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for Shimbalama: Real fantasy

9/13/2011 c1 felix
"In those previous encounters their retreat had been was aided by the battlefield debris."

small error in that sentence liam, but i am well and truly intrigued, will read the rest as i get a chance
9/21/2010 c16 8PencilSketchS
Holy Cow! Rem's been given knowledge! YAY! I'm super excited about that. And who would have guessed it, huh? Welcome back, Rem. Good chapter, not much happened, but like I said, I'm glad Rem is back, I like him. Other than that, Lori is taking the leadership role like a pro. Didn't Clancy die? Or has he been replaced without the UN noticing? The tention between the wizards and our altered humans was good, appropriate. And you called the rebels Phil? Hahaha, that was funny.

some typos and corrections:

"He was well was accustomed" - remove second 'was'

"This aggression will be tolerated," - um, it will be?

"as to the man identity and business" - man[']s

"allow there to triangulate us" - allow 'them'

"Tod and Rem torn through a maze of hallways" - 'tore' instead of 'torn'

"but tod brushed past them" - 'Tod' with a capital 'T'

"Well, there done now" - they're instead of there (they as in the shields)

"He's can't take random" - just 'He'

"to be sure they'd find on by their own means." - find [us] by

"er on the side of caution" - 'er' should be 'err'

"We will become gorillas" - do you mean Guerrillas as in guerrilla warefare? or Gorillas as in the large ape?

"until like flower." "rock will crumble like flower " - I think you mean 'until like [flour]' and crumble like [flour]

"while flicking his flick flops " - flip flops

"departed in a burr" - [blur]?
8/31/2010 c15 PencilSketchS
New Chapter 14 (labeled 13: Mijail's replacement chap)

I LOVED the battle scene! First, poor Lori, for enduring the torture. Second, Lori is utterly awesome, even if a bit blood thirsty. I love your dialogue. She called them Muppets! It's good to see Tod is back too, his reappearance was perfectly timed and brilliantly executed, made my heart jump for joy. Your action scenes are really very entertaining and REAL. Nice work, Liam.

I think this fits here better than having the Mijail chapter revealed so soon. Sorry it's been a while since I've shot off a review, believe me it's good to be back :)

Few things to check on:

"they had no treat in them" - no "threat"

"Driven by a need to so great" - is there a word missing between "to" and "so" or is "to" not supposed to be there?

"She struck will every last drop of power at her disposal" - "will" should be "with"

"Diminous reheeled backwards" - maybe reheeled should be reeled?

"Whys that?" - why[']s

"consumed him in with fire so hot" - remove in

"its sense of sense preservation " - "self preservation" instead

"a battle she currently she nothing of " - she currently [knew] nothing of?


Chapter 15 (labelled 14):

Firstly, congrats on Lori's speech. Secondly, you have a flare for the dramatic, and I mean that in a good way. Should I be getting attached to Zingo and Sammy? I like Sammy, by the way, cause I mean really, who wouldn't love a cynic :D

Things are coming together nicely now, the resistance is finally possible. Thanks for the explination of the genetics... you had me doing punnet squares there for a minute Aa X Aa (it's been a while...) Otherwise, it's midnight, so I'll read more tomorrow. Ciao for now.

Few more things to check on:

"pausing to insure not drop of sarcasm was left in question" - "no" instead of "not"

"that is hurtling towards at light speed" - towards [us]? missing word

"as she made her way but to the podium" - "but" should be "back"

"and fare more important" - "far" instead of "fare"?
7/2/2010 c1 8FlamingInk57
awesomely epic dude.

You're a brilliant writer and I didn't get bored.

You have so much detail and brilliant descriptions.

Nice job dude.

from the GF
6/27/2010 c1 12lianoid
That's all they were now - pieces to use.

-I thought this line was rather chilling.

Interesting titles: Shi’ve, Shi’te, et cetera. On the downside, the names are quite similar to each other so it might difficult to remember which one is which. However, you didn’t really describe any of them in great detail, so I didn’t feel like I *had* to be able to set them apart.

Considering I started drifting once he began his technical mumbo jumbo, I probably missed something; however, I’m wondering at his words “Clear the ground immediately after as much as possible and set up bolters here, here and here.” Is there some sort of screen that he’s projecting/sending the specific locations he’s talking about, to them?

I love the description about The Filth being like a patchwork quilt that had arising from the dumpster and whatnot. It was hilarious and actually a little bit scary. Just that mental image of a quilt coming to life and jumping out of a dumpster. Childhood nightmare indeed.

