for Children of Winata11/29/2010 c47 
6Devil's Playground
I love the imagery at the beginning - it's a nice opener, and really captures Claire's feeling. I also like the contrast between that and the end of the chapter - it starts off with news of life, ends with news of death. Poor Claire. D: But at least she hasn't lost both of them.
Gotta admire Black for being the only one strong enough to tell her, too. But even he seemed reluctant about it. God, that has to be hard.
Not a lot to say about this, since it's pretty short, and I'm dying to hurry onward! XD I feel like maybe this could be combined with the last chapter, though? Since they're both pretty short.
6Devil's PlaygroundI love the imagery at the beginning - it's a nice opener, and really captures Claire's feeling. I also like the contrast between that and the end of the chapter - it starts off with news of life, ends with news of death. Poor Claire. D: But at least she hasn't lost both of them.
Gotta admire Black for being the only one strong enough to tell her, too. But even he seemed reluctant about it. God, that has to be hard.
Not a lot to say about this, since it's pretty short, and I'm dying to hurry onward! XD I feel like maybe this could be combined with the last chapter, though? Since they're both pretty short.
11/29/2010 c46 Devil's Playground
Aah, short! But still an important chapter, surely.
So Sheruna finally gets to play an important role. Even though she's not exactly jumping at the chance, I can imagine it must be at least somewhat relieving, to have power for once, and the chance to make a difference. Well... hopefully she can, at least!
"He had fathered children, certainly – but he'd never been a father." - I love that line. It's especially powerful given that he's never been a father, and Sheruna wants her own. I can only imagine how unfamiliar of a situation that must be for Gleo.
Of all the people to convince to stop, I can imagine War will be one of the most difficult, with his notorious bloodlust. Good luck, Gleo!
Aah, short! But still an important chapter, surely.
So Sheruna finally gets to play an important role. Even though she's not exactly jumping at the chance, I can imagine it must be at least somewhat relieving, to have power for once, and the chance to make a difference. Well... hopefully she can, at least!
"He had fathered children, certainly – but he'd never been a father." - I love that line. It's especially powerful given that he's never been a father, and Sheruna wants her own. I can only imagine how unfamiliar of a situation that must be for Gleo.
Of all the people to convince to stop, I can imagine War will be one of the most difficult, with his notorious bloodlust. Good luck, Gleo!
11/29/2010 c45 Devil's Playground
Great description of the battlefield at the beginning. That general image, closely followed by a serious injury to a character we all know and love, really shows the toll the battle is taking on everyone. Thank god Zeen has the good sense to retreat.
Ahh, really love the scene with the Black Dove, as well. He's showing doubt for the first time... I'm so worried for him. "In his heart, he knew he would not return." - NO. NOT BLACK DOVE.
It just occurred to me that he's Black Dove, and the dove is a common symbol for peace - love it!
This chapter really has a big impact. There are a lot of great lines throughout it. I love the split between scenes, one in the heart of battle and one with those fighting to stop it. In a way, I'm kind of glad that I disappeared for a while and have a nice chunk of chapters to read, because otherwise I'd be dying in anticipation. DX
Great description of the battlefield at the beginning. That general image, closely followed by a serious injury to a character we all know and love, really shows the toll the battle is taking on everyone. Thank god Zeen has the good sense to retreat.
Ahh, really love the scene with the Black Dove, as well. He's showing doubt for the first time... I'm so worried for him. "In his heart, he knew he would not return." - NO. NOT BLACK DOVE.
It just occurred to me that he's Black Dove, and the dove is a common symbol for peace - love it!
This chapter really has a big impact. There are a lot of great lines throughout it. I love the split between scenes, one in the heart of battle and one with those fighting to stop it. In a way, I'm kind of glad that I disappeared for a while and have a nice chunk of chapters to read, because otherwise I'd be dying in anticipation. DX
11/29/2010 c44 Devil's Playground
E. Now things are really getting intense! I'm on the edge of my seat here, for real. D:
I like the opening lines from Pan about women - sad but true. (Unless you're a complete badass like Lillian, of course.)
