for Children of Winata9/23/2010 c47 Tawny Owl
I wasn’t too keen on the flying bit, and wasn’t really feeling it.
Alive, thumped her heart.
Alive, thumped the hooves. – Loved that though.
And she felt something cold and wet on her cheeks. – If she’s crying say so. Either that or I think it’s just started to rain.
I liked the idea that she feels carefree though. When you are that happy anything is possible.
Black glanced away purposefully and she chased his gaze. – lovely image.
Part of me respects Black for having the courage to tell Claire about Jack. Another part of me, however, is thinking he should have minded his own business and let her hear it from her husband who could share her grief more fully. Hmm, I duuno. Why did you have him do it? Especially when he clearly hadn’t meant to in the beginning.
Oh, I say, he wants to get the truth out. That’s believable. It’s like he’s doing it more for the cause than Claire. That makes sense now, and makes more sense for his character. For a moment I thought he was coming over all emotional and soft.
Good ending though. And I liked the way you described Claire’s reaction to hearing about Jack’s death. With her wailing though it did take along time for the Winata to get there. Maybe have some more sense of urgency from Black because he knows they are coming?
I wasn’t too keen on the flying bit, and wasn’t really feeling it.
Alive, thumped her heart.
Alive, thumped the hooves. – Loved that though.
And she felt something cold and wet on her cheeks. – If she’s crying say so. Either that or I think it’s just started to rain.
I liked the idea that she feels carefree though. When you are that happy anything is possible.
Black glanced away purposefully and she chased his gaze. – lovely image.
Part of me respects Black for having the courage to tell Claire about Jack. Another part of me, however, is thinking he should have minded his own business and let her hear it from her husband who could share her grief more fully. Hmm, I duuno. Why did you have him do it? Especially when he clearly hadn’t meant to in the beginning.
Oh, I say, he wants to get the truth out. That’s believable. It’s like he’s doing it more for the cause than Claire. That makes sense now, and makes more sense for his character. For a moment I thought he was coming over all emotional and soft.
Good ending though. And I liked the way you described Claire’s reaction to hearing about Jack’s death. With her wailing though it did take along time for the Winata to get there. Maybe have some more sense of urgency from Black because he knows they are coming?
9/23/2010 c46 Tawny Owl
Gleo hurried (on) into it – or through it?
He wasn't a young man now, - that’s self explanatory given the comment about being a man of his age. You could probably cut it.
He froze as three dogs came into sight: one black, one brown, one fawn. He watched them carefully as he edged up the staircase. Caramel shot out from behind him, lips lifting, tail held high. He slipped away. – this could be built on. I think the three dogs are threatening Gleo, then Carmel comes to his rescue, but I wasn’t aware Carmel was there, and it all happened a bit too quick.
Sheruna's bare feet touched the wooden floorboards. That’s a nice detail, but I think you should expand more on what Sheruna looks like. As a character she also feels much more, pure, I think. There seems less artifice and tantrums about her now.
The face crumpling – that’s the sore of thing I’m after, although her bare feet and white legs do kind of make me wondering what she’ swearing, if anything…
He had fathered children, certainly – but he'd never been a father. Very, very nice.
. Gleo suspected it wasn't the first time she'd wept, yet he thought that it was the first time she'd done it in another's presence. And that too.
Gleo hurried (on) into it – or through it?
He wasn't a young man now, - that’s self explanatory given the comment about being a man of his age. You could probably cut it.
He froze as three dogs came into sight: one black, one brown, one fawn. He watched them carefully as he edged up the staircase. Caramel shot out from behind him, lips lifting, tail held high. He slipped away. – this could be built on. I think the three dogs are threatening Gleo, then Carmel comes to his rescue, but I wasn’t aware Carmel was there, and it all happened a bit too quick.
Sheruna's bare feet touched the wooden floorboards. That’s a nice detail, but I think you should expand more on what Sheruna looks like. As a character she also feels much more, pure, I think. There seems less artifice and tantrums about her now.
The face crumpling – that’s the sore of thing I’m after, although her bare feet and white legs do kind of make me wondering what she’ swearing, if anything…
He had fathered children, certainly – but he'd never been a father. Very, very nice.
. Gleo suspected it wasn't the first time she'd wept, yet he thought that it was the first time she'd done it in another's presence. And that too.
