for Broken10/13/2009 c1 
196Damaged
You have a good, general sense of how to formulate a poem ... with this one, however, you need to get away from the rhyming couplets. This poem lost its potential all for the sake having each end rhyme. Also, what's really good in poetry is not to be completely digetic in your writing - that is, SHOW the emotions you are feeling, don't just TELL. This poem could definitely be elongated and could truly be heart-wrenching rather than the general feel of "oh...this is a sad poem." For instance, in your lines:
"Without you, I'd go mad.
Because you're the best I've ever had."
Well ... show the narrator going mad. Explain how this person was the "best ever had."
The point of best potential, which really captivated my attention, were the lines:
"In my eyes, yes you're the perfect fix.
But what if we aren't the perfect mix?"
It was an unexpectant turn in the poem, which was very nicely done. If you could harness that energy and sense of emotion, this poem would be one-thousand times better.
All in all, I enjoyed reading this poem. :) Keep up your writing, I have a feeling you're going to go far in your aspirations.
-Damaged
196DamagedYou have a good, general sense of how to formulate a poem ... with this one, however, you need to get away from the rhyming couplets. This poem lost its potential all for the sake having each end rhyme. Also, what's really good in poetry is not to be completely digetic in your writing - that is, SHOW the emotions you are feeling, don't just TELL. This poem could definitely be elongated and could truly be heart-wrenching rather than the general feel of "oh...this is a sad poem." For instance, in your lines:
"Without you, I'd go mad.
Because you're the best I've ever had."
Well ... show the narrator going mad. Explain how this person was the "best ever had."
The point of best potential, which really captivated my attention, were the lines:
"In my eyes, yes you're the perfect fix.
But what if we aren't the perfect mix?"
It was an unexpectant turn in the poem, which was very nicely done. If you could harness that energy and sense of emotion, this poem would be one-thousand times better.
All in all, I enjoyed reading this poem. :) Keep up your writing, I have a feeling you're going to go far in your aspirations.
-Damaged
10/12/2009 c1 14The Harbinger of Reason
That is really sad - but at the same beautiful. I can relate to this though from past experience... I really, really like it.
14The Harbinger of ReasonThat is really sad - but at the same beautiful. I can relate to this though from past experience... I really, really like it.