The Black Dove is so cool, seriously. He really stands out as the most wise and cool-headed as all of them. He doesn't let himself be blinded by emotions, or bias, or anything. I really hope he can make a difference like he wants to, and save everyone!
Eep, Max seems to be cracking under the pressure here. I don't know whether to be sad or happy about that...? GAH. So torn up about him, you've done such a good job making it morally ambiguous!
Love the scene with Wolf and Will. Trust Wolf to be laughing even in the face of battle. ;D
WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN? OH MY GOD MUST KNOW.
E. Now things are really getting intense! I'm on the edge of my seat here, for real. D:
I like the opening lines from Pan about women - sad but true. (Unless you're a complete badass like Lillian, of course.)
The Black Dove is so cool, seriously. He really stands out as the most wise and cool-headed as all of them. He doesn't let himself be blinded by emotions, or bias, or anything. I really hope he can make a difference like he wants to, and save everyone!
Eep, Max seems to be cracking under the pressure here. I don't know whether to be sad or happy about that...? GAH. So torn up about him, you've done such a good job making it morally ambiguous!
Love the scene with Wolf and Will. Trust Wolf to be laughing even in the face of battle. ;D
WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN? OH MY GOD MUST KNOW.
11/29/2010 c43 Devil's Playground
GAH EPIC. So happy that the Peacekeepers have decided to fight with them!
I loved this entire chapter. Slowly but steadily building up to that final battle - I love it.
I love the Peacekeepers' role in it - not fighting head-on, but definitely really helping them. That will make quite a big difference in the end, I bet!
It was really cool seeing the other side, as well, with the scene with Gleo. D'aww, the squad's loyalty is so touching! It's a nice reminder that, as the Black Dove said, they're all human, no matter what side they're on.
Urgh, Sheruna is pretty annoying, but I still felt bad for her here. Especially if she is with child... D: Gah! I don't want Max to die! But at the same time, can the war end if he doesn't? Geez. I don't even know anymore. D:
And though I love this story to death, I'm also excited to see what kind of story you start next. I'm sure I can be prepared for something just as epic as this!
GAH EPIC. So happy that the Peacekeepers have decided to fight with them!
I loved this entire chapter. Slowly but steadily building up to that final battle - I love it.
I love the Peacekeepers' role in it - not fighting head-on, but definitely really helping them. That will make quite a big difference in the end, I bet!
It was really cool seeing the other side, as well, with the scene with Gleo. D'aww, the squad's loyalty is so touching! It's a nice reminder that, as the Black Dove said, they're all human, no matter what side they're on.
Urgh, Sheruna is pretty annoying, but I still felt bad for her here. Especially if she is with child... D: Gah! I don't want Max to die! But at the same time, can the war end if he doesn't? Geez. I don't even know anymore. D:
And though I love this story to death, I'm also excited to see what kind of story you start next. I'm sure I can be prepared for something just as epic as this!
11/29/2010 c42 Devil's Playground
"Battle, it read. He glared at it, as if daring it to change. It didn't. Battle." - Ooh, I love this line. Things are getting intense!
I like the scene with Rags, the princess, and Claire. Especially the characterization of the princess. She's been sort of romanticized from Zared's point of view, so it's interesting seeing how Rags views her. Quite a bit of contrast.
And ahh, so Rags knows Claire and Captain. Interesting.
Aww. The fact that he couldn't bring himself to tell her about Jack is a touching little detail.
Gahh, no, Sheruna! DX Don't tell h... aw, shit, there she goes. -_- Well, that provides a little bit of a problem... stupid princess!
! Six more until the story ends? D: NO! What am I gonna do without this story? Seriously, it's so intense and epic and... T_T I'm gonna miss it! But at the same time, I'm super excited to see how it ends!
"Battle, it read. He glared at it, as if daring it to change. It didn't. Battle." - Ooh, I love this line. Things are getting intense!
I like the scene with Rags, the princess, and Claire. Especially the characterization of the princess. She's been sort of romanticized from Zared's point of view, so it's interesting seeing how Rags views her. Quite a bit of contrast.