9/20/2010 c13 
99Dreamers-Requiem
I've most likely said this before but you have a real talent for making your villians come across as human. They're not just standard evil guys, and the Cinah soldiers are a really good example of that; no matter how badly they're shown to be treating the people of Winata, they clearly have a strong sense of loyaltly to each other, which isn't always a bad thing. You show the bond between them and I think it makes the reader think about how they're judging them.
Interaction between Wolf and Wise One was done really well, and I like the way you've done the various nicknames for the characters. it works well and really shows their personalities so good job on that.
I would have thought that Jack might have cried over Wise One's death, but it doesn't seem overly inconsistent to have him not cry; especially as he, himself, doesn't know why he doesn't. It's done really well.
'"So, beauty, ready to warm my bed tonight?"' reading that first, I think it makes the reader kind of shudder, but I don't know, reading on from that line it seems more kind of banter betwen Maximillion and Claire? I really hope that's the kind of thing you were going for, otherwise I've really misjudged it :P
99Dreamers-RequiemI've most likely said this before but you have a real talent for making your villians come across as human. They're not just standard evil guys, and the Cinah soldiers are a really good example of that; no matter how badly they're shown to be treating the people of Winata, they clearly have a strong sense of loyaltly to each other, which isn't always a bad thing. You show the bond between them and I think it makes the reader think about how they're judging them.
Interaction between Wolf and Wise One was done really well, and I like the way you've done the various nicknames for the characters. it works well and really shows their personalities so good job on that.
I would have thought that Jack might have cried over Wise One's death, but it doesn't seem overly inconsistent to have him not cry; especially as he, himself, doesn't know why he doesn't. It's done really well.
'"So, beauty, ready to warm my bed tonight?"' reading that first, I think it makes the reader kind of shudder, but I don't know, reading on from that line it seems more kind of banter betwen Maximillion and Claire? I really hope that's the kind of thing you were going for, otherwise I've really misjudged it :P
9/8/2010 c45 Tawny Owl
I loved the lack of human sound in the opening paragraphs. It really brought home how tired they all were.
Will thrust deep into a Cinah soldier's heart, swung around to meet the glancing blow of another. A cry left his lips as the impact of the weapons jarred his bones. – It seems odd that Will can plunge his sword into a man’s heart and then pull it free quickly enough to deflect another attack. Unless he has something in his other hand? Or rips the guy’s rib cage out. And who cries? Is it Will or one of the people he’s killed? Although the noise is out of sync with the silent, despairing conflict you conjure above.
And because I’m feeling grumpy, have you thought about describing Wolf being hit from Will’s point of view? It might make it more potent to see him go down through the eyes of a friend who isn’t able to help him.
Sweat trickled down his solar plexus. – Who’s solar plexus? It feels like you’re rushing to get to the end of this. I want to get there too, but I always think that the parts where everything is uncoiling into climax are the most fun to get stuck into. I think you can afford to slow down and take your time with this a bit more.
The cut from Will to Zeen feels sudden as well. Maybe try to ease it through a bit more. Like where is Will trying to get to and does he think he’s going to make it. Does he recognise any of the bodies littered about?
The young man glanced up, squinting against the evening sun. – nice moment in the chaos. What’s he thinking?
offering reins to the Black dove. – capital D
Ohh, I liked the admission of Black’s real name with the feeling of being lost. It’s like the name is a shield almost and he’s put that down and shown something to Gleo that he normally keeps hidden.
Yay, the magpies. They’ve been quiet for a while. Like the calming smell of the animal too.
Ooh, let us tempt fate. Good ending to the chapter.
I loved the lack of human sound in the opening paragraphs. It really brought home how tired they all were.
Will thrust deep into a Cinah soldier's heart, swung around to meet the glancing blow of another. A cry left his lips as the impact of the weapons jarred his bones. – It seems odd that Will can plunge his sword into a man’s heart and then pull it free quickly enough to deflect another attack. Unless he has something in his other hand? Or rips the guy’s rib cage out. And who cries? Is it Will or one of the people he’s killed? Although the noise is out of sync with the silent, despairing conflict you conjure above.
And because I’m feeling grumpy, have you thought about describing Wolf being hit from Will’s point of view? It might make it more potent to see him go down through the eyes of a friend who isn’t able to help him.
