for Vampiric Fairy Zombies11/30/2013 c2 Guest
Great story, I'd really love to read more of it. Why did you stop updating it?
Great story, I'd really love to read more of it. Why did you stop updating it?
10/16/2009 c3 
5Snowgoose
Honestly, I'm surprised to be encountering this story online rather on the shelves of a bookstore. Absolutely awesome job. Normally I find long chapters tedious to R&R, but I was pulled in immediately and just couldn't stop reading. You have a great combination of wit, suspense and action, and your pacing is fantastic. Nikki isn't really a sympathetic character (yet; I suspect that'll change) but the bitchy humor of her narrative voice makes her a treat to read. This is so refreshing to find amidst a sea of supernatural cliches. Update soon!
5SnowgooseHonestly, I'm surprised to be encountering this story online rather on the shelves of a bookstore. Absolutely awesome job. Normally I find long chapters tedious to R&R, but I was pulled in immediately and just couldn't stop reading. You have a great combination of wit, suspense and action, and your pacing is fantastic. Nikki isn't really a sympathetic character (yet; I suspect that'll change) but the bitchy humor of her narrative voice makes her a treat to read. This is so refreshing to find amidst a sea of supernatural cliches. Update soon!
10/13/2009 c2 6Devil's Playground
I love this story already! The preface already had me excited to see what you were going to do with your heroine, and you're doing an absolutely great job of making her/the story original. I can't think of a single other fictionpress story where the main character is like this, and that's great. You did a very good job of staying true to her character the whole time, and you put a lot of personality into the narration.
The story seems very interesting, as well, and it was very well written. I didn't catch any errors as I was reading. Great job, overall!
6Devil's PlaygroundI love this story already! The preface already had me excited to see what you were going to do with your heroine, and you're doing an absolutely great job of making her/the story original. I can't think of a single other fictionpress story where the main character is like this, and that's great. You did a very good job of staying true to her character the whole time, and you put a lot of personality into the narration.
The story seems very interesting, as well, and it was very well written. I didn't catch any errors as I was reading. Great job, overall!
10/12/2009 c3 TymCon
Very interesting chapter. I liked the denial of her anorexia in this chapter. Like when she was climbing the hill. And the calm talk bettween mordecia and the other guy was nice. The mention of seals blocking the house was nice as well and i really wanna know what the otherside is:P All in all a very good chapter:P
Btw roadhouse payback to Eden for this review:P
Very interesting chapter. I liked the denial of her anorexia in this chapter. Like when she was climbing the hill. And the calm talk bettween mordecia and the other guy was nice. The mention of seals blocking the house was nice as well and i really wanna know what the otherside is:P All in all a very good chapter:P
Btw roadhouse payback to Eden for this review:P
10/12/2009 c2 TymCon
Well this is nice. Its nice to see a female male character whos hot but anerexoic. Well I liked the main characters in this, the diffrence beetween Mordecies voice and his appearence is a nice touch. Well this is getting intresting, their house sounds so cool btw.
Well this is nice. Its nice to see a female male character whos hot but anerexoic. Well I liked the main characters in this, the diffrence beetween Mordecies voice and his appearence is a nice touch. Well this is getting intresting, their house sounds so cool btw.
10/11/2009 c3 25KelaBelle
Wow. Im in love with your title its so brilliant, as soon as I saw the title I was like wow this is going to be a brill story and guess what I was write so far I'm loving it. Very nice.
25KelaBelleWow. Im in love with your title its so brilliant, as soon as I saw the title I was like wow this is going to be a brill story and guess what I was write so far I'm loving it. Very nice.
10/10/2009 c3 5RyAnn Leigh
Now I have to say that normally I don't read FictionPress stories. Hypocritical since I post here, but often I just don't have the time (due to massive amounts of school work). Yet when I started yours, I was instantly inthralled. Your character's voice is creative and humorous. I can't say she's a sympathetic character as of yet, but she is interesting, which keeps the reader going. She probably will have to have a slight personality change as the story goes on in oder for the reader to find her sympathetic, but most characters change as the book goes on so I doubt its an issue.
