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10/24/2012 c1 3RainbowKnight69
This was phenomenal! :)
7/4/2010 c1 17Murder245
Wow. This is incredible. Fantastic work. :]

10/24/2009 c1 9helium lost
Reviewing as I read:

• Dialogue: You don't need to use phrases like "I snap" or "he cries" for most dialogue; the emotion should be clear from the text itself, and having the extra tags ends up being distracting.

• "Lots are sold together and are usually made of people who are paying off debt or have no family since the more prominent ones go at a high price separately." This sentence comes off a little awkward; it's too much of an information dump and breaks from his more casual speaking style.

• Dialogue at the end of the first section: A lot of the dialogue seems to be conveying information and not real dialogue between characters—particularly because that boy is thirteen; the way he conveys the information sounds a little too advanced. Additionally, there could be a lot more showing: instead of just tags like "I muse" and "I concede with a smile", there could be more description—what's the scene like? What's the body language of the various characters look like? What do their voices sound like? How do they convey their emotions? etc.

• "Our chain is pulled, commanding us to walk onto the large stage for showing. It doesn’t matter how good of a life this is supposed to be, disgust at being sold swells up inside my chest." Again, more elaboration: What's the scene like? Can you expand on the atmosphere? Is there an air of desperation? frustration? What kind of physical details can you include? Is the place like a slum? Is it dirty and messy, or is it classier? etc.

• The scene that starts with "He grabs my chin to move my face for his appraisal." is good—the air is much more charged with tenseness, and the dialogue is more real. The ending was a bit abrupt, though.

• The scene that follows—"I absently help with the laundry while replaying Elle’s actions."—could use more detail. You've got the basics of the thoughts and emotions down, but so much more could be elaborated. More on the internal conflict, more on the scene.

• The following scene, with undressing—it's got a good base, but I wish there were a little more: a little more body language, a little more description of the scene, a little more chemistry charged in the air. It's pretty good as is, but it feels like bits of it could be fleshed out more.

• The scene with Elle's background is nice; enough to give an idea without being overloaded with detail. There could be more of the narrator's reactions, but that's more personal preference. However, I didn't quite understand what "I can only manage to hate half of them." meant.

• The following scene could use more sensory detail: more visuals for the scene; more audio. Maybe their conversation and his teasing could be punctuated by Elle's moans, which you could describe more.

• I like the idea in the next scene of loving the master, but I feel there could be more to show Elle's distress—the dialogue gets a good part of it across, but I feel I could know more of her distress—is it is just something small that bothers her? Does she try to hide it, or does it run deeper? How does her body reflect that? Also, the last part with the narrator responding "Yes." is good, but there could be more detail to make it less sudden: Does the narrator look at Elle while she says it? What does she see? What does she think of Elle as she says it? What's the air between them like?

• Again, following scene is a little scant on details. Dialogue is nice, but it seems to be floating without a context.

• I like the next scene; you have a good way of choosing a few details here and there for sex scenes that get a rise out of the reader. The narrator's jealousy and anger could be expounded on, though.

• I really like the next scene. The detail in it was great; I definitely felt the strong sense of chemistry that the narrator has for Elle. :)

• Dialogue-based bit could use more detail: more of Elle's confusion; more of the narrator's regret.

• The narrator's teasing in the next scene is unusual; she's normally not the one doing the teasing—is there anything in particular that effected a change?

• I really like the line "Silence stretches between us." :)

• I like the hasty, hurried feel in the next scene. :)

• Really love the disjointed feel of the next scene and the relationship between the narrator and Elle that's conveyed in that set of just a few words. Probably my favorite scene so far in the way it's written.

• I really love the last scene. It's filled with so much tenderness and emotion, especially the last paragraph, and I love how you tied the whole bit about names from the beginning together with the end. It's a lovely ending; I really liked it.

Some general comments after reading the whole thing:

• You have some parts where you're missing punctuation, mainly commas. I can go through and copy-edit those if you'd like.

• Like I said through the comment-while-reading review, the dialogue bits could be fleshed out more; just having dialogue devoid of context is a bit empty and skeletal, which isn't the effect that you're going for, I think.

• I like the pace of the development of their relationship. It didn't go too fast, and it felt sincere.

• The story as a whole, though, could've used more sensory detail: I had an image of the scene in mind, pulling from ideas of what I think the scene would be like, but it would be great to see more from your side.

So yes. I think that's it. Let me know if you want me to expand on any of the points. :)

10/22/2009 c1 1Mak Hertz
1. Very different style for you so far.

2. A very different beginning, and I'm quite curious to learn more.

3. It's like I'm confused but at the same time I'm getting enough information to not be confused. I guess it's more curiosity about what you're not telling us yet.

4. Well I'm glad Elle "saved" her from her master.

5. I get the impression the girl who's speaking is young... but I don't know if she really is. Elle seems much older. But then, it might just be that she's a lot more experienced.

6. So She is older than 13. I guess it really is just that she's less experienced and more shy.

7. I'd say that the sex scene is borderline R.

8. And I'm finding the main character's obsession cute.

9. "I uh, I can help with your back since it’s behind you…" - haha. Cute.

10. I'm really liking her shy awkwardness because it's so drastically different from your other two main characters.

11. I also find it funny the fact he's 13 keeps coming up, every time he's mentioned. :)

12. I did enjoy, and I'm not a huge fan of femmeslash. But it was well written, and that's what matters. And I'm most likely going to read everything you ever write, not matter how far it is from my norm. I liked how subtle it was, and how different your characters were. I liked the mysteriousness of it, and more of how you didn't quite know what was going on some of the time, but you knew enough to not be completely lost (I think that makes sense). Keep up the great work! I can't wait to see what you come out with next!
10/22/2009 c1 5D. Morgenstern
Oh I did enjoy, this was excellent. You're quite adept at the style.

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