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1/5/2020 c1 3noveltealover
Even though your a/n says this has been taken down for editing and the last update was 10 years ago LOL, the summary intrigued me and I decided to check out all your chapters here even if you did take most of it down. Needless to say, I like your writing style (even from 10 years ago) and I totally understand cringing at old work LOL. Anyway, I thought this was a great first chapter to draw you in with Adam's amnesia and the mystery of what happened to Tyler. The conversation with his two friends, Seth and Matt made me chuckle even though it seemed a bit absurd that they'd bring up another party to attend when Adam was just recovering in the hospital, but I felt it was natural of his friends to kinda distract Adam from the pain and steer toward more light-hearted topics like going to another party lol. But anyway, it looks like you like to read stories on here more than write, but it was still enjoyable to read a snippet of your writing! :)
6/20/2014 c1 1Cheddar-Graham
Um... I ignored the bits in bold, cause I have no idea what that’s about!
Well, after reading this first chapter, I think I’d like to go on reading more, which kind of sums up what I think of it, I guess. It was easy to follow – I understood right away what had happened to Adam, and you give clues to entice me to speculate and figure things out for myself, like the exchange student and the guy in the jacket. Oh, and I think your dialogue sounds very natural!
8/24/2010 c1 5thefaultinourpatronus
Amazing start, if this is a mystery/romance type, I can't wait to read more!

Great work, keep writing!

x

mandy
7/29/2010 c3 3Tash Sta. Maria
Hmm. It seems kinda weird that Adam would be a goodie-two-shoes. Up until now, I've always imagined him as a badass. Or maybe it was just because of all the alcohol in the previous chapters. But I do recall you mentioning that he would go to a lot of parties with Tyler - something I'm not too sure someone with Adam's background would do.

Oh, wait, nevermind. I just read your next author's note. Eh heh. :)

But, but, but! I can see a vast improvement in your writing in this chapter. I don't know if this is a good or bad thing 'cos it makes it kinda obvious that the previous chapters weren't up to par (believe me, I'm not saying it's bad or anything; just that you're a whole lot better now).

Adam seems a lot more realistic and the rock scene in the forest was pretty cool :). However, there's this one small part I'm not too sure about, where Grace was crossing the road with an oncoming bus.

"Grace," he said weakly, "Get off the road."

Weakly just sounds a bit off. And normally I find that car crashes seem to take a matter of seconds while the whole conversation seems unrealistically drawled out. I would've liked it better if you just cut off all dialogue except two, preferably like this:

Out of the corner of his eye he noticed a bus driving towards them and he felt his heart stop; if Grace wasn't careful she was going to get hit seeing as the bus looked to be going a lot faster than it should have.

"Grace... GET OFF THE FUCKING ROAD!" he yelled. The bus was too close now, he was beginning to feel very nauseous.

"Why should I?"

And then just proceed with the crash. It keeps the readers more reigned it tightly that way.

Ah ha, don't keep doubting yourself. You CAN write and this chapter IS well-written despite your shortcomings about it. Believe me, I know how it feels when you look back at earlier chapters and think 'Shit. What made me write this?'. It's fairly normal :). Maybe when you're free from school (and of course, if you're up for it :P) you can start rewriting.

I know how you feel about school too. If I flunk anything, I'm blaming FP. Glad to see you have more self-restraint than me, though.

Eh, to wrap things up (sorry for the very lengthy review) this was a very wonderful chapter. :) Keep it up.
6/21/2010 c4 1yongwonhi
Don't beat yourself up over it so much; let your ideas just flow and maybe once you have a good solid chunk of the story completed, you can go back to make corrections where you think you need them. You have an interesting plot so far and you write Adam pretty well.

My only suggestion is to flesh out Grace a bit more; she seems to be such an important character in your story but as a reader, I don't really understand her personality. Maybe it's just too soon in the story? Either way, it's good so far and you've sparked my interest.

Sometimes you can be your own worst critic, so just write and don't fret! It'll work itself out. ;D
4/1/2010 c3 kodkvnnrjgn
Hey, so I read the first two chapters of your story a while ago and I meant to keep reading but I forgot!

I like where this is going. Grace seems like an interesting character, who could help or hurt Adam.
2/7/2010 c3 Anise Cary
interesting story, really got me wondering about Grace now, she's not just an exchange student is she? What's her goal? Why is she there? I really want to know where Tyler is, and what's been happening to Adam, was it really just liquor and beer he was drinking or did someone drop some other substance in it.

One question after this line: It wasn’t his fault that his mum had ingrained such a firm sense of wrong and right in him when he was but a young boy. I was confused has he changed since his first year of high school, have his values changed, bc I would think that someone with such a strong sense of right and wrong wouldn't get drunk bc they'd know it's wrong. Is he drinking to try and fit in or what?

Will be looking forward to more chapters to find out what's happening.
1/30/2010 c1 ct874rgy56
hey

id like to see what happens, how you make things happen =)

good job! its really good.
10/13/2009 c2 The Ape
I didn't notice any apostrophes in the wrong place! And the sluring was fine too!

I am looking forward to where you take this story!
10/12/2009 c2 2Lee-K-2o1o
still looking great! no, it's not annoying using extra letters, it's a clever way of showing the slurred speech, and your apostrophes appear okay...

the storyline is good... it seems like a realistic teenage party, and then at the end, something strange happens, were adam blacks out... i can't wait till the next chapter! keep it up

*Lkenny93*
10/11/2009 c2 RenEtAl
The extra letters weren't annoying (screw anyone who says they were), and it seemed like you used the apostrophes correctly. I'm surprised that's something you're worried about. Um.. Anything constructive to say... There were a few typos, of course, but fixing those isn't necessary to the plot.

Great chapter, though all the drinking and bong and drunk stuff kind of confused me @, being the clean loser I am.
10/11/2009 c2 kodkvnnrjgn
The dialogue between Adam and his friends is really funny. Same with the drunk dialogue at the end. I'm curious about why Adam says thinks that no one likes him. Anyway, can't wait to see what happens next!
10/11/2009 c1 kodkvnnrjgn
I love chapter 1! The descriptions are really good, and the story has a mysterious air.
10/7/2009 c1 RenEtAl
I like it. It's very interesting. You did a good job. Hehe, do Australian parents really call their kids "mate?" And do Aussie guys call girls "birds?" =o
10/3/2009 c1 Lee-K-2o1o
Simply amazing stuff... keep it up! you've got realistic characters, and a unique storyline! i can't really find much to criticise... hope i dont have to wait too long for another chapter to this...

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