for Eternity's Lie8/18/2011 c2 
99Dreamers-Requiem
Quick question; are you planning to continue this at all? I think it's a really good story, and I'm really intriqued by the world you've created. It sounds exciting. Although I do feel that Victoria was just too harsh on her roommate, although that just seems to be part of her personality. The style matches the content really well, and the descriptions aren't too overbearing; I think you have just the right amount to enable to reader to really picture the scene in their head. Great stuff.
99Dreamers-RequiemQuick question; are you planning to continue this at all? I think it's a really good story, and I'm really intriqued by the world you've created. It sounds exciting. Although I do feel that Victoria was just too harsh on her roommate, although that just seems to be part of her personality. The style matches the content really well, and the descriptions aren't too overbearing; I think you have just the right amount to enable to reader to really picture the scene in their head. Great stuff.
7/31/2011 c1 Dreamers-Requiem
So, I know this is an older piece, but it's the newest one that I have yet to review. So, anyway...A really good prologue, I liked it. You set the scene up well and the last line really added a kind of punch for me, very gripping. Especially as the actually travelling part does draw up the question, where are they going? A very dramatic way of answering that, I must say. I do have to admit, however, in some places it feels like the action gets bogged down in the description, making it a little bit difficult to follow. If you do come back to this, you may want to look at the description and maybe change it a bit, make it a bit easier to read? Anyway, great stuff!
So, I know this is an older piece, but it's the newest one that I have yet to review. So, anyway...A really good prologue, I liked it. You set the scene up well and the last line really added a kind of punch for me, very gripping. Especially as the actually travelling part does draw up the question, where are they going? A very dramatic way of answering that, I must say. I do have to admit, however, in some places it feels like the action gets bogged down in the description, making it a little bit difficult to follow. If you do come back to this, you may want to look at the description and maybe change it a bit, make it a bit easier to read? Anyway, great stuff!
6/24/2010 c2 12lianoid
Again with me drifting through all of the descriptions. You’re also providing information that I don’t find entirely necessary at this point. Of course, this is simply personal preference, but I find information easier to digest in smaller chunks. Take for instance her home village. You could easily slide that in somewhere later. Perhaps she meets someone new at the Academy and they talk about where they’re both from.
And her internal thoughts about not being able to study alchemy until the age of sixteen seemed a little mature, in my opinion. Particularly: “The education she had received for the last few years, though it stood nowhere close to Alchemy, had still granted her far more knowledge that she would have gained back in her home village. And of course, that was the reason they brought in the future Alchemists so early - to have a better education, and a safer environment to grow up in as well.” I don’t really find this to be crucial information to know at this part, but again, this is merely preference.
Forgive me if I’m being too bold, but I actually think it might be interesting if you simply started the story with her getting ready to leave. You could have her pack her things (if she needs to pack anything), walk about her residence while reminiscing a little (thus providing a little backstory in the appropriate places) and then having her get dressed to leave. Again, personal preference and I’ve gone on long enough about my tastes, so I’ll move on.
"Victoria!" A name called out, accompanied by a series of short, quick knocks on the door.
-Personal: “A name called out” reads oddly to me. I think “voice” should take the place of “name”.
But her attention was entirely off of them at the moment...
-Personal: “off of them” reads oddly to me. I think it’s because the rest of this piece reads so smoothly, and this part sticks out because it doesn’t maintain that formal refined tone.
Of course, us masters and the head alchemists, who you will meet later...
-Personal: Switch the order of “meet” and “later” to read “who you will later meet”. (Weird personal preference, feel free to completely ignore).
Only when someone behind her coughed did she realize that she was holding up the line and move on, blushing.
-Edit: Change “move” to “moved” and remove “that”.
Ha-ha, I love Archer’s dialogue when they go into the building and he talks about the separate quarters. He’s quite the cheeky one, isn’t he?
I like that Victoria has some prejudices at the start. It makes for a more interesting character and really makes her seem more realistic. Florence doesn’t seem like such a terrible creature, she’s actually quite adorable, albeit a little annoying, if you ask me. I also like Victoria and Archer’s relationship. At first I thought they were brother and sister, or at least somehow related, but after his comments in the hallway about sneaking into her quarters, I think that my first impression was wrong. They seem to have a rather platonic sort of relationship, with a hint of a little bit more to it.
I didn’t think of Harry Potter when I read this, actually, and I rather dislike it when people draw similarities between HP and other stories, simply based on setting. Just because HP has Hogwarts, does not deem other stories that take place in an institution of learning with young characters a rip off or some other non-condescending term. People should really stop drawing parallels between HP and other stories, because if they’d examine the story closer, they’d find many similarities between HP and common myths and archetypes. It actually gets me quite worked up sometimes, so I’ll leave it at that.