Sweat trickled down his solar plexus. – Who’s solar plexus? It feels like you’re rushing to get to the end of this. I want to get there too, but I always think that the parts where everything is uncoiling into climax are the most fun to get stuck into. I think you can afford to slow down and take your time with this a bit more.
The cut from Will to Zeen feels sudden as well. Maybe try to ease it through a bit more. Like where is Will trying to get to and does he think he’s going to make it. Does he recognise any of the bodies littered about?
The young man glanced up, squinting against the evening sun. – nice moment in the chaos. What’s he thinking?
offering reins to the Black dove. – capital D
Ohh, I liked the admission of Black’s real name with the feeling of being lost. It’s like the name is a shield almost and he’s put that down and shown something to Gleo that he normally keeps hidden.
Yay, the magpies. They’ve been quiet for a while. Like the calming smell of the animal too.
Ooh, let us tempt fate. Good ending to the chapter.
9/4/2010 c48 13Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu
Okay, on your flurry of updates, I actually think it would be better if you just combined everything together into one single chapter since the events are pretty much revolving around at the same point if you get what I mean here. With that being said though, I think you could have done more to flesh out Gleo's thoughts on Will and the war. Try to portray the empty nature of what was happening before his eyes, a war that has no purpose right from the start. Also try to portray his own thoughts on Will upon seeing the change that he didn't want to see, but yet clearly unavoidable. Apart from that, nothing much to say. Hope to see this updated soon. :)
13Tsumujikaze no SoujutsuOkay, on your flurry of updates, I actually think it would be better if you just combined everything together into one single chapter since the events are pretty much revolving around at the same point if you get what I mean here. With that being said though, I think you could have done more to flesh out Gleo's thoughts on Will and the war. Try to portray the empty nature of what was happening before his eyes, a war that has no purpose right from the start. Also try to portray his own thoughts on Will upon seeing the change that he didn't want to see, but yet clearly unavoidable. Apart from that, nothing much to say. Hope to see this updated soon. :)
9/4/2010 c47 Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu
Okay, so again a short chapter here. Anyway, on the part on Claire, I don't find it totally satisfying to read. I'd hate to be mean, but I think you could have done so much better with her character. Like an in depth look at her emotions and thoughts upon knowing the loss of her son, the possible implications from his death, a look at her own past with him, etc. As for her own thoughts on Captain, I think you could have hyped up her own feelings at the anticipation of meeting him. You know stuff like conflicting emotions, not knowing what to speak, etc. Apart from that, nothing to say. Sorry if this review is harsh. I don't have a way to communicate effectively where criticism is concerned, so my apologies here. :(
Okay, so again a short chapter here. Anyway, on the part on Claire, I don't find it totally satisfying to read. I'd hate to be mean, but I think you could have done so much better with her character. Like an in depth look at her emotions and thoughts upon knowing the loss of her son, the possible implications from his death, a look at her own past with him, etc. As for her own thoughts on Captain, I think you could have hyped up her own feelings at the anticipation of meeting him. You know stuff like conflicting emotions, not knowing what to speak, etc. Apart from that, nothing to say. Sorry if this review is harsh. I don't have a way to communicate effectively where criticism is concerned, so my apologies here. :(
9/4/2010 c46 Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu
Wow, never imagine that this chapter would be so short. Anyway, this is an interesting transition to the climax. I wonder how Gleo will help in stopping the hatred of the war. If there's anything I can suggest here, it will be the fact that you could have done a more in depth thought from him where Max is concerned. What are the common things that he can identify with Max? What is his own views on both his and Max's mortality? Also you can try to develope his own views on the State. Yes I got the idea, but what is Gleo's own emotions towards the system? You know stuff like that can go a long way in strengthening his character especially since he's one who didn't appear much, but yet ended up ironically to be the vital part to the story.
Wow, never imagine that this chapter would be so short. Anyway, this is an interesting transition to the climax. I wonder how Gleo will help in stopping the hatred of the war. If there's anything I can suggest here, it will be the fact that you could have done a more in depth thought from him where Max is concerned. What are the common things that he can identify with Max? What is his own views on both his and Max's mortality? Also you can try to develope his own views on the State. Yes I got the idea, but what is Gleo's own emotions towards the system? You know stuff like that can go a long way in strengthening his character especially since he's one who didn't appear much, but yet ended up ironically to be the vital part to the story.