And ahh, so Rags knows Claire and Captain. Interesting.
Aww. The fact that he couldn't bring himself to tell her about Jack is a touching little detail.
Gahh, no, Sheruna! DX Don't tell h... aw, shit, there she goes. -_- Well, that provides a little bit of a problem... stupid princess!
! Six more until the story ends? D: NO! What am I gonna do without this story? Seriously, it's so intense and epic and... T_T I'm gonna miss it! But at the same time, I'm super excited to see how it ends!
11/29/2010 c41 Devil's Playground
HOLY SHIT. :O No way. Er... talk about awkward. That really sucks for poor Zared. DX Didn't see that coming at all, holy twist. And poor Zared, he was already questioning his cause, now he has THAT to deal with. The poor guy!
I love the moral ambiguity of the upcoming battle. Black Dove makes a really good point in saying that neither side is really right. It's very realistic, and makes things a lot more dynamic and interesting. It's even more ambiguous given that you've shown the reader that Max isn't entirely evil, either.
Both the Black Dove and Zared are really well characterized here, and I feel like their reactions are realistic and in character. The whole conversation is really well written and natural, even though it's a whole lot of wtf being said. XD
I really love the contrast between this and the chapters leading up; the others have been building up excitement for the battle, and the whole idea of righteous vengeance, and then this puts a complete spin on it and makes you doubt whether or not it's the right thing to do.
"He searched, tried to find a reason to" - this is a typo or something, you just kinda stop mid-sentence.
Excited for more!
HOLY SHIT. :O No way. Er... talk about awkward. That really sucks for poor Zared. DX Didn't see that coming at all, holy twist. And poor Zared, he was already questioning his cause, now he has THAT to deal with. The poor guy!
I love the moral ambiguity of the upcoming battle. Black Dove makes a really good point in saying that neither side is really right. It's very realistic, and makes things a lot more dynamic and interesting. It's even more ambiguous given that you've shown the reader that Max isn't entirely evil, either.
Both the Black Dove and Zared are really well characterized here, and I feel like their reactions are realistic and in character. The whole conversation is really well written and natural, even though it's a whole lot of wtf being said. XD
I really love the contrast between this and the chapters leading up; the others have been building up excitement for the battle, and the whole idea of righteous vengeance, and then this puts a complete spin on it and makes you doubt whether or not it's the right thing to do.
"He searched, tried to find a reason to" - this is a typo or something, you just kinda stop mid-sentence.
Excited for more!
11/29/2010 c40 Devil's Playground
Hey there. ^^" Sorry for the wait, but I am finally back and ready to catch up!
I liked the banter between Will and Wolf throughout this, bwaha. The story's become a lot darker recently, so it's nice to see a touch of humor in there. It helps bring up the mood and get me all pumped for the big battle to come! I'm so excited, gahh!
I'm glad to see Zared take a position of leadership. He deserves it!
Awe, poor Lillian. D: That just makes my heart ache. She's not the kind of woman you'd expect to be the maternal type, but I can still readily believe that she'd want a baby, and that is just... so sad. D: D:
And OH. Oh my god. Zared is smart. :O So a Winatan killed Jack? Ohgeez. Wonder who it was...?
Moving onward! :3
Hey there. ^^" Sorry for the wait, but I am finally back and ready to catch up!
I liked the banter between Will and Wolf throughout this, bwaha. The story's become a lot darker recently, so it's nice to see a touch of humor in there. It helps bring up the mood and get me all pumped for the big battle to come! I'm so excited, gahh!
I'm glad to see Zared take a position of leadership. He deserves it!
Awe, poor Lillian. D: That just makes my heart ache. She's not the kind of woman you'd expect to be the maternal type, but I can still readily believe that she'd want a baby, and that is just... so sad. D: D:
And OH. Oh my god. Zared is smart. :O So a Winatan killed Jack? Ohgeez. Wonder who it was...?
