gap in the Winata lines? And if both armies have been going for quite a while it's very likely that both Zeen and Black are going to land on something unpleasant - the men Zeen has just cut down for starters. There would probably be no grass left: it's been churned to mud by now.Sorry, I did a work shop on battle scenes a few weeks ago, and now consider myself an expert :) Can you tell?
Ooh, sibling rivalry. I'm not sure who I want to come out on top. Zeen is turning into a bit of an insane Rambo, but Black has always had this holier than though thing going on.
He flicked a sword away with a dagger? really?
The tip of his sword flicked, colliding with Zeen's.- so zeen still has his sword, despite being grounded? I think you need a bit more description of positioning and what not.
And rain too - ohh, epic. This could be good. Build it up more, seriously, milk it for all it's worth, especoa;;y since princess is about to throw her weight in. Grrhh.
it had the power to halt the fighting around them. - Does it? do they all just stop? I'm not buying it. There'd be too much noise and chaos going on. Sheruna's voice may mean teh world to Zeen, but I don't think the rest of the battlefield would care. They might stop later when Zared and Max's fight becomes so bloody and show downy it's worth selling tickets for?
Tell us what Max and Sheruna look ike when they arrive too. Max must have had to fight his way through at least a bit, and it's probably Sheruna's first battle so show how she has reacted to that, or how she looks to Zared who has been seperated from her for so long.
Ohh, good last line.
You're back in business, and I'm finally reviewing this chapter! Hooray!
It's been a while so bear with me...exciting start though, curious to see how you break down the image and relay who's on the three horses and where they are all going.
Poor horse, Pan is more of a BD person than an animal person. On a side note this makes me think about her background. Where did she grow up? Has she ever ridden a horse before? And I'm curious as to what led BD to that subtle bit of emotional manipulation. (Sending Will's bird to stop him killing Gleo, that is) Because he couldn't have known it would work, not completely..
I'm hoping we get to see more of an emotional reaction from Will when he recovers too - although the physical recognition with the scent and the weight was spot on.
When Black takes down Zeen what happens to the fight around them? How to Zeen's erstwhile enemies react? And how are the two armies fighting? Are they still in any sort of formation? Who has the best ground? Will taking down Zeen leave a gap in the Winata lines? And if both armies have been going for quite a while it's very likely that both Zeen and Black are going to land on something unpleasant - the men Zeen has just cut down for starters. There would probably be no grass left: it's been churned to mud by now.Sorry, I did a work shop on battle scenes a few weeks ago, and now consider myself an expert :) Can you tell?
Ooh, sibling rivalry. I'm not sure who I want to come out on top. Zeen is turning into a bit of an insane Rambo, but Black has always had this holier than though thing going on.
He flicked a sword away with a dagger? really?
The tip of his sword flicked, colliding with Zeen's.- so zeen still has his sword, despite being grounded? I think you need a bit more description of positioning and what not.
And rain too - ohh, epic. This could be good. Build it up more, seriously, milk it for all it's worth, especoa;;y since princess is about to throw her weight in. Grrhh.
it had the power to halt the fighting around them. - Does it? do they all just stop? I'm not buying it. There'd be too much noise and chaos going on. Sheruna's voice may mean teh world to Zeen, but I don't think the rest of the battlefield would care. They might stop later when Zared and Max's fight becomes so bloody and show downy it's worth selling tickets for?
Tell us what Max and Sheruna look ike when they arrive too. Max must have had to fight his way through at least a bit, and it's probably Sheruna's first battle so show how she has reacted to that, or how she looks to Zared who has been seperated from her for so long.
Ohh, good last line.
11/29/2010 c49 6Devil's Playground
Again, excellent imagery at the start of the chapter. All of these chapters have really great opening lines that help set the mood and such.
Gah, phew, Pan arrived just in time! If anyone can talk some sense into War, it's her. I love the "you're not a murderer" line - simple but really effective. I think it's what he needs to hear.
And I love the contrast between that and the next scene. Holy wow, Zeen has really lost it. D: I can definitely see where he's coming from, but geez... you really convey his bloodlust and desire for revenge here. It's especially powerful given that he's one of the few that knows the truth about Jack's death, so he doesn't have that misconception driving him.
The image of the rain trying to clear the blood away is excellent. So excellent. x_x Seriously, this chapter and the ones leading up to it are just so well written, so rich with powerful imagery. Absolutely love it.
No, Black and Zeen, don't fight! T_T It makes me so sad!
AAH. NO. I'M CAUGHT UP. AND YOU CAN'T JUST STOP THERE LIKE THAT. YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME. DYING. DYING.
6Devil's PlaygroundAgain, excellent imagery at the start of the chapter. All of these chapters have really great opening lines that help set the mood and such.
Gah, phew, Pan arrived just in time! If anyone can talk some sense into War, it's her. I love the "you're not a murderer" line - simple but really effective. I think it's what he needs to hear.
And I love the contrast between that and the next scene. Holy wow, Zeen has really lost it. D: I can definitely see where he's coming from, but geez... you really convey his bloodlust and desire for revenge here. It's especially powerful given that he's one of the few that knows the truth about Jack's death, so he doesn't have that misconception driving him.
The image of the rain trying to clear the blood away is excellent. So excellent. x_x Seriously, this chapter and the ones leading up to it are just so well written, so rich with powerful imagery. Absolutely love it.
No, Black and Zeen, don't fight! T_T It makes me so sad!
AAH. NO. I'M CAUGHT UP. AND YOU CAN'T JUST STOP THERE LIKE THAT. YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME. DYING. DYING.
11/29/2010 c48 Devil's Playground
"Now Winata is my home" - aah! Great turning point, I love that it's the first time he's said it aloud, even though it seems he's believed it for a while.
Ooh, I love the description of Zeen from an outsider's point of view. Describing him as wolflike, hungry, wielding "power that could destroy"... it certainly paints a scary image. I know I've mentioned it before, but I have to point out again that I absolutely adore the way you switch perspectives throughout this story. Seeing characters from another point of view really helps you show them in a new light, and I think it's very important to get multiple sides to the same story.
Yeahh, as I thought, Will isn't going to be easy to convince. D: Oh geez. Guess Gleo needed a little more than my wish for good luck to help him out here, huh.
GAH, INTENSE ENDING. Talk about a cliffhanger! I love the final lines, so epic, so emotionally powerful. Dying to find out what happens next!
"Now Winata is my home" - aah! Great turning point, I love that it's the first time he's said it aloud, even though it seems he's believed it for a while.
Ooh, I love the description of Zeen from an outsider's point of view. Describing him as wolflike, hungry, wielding "power that could destroy"... it certainly paints a scary image. I know I've mentioned it before, but I have to point out again that I absolutely adore the way you switch perspectives throughout this story. Seeing characters from another point of view really helps you show them in a new light, and I think it's very important to get multiple sides to the same story.
Yeahh, as I thought, Will isn't going to be easy to convince. D: Oh geez. Guess Gleo needed a little more than my wish for good luck to help him out here, huh.
GAH, INTENSE ENDING. Talk about a cliffhanger! I love the final lines, so epic, so emotionally powerful. Dying to find out what happens next!