9/4/2010 c12 99Dreamers-Requiem
Chapter 14: I feel like we don't really get a proper feel of Zared's character until this point. still, it's good to see a bit more depth added to him, and it's coming across that he's the type of guy who will fight, hard, for what he believes in. The fight scene was done really well, and the dialogue worked perfectly, it flowed well. I get the feel that Gleo has become disillusioned with his people, and I can't help but wondering if he and Zared will form some sort of alliance.
Chapter 15: You manage to keep the characters, even the small ones, really consistent; I like how this almost mirrors the scene where Jack's father gave her food. BUT I would suggest, if you edit this again, making the timeline clearer. Here, it seems that only a few months have passed - and I'm surprised that she followed the Rebellion, actually. Going back to the time, Will is now 21, but I thought he was only a young teenager when he met Jack so I'm a bit confused here - maybe tell us how old he is in the first scene with his fahter? (Unless you did that and I've missed it, in which case ignore this :P)
99Dreamers-RequiemChapter 14: I feel like we don't really get a proper feel of Zared's character until this point. still, it's good to see a bit more depth added to him, and it's coming across that he's the type of guy who will fight, hard, for what he believes in. The fight scene was done really well, and the dialogue worked perfectly, it flowed well. I get the feel that Gleo has become disillusioned with his people, and I can't help but wondering if he and Zared will form some sort of alliance.
Chapter 15: You manage to keep the characters, even the small ones, really consistent; I like how this almost mirrors the scene where Jack's father gave her food. BUT I would suggest, if you edit this again, making the timeline clearer. Here, it seems that only a few months have passed - and I'm surprised that she followed the Rebellion, actually. Going back to the time, Will is now 21, but I thought he was only a young teenager when he met Jack so I'm a bit confused here - maybe tell us how old he is in the first scene with his fahter? (Unless you did that and I've missed it, in which case ignore this :P)
8/31/2010 c22 1esthaelum
'Her breath danced across his face, like the sun on a winter morning.'
- Oh, that's a really pretty description. I love that!
Geez. Maximillian seems to be besotted to Claire... it's really hard to hate him when he actually feels emotions such as love instead of the usual evil feelings that bad guys get... I mean, one minute, he's planning on ruling over Winata, then the next, he's describing how pretty Claire's eyes are... However, I think that's what I like about Maximillian. Most villains in stories are portrayed as evil and cruel and without any other emotion, but you do a great job at making Maximillian more... realistic.
1esthaelum'Her breath danced across his face, like the sun on a winter morning.'
- Oh, that's a really pretty description. I love that!
Geez. Maximillian seems to be besotted to Claire... it's really hard to hate him when he actually feels emotions such as love instead of the usual evil feelings that bad guys get... I mean, one minute, he's planning on ruling over Winata, then the next, he's describing how pretty Claire's eyes are... However, I think that's what I like about Maximillian. Most villains in stories are portrayed as evil and cruel and without any other emotion, but you do a great job at making Maximillian more... realistic.
8/30/2010 c21 esthaelum
I think Mars is acting strangely... I wonder when he'll finally show his true colours... *evil laugh* To think, he was so innocent at the start of this story... *sniff*
'Pan flinched as a chunk of flesh landed near her.'
- Nice. Body parts being chucked at you. Nothing better than that. *faints*
I love the Black Dove... I wonder who he is... I think I prefer him and Pan instead of Pan and Will.. I don't know why...
Zared's speech. hehe. I loved it. But from Will's reaction, I got the feeling that the speech was long and legendary. But if you actually read the speech out aloud, it wasn't really that long. I felt it could have been longer and more epic.
I like how Zared is fitting into the group now. Even though he's new, he still helps them. I like Zared :D
Roadhouse~
I think Mars is acting strangely... I wonder when he'll finally show his true colours... *evil laugh* To think, he was so innocent at the start of this story... *sniff*
'Pan flinched as a chunk of flesh landed near her.'
- Nice. Body parts being chucked at you. Nothing better than that. *faints*
I love the Black Dove... I wonder who he is... I think I prefer him and Pan instead of Pan and Will.. I don't know why...