Moving onward! :3
11/28/2010 c14 this wild abyss
Chapter 18
I’ve mentioned it before, I believe, but you have an uncanny knack for ending a chapter just as the action picks up, and then resuming the story after the majority of the action has ended. It’s a bewildering experience, and I’m not sure that it makes as huge an impact as you’d like.
I liked the character perspective you chose for this chapter. I think Lillian’s mind was the right one to use for this particular sequence of events, and it was a nice change from the other points of view that you’ve been using more consistently.
Chapter 19
Correct me if I’m wrong, but none of the characters featured in this chapter have made an appearance before. In my opinion, it’s a little late in the story to be adding additional subplots, but since I’m not exactly sure as to how long you intend for this story to continue, I suppose I’ll have to wait and see.
I thought this Black Dove person was a nice addition to your repertoire of characters. He’s pretty unique, certainly very different from anyone else you’ve introduced this far. I’m interested to see his development in future chapters.
Chapter 18
I’ve mentioned it before, I believe, but you have an uncanny knack for ending a chapter just as the action picks up, and then resuming the story after the majority of the action has ended. It’s a bewildering experience, and I’m not sure that it makes as huge an impact as you’d like.
I liked the character perspective you chose for this chapter. I think Lillian’s mind was the right one to use for this particular sequence of events, and it was a nice change from the other points of view that you’ve been using more consistently.
Chapter 19
Correct me if I’m wrong, but none of the characters featured in this chapter have made an appearance before. In my opinion, it’s a little late in the story to be adding additional subplots, but since I’m not exactly sure as to how long you intend for this story to continue, I suppose I’ll have to wait and see.
I thought this Black Dove person was a nice addition to your repertoire of characters. He’s pretty unique, certainly very different from anyone else you’ve introduced this far. I’m interested to see his development in future chapters.
11/28/2010 c13 this wild abyss
Chapter 16:
“The sun dipped from behind mountains now Shinog was far behind.”
- I believe that there are two complete sentences here.
Jumping back into things, as it were.
It’s been quite a few months, but your story is still fresh in my mind – which speaks a great deal towards its impact on readers. One thing I do have to say about this chapter at least, however, was the fact that nothing important seemed to have happened. At least, nothing important enough to merit a separate chapter. The gist of it was a conversation about Jade and Will, and then Wise One died without too much of a fuss. While there wasn’t anything fundamentally wrong with the content or writing, I thought it would have read better with something else added on.
Chapter 17:
Okay now, I don’t exactly understand why you made this chapter separate from the last one. It directly relates to it, and I think it would make 16 seem like less of a loner. It is your choice, though.
The interaction between Claire and Max was very good, I thought. You made her revulsion for him evident, but managed to keep his character more aloof and vague. I liked that, as it seemed in keeping with what readers know about both of them thus far.
During the exchange between Wolf and Jade, I thought that you were missing a bit of emotion. I mean, you covered Jade’s visible reaction, but his thoughts and emotions weren’t very evident. As a reader, it was easy to surmise what he was thinking and feeling, but I think that some form of confirmation would have gone nicely.
But this chapter was a great deal better than the other one.
Chapter 16:
“The sun dipped from behind mountains now Shinog was far behind.”
- I believe that there are two complete sentences here.
Jumping back into things, as it were.
It’s been quite a few months, but your story is still fresh in my mind – which speaks a great deal towards its impact on readers. One thing I do have to say about this chapter at least, however, was the fact that nothing important seemed to have happened. At least, nothing important enough to merit a separate chapter. The gist of it was a conversation about Jade and Will, and then Wise One died without too much of a fuss. While there wasn’t anything fundamentally wrong with the content or writing, I thought it would have read better with something else added on.
Chapter 17:
Okay now, I don’t exactly understand why you made this chapter separate from the last one. It directly relates to it, and I think it would make 16 seem like less of a loner. It is your choice, though.
The interaction between Claire and Max was very good, I thought. You made her revulsion for him evident, but managed to keep his character more aloof and vague. I liked that, as it seemed in keeping with what readers know about both of them thus far.
