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for Adamantine Steel

10/7/2010 c4 1esthaelum
As always, there's a lot of dialogue. Since your chapters are long, a chapter full of dialogue can get a bit tiring to read. I hate Billy Bob... Bullying's one thing, but setting someone on fire is another... Geez, he's a bit over the top with bullying, isn't he... At this point of the story, I don't think you've really let us know as much as we should have about the characters. Because you focus a lot on dialogue, we don't really get a chance to sympathize with the characters or know their thoughts. Adam, I think, is your most in depth character so far. As for Sam, he's just a bit... bland to me at the moment.

10/3/2010 c2 19Mandyla
I have the same comment about the special effects this chapter as I did in the last one: they detract from the story.

Bubba really pisses me off. I couldn't tell you how much I'd love to personally kick his ** for trying to rape Ambrosia (nice choice of name, by the way).

And, while Sam Hill doesn't care what happens to him, I feel bad for him. He gets abused at home and at school? *sigh* Poor Sam.

You still have some awkward/forced parts with the bullies picking on people.
10/1/2010 c5 redzorin
My mistake when it came to calling this a fanfic instead of a story. Sorry about that. Force of habit on my part. Nice freakin story.
10/1/2010 c3 1esthaelum
There was one thing that I didn't like in this chapter and that was how you showed the effects. Such as:




And so on... I think it was the exclamation marks that I didn't like... I think you could have described the effects in a different way. Also, sometimes its a bit hard figuring out who is talking and who's not, but maybe that's just me.

Aside from that, I'm liking Adam so far. He's a cool character. :)

9/26/2010 c1 19Mandyla
It's an interesting opening. I can't believe the teachers are just looking the other way while all of this is going on! Makes me kinda angry!

There were a few things that jumped out at me, though. First, the dialogue in some places seems a bit forced, like you're trying to really hit home with how the bullies are treating people like crap but it's a little over the top. We get it. Also, I'm not a huge fan of the !SPECIAL EFFECTS! They do more to take away from the story than add to it; they're more of a disctraction than anything else.
9/26/2010 c1 Old xRayneWolfx account
This was very funny x) I enjoyed it,the characters are crazy and the special effects makes this story feel like a manga story, but more action-like. I look forward to more :)

9/23/2010 c6 redzorin
Nice freakin fanfic.
9/23/2010 c2 Wounded-Petals
Okay, for this chapter teh same things apply that was in teh first one. I felt a little angry about the part with the boys trying to rape the girl because I couldn't get into it, but situations like that annoy me period.

Other than that, good chapter.

9/23/2010 c1 Wounded-Petals
Courtesy of the Roadhouse

Okay, this seems like a genuinely good idea for a story. I like the fact that it's supposed to take place a few years ago, when the school shootings happened and things started to look grim on bullying.

As far as Adam, I really want to say that this chapter makes me feel sympathetic towards him and what's going on with him but I can't. For starters, he gets beat up by the first guy, who doesn't come off as much of a man for what he did. Then the second guy. I feel upset that this kid gets tormented about everything and doesn't do anything...Being small really doesn't have much to do with it, lol.

The dialogue in the story sometimes comes off alittle forced and drawn on with unnecessary things that are said, and teh sound effects kinda don't fit in place. To me it's hard to take what's going on seriously when I read that after or before the action.

Other than that I like the idea of the story and hope it goes somewhere.

9/23/2010 c1 13Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu
Herro there. Here to return the review. :) Okay, so basically I'm actually wondering if this work is intended to be a parallel to the reality during the relevant era. Can you answer this question of mine. I'm really interested to see your answer. Also you did well on portraying the humanity in the bullies. And when I say humanity, I don't mean it in a good way. In fact it's common knowledge that the concept of humanity can be twisted into something morally unacceptable. This is best shown in the vicious cycle of being a victim going on the bullying path. Which led me to give you the props for highlighting this part in this chapter. Simply put, humans are destructive by nature. Yes I know I don't have much faith in humanity. You can officially call me a cynic now. -.-

Just a bit of advice here though. I know the process of bullying, but I think you could have included the Adam's thoughts on the bullies during the process of the beating. It doesn't have to be anything in depth since I believe this kind of thing would be better put into the later chapters. But maybe some snippets to let the readers into the whole screwed up situation. And lastly, I'll have to say that the background of this story really reminds me of any random Southern US states. Yes I'm that biased against the Southern states. -.-

-From The Roadhouse. :)
9/21/2010 c6 Sir Thames
Interesting way of shortening the chapters. It rather does make things easier. Carry on.
9/19/2010 c1 12lianoid
Chapter too long. Dialogue driven; bad. Dialogue tags; also bad. Special effects not working for me-are they supposed to be taken seriously? Bolded text would be better in italics. I don't normally leave reviews so lacking, but since yours was offensively so, I thought I'd return the favour.
9/19/2010 c1 45deefective
This reminds me of a David Letterman speech, from back in the day.
9/19/2010 c1 1esthaelum
Well, this is a good start so far. It's an original and nice idea. The only thing is that the first chapter is HUGE. Maybe make it shorter? Other than that, great start! Good luck on this :)

9/19/2010 c1 16Serendipitist Swan
Your story has the feel of a half-story half-comic book or maybe even half-video game. I think it's a welcome change from the average, especially the intriguing !SPECIAL EFFECTS!

Keep on writing.

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