Aside from the epic descriptions, I think this piece is quite interesting. Quite different from your other pieces that I’ve read, but your editing and style is still rather cultivated. I like to this piece, as well as Bite, finished if at all possible. You’re going on my favourites anyway, so I’ll be keeping an eye out for any further developments.
Oh yes, about “falling into the Harry Potter trap,” I highly doubt you will. You’ve already proven yourself to be a sophisticated writer with a lot of tricks up her sleeve with a great deal of variety to back it up. The thing that sets the Harry Potter novels aside from other stories is the settings. It’s Hogwarts and Hogsmeade and Diagon Alley and Quidditch and that room that always changes and Azkaban. Those are things that make HP so unique and fun to read. I think the fact that this is an academy of alchemy is rather interesting, and I haven’t seen it done before. Just because you have young people gathering together in a magical/mystical/fantasy setting, does not automatically render this similar to HP. But enough of my vehement blathering. Onward to your next piece.
12lianoidAgain with me drifting through all of the descriptions. You’re also providing information that I don’t find entirely necessary at this point. Of course, this is simply personal preference, but I find information easier to digest in smaller chunks. Take for instance her home village. You could easily slide that in somewhere later. Perhaps she meets someone new at the Academy and they talk about where they’re both from.
And her internal thoughts about not being able to study alchemy until the age of sixteen seemed a little mature, in my opinion. Particularly: “The education she had received for the last few years, though it stood nowhere close to Alchemy, had still granted her far more knowledge that she would have gained back in her home village. And of course, that was the reason they brought in the future Alchemists so early - to have a better education, and a safer environment to grow up in as well.” I don’t really find this to be crucial information to know at this part, but again, this is merely preference.
Forgive me if I’m being too bold, but I actually think it might be interesting if you simply started the story with her getting ready to leave. You could have her pack her things (if she needs to pack anything), walk about her residence while reminiscing a little (thus providing a little backstory in the appropriate places) and then having her get dressed to leave. Again, personal preference and I’ve gone on long enough about my tastes, so I’ll move on.
"Victoria!" A name called out, accompanied by a series of short, quick knocks on the door.
-Personal: “A name called out” reads oddly to me. I think “voice” should take the place of “name”.
But her attention was entirely off of them at the moment...
-Personal: “off of them” reads oddly to me. I think it’s because the rest of this piece reads so smoothly, and this part sticks out because it doesn’t maintain that formal refined tone.
Of course, us masters and the head alchemists, who you will meet later...
-Personal: Switch the order of “meet” and “later” to read “who you will later meet”. (Weird personal preference, feel free to completely ignore).
Only when someone behind her coughed did she realize that she was holding up the line and move on, blushing.
-Edit: Change “move” to “moved” and remove “that”.
Ha-ha, I love Archer’s dialogue when they go into the building and he talks about the separate quarters. He’s quite the cheeky one, isn’t he?
I like that Victoria has some prejudices at the start. It makes for a more interesting character and really makes her seem more realistic. Florence doesn’t seem like such a terrible creature, she’s actually quite adorable, albeit a little annoying, if you ask me. I also like Victoria and Archer’s relationship. At first I thought they were brother and sister, or at least somehow related, but after his comments in the hallway about sneaking into her quarters, I think that my first impression was wrong. They seem to have a rather platonic sort of relationship, with a hint of a little bit more to it.
I didn’t think of Harry Potter when I read this, actually, and I rather dislike it when people draw similarities between HP and other stories, simply based on setting. Just because HP has Hogwarts, does not deem other stories that take place in an institution of learning with young characters a rip off or some other non-condescending term. People should really stop drawing parallels between HP and other stories, because if they’d examine the story closer, they’d find many similarities between HP and common myths and archetypes. It actually gets me quite worked up sometimes, so I’ll leave it at that.
Aside from the epic descriptions, I think this piece is quite interesting. Quite different from your other pieces that I’ve read, but your editing and style is still rather cultivated. I like to this piece, as well as Bite, finished if at all possible. You’re going on my favourites anyway, so I’ll be keeping an eye out for any further developments.
Oh yes, about “falling into the Harry Potter trap,” I highly doubt you will. You’ve already proven yourself to be a sophisticated writer with a lot of tricks up her sleeve with a great deal of variety to back it up. The thing that sets the Harry Potter novels aside from other stories is the settings. It’s Hogwarts and Hogsmeade and Diagon Alley and Quidditch and that room that always changes and Azkaban. Those are things that make HP so unique and fun to read. I think the fact that this is an academy of alchemy is rather interesting, and I haven’t seen it done before. Just because you have young people gathering together in a magical/mystical/fantasy setting, does not automatically render this similar to HP. But enough of my vehement blathering. Onward to your next piece.
