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for Children of Winata

8/24/2010 c44 13Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu
Well, y brain has mysteriously gone kaput in the process of reading this one, so I think I can only say complimentary stuff for now. Firstly, it's good to see the chapter focusing on the pacifist side of the cast despite Will and co taking up half of the chapter or so. To be honest I'm really liking Gleo as a character. Maybe by the end of the story, I would like his as my best favorite mainly because he's the kind of character that I truly respect. One not bound by the hatred of nationalism and propaganda. That's also why I hate patriotism to the very core especially when it comes to the Taiwanese, Chinese (I mean those in China fyi) and the Japaneses. It's one thing to spur a person forward, but when the whole mentality became a source of national hatred, that's when people's reasoning become shit. I'll be interested to see what your peace-seeking trio can do to halt the entire farce called the war. :)
8/24/2010 c43 Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu
Oh yeah! You're having a new project in your sights now. I'll be really eager for it especially if it's fantasy. :) Okay, so basically this is one of the best chapters I've read so far and it's all because in this one, Max was actually humanized to the max. Pardon the pun though. It's not intentional. -.- Also you've created a very strong show of Sheruna's character here as well. It seems that her own weakness is something that every reader can identify with. And the same goes for Max and Claire as well. Just a question though. Who does Max love actually? Sheruna or Claire? It seems that I'm convinced of a Max-Sheruna romance until Claire butt in at this moment. Please clarify this with me, okay? ;)

And of course as always, I've got my own offer of critique here. Namely Gleo's part in the chapter. So far, I can see his impact on his men, but I think you should have gone in on a more in depth exploration towards his feelings towards the Cinah ruling system since I'm convinced that it was the primary reason for his actions here. Try to explore in detail his current state of emotions and thoughts. Try to explain what exactly drove him to reach this very decision not to fight.

As for the first half between Captain and Wolf, well I can't actually say anything much critique wise since what has been going on here is pretty much the logical stuff in such a situation. I do think you could have given both of them a stronger show of emotions though. Maybe not that much for the Captain since he comes across to me as the calm leader type. But given my own views of Wolf's character, I think you could have done better in this respect.
8/24/2010 c42 Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu
Okay here it is from yours truly again. I'm really trying my best to return everything to you, but I still got like two to three more seven K plus long chapters to review for a fellow author, so forgive me if I'm somewhat slow here. Okay, so I guess this is pretty much of an interlude kinda chapter. I really like the way you made Rags approach Claire and Sheruna. Also it's pretty much interesting to see the fact that Rags actually knew Claire, Jack and their old man.

One question though. Has there been any visible indication on how Rags got to know them? I know it's been a very long time since I've reviewed this one and I need to know for the sake of coherent characterizing. If there's no such thing in the previous chapters, it would be very hard to convince the readers that Rags do have strong ties with Claire and her family.

Another issue I'm seeing here would be Sheruna. Basically I know you intend her to be the side cast, but you could have done so much more for her character here via her own thoughts on the potential and I don't just mean it from the aspect of Max. You could have involve the whole thing via a bigger picture like why do the war has to exist and things like that.

As for the budding romance between Max and Sheruna, I need you to clarify with me if you had done any hinting on that at the very least because the whole relationship transition seems rather abrupt to me. And it doesn't help that their own exposure in the story was also rather limited plus as I've said, it's been N ages since I went back to this story due to my screwed up reviewing schedule. :(
8/22/2010 c11 WutNow
Here for Round Three!

Chapter 12

Gah, what's with these puzzles all of a sudden? Why toy with them? What's the point of that- I hate riddles! Oh lol! I laughed at the East and West thing with Will, Marco, and Jack. That played out nicely in my head :P.

See that's what friends do. They sacrifice for one another, and I thought that was touching. I'm sorry to ask this question, you might have addressed it and I'm terribly sorry if I missed it, but did you introduce this character Wolf before? He seemed like he's part of the crew already by the way he's talking with them. I know they met him along the way, but still, lol. I thought that was really nicely executed, whoever made the puzzle haha.

