8/24/2010 c43 Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu
Oh yeah! You're having a new project in your sights now. I'll be really eager for it especially if it's fantasy. :) Okay, so basically this is one of the best chapters I've read so far and it's all because in this one, Max was actually humanized to the max. Pardon the pun though. It's not intentional. -.- Also you've created a very strong show of Sheruna's character here as well. It seems that her own weakness is something that every reader can identify with. And the same goes for Max and Claire as well. Just a question though. Who does Max love actually? Sheruna or Claire? It seems that I'm convinced of a Max-Sheruna romance until Claire butt in at this moment. Please clarify this with me, okay? ;)

And of course as always, I've got my own offer of critique here. Namely Gleo's part in the chapter. So far, I can see his impact on his men, but I think you should have gone in on a more in depth exploration towards his feelings towards the Cinah ruling system since I'm convinced that it was the primary reason for his actions here. Try to explore in detail his current state of emotions and thoughts. Try to explain what exactly drove him to reach this very decision not to fight.

As for the first half between Captain and Wolf, well I can't actually say anything much critique wise since what has been going on here is pretty much the logical stuff in such a situation. I do think you could have given both of them a stronger show of emotions though. Maybe not that much for the Captain since he comes across to me as the calm leader type. But given my own views of Wolf's character, I think you could have done better in this respect.

8/22/2010 c11 WutNow
Here for Round Three!

Chapter 12

Gah, what's with these puzzles all of a sudden? Why toy with them? What's the point of that- I hate riddles! Oh lol! I laughed at the East and West thing with Will, Marco, and Jack. That played out nicely in my head :P.

See that's what friends do. They sacrifice for one another, and I thought that was touching. I'm sorry to ask this question, you might have addressed it and I'm terribly sorry if I missed it, but did you introduce this character Wolf before? He seemed like he's part of the crew already by the way he's talking with them. I know they met him along the way, but still, lol. I thought that was really nicely executed, whoever made the puzzle haha.

Oh wth the king is dead? SO SUDDEN? That caught me off guard. I thought he had more time left, at least time to see his daughter wed but wow. Since he's gone, she can marry Zared right? Sorry, but I never liked the King very much to begin with XD Love conquers all! Gah, at least the mysterious man didn't treat her so badly- he's making her eat right? There are worst ways to get tortured.

Chapter 13

I'm really loving how consistent you are with their dialects. The only person that speaks fluently was Jack, everyone else has these little accents that distinguishes them nicely. And the boys have only been training for a while and I'm not sure their fit for battle yet :(. I hope the Wise One was correct about this decision. Oh, and I loved you allowed the readers to see things from Marco's perspective, especially when he talked about his father- that was a cute moment.

I loved the dramatic scene with Will and Jack talking to the boys. The dirt/ home idea was brilliantly executed! I loved that scene very much. It breaks my heart though, since they are still boys and holding rifles and stuff. And the battle scene in the end with Will- amazing. You can't help but root for him!

Narq, this is a beautiful chapter!

This might be a late question... but where are the women of Winata? (just curious lol)

-Agent

8/22/2010 c9 WutNow
Howdy Review Buddy (Here from the Roadhouse!)

Wah, I didn't expect the chapter This chapter was the "calm after the storm" - it allowed the readers to settle into a less turbulent setting in the previous chapter, and I admired that break, so kudo points for you :). I liked how you illustrated how different Jack is from Will. Will has the ability to fight well, and the knowledge of literature is never significant for a warrior. I'm glad that Jack is there to provide Will with the comfort of both (mostly literature of course). And I liked how Jack reminded him of his freedom, because Will seems to forget that he has the power to change himself. However, to be honest, I felt that Jack saying "Can you write?" out of the blue seemed a little out of place. There was no indication that he was going to say anything about that, and it did not prepare the readers that the conversation was going to pop out, so that caught me off guard. Maybe you can introduce it in a more natural way? Because those words would not even cross my mind, especially when I'm staring at a dead dog (sorry! being honest XD and I'm sorry if I missed anything!)

I liked how Maximilian was protected of Claire, despite his obsessive behavior about her and that she doesn't really like him haha. Didn't she find it a little flattering? Haha.

Overall, I thought this was a decent chapter. I thought there was plenty of room to add more details/ descriptions if you chose- but since you described what the characters looked like in the beginning, some of the detail was unneeded. Maybe I'm asking for too much XD. Sorry about that haha.

Now, for the things out can tweak (brackets represent something I added/edited):

- Late that evening, Jack found Will sitting beside the dead dog, his forearms rested [resting?] on his knees

- Will ran a finger over the dog's fur, slowly, almost sadly- can be rewritten as "Will slowly ran a finger down the dog's fur, a hint of sadness in his expression" or something like that

- "For ya, it might be easy things, but for us, words are seen like spells. [instead of period, you can put "-"]Something bad

- Claire made her way nervously back to Maximilian's tent. - could be rewritten as "Clair nervously made her way back to Maxamilian's tent"

- "Put them there." He pointed to a clean area on the ground. "You'll sleep there."- I'm nit picky on repeated words. Maybe you can reformat it like this : He pointed to a clean area on the ground. "Put them there. That is where you will sleep." or something. Having "there" twice is a little repetitive

- I noticed that most of my edits were reorganizing the way you wrote the sentence. You have all the good detail, just try to make it flow as smoothly as possible. I hope this review helped! I'm off to the next chapter!

