10/21/2009 c3 8A Silence in Winter
This story is very intriguing so far. Although there are many fantasy stories about people finding their "place," so to speak, this idea is fresh and new. It has an eerie appeal that suits the October mood that is drifting in the air this time of year. :3

The opening of this chapter was a nice segue from the last chapter. It includes all the details in a brief summary and then elaborates briefly on them to refresh our memory. However, I would recommend keeping the parentheticals to a minimum, if you can. There are ways to remind of us, for example, of what is on the banner without a parenthetical. To me, parenthetical disrupt the flow of the story. Although it wasn't too bad since they were only in the beginning of the story. :)

The ENDING was incredible! It truly leaves us hanging off the edge of a cliff (with possible sharp rocks at the bottom! Eek!) "...if I died in the chapel in Avaris...why did I awaken in Northica?" - I absolutely LOVE this last line! It's so perfect for the ending. It leaves wanting to find out the reason /why/ Artemus died in one place but awoke in another. This chapter's ending is fantastic because it finally gets the wheels of the story turning. =D -starts singing the Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round-

You overall description of this scene was fantastic. I was there, with Artemus, looking at that amazingly terrifying castle off in the mountains. I was beside him as he looked up the remodeled clock tower, and then when he met the skeletal guards who, peculiarly, were very similar to Artemus. Hmm...

What you've done is paint a picture in my head and I love authors who can do this. You have excellent visionary skills and from here you can only go up, so I encourage you to continue practicing the art of expanding on the luscious scenes of your story. :)

Well, this is really the first chapter that has very much dialogue. I was a little nervous that you were going to make him be very solitary, so the dialogue at the end was a very pleasant surprise. It was concise and not at all full of unnecessary fluff, which is important as far as dialogue is concerned. The internal monologue throughout the story is also very nice and put together well. So, basically, your use of dialogue is superb. :)

So, you've done an excellent job with dialogue, your scenes, your opening, and your ending. However, I would like to see more character development. I don't really feel like I know Artemus and I am actually a little confused about whether or not he enjoys his new appearance... As for Majora, I love him, but again, I would like a little more development on just /who/ he actually is.

The relationships between characters is a little bare, I feel. The exchange between Artemus, Jeson,and Mykal was GOOD. It sounded just like a normal conversation! :) I just don't know if they're going to be lasting characters. If they aren't, then I would really like to see more interaction with Majora and see why they seem to be such great pals. If Jeson and Mykal /are/ going to be at least semi-permanent, then power to ya! :D ...Although I would still like to hear more from Majora. So far, he's my favvie! X3

The writing you have selected is very appropriate for this genre. Artemus actually sounds like a male from a midieval era. It's pure excellency. :)

There were, however, a couple of funny wordings/spelling mistakes/typos that I noticed.

"...followed my back inside the chapel from whence I had arisen. " - This /can/ work, it just sounded funny to me. Did you mean followed /me/ back inside the chapel?

"I was most trained in the art of rapier-play." - To me, this sounds like "more better." Now, since my brother is a D&D player, I am used to him saying things like this all the time. However, since I absolutely adore the English language, sentences like these are not to my taste. Again, this is sort of an opinion thing of mine.

Overall, I really did enjoy this story! It's very unique. Plus, I see a lot of potential. The basic outline of the story is a bit common, but the details are not by any means! Undeadish skeletal beings after a war? w00t! Sounds like fun! =]

The pace of this story is just right. It's not too fast and not too slow. The only thin I feel should be explained more is, of course, the characters. The actual progression is good and I feel like you're covering a lot of ground whilst not leaving us in the dust! So good job there! :3

The technique I'm seeing most is your foreshadowing. You've got a certain omnipresent force in the story that is lurking just beyond the reader's vision and I love it! It adds to the creepy and almost lonely feeling of this story. =3

Overall, I think you've got a great story here and I encourage you to keep on writing! -Leigh