The first paragraph after the scene break is far too big. And the last seven in this chapter are rather epic, themselves. I find with great blocks of description like this; my mind drifts more frequently than normal. I honestly can’t tell you what those paragraphs were about because they were so damn long. Then again, Sci-fi isn’t my preferred genre, so that’s probably a major part of the occasion. It’s rare I find myself enjoying a story that has the Sci-fi attached it to. Interesting story though. Perhaps if I liked reading Sci-fi, as well as epic battle scenes of this nature, I would enjoy it better. Unfortunately I don’t. That doesn’t mean this piece is bad, though. No, no. Your writing in fact, is rather concise and there were no grammatical errors, as far as I could see. This simply isn’t what I dig. Interesting piece, though.

6/17/2010 c1 11Richard Lafayette Cox V
One word: Epic.
6/16/2010 c1 10Vroooommmmmm
the concept is great...descriptions are good...dialogs were nice...sometimes ur paragraphs were short but well lets iggy, some grammatical errors like He was pure instinct[It was pure instinct]

well, the flow of the prologue is neat but I should tell you that the prologue shudnt be as long as this one, it should be short or medium without revealing much and getting people to read the story...i mean this does engage a reader but the prologue in itself is long..try editing and cutting it down to a manageable size...
6/7/2010 c14 8PencilSketchS
Hi, I like your new chapter. Mijail is an interesting character. I'm gonna take a wild guess, and say that the drunk guy from the bar at the end is Phil, and that he's drinking his sorrows away, and that he couldn't set the bar owner alight because he's exhausted his powers, or just thought better of it, or was to drunk to get it right.

You played with words all through this chapter, and it was a lot of fun to read. Again, I really like Mijail, hopefully we'll be seeing more of him.

A few corrections:

"Feeling lighted headed and dizzy" - feeling 'light' headed

"He restrained." - add himself, or else, maybe 'He refrained.'?

You misspelled Mijail's name a few times:

"Mijial just hoped that if he was caught"

"The next day Mjail woke late."

Not many at all.

Good job, I'm looking forward to the next chapter.


(oh, and I'm sure you can review in spanish, as long as you know for sure that the person receiving the review will understand it. Me, I understand english and afrikaans, so no spanish for mine, ok)
6/2/2010 c13 PencilSketchS
Oh, silly, silly Diminous. I can see where he thinks he's coming from but really!

My two favourite lines:

“Phil had gone to Gilia. Phil was not happy.”  understatement of the century, but I love Tod for it.

“Unfortunately, on the very same day that he completed the last act, and proved himself true, those bloody UN bastards went and dropped a nuke on his head.”  Brilliant, you’ll have to excuse me for laughing here (hahaha) Poor Phil.

Is Phil really dead? And where is Yaku and Zita? And why won't Rem wake up? And are the others really dead then? Argh! I have so many questions. I know you'll answer them, but I still just had to ask.

So earth's magic users finally stepped forward huh? This story is taking another strange and wonderful twist. I'll be waiting for the next chapter.


“Tod a released his” - remove ‘a’

“For hours Lori and tod” - ‘Tod’

“A slither of hope” - ‘sliver’ as in a small shard, a little bit, right?

“currently residing over a rather passionate debate”  do you mean ‘presiding’ over the meeting?

“traverse here, tho there.” - ‘traverse there’?

"OK," said Tod, [“]but I think you forgot”

"Don't give away to much," - ‘too’
6/2/2010 c12 PencilSketchS
okay, wow.

So, you went back to Tod and Lori on the field, where they were sparing. The imagery was awesome, by the way. The names for some of the attacks had me laughing though, esp intergalactic bulldozer.

I thought you might only write about Phil in the next chapter again, but I was glad to see you come back to him. I should have guessed Clancy wasn't human. I should have asked about his ears before. But then why was he so scared of being levitated, or was that just an act? I take it he's the one who killed the President, then used Phil's car to drive to the house to frame him, then teleported away from there, leaving the resonance that Yaku found.

All I could think of when Clancy got ripped apart was OUCH, but otherwise I refuse to feel sorry for him.

Poor Phil, though. I'm glad Yaku and Zita finally realised something was wrong, but I don't think they can stop Phil until Phil burns himself out... and that's not a reassuring thought.

Does Phil realize he's killing human beings? Or is he so far gone? Shame, poor guy.

Okay, here's some typos, then I'm off to the next chapter:

"follow though" - follow 'through'

"in any other contest" - 'context' instead of contest, maybe?

"what was to been" - what was to 'have' been

"He came up breathing hard. And frustrated, the bloody alien was ridiculously skilled and powerful." - Frustrated doesn't quite fit into that sentence. My suggestion is 'He came up breathing hard, frustrated. The bloody alien was ridiculously skilled and powerful." or something to that effect...

"where Lori and savagely beaten him" - where Lori 'had'

"Confusion and fear wared fiercely" - 'warred'

"that they worn so vainly" - 'wore'

"that didn't want to found?" - want to 'be' found
5/30/2010 c11 PencilSketchS
WOW, what an ending line! Talk about a surprising chapter! Firstly, I know that Phil would never have killed the president, so I sat here thinking, "Prove him wrong, Shimba, prove him wrong!" The Secretary of Defense pisses me off! I do like The Hark though. If only he'd had the support of the others there, but it seems Clancy convinced them all he was a doddering old fool. Sigh.