-Agent . Frappuccino

8/20/2010 c20 1esthaelum
Yo! It's been a while! *waves*

Aaw... The moment between Pan and her daughter was so sweet... It was really heart-warming to see them get reunited. I liked how Pan was a bit jealous because she didnt get to see her baby grow up. The Black Dove is very sweet too. You can tell he really cares about the baby...

I sense romance between that Black Dove and Pan... But what about Will... Hmm LOVE TRIANGLE. I LIKE IT!

And I can see that Will is starting to suspect Marco now.. I wonder when it'll get revealed that he's gonna betray them...

8/15/2010 c45 5LilyWolfe
Oh no! It's all gone to hell in a handbasket! *cries* Wolf!

"Black let himself sink in the full realisation of what had happened" - this is going to sound awful but i have no idea what just happened. Maybe Black could care to explain?

It seems a little rushed, not very clear (the second part that is)

Gleo's orders to Black - suspense, yes but we aren't even given the smallest clue. fromt he last chapter i thought it was gleo who was saying he could get claire to number one safely. now, it's changed? Black and Claire are off, where? *confused* where did gleo go slinking in the shadows...why?

I liked the anology with the magpie - like Black - the last one - dying...but it went as quickly as it came. it reads like scattered thoughts, which works I suppose but is hard to follow.

claire asks if he's hurt? and then says he was taking so long? was he meant to go get her and help her up? hmm...

it's all awkward with him holding her...i feel like something is implied but not the thing my mind came up with...

Sorry if it's a horrible review! I mean it in the kindest possible way! I'm just a little lost...it's coming towards the end and things should be making sense and wrapping up. We need to see the three (black, clair and gleo) gelling together and even though they may be seperate, we should be left feeling as if their plan, no matter how suicidal, will work. Their chemistry is supposed to be the evidence, you know?

um, if i'm confusing you then just let me know and i'll try to clarify...

8/14/2010 c4 23AvidWriter-92
heya, Narq. :)

I really loved this chapter! :D

I thought that the new characters were especially interesting, and I can tell that the story is picking up pace. :) I thought that Will having a heart was a very interesting twist on the Cinah; you've portrayed them as bloodthirsty savages, and here's one that has a heart. So, they can't be all bad. :D

Again, I loved how you've intergrated that magpie bird into the story, and made it caw whenever something bad was going to happen, or if it was a tense moment. I think it really adds to the suspense of the story. :D It also is sort of... eerie, I think. To have somebody die, and things go on as usual.

Anyway. xP

I think that Max's character was very well portrayed also. I like his train of thought, trying to add Will's son into the Cinah army, after he kills Will. That was clever, and I can tell that he's sort of a mastermind, always thinking.

I loved the part at the end, when you narrate the story through another p.o.v, and still are talking about Jack and his family. :) That was really cool, I thought, and it adds to the depth of the story a bunch, I think. :D

I really do hope that Jack doesn't die, because then, Will will have died for nothing. :'( I don't think he will, because he's sort of a main character, and it's the beginning of the story. Most author's wait until the end to kill off a main character. xD

I like the last line, because it shows how detatched Max was when he killed him. You chose a number instead of a name, and simple actions, with no emotions behind them... :D Good job!

I only caught a couple things.

"He watched as the waves raced each other to the shore, crashing against one another, sagging back into the sea."

~I would change the last word/part of the sentence to something other than 'sea,' since you have that word in the previous sentence. It's a bit repetitive, I think.

Oh, and I was a bit confused; Was Thomson an actual priest, or was Will just making that up, and then Max knew that, so that's why he killed him? :P That was the only part that I was confused a bit by.

That's it. :P Everything else went well, I thought. :D

One last thing. (lol.) I really like how you have subtle bits and pieces of things, and add them to the story. Like the different way that the two types of people (The Cinah, and the Winata) talk. Those are the types of things that really make a story believable, and come to life. :D

Otherwise, fantastic job on this chapter! I thought that this one is the better one of the others that I have read, for some reason. Maybe it was the new characters? I don't know, exactly, but I loved it all the same. The plot is definitely picking up, and I can't wait ti see what becomes of Jack and his family! :D

~Avid. Review Buddies. :D (Repaid review: 2/2.)

8/13/2010 c10 99Dreamers-Requiem
Chapter 10 - Poor Sheruna! Falling in love with the beggar boy but not being allowed to marry him :( Zared seems like an interesting character, it's just a bit confusing as to how much time has passed since he originally came to live in the castle. Sheruna sneaking into his room was quite funny, but kind of bittersweet too, desperate measure sort of. Two nicely written characters there.

Chapter 11 - Ahh, code words. Nicely done. I liked the interaction between the three boys, and how it was Marco who pointed out the '46' being foxes.

'It was some hours later now, that the understanding of this fully dawned.' Maybe "now, and the understanding of the note had fully dawned" or something? The sentence, as it is, is slightly awkward to read.

As always, great characters and I really like the way the plot is building up. Nicely done.