3/17/2010 c2 8Kobra Kid
Haha, I love Nyxia! She's really cool & I love how she isn't one of those meek, weak woman (in typical stories I've read -_-) I love really powerful, cool, impulsive characters, definitely if they are girls! :D.

I don't think you need to rewrite this chapter. Everything was fine by me. I didn't see any errors with the dialogue or the descriptions. I think you should edit the first chapter though, all of the names got a bit confusing.

Besides that, I really loved it! :].

~BC

P.S. Could you please payback via Rise From The Ashes? Thanks!

3/14/2010 c1 8Kobra Kid
Very intriguing beginning. I liked the emotion in the intro & I hate Skuld! She's so mean! I did see a few errors however...

"Verdandi scowled the wind was furious and carried snow..." You need to add something in-between 'wind' and 'was', such as Verdani scowled the wind, that was furious and carried snow. Or you could you redo it all together.

"Skuld gave a mocked welcome faking a smile" This sentence doesn't make sense.

"Of all the Norns Skuld had to be the most unpredictable and most changeable" most unpredicatble and most changeable what? personality?

Besides all of that boring, gramatical stuff, I liked it. I love the really cool names & the emotion in this was great. I can't wait until I get to read more of it. Really, great job!

~BC from the Roadhouse

P.S. Could you please payback via "Rise From The Ashes"? Thanks!

2/8/2010 c3 6The Saturday Storytellers
This chapter feels a bit rushed. You need to go over it again and give descriptions of where the characters are. I can't really picture anything at the moment and that's a real shame. You've got such a huge potential for imagery here which, in this chapter especially, hasn't been exploited. Tell me where they were, what time of day it was, what the weather was like, what they could smell and see and hear, how they felt.

Again, I'd like a description of Ullr and a few other characters who appear here. Not being able to picture them lessens my ability to get into the story.

I get a strong impression you were keen just to get this chapter out - even the action is starting to sound rushed and not completely described. Working out whether the baby looked genuinely, demonically possessed (which, of course, she is) or whether she was just freaking out because she appeared, at first, to be acutely ill took a couple of re-reads.

"she only had was Thor's roar, and later on... Sif will have to realize that the girl has the temper of a thunderer..." is that someone's thoughts at the end? Who's? And could you make it clear they're thoughts by having them in quotation marks or italics? It would help.

You could have made it unclear to the reader at first whether the infant will be safe in Sif's care - Sif has reason to resent the baby and has just effectively been told she'll have to look after her. Even if she warms to the idea fairly quickly (which personally I'd doubt), I think you could use that as a cliffhanger. What would become of the baby if Sif rejected her, after all? And would it be warmth, or simple fear of the consequences, that would prompt her to accept the child?

Mm hm. I'm at the end of the chapter now and there's no cliffhanger. Sif's almost-unquestioning acceptance of the infant didn't do you any favours here, I don't think.

This chapter, in short, needs work. It's potentially a very good scene, but the writing is so hurried that the impact is greatly lessened.

Oh and by the way, do you want me to move on to reviewing something else after this? I notice that this is the most recent chapter you've got up at the time of writing. Do let me know via PM, won't you?

- Please pay back via Academy.

- From the Roadhouse.

2/2/2010 c2 The Saturday Storytellers
I'll ignore the Americanisms from here on in because I banged on about those quite a lot in my last review. I'll just say that I don't subjectively like them, but since they're part of the style you've consciously chosen, they're not actually a fault.

We might benefit from a bit of an introduction to who Nyxia is. Her appearance seems a bit random. So she's in the middle of what you call a 'clustered' room, suddenly physically being torn to pieces. Does 'clustered' mean full of people? Maybe some information on how they're responding would help. At the moment I feel that's missing.

Ah, so she's giving birth. Okay - that wasn't clear at first.

There's some amazing mythology in here - the possibility of being possessed by a benevolent demoness until adulthood? Quite a thought. But what does this demoness look like?

"Nyxia teared her gaze away and decided to clean herself up too." You've got a few examples dotted around where you've used the wrong word. It would be 'tore' not 'teared' here.

"She actually melted at the sight of her daughter's face, chubby and cute. " I realise this is a demigoddess who's just been born, but newborns aren't actually cute. They're red and blotchy with squashed, pug-like faces. It's only after they've been out the womb for a while (not sure how long. A few weeks, I'd guess) that they take on the cute look.

"Wished Thea was Arkos's daughter afterall but she knew the truth and everytime she faced the truth she actually wanted to kill herself for ever starting an affair with Thor in the first place." I can see what you're saying here but it needs to be phrased differently.

"the stormy eyes were suddenly grey like mercury." I realise this is just artistic licence, but to me mercury is silver.

There are some dramatic twists and turns in this scene where a lot of emotion is wrought, but it feels like it's made light of. The brief animosity between Nyxia as a mother who now has to trust Kaeryn's custodianship of her infant daughter, for instance. That would be really tense, even if it was fleeting. Perhaps you want to slow down the pace and take the time to explain how this or that character feels when that happens, rather than skipping over it for pace's sake. I think you can afford to do that - there's plenty happening here.