6/24/2010 c1 lianoid
I must say this one has a great deal more description than your other ones. It’s not entirely working for me, I’m afraid, since I find myself drifting quite a bit. For instance: “Faulkner set down the boy he carried and hastily unwrapped him from the blankets he was covered in...” could easily be shortened to “Faulkner set down the boy and hastily unwrapped the blankets from him” or something similar. This is simply personal preference though, and I understand this is one of your older pieces that you’re might not come back to, but I thought I’d drop my two cents in about that.
On the other hand, I found it quite easy to picture everything. The last couple of lines really caught my attention and were rather exciting to read. Overall your writing is error free (yay) and refined. I would only recommend cutting back on some of the description if possible.
I must say this one has a great deal more description than your other ones. It’s not entirely working for me, I’m afraid, since I find myself drifting quite a bit. For instance: “Faulkner set down the boy he carried and hastily unwrapped him from the blankets he was covered in...” could easily be shortened to “Faulkner set down the boy and hastily unwrapped the blankets from him” or something similar. This is simply personal preference though, and I understand this is one of your older pieces that you’re might not come back to, but I thought I’d drop my two cents in about that.
On the other hand, I found it quite easy to picture everything. The last couple of lines really caught my attention and were rather exciting to read. Overall your writing is error free (yay) and refined. I would only recommend cutting back on some of the description if possible.
6/19/2010 c1 Hi
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5/4/2010 c2 2Skyline Stanza
I'm actually quite interesting in how you'll continue. Please do.
Don't worry if it seems like Harry Potter. Just go with it. If there were mythical science like alchemy in our world, I'm sure they'd have an education system. It just seems to make sense.
2Skyline StanzaI'm actually quite interesting in how you'll continue. Please do.
Don't worry if it seems like Harry Potter. Just go with it. If there were mythical science like alchemy in our world, I'm sure they'd have an education system. It just seems to make sense.
12/23/2009 c2 8ainedamdz
Haha, you're right, it does resemble Harry Potter a bit.
Anyway. Wow, you have way with words. The descriptions and details you put here are great, they made the setting so much more alive and better to imagine for the reader.
The dialogue was good, if not a bit too formal. But I believe you meant for it to be, since this story seems to have a medieval feel to it.
The only drawback I saw was that it lagged a bit in the first portions (of this chapter anyway). You seem to focus a lot on describing, that it distracts the readers from what the characters want to do or are doing. But the story picked up halfway through, and ended nicely.
Now I want to know what's next. So keep it up! Good work~
8ainedamdzHaha, you're right, it does resemble Harry Potter a bit.
Anyway. Wow, you have way with words. The descriptions and details you put here are great, they made the setting so much more alive and better to imagine for the reader.
The dialogue was good, if not a bit too formal. But I believe you meant for it to be, since this story seems to have a medieval feel to it.
The only drawback I saw was that it lagged a bit in the first portions (of this chapter anyway). You seem to focus a lot on describing, that it distracts the readers from what the characters want to do or are doing. But the story picked up halfway through, and ended nicely.
Now I want to know what's next. So keep it up! Good work~
12/23/2009 c1 ainedamdz
Great start, I got a sense of foreboding and it made me want to continue reading on. You might have added a bit more background on the characters, but then again, it might have been your intention to keep the prologue mysterious. Well, I'll save the grits for later, reading on~
Great start, I got a sense of foreboding and it made me want to continue reading on. You might have added a bit more background on the characters, but then again, it might have been your intention to keep the prologue mysterious. Well, I'll save the grits for later, reading on~
10/23/2009 c2 9Narq
one of these big ceremonies again. - haha, lol! good realistic dialogue.
And I really LOVe Archer, he is a adorably and cute, and wonderful!
Good, good chapter!
Narq.
9Narqone of these big ceremonies again. - haha, lol! good realistic dialogue.
And I really LOVe Archer, he is a adorably and cute, and wonderful!
Good, good chapter!
Narq.
10/23/2009 c1 Narq
Have I ever told you?
I love your writing style. It is blossoming with strong verbs and every word seems to be thought about before written down. One problem about this (the verbs) is that you don't want to have too many too strong ones together, so just be careful about that. Otherwise, wonderful job!
Narq.
Have I ever told you?
I love your writing style. It is blossoming with strong verbs and every word seems to be thought about before written down. One problem about this (the verbs) is that you don't want to have too many too strong ones together, so just be careful about that. Otherwise, wonderful job!