Zared's speech. hehe. I loved it. But from Will's reaction, I got the feeling that the speech was long and legendary. But if you actually read the speech out aloud, it wasn't really that long. I felt it could have been longer and more epic.
I like how Zared is fitting into the group now. Even though he's new, he still helps them. I like Zared :D
Roadhouse~
8/28/2010 c48 30sophiesix
ah, this chapter is by far my favourite of teh three. and not just because it has Will in it, i swear ;)
phrases like "To the men circling them, like dogs around a fight, waiting for the kill, he said, "Go. Battle." And the Winatans poured out, baying their courage, howling like creatures." are just cinematic. (though i'd maybe consider beasts instead of creatures?)
and "Clearly they were tired. Clearly they wanted no more. Yet, drenched in bloodlust they would kill and kill. Kill, till there was nothing left." *shivers*
"though they were both Cinah, though they both accepted Winata as their home, the man in front of him was prepared to kill to prove it." ok i'm going to stop higlighting teh whole thing now, lol! just accept i love it, alrighty? ;)
30sophiesixah, this chapter is by far my favourite of teh three. and not just because it has Will in it, i swear ;)
phrases like "To the men circling them, like dogs around a fight, waiting for the kill, he said, "Go. Battle." And the Winatans poured out, baying their courage, howling like creatures." are just cinematic. (though i'd maybe consider beasts instead of creatures?)
and "Clearly they were tired. Clearly they wanted no more. Yet, drenched in bloodlust they would kill and kill. Kill, till there was nothing left." *shivers*
"though they were both Cinah, though they both accepted Winata as their home, the man in front of him was prepared to kill to prove it." ok i'm going to stop higlighting teh whole thing now, lol! just accept i love it, alrighty? ;)
8/28/2010 c47 sophiesix
Aw, you give her Captain and take away Jade all in the one chapter, poor chick. BD is awesome as always (sh, don't listen, Will)
Alive, thumped her heart
Alive thumped teh hooves - love it
Oh so tense at the there when BD is trying to tet his message through - run away BD! run AWAY!
Aw, you give her Captain and take away Jade all in the one chapter, poor chick. BD is awesome as always (sh, don't listen, Will)
Alive, thumped her heart
Alive thumped teh hooves - love it
Oh so tense at the there when BD is trying to tet his message through - run away BD! run AWAY!
8/28/2010 c46 sophiesix
heh heh we are right in teh thick of it now!
"Ignoring the groans of the wounded, Gleo hurried on into it. " through it? i thought it was his destination at first...
ooh! dogs right in teh Palace! they really are letting things slip. excting and omnious.
love all teh different perspectives on maximillian here.
"You know that there's a battle going out there? It should be stopped. There are unnecessary causalities on both sides."" considering that her prime care is max, and whether he's hiurt, shouldn't he be framing this idea around stoppong max getting hurt, or is he trying to make her feel beyond her petty worries?
aw, shez cries and gleo gets to play dad, thats rather sweet :D
short but sweet! onto teh others!
heh heh we are right in teh thick of it now!
"Ignoring the groans of the wounded, Gleo hurried on into it. " through it? i thought it was his destination at first...
ooh! dogs right in teh Palace! they really are letting things slip. excting and omnious.
love all teh different perspectives on maximillian here.
"You know that there's a battle going out there? It should be stopped. There are unnecessary causalities on both sides."" considering that her prime care is max, and whether he's hiurt, shouldn't he be framing this idea around stoppong max getting hurt, or is he trying to make her feel beyond her petty worries?
aw, shez cries and gleo gets to play dad, thats rather sweet :D
short but sweet! onto teh others!
8/27/2010 c11 99Dreamers-Requiem
Chapter 12 - I love the use of riddles, the coding is really cleverly done. And you see their different personalities shining through when they're trying to work it out, so nice work with that. I love Marco, he seems like a sweet kid, if a bit out of his depth!
Ah, I'm glad we get to see the aftermath of the attack. Poor Sheruna; you can tell she's been strongly affected, as you would be, by the events. Let's just hope she gets through it OK! I liked the interaction used in this scene; again, he comes across as...I don't know how to explain. But there is some humanity there, even if he is a villian.