Oh wth the king is dead? SO SUDDEN? That caught me off guard. I thought he had more time left, at least time to see his daughter wed but wow. Since he's gone, she can marry Zared right? Sorry, but I never liked the King very much to begin with XD Love conquers all! Gah, at least the mysterious man didn't treat her so badly- he's making her eat right? There are worst ways to get tortured.

Chapter 13

I'm really loving how consistent you are with their dialects. The only person that speaks fluently was Jack, everyone else has these little accents that distinguishes them nicely. And the boys have only been training for a while and I'm not sure their fit for battle yet :(. I hope the Wise One was correct about this decision. Oh, and I loved you allowed the readers to see things from Marco's perspective, especially when he talked about his father- that was a cute moment.

I loved the dramatic scene with Will and Jack talking to the boys. The dirt/ home idea was brilliantly executed! I loved that scene very much. It breaks my heart though, since they are still boys and holding rifles and stuff. And the battle scene in the end with Will- amazing. You can't help but root for him!

Narq, this is a beautiful chapter!

This might be a late question... but where are the women of Winata? (just curious lol)

8/22/2010 c10 WutNow
I'm here for Round Two :D

Chapter 10

I liked this chapter soo much! It had the detail/ descriptions, and imagery the previous chapter sort of lacked. This is such a huge improvement! I was entranced by the whole story that I didn't catch a glimpse of any errors, so great job! It felt like I had read this before though- maybe I read the rough draft version before you edited it haha. But yeah I definitely liked how it focused on Sheruna and Zared. I don't really like the King right now. Though I feel sad that he is ill, I think he is doing what he thinks is best. If Sheruna marries a noble high ranking guy, then the kingdom will stabilize, so he is not completely at fault. But c'mon, who wouldn't want Zared? XD. Nice climactic end to the chapter, and I'm a little surprised you didn't continue it through chapter 11 and went on back to Jack and Will, so nice cliffy!

Only thing that caught me a little off guard: "What's your name, my little rose?" - I know you described her pealing off her clothes like a rose, but I don't think it's such a good idea to repeat the "rose" on the dialogue. I don't know if i'm being too nit picky, but yeah lol.

Chapter 11

I think you should mention who said the dialogue in the beginning. Since I saw Jack's name, I assumed it was Will, but to my surprise it was Marco haha. I liked the flashback you created for Jack. Once again I think I read the rough draft of this version haha. I'm just curious why the two chapters are formatted so differently. Well, not really, but like Chapter 10 has extensive detail, and you provide a little less when it comes back to Will and Jack. Was that intentional? Or am I reading too much into this? Sorry if I sort of am :P. Overall, I thought this chapter was decent. I did not quite understand the "Foxes" idea. I tried saying it fast but the "r" in "four" still made it sound like four and six. I know the idea you are tryin to express, but I found myself scratching at the puzzle. Was it needed to throw the readers off guard? I'm not sure, but it didn't work well for me. I liked that Will said what Foxes are but yeah, it still threw me a little bit off guard.

One thing you can tweak:

- "Shit," Will swore for the hundredth time. - Maybe a simple "Will swore under his breath." would be nicer, which means you'll get rid of the curse word int he beginning since it is already implied. Just a suggestion

I'm off to the next chapter!

8/22/2010 c9 WutNow
Howdy Review Buddy (Here from the Roadhouse!)

Wah, I didn't expect the chapter This chapter was the "calm after the storm" - it allowed the readers to settle into a less turbulent setting in the previous chapter, and I admired that break, so kudo points for you :). I liked how you illustrated how different Jack is from Will. Will has the ability to fight well, and the knowledge of literature is never significant for a warrior. I'm glad that Jack is there to provide Will with the comfort of both (mostly literature of course). And I liked how Jack reminded him of his freedom, because Will seems to forget that he has the power to change himself. However, to be honest, I felt that Jack saying "Can you write?" out of the blue seemed a little out of place. There was no indication that he was going to say anything about that, and it did not prepare the readers that the conversation was going to pop out, so that caught me off guard. Maybe you can introduce it in a more natural way? Because those words would not even cross my mind, especially when I'm staring at a dead dog (sorry! being honest XD and I'm sorry if I missed anything!)

I liked how Maximilian was protected of Claire, despite his obsessive behavior about her and that she doesn't really like him haha. Didn't she find it a little flattering? Haha.