During the exchange between Wolf and Jade, I thought that you were missing a bit of emotion. I mean, you covered Jade’s visible reaction, but his thoughts and emotions weren’t very evident. As a reader, it was easy to surmise what he was thinking and feeling, but I think that some form of confirmation would have gone nicely.
But this chapter was a great deal better than the other one.
11/27/2010 c17 99Dreamers-Requiem
[The note, pa alive, never reached Jack, and Jack never knew, not until it was too late.]
No!
I love forshadowing, and that line...effective, perfectly effective. I like the reappearence of the peacekeepers; you did it really well and I think Zared is possibly, my favourite character. As well as Will! I think I'm just a sucker for the romantic heroes with a twist idea, and of course, I'm hoping that Zared will get to see the princess again, at some point. After you ripped away my hope of Jack seeing his dad, I need to root for some kind of reunion! Anyways, as always the chapters were really captivating, and I love the way you interlink the different elements and different characters, it works really well. The relationship between Will and Pan is really interesting, mainly obecause Will is so clueless when it comes to girls and it comes through in a way thats handled really well. So yeah, loved it as always.
99Dreamers-Requiem[The note, pa alive, never reached Jack, and Jack never knew, not until it was too late.]
No!
I love forshadowing, and that line...effective, perfectly effective. I like the reappearence of the peacekeepers; you did it really well and I think Zared is possibly, my favourite character. As well as Will! I think I'm just a sucker for the romantic heroes with a twist idea, and of course, I'm hoping that Zared will get to see the princess again, at some point. After you ripped away my hope of Jack seeing his dad, I need to root for some kind of reunion! Anyways, as always the chapters were really captivating, and I love the way you interlink the different elements and different characters, it works really well. The relationship between Will and Pan is really interesting, mainly obecause Will is so clueless when it comes to girls and it comes through in a way thats handled really well. So yeah, loved it as always.
11/27/2010 c48 6The Saturday Storytellers
It's been so long since I read any of this, so here goes again!
"Gleo caught glimpses of careful grey smoke..." I haven't really got very much new advice to add, except for keep on watching out for your adjectives - such as this. How can smoke be 'careful'? Do you mean there's a kind of delicacy with the way it weaves its way upwards, something like that? I think I see where you're coming from, but again, this kind of description needs you to look at it again, a while after you've written it so you can read it with fresh eyes again.
So Gleo feels like he belongs somewhere, at last! Perhaps now that he's relieved of his military duties, he can begin to find peace.
"heart hammering in union with the mare's hooves." I think you might mean 'unison'?
"But Gleo rode on towards the Winatan camp." I'm just trying to think of how the story has gone up until now, but has Gleo been around the Winatans? If he has, I've forgotten about it. How will they know that he's their friend and not their enemy?
"The drawing of a sword ended Gleo's sentence." I like this sentence very much! Perfect timing.
- From We Return Reviews.
6The Saturday StorytellersIt's been so long since I read any of this, so here goes again!
"Gleo caught glimpses of careful grey smoke..." I haven't really got very much new advice to add, except for keep on watching out for your adjectives - such as this. How can smoke be 'careful'? Do you mean there's a kind of delicacy with the way it weaves its way upwards, something like that? I think I see where you're coming from, but again, this kind of description needs you to look at it again, a while after you've written it so you can read it with fresh eyes again.
So Gleo feels like he belongs somewhere, at last! Perhaps now that he's relieved of his military duties, he can begin to find peace.
"heart hammering in union with the mare's hooves." I think you might mean 'unison'?
"But Gleo rode on towards the Winatan camp." I'm just trying to think of how the story has gone up until now, but has Gleo been around the Winatans? If he has, I've forgotten about it. How will they know that he's their friend and not their enemy?
"The drawing of a sword ended Gleo's sentence." I like this sentence very much! Perfect timing.
- From We Return Reviews.
11/20/2010 c16 99Dreamers-Requiem
As always, a great couple of chapters. I really liked the interaction between Will and Pan; it was sweet, and fitting to both their situations. Poor Will! He really isn't sure about the opposite sex, is he? :P Pan's character is really interesting, and I think her kind of manner and personality help draw the reader in to what is really happening.