Narq.
10/8/2009 c2 Xx-Angel-of-Shadows-xX
Ouch...poor Victoria! And in a way..poor Florence as well. *sigh* Just doesn't know how irritating she is.
Like Christine in Maskerade, weirdly enough. But..nicer, I suppose.
But enough rambling, sorry about that. ^^
Again, very well written, with a compelling storyline. Loved the attention to detail you gave as well!
Cannot wait until the next update, please make it soon!
~Star~
Ouch...poor Victoria! And in a way..poor Florence as well. *sigh* Just doesn't know how irritating she is.
Like Christine in Maskerade, weirdly enough. But..nicer, I suppose.
But enough rambling, sorry about that. ^^
Again, very well written, with a compelling storyline. Loved the attention to detail you gave as well!
Cannot wait until the next update, please make it soon!
~Star~
10/8/2009 c1 Xx-Angel-of-Shadows-xX
Wow...intriguing!
And very well written as well. Great description, I didn't actually spoot any mistakes, I think, either!
So, very well done!
I'm not quite sure what else I can say, except...stay tuned for the next review!
~Star~
Wow...intriguing!
And very well written as well. Great description, I didn't actually spoot any mistakes, I think, either!
So, very well done!
I'm not quite sure what else I can say, except...stay tuned for the next review!
~Star~
10/2/2009 c2 17Eponine254
This is really good! I particularly liked the banter between Victoria and Archer. It was very sweet and believable. I think you could have brought Archer's name in a bit earlier, though - he is referred to only as "he" or "him" for several lines after her appears, and I kept going back and rereading to check whether I'd missed his name. The Florence/Victoria relationship reminds me a lot of Galinda and Elphaba from Wicked, so just be careful it doesn't turn out too similar!
Otherwise, this is great. I really like your style, and I didn't pick up on any spelling or grammar mistakes. I look forward to reading more!
17Eponine254This is really good! I particularly liked the banter between Victoria and Archer. It was very sweet and believable. I think you could have brought Archer's name in a bit earlier, though - he is referred to only as "he" or "him" for several lines after her appears, and I kept going back and rereading to check whether I'd missed his name. The Florence/Victoria relationship reminds me a lot of Galinda and Elphaba from Wicked, so just be careful it doesn't turn out too similar!
Otherwise, this is great. I really like your style, and I didn't pick up on any spelling or grammar mistakes. I look forward to reading more!
9/28/2009 c1 11HiddenFromYou
I liked the description in this. It set the scene beautifully, and the rain gave a heavy sense of foreboding. Well done.
However, and it may just be me, but I got the strong "Harry Potter" impression. If you changed the names in this (of the characters and the school), and the character's ages, you would have the Hogwarts arrival scene perfectly written from Hermione’s point of view.
I think there's a lot of potential in this opening chapter but PLEASE don't fall into the "Harry Potter" trap.
11HiddenFromYouI liked the description in this. It set the scene beautifully, and the rain gave a heavy sense of foreboding. Well done.
However, and it may just be me, but I got the strong "Harry Potter" impression. If you changed the names in this (of the characters and the school), and the character's ages, you would have the Hogwarts arrival scene perfectly written from Hermione’s point of view.
I think there's a lot of potential in this opening chapter but PLEASE don't fall into the "Harry Potter" trap.
9/27/2009 c1 10Nonlinear
For Review Game:
I enjoyed the end. Your headmaster's words captivated my attention. It ends the beginning with a sense of exciting possibility, which is exactly what you want to get the reader to continue to the next chapter.
Conversely, what I thought could be improved was the very beginning. The image of a carriage careening around in a downpour was interesting enough, but the language was complicated and cumbersome. Simpler (strong and stark) sentences might allow the reader to grab onto the story more easily. I felt myself trying to slip into the story itself but couldn't manage it until the girl's POV took hold. Actually, it may actually be the lack of a character connection that makes the very beginning hard to get into.
Hope that helps.
C.E.
10NonlinearFor Review Game:
I enjoyed the end. Your headmaster's words captivated my attention. It ends the beginning with a sense of exciting possibility, which is exactly what you want to get the reader to continue to the next chapter.
Conversely, what I thought could be improved was the very beginning. The image of a carriage careening around in a downpour was interesting enough, but the language was complicated and cumbersome. Simpler (strong and stark) sentences might allow the reader to grab onto the story more easily. I felt myself trying to slip into the story itself but couldn't manage it until the girl's POV took hold. Actually, it may actually be the lack of a character connection that makes the very beginning hard to get into.
Hope that helps.
C.E.