Overall, I thought this was a decent chapter. I thought there was plenty of room to add more details/ descriptions if you chose- but since you described what the characters looked like in the beginning, some of the detail was unneeded. Maybe I'm asking for too much XD. Sorry about that haha.

Now, for the things out can tweak (brackets represent something I added/edited):

- Late that evening, Jack found Will sitting beside the dead dog, his forearms rested [resting?] on his knees

- Will ran a finger over the dog's fur, slowly, almost sadly- can be rewritten as "Will slowly ran a finger down the dog's fur, a hint of sadness in his expression" or something like that

- "For ya, it might be easy things, but for us, words are seen like spells. [instead of period, you can put "-"]Something bad

- Claire made her way nervously back to Maximilian's tent. - could be rewritten as "Clair nervously made her way back to Maxamilian's tent"

- "Put them there." He pointed to a clean area on the ground. "You'll sleep there."- I'm nit picky on repeated words. Maybe you can reformat it like this : He pointed to a clean area on the ground. "Put them there. That is where you will sleep." or something. Having "there" twice is a little repetitive

- I noticed that most of my edits were reorganizing the way you wrote the sentence. You have all the good detail, just try to make it flow as smoothly as possible. I hope this review helped! I'm off to the next chapter!

-Agent . Frappuccino
8/20/2010 c45 30sophiesix
arg i lost my review!

lets try again...

"It stings like mad."" sounds funny for a big tough warrior to say in teh middle of a war?

"lowed by a loyal Caramel." oh hai caramel! maybe introduce her earlier so it's not distracting at teh nice gloomy end bit?

"It's okay, lad. You can have my own horse if you wish." so he offered someone else's first or...?

" The man turned, and froze as a hand lay heavily on his shoulder." i thought a third person had entered here and laid a hand on black;s shoulder, so got a bit confused.

" like the horn that had sounded so desperately a few hours ago" any reaction to that from either of them, what does it mean to them? are they happy about it?

"he knew he would not return." noo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-! silent one needs a daddy!

"The present cared not what they were, but shoved them ruthlessly together and watched." the present being called... narq? ;)

"The blue magpies are dying." " oh! no!

"let himself sink in the full realisation of what had happened." i reckon its because seh was so wondrously alive and soft and nice, whereas he is facing death. :)
8/20/2010 c20 1esthaelum
Yo! It's been a while! *waves*

Aaw... The moment between Pan and her daughter was so sweet... It was really heart-warming to see them get reunited. I liked how Pan was a bit jealous because she didnt get to see her baby grow up. The Black Dove is very sweet too. You can tell he really cares about the baby...

I sense romance between that Black Dove and Pan... But what about Will... Hmm LOVE TRIANGLE. I LIKE IT!

And I can see that Will is starting to suspect Marco now.. I wonder when it'll get revealed that he's gonna betray them...
8/17/2010 c5 4InkedSoul
Hey, sorry you haven’t heard from me in a while!

Yay, Jack's still alive! :D

Not much to say, this chapter was pretty short, compared to the previous ones. I didn't find anything wrong, no grammar mistakes or gaps since you revised it already.

It was nice that Jack stayed behind and comforted the boy even though he was Cinah. I found it rather weird that the boy lied and used his dads name(unless he was named after his father?)I didn't realize that it was his dad's until I went back to the last chapter because I felt the name was familiar. (sorry haven't read in a while) Anyway, I wonder what kind of conflict is going to start between Jack and "Will" in future chapters. This is getting interesting!

Not to mention that the whole group is after them so that's going spark a whole other dilemma. I wonder why the State ordered Will dead. If I was Maximillian I wouldn’t have obeyed the order, but then again I probably don’t know the full power of the State, whatever they are exactly.

Anyway, overall great chapter. Really set a mysterious mood there and left the reader confused and curious. Good Job with this! "Will" better watch out! (:

8/15/2010 c45 5LilyWolfe
Oh no! It's all gone to hell in a handbasket! *cries* Wolf!

"Black let himself sink in the full realisation of what had happened" - this is going to sound awful but i have no idea what just happened. Maybe Black could care to explain?