The there was the true story of what had happened. Ah, I bet Phil didn't think the ZX5 would be finding it's way back home. And then Yaku said someone had done a teleportation from the house? I don't think that was anyone from the house though. Which means the Secretary is in cahoots with another magic user?

And then the ending... How did none of them realise? Who got away? Are they all really dead? Shimba, would you really just introduce us to lots of interesting characters just to kill them off before we even got to know them?

Ah, I'll just have to read the next chapter to find out. This one was full of events. I still wonder, is the President dead? Or was that part of the lie?

Good work, really.

Okay, the typo's I found are as follows:

"of the SU to except the paradoxical nature of violence." - accept instead of except

"will always lead more, and worse, violence." - will always lead 'to'

"I was him, General, we have a positive ID" - I should be 'It'

"Un undeniably clear cut case," - Un should be 'An'

"they boy must live." - 'that' boy must live?

"All snuggled up and cossie looking" - cossie should be 'cozy'

"but it look ferocious to him" - but it 'looked'

"Tod could hardly see them as they moved." - I thought this was from Phil's point of view

"Combatants use every inch of their bodies as a weapons" - the tense has changed from past to present. Maybe you could say 'The combatants used every" instead

"Tod or Loris defences" - Lori's

"simply not able to except what he knew was true" - accept instead of except

"a new, primitive, instinctual from took its place" - 'form' instead of 'from'?

"He walked straight past petrified guard" - past 'the' petrified
5/28/2010 c10 PencilSketchS
Okay, that seemed easy. Thank goodness the president seemed reasonable. Phil was actually quite serious and very correct. The drive to the towers was fun too. It all seems a bit too easy right now, but it's plausible too. I see you've made this a Phil chapter, but I wander what the other three will say when they hear Phil went out to do this on his own?

I found a few typos, and thought I should point them out. If you want I can PM them separately too. But I'll not comment on grammar, seeing as my grammar is more than a little dodgy.

"Lorena through her hands in the air in disbelief." - through should be threw

"the weight of the world on your solders, mate." -soulders = shoulders

"Phil hopped that at least one nod was concerning the dragon." -hopped should be hoped

"spun the while and accelerated" - while = wheel

"to the soft per of eclectic engines." -purr?

"cars wove in and out of planes" - lanes?

"they constantly scanned for treats" - threats instead of treats

"utt most" = utmost

"He turned to address Phil. "Please forgive my impetuous Secretary of Defence." - I think you mean, She in the beginning of this sentence.

"It was bigger than the largest sports stadium he had ever." - seems incomplere. should 'seen' be the last word of the sentence?

"I am also in over my head and seeking perform my civil duty." - seeking 'to' perform

"Mr.s president" -Mrs. President

"I hope you're your sake its good." -I hope 'for' your sake

"Bloody nerves, thought, the last thing I want to do is hurt him." - Bloody nerves, 'he' thought

"I know it's a big ask" - task?

Other than that, the plot is moving forward so quickly now. Wow. I want to know what you have planned next. I like these world views and opinions and little observations you throw in all over. The chapter was easy to read, had nice imagery, especially the fast lane, and flowed well.

I just wander if it was only just nerves that nearly had Phil dropping the Secretary of Defence.
5/25/2010 c9 PencilSketchS
Wow, this was a fun chapter. You built atmosphere into it. I really liked the beginning when Tod woke up, where you said:

"Unfathomable anger matured into a hate so pure that he could not imagine how he would ever laughing again. Then, just as suddenly, his heart swelled with a love so pure that it burned away all thoughts of darkness."

Okay, so now we have an idea of what's going on in the heads of our new mages. Nicely done. The chapters pace was good and easy.

There are a few odd words that don't belong. sensors should be senses; when you're speaking about Tod's memories you wrote "told" instead of "old". There's not many that I found.

And I like the roles you gave them, and the fact you had Lori, your warrior's, yellow sword collapse. She'd been doing the best, apparently, and she needed the reminder she was not infallable.

Okay, I'll try to be more critical next chapter. I liked this one a lot.
5/24/2010 c1 8Kobra Kid
You are a very talented writer, but I was confused most of the chapter. I didn't know what was going on. Yes, its obvious there was a battle going on and everything, but I was like who is the Shi've and whatnot. However, if that is your intention to get people more interested, then it sure as hell worked. You do fairly well with battle scenes, but there were some parts such as "Mid air he switched hand weapons." When did he jump? Anyways, good chapter overall! Excellent job!

-B. Cross

**You are repaid!
4/23/2010 c1 4iamsupercerial
Whoa! You're a really good writer. There's a skillful use of detail and imagery in this story, along with an interesting plot. I'm definitely going to read more:)
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