Chapter 13 - I loved the scene with the kids fighting! Even though they're young, it worked well and remained realistic in the way they fought. And yay for Will! He's really starting to shine - except at the end, you've managed to show a bit of a scarier side to him that, I feel, is his Cinah side coming out. Let's hope Jack can bring him back! Nice work, as per usual.
99Dreamers-RequiemChapter 12 - I love the use of riddles, the coding is really cleverly done. And you see their different personalities shining through when they're trying to work it out, so nice work with that. I love Marco, he seems like a sweet kid, if a bit out of his depth!
Ah, I'm glad we get to see the aftermath of the attack. Poor Sheruna; you can tell she's been strongly affected, as you would be, by the events. Let's just hope she gets through it OK! I liked the interaction used in this scene; again, he comes across as...I don't know how to explain. But there is some humanity there, even if he is a villian.
Chapter 13 - I loved the scene with the kids fighting! Even though they're young, it worked well and remained realistic in the way they fought. And yay for Will! He's really starting to shine - except at the end, you've managed to show a bit of a scarier side to him that, I feel, is his Cinah side coming out. Let's hope Jack can bring him back! Nice work, as per usual.
8/24/2010 c45 13Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu
Okay, firstly on your A/N, I think it would be better for you to inform me on the tweaks in the revised parts of the story. I'm not saying that because I'm a jerk, but rather I'm in a desperate need of clearing whatever I've owed to my constant reviewers at the moment. Of course I can browse back once I've got the time, but I think it might not be likely in the short run. This is also partially because of my screwed up reviewing schedule at the moment as well. :( With that being said, let's go on with the review. :) Okay, so firstly, that's a bloody scene you've dished out here. I could have want a more graphic take, but since this is a T rated story, I guess I can't ask for much here. However, I do think that you could have played up the feelings of hatred in your characters at this point of time. It's not only meant as a reminder of the harsh reality of war, but above all, it will do certain wonders in letting the readers truly feel for the impact of the events on your characters.
As for the part between the Black Dove and Gleo, well it's pretty much well done. However, I feel that you could have maximize the impact of the irony of their situation here. i.e. A soldier of Cinah and a rebel of Winata uniting under a common ideal. Note that I said ideal and not cause due to the fact that what they're trying to achieve was so much more along the line of an altruistic dream instead of just a simple aim.
Also, I'm not too sure if you're planning to do that, but I think you can actually try and create a more in depth exploration on the Black Dove's struggles by this point of time since what he is experiencing now is a totally different kettle of fish compared to what he has experienced previously at least in terms of impact.
Also I think you could have created a scene where Claire confronted him for the sake of the Captain, at which this point of time I guess the name will be Thomson since I remember she did mention that name before. But given the fact that I can forget stuff within the span of three minutes, I might be wrong here. -.-
13Tsumujikaze no SoujutsuOkay, firstly on your A/N, I think it would be better for you to inform me on the tweaks in the revised parts of the story. I'm not saying that because I'm a jerk, but rather I'm in a desperate need of clearing whatever I've owed to my constant reviewers at the moment. Of course I can browse back once I've got the time, but I think it might not be likely in the short run. This is also partially because of my screwed up reviewing schedule at the moment as well. :( With that being said, let's go on with the review. :) Okay, so firstly, that's a bloody scene you've dished out here. I could have want a more graphic take, but since this is a T rated story, I guess I can't ask for much here. However, I do think that you could have played up the feelings of hatred in your characters at this point of time. It's not only meant as a reminder of the harsh reality of war, but above all, it will do certain wonders in letting the readers truly feel for the impact of the events on your characters.
As for the part between the Black Dove and Gleo, well it's pretty much well done. However, I feel that you could have maximize the impact of the irony of their situation here. i.e. A soldier of Cinah and a rebel of Winata uniting under a common ideal. Note that I said ideal and not cause due to the fact that what they're trying to achieve was so much more along the line of an altruistic dream instead of just a simple aim.
Also, I'm not too sure if you're planning to do that, but I think you can actually try and create a more in depth exploration on the Black Dove's struggles by this point of time since what he is experiencing now is a totally different kettle of fish compared to what he has experienced previously at least in terms of impact.
Also I think you could have created a scene where Claire confronted him for the sake of the Captain, at which this point of time I guess the name will be Thomson since I remember she did mention that name before. But given the fact that I can forget stuff within the span of three minutes, I might be wrong here. -.-