It seems a little rushed, not very clear (the second part that is)

Gleo's orders to Black - suspense, yes but we aren't even given the smallest clue. fromt he last chapter i thought it was gleo who was saying he could get claire to number one safely. now, it's changed? Black and Claire are off, where? *confused* where did gleo go slinking in the shadows...why?

I liked the anology with the magpie - like Black - the last one - dying...but it went as quickly as it came. it reads like scattered thoughts, which works I suppose but is hard to follow.

claire asks if he's hurt? and then says he was taking so long? was he meant to go get her and help her up? hmm...

it's all awkward with him holding her...i feel like something is implied but not the thing my mind came up with...

Sorry if it's a horrible review! I mean it in the kindest possible way! I'm just a little lost...it's coming towards the end and things should be making sense and wrapping up. We need to see the three (black, clair and gleo) gelling together and even though they may be seperate, we should be left feeling as if their plan, no matter how suicidal, will work. Their chemistry is supposed to be the evidence, you know?

um, if i'm confusing you then just let me know and i'll try to clarify...
8/15/2010 c44 LilyWolfe
Whoa! Great opener. Tugs at heart string without being over emotional. Pan's awesome like that.

"he withdrew quickly, she couldn't..." I think a full stop instead of a comma.

Similarly with the sentence about how Black Dove looks at Silent One...it's very long a windy. The point gets lost a little.

In Max's part, it was evident the stress of the situation. I could feel his confidence dwindling (who wouldn't with a soldier that kept coming back wiht bad news?) but there was not a lot in the way of setting. By that I don't only mean where he is, and how "he turned to face his people" but there was no mention of them earlier. I mean sounds, are their war cries? gunshots? what about smell? can he smell anything? can he smell the rain? death? blood?

"attack for the front" - For the front? or FROM the front.

I like Wolf's behaviour in the start. Laughing, the comment about Will's hair. Hilarious. The only thing is "for Wolf looked like a down right dork." dork? kind of a misplaced word, don't you think?

"Yeah, laugh like you've never laughed before(,) men," otherwise it sounds like he's saying something about laughing in front of men. :P

Where are they standing? a muddy field? Just before the castle? Is it raining? I'm imagining rain...I don't know why...You're excellent with description so inject some in here. Make the reader feel like they are right there in it, fighting alongside them...(you can do it!)

"Will kicked his gelding into a canter" - there was no mention of horses before. When Wolf pushed Will to the ground...was he on his horse?

Fight scene. awesome. goosebumps - kudos.

oh, claire, Gleo and Black Dove to the rescue, eh? The conversation was a little confusing, I felt like I was out of the loop and trying to catch up but any simpler and it would be too explained. I understand that Black felt safe with Gleo but the whole dynamic between the three felt a little staged. maybe you can add something...I wish I could think of what. Sorry.
8/14/2010 c4 23AvidWriter-92
heya, Narq. :)

I really loved this chapter! :D

I thought that the new characters were especially interesting, and I can tell that the story is picking up pace. :) I thought that Will having a heart was a very interesting twist on the Cinah; you've portrayed them as bloodthirsty savages, and here's one that has a heart. So, they can't be all bad. :D

Again, I loved how you've intergrated that magpie bird into the story, and made it caw whenever something bad was going to happen, or if it was a tense moment. I think it really adds to the suspense of the story. :D It also is sort of... eerie, I think. To have somebody die, and things go on as usual.

Anyway. xP

I think that Max's character was very well portrayed also. I like his train of thought, trying to add Will's son into the Cinah army, after he kills Will. That was clever, and I can tell that he's sort of a mastermind, always thinking.

I loved the part at the end, when you narrate the story through another p.o.v, and still are talking about Jack and his family. :) That was really cool, I thought, and it adds to the depth of the story a bunch, I think. :D

I really do hope that Jack doesn't die, because then, Will will have died for nothing. :'( I don't think he will, because he's sort of a main character, and it's the beginning of the story. Most author's wait until the end to kill off a main character. xD

I like the last line, because it shows how detatched Max was when he killed him. You chose a number instead of a name, and simple actions, with no emotions behind them... :D Good job!

I only caught a couple things.

"He watched as the waves raced each other to the shore, crashing against one another, sagging back into the sea."