The other chapter, as well, shows great interaction between the characters; I like how Claire immediatly cares for the Princess, it really shows her motherly side coming through. I'm going to take a wild guess and go for Malcom = Max? Maybe, anyway. In which case WHAT! No Sheruna! What's wrong with her? Anyways, yeah, great interaction between characters, great characters, great hooks! Just overly great, I guess. Sorry for not having any crit :P
99Dreamers-RequiemAs always, a great couple of chapters. I really liked the interaction between Will and Pan; it was sweet, and fitting to both their situations. Poor Will! He really isn't sure about the opposite sex, is he? :P Pan's character is really interesting, and I think her kind of manner and personality help draw the reader in to what is really happening.
The other chapter, as well, shows great interaction between the characters; I like how Claire immediatly cares for the Princess, it really shows her motherly side coming through. I'm going to take a wild guess and go for Malcom = Max? Maybe, anyway. In which case WHAT! No Sheruna! What's wrong with her? Anyways, yeah, great interaction between characters, great characters, great hooks! Just overly great, I guess. Sorry for not having any crit :P
10/30/2010 c49 30sophiesix
ooh great first sentence!
"Dawn licked the landscape, the red of the sun bathing the earth." nice!
"I will have my Sheruna back" ah good to hear he hasn't forgotten her. but with BD sickening of teh blood, it would be good to have him acknowledge how he has changed? he never used to shy from a fight, and this would be a good place to emphasise/show the contrast?
"He is the reason my father is dead." oh, good. awesome moment.
heh! great ending too! great stuf!
30sophiesixooh great first sentence!
"Dawn licked the landscape, the red of the sun bathing the earth." nice!
"I will have my Sheruna back" ah good to hear he hasn't forgotten her. but with BD sickening of teh blood, it would be good to have him acknowledge how he has changed? he never used to shy from a fight, and this would be a good place to emphasise/show the contrast?
"He is the reason my father is dead." oh, good. awesome moment.
heh! great ending too! great stuf!
10/29/2010 c15 99Dreamers-Requiem
I know I've said it before, but the timing still confuses me. So the rebels got caught by the Cinah, Lillian helped them escape but Will didn't make it, and the Cinah ship he was on was attacked by Captain and his crew, right? Just recapping it all to make sure I've got it right :P
Anyways, as for the actually chapters - some GREAT stuff in here! I'm going to lean on the side of Marco doing it to help Will get close to Max to kill him, rather than actually betraying him. I love how we've seen these characters grow and mature, and it's good to see how they've kind of got smarter, too. And great job on Maximilian; he really is becoming less of an all out evil villian and it works really well.
As soon as the crew referred to him as 'Captain' rather than 'the Captain', I was cheering. I so badly wanted Will to call Jade by his real name! Nice build up there, and great work with the Pan situation; I like how you revealed it to the audience without making it painfully obvious for Will. And aw Will! I loved the ending, the way he's softened towards her. Loved it, as always.
99Dreamers-RequiemI know I've said it before, but the timing still confuses me. So the rebels got caught by the Cinah, Lillian helped them escape but Will didn't make it, and the Cinah ship he was on was attacked by Captain and his crew, right? Just recapping it all to make sure I've got it right :P
Anyways, as for the actually chapters - some GREAT stuff in here! I'm going to lean on the side of Marco doing it to help Will get close to Max to kill him, rather than actually betraying him. I love how we've seen these characters grow and mature, and it's good to see how they've kind of got smarter, too. And great job on Maximilian; he really is becoming less of an all out evil villian and it works really well.
As soon as the crew referred to him as 'Captain' rather than 'the Captain', I was cheering. I so badly wanted Will to call Jade by his real name! Nice build up there, and great work with the Pan situation; I like how you revealed it to the audience without making it painfully obvious for Will. And aw Will! I loved the ending, the way he's softened towards her. Loved it, as always.