"It was a plastic smile" You might want to change the word 'plastic' to something else. Presumably plastic didn't exist during the time of the Scandanavian myths and it feels quite out of place.

""Are you going to take my daughter with you?"

That's it. He had officially crossed the line.

"Yes and don't you dare change her name. Hear me Thor Odinsson? Take care of her do you understand me?"

This is confusing: at first it sounds like Nyxia is going to take Thea on her journey. Then it turns out that Thor is going to take Thea instead. Which is it?

Again you've got an author's note and I feel that you're providing information there that can, and should, be integrated into the story. Don't be afraid to stop and describe, or give background information, to the reader. I wonder if you're concerned that doing so might bore readers. I don't think so - your storytelling is compelling enough that you can pull it off. And the classic tale is eventful and exotic enough that a reader is unlikely to get bored.

- Pay back via Academy.

- From the Roadhouse.

1/31/2010 c3 Palm Tree
It was a very short chapter, but also very, very cute. It could be longer but the length seemed appropriate considering all that happened in the chapter. I didn't feel like I missed anything critical, so it's all good. ^^-

I LOVED Sif. She's so NICE, and didn't completely burst into a rage when her husband brought home his bastard child. DARN YOU, THOR. How DARE you be unfaithful to HER? D8 So she totally scored a bunch of points with me in this. Same with her son, Ullr! He was PRECIOUS and I'm guessing that he and Thea will become good friends? 83

As with the last chapter, Thor seemed like a spineless worm, and his lying only strengthened that image in my mind. But I still like him, you know. ;G I'm just saying. XDD

The dialogue in this didn't have any little blips, and everything flowed pretty darn well. The only thing I can think to suggest would maybe include more description? I dunno. But I really like how this story is shaping up. I predict that the next few chapters will cover in fast-time Thea's growing up. 8]

Just another good chapter!

1/26/2010 c1 6The Saturday Storytellers
I realise you wanted a review of chapter 2, but I can't really do that until I've read chapter 1 and I've only really got time for one chapter. So review mine in return and I'll get to chapter 2, okay?

You're doing a fair bit of telling, not showing in your author's notes. If the storytelling is good then you don't need to do that. That potentially includes the mythclass and the 'How This is Made Up' part. I think you could weave those into the story if you wanted to.

Also, rather than telling us via a disclaimer that the quotes aren't yours, I'd just put the quotes into a search engine and see whether they're attributed to anyone in particular and attribute each to its owner. If not, just write 'Anonymous', 'Unknown', 'Various' or whatever. Cutting down on your author notes will give your whole story a smoother look. And your readers more to read, of course, which is what they've come for.

Personifying the thunder and wind and so on is a really nice idea - I like it, it's got a stylized, mythical feel to it. But the very last word of that paragraph, 'screwed', needs changing. It's an Americanism and totally undermines the feeling you've just built up.

Same with 'gonna'... and more of them as I read further on.

Verdandi effectively tells us who is whom when she replies, but it feels a bit artificial, too much of a list the way she says it. It needs better construction and then you'll be able to take away the author's note about the Norns.

I'd like to see some physical descriptions of the characters, especially Urd, who is blatantly not human.

I don't know whether the Norns were classically mocking - I suppose you'll have a better idea of that - but could you either give each one a different personality or, if they really are all the same, have them banter together so that the reader enjoys hearing what they have to say? At the moment they just sound like bickering teenagers and there isn't anything to really make me want to hear more from them.

You've got a few grammatical issues, mostly commas and full stops missing.

The Americanisms are really distracting, I'm afraid. You do need to work on those. Especially Thor talking like that. And another thing: does he not have Mjollnir with him at this time, I thought he and the hammer were synonymous.

From 2/3 of the way through the story, you're introducing a lot of new characters - Mimir, Odin, Dandi etc. without showing us who they are. They need a better introduction, I think.

Well, now I've got to the end I can see that there's a lot of potential in this first chapter, but it's ruined by the Americanisms and the poor characterisation. Everyone's acting like a teenager. I'd like to know where the story goes, but the storytelling needs work.

- Pay back via Academy Year 7.

- From the Roadhouse.

1/23/2010 c1 4chel bel
I really like this so far! I don't know much about Norse mythology, but I've always kind of had an interest in the subject, and I really like your twist on the whole thing. The characters in this were great, and I think you did a wonderful job characterizing them. I already love the Norns and their witty personalities along with Thor and his playerish ways ;D Haha, I can tell this is going to be something I'm really gonna like. The only problem I had with it was the numerous grammar errors I caught. It kind of made it hard to get through some parts of the story, so you may want to go back and fix them. Other than that, though, I didn't find anything else to critique on. Good job on this, and I'll definitely be going on to read the next chapter when I have more time. :)

1/23/2010 c1 Darknessfalls-1120
Great begining, I like how everything is thating of. I'm guessing that the main character of this story wll be the daughter of Thor. I've forgotten hat a demigod is though but I know that the girl will have some serious power. Now I'm off to the next chapter^^

-Darknessfalls-1120

From the Roadhouse