~I would change the last word/part of the sentence to something other than 'sea,' since you have that word in the previous sentence. It's a bit repetitive, I think.

Oh, and I was a bit confused; Was Thomson an actual priest, or was Will just making that up, and then Max knew that, so that's why he killed him? :P That was the only part that I was confused a bit by.

That's it. :P Everything else went well, I thought. :D

One last thing. (lol.) I really like how you have subtle bits and pieces of things, and add them to the story. Like the different way that the two types of people (The Cinah, and the Winata) talk. Those are the types of things that really make a story believable, and come to life. :D

Otherwise, fantastic job on this chapter! I thought that this one is the better one of the others that I have read, for some reason. Maybe it was the new characters? I don't know, exactly, but I loved it all the same. The plot is definitely picking up, and I can't wait ti see what becomes of Jack and his family! :D

~Avid. Review Buddies. :D (Repaid review: 2/2.)
8/13/2010 c3 AvidWriter-92
Heya, Narq. :) So sorry that this has taken me so long... :'( August has been a very busy month for me. :P

I liked how you opened this chapter. I was a bit confused at first, to be honest. :P But then I understood that it was a dream sequence. :) I also liked how you threw in another animal, and kept referencing it throughout the chapter. :)

Aha! I know who the Captain is now! :D At least, I think I know who it is... :P I hope that it's the same Captain as the first chapter, anyway. :) If it is, then that's a very interesting twist... Why would Thomson want to associate with the people of the slums? Hmm... ;)

I also liked the dialogue, and how you wrote it as not being grammatically correct. It added to the realness of the place, I think. :)

I especially liked the ending section. I'm wondering to myself why Thomson is so concerned about people like them, with he being educated and such. :P Maybe he's just a nice guy, but another side of me is thinking that he has some sort of ties to them... :)

Overall, I really liked the descriptions in this chapter. :D They felt very realistic, and I didn't find anything that needs to be improved on. *blush*

Hope that you don't mind! I think that most other people have pointed out grammar things, so I figured I would just point out the things that I liked/disliked about this story. :)

I do hope that both Thomson and that girl in the fire play a bigger part in the book. They are very interesting characters to me, and have a huge sense of mystery about them.

Good job on this chapter, Narq. :D

~Avid, Review Buddy. :D Repaying review... 1/2.
8/13/2010 c10 99Dreamers-Requiem
Chapter 10 - Poor Sheruna! Falling in love with the beggar boy but not being allowed to marry him :( Zared seems like an interesting character, it's just a bit confusing as to how much time has passed since he originally came to live in the castle. Sheruna sneaking into his room was quite funny, but kind of bittersweet too, desperate measure sort of. Two nicely written characters there.

Chapter 11 - Ahh, code words. Nicely done. I liked the interaction between the three boys, and how it was Marco who pointed out the '46' being foxes.

'It was some hours later now, that the understanding of this fully dawned.' Maybe "now, and the understanding of the note had fully dawned" or something? The sentence, as it is, is slightly awkward to read.

As always, great characters and I really like the way the plot is building up. Nicely done.
8/13/2010 c12 8Kobra Kid
Chapter Fourteen: Zared sort of scares me from his brutality. Like, now I have mixed emotions for him. I sorta have the feeling that he's a killer, but he saved the woman and child. Still, the way he mercillesly killed those two men was...not shocking, more disturbing.

The part with Gleo & his letter was a great addition. It showed how the war is affecting everyone, even the generals. His wife is with another man, and I really feel bad for the guy. :(

Chapter Fifteen: I really love Jack. I admire him, actually. :). He's a really brave boy, and I smiled when he asked 'how much? i'll pay.'

Hmm...Lillian. I watch this show called Supernatural, and one of the most powerful demons was Lillian. I wonder if you meant to do that or not. x). I like the name though, and I'm not saying she's a demon! 0.0

I like Lillian - she's strong, independent, fiesty & wild. :). My kind of girl. xD. I hate it when author's make a female character defenseless and weak.

Great job! As usual, I didn't spot anything that was wrong. Keep it up!

~B. Cross

-Payback via ACe Of Spades? Thanks! :D
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