Your entire manner of telling the story is very well done and shows that you are a very talented writer. In fact, you have more talent than some published authors I have read in our genre (urban fantasy). I actually have very little to add as far as critics-from what I've read, this seems like a very promising and interesting tale. My only issue (and its a small one) is that while Malachai is holding her, I understand she's in a bit of shock, but I'm not sure her fear reaches the reader enough.
Malachai seems both hot and interesting. Although I have to admit, I'm rather intrigued with Mordecai (awesome names, btw). I look forward to finding out about both characters and also, I wonder as a cousin what abilities Nikki might have.
I hope that you continue to post this story. As a writer, I know how much reviews are appreciated so I promise to be a faithful reviewer. :)
5RyAnn LeighNow I have to say that normally I don't read FictionPress stories. Hypocritical since I post here, but often I just don't have the time (due to massive amounts of school work). Yet when I started yours, I was instantly inthralled. Your character's voice is creative and humorous. I can't say she's a sympathetic character as of yet, but she is interesting, which keeps the reader going. She probably will have to have a slight personality change as the story goes on in oder for the reader to find her sympathetic, but most characters change as the book goes on so I doubt its an issue.
Your entire manner of telling the story is very well done and shows that you are a very talented writer. In fact, you have more talent than some published authors I have read in our genre (urban fantasy). I actually have very little to add as far as critics-from what I've read, this seems like a very promising and interesting tale. My only issue (and its a small one) is that while Malachai is holding her, I understand she's in a bit of shock, but I'm not sure her fear reaches the reader enough.
Malachai seems both hot and interesting. Although I have to admit, I'm rather intrigued with Mordecai (awesome names, btw). I look forward to finding out about both characters and also, I wonder as a cousin what abilities Nikki might have.
I hope that you continue to post this story. As a writer, I know how much reviews are appreciated so I promise to be a faithful reviewer. :)
10/10/2009 c2 28mikey magee
The descriptions of the scenery and the characters were wonderful. I loved how you didn't just "describe" the scene and the people by just listing things (i.e he wore tank tops) but you also hinted at each of their back story and emotions towards one another.
The opening was a little weak in my opinion. The first line did not seem to fit the rest of the story. I would suggest deleting the first few lines and starting off with where Nicole is counting upward ("One" I ticked off on a single...) Also, the "Let me start at the beginning..." line threw the flow of the story off. You didn't need to have her introduce herself to the audience. Instead you could have been a little more subtle and had Mickey call her by name or give her some response, (i.e. "Yeah Nicky whatever, just because you're a model..." and inserted some of the backstory from there through dialog.
This story looks very promising, and there wasn't much I didn't like, though I'd watch out for this:
"MOTHER OF JESUS FUCKING CHRIST."
I get the idea but having letters in all capitals seems like your trying to hard. Personally I think the first "Holy mother" was fine.
Nice Job. Keep On Writing.
28mikey mageeThe descriptions of the scenery and the characters were wonderful. I loved how you didn't just "describe" the scene and the people by just listing things (i.e he wore tank tops) but you also hinted at each of their back story and emotions towards one another.
The opening was a little weak in my opinion. The first line did not seem to fit the rest of the story. I would suggest deleting the first few lines and starting off with where Nicole is counting upward ("One" I ticked off on a single...) Also, the "Let me start at the beginning..." line threw the flow of the story off. You didn't need to have her introduce herself to the audience. Instead you could have been a little more subtle and had Mickey call her by name or give her some response, (i.e. "Yeah Nicky whatever, just because you're a model..." and inserted some of the backstory from there through dialog.
This story looks very promising, and there wasn't much I didn't like, though I'd watch out for this:
"MOTHER OF JESUS FUCKING CHRIST."
I get the idea but having letters in all capitals seems like your trying to hard. Personally I think the first "Holy mother" was fine.
Nice Job. Keep On Writing.