for Dark Words10/26/2009 c2 
7SoneAnna
Opening:
Let me say it was a tad bit confusing, mostly because of the over-descriptiveness. "His fringe falling in his eyes in a straggled mess of jagged lines but not making it any harder for him to see his hands," falls into that specifically. I still frankly don't understand what you are trying to say with this.
Writing:
Your style kind of jumps around a bit, which in "bits" can be okay, but I noticed sometimes it switched around in the middle of sentences, from more modern and quick, to more "flowery" and descriptive.
For an example: "The gold cross that used to belong to his mother was cold were it pressed against his skin, tucked into the inside of his pale blue uniform" vs. "where other people couldn’t see it, because he knew if anyone so much as grazed it he’d try to punch their lights out, and that was a no-go since he was trying to reform."
Also, a kind of repetitiveness in saying "black hair with a blue-black sheen."
Character:
Personally, the way of naming one of your characters "zero" is overused, which definately can turn people off. Your descriptions of him having "shiny indigo-blue eyes" and "wavy black hair down to his shoulders with a blue-black sheen" only makes me think even more of "cliche."
Pace:
The pace was also not too enjoyable. In individual scenes, it was fine, but when switched from Kairo and Zero, to Luca and Wick, to Arcade and Lunar...it felt rushed. And the fact of introducing so many characters in one chapter, much less in a rushed format, was also very confusing.
Overall, it needs some work, but I think by plotline you've got a kind of unique idea going on. :)
7SoneAnnaOpening:
Let me say it was a tad bit confusing, mostly because of the over-descriptiveness. "His fringe falling in his eyes in a straggled mess of jagged lines but not making it any harder for him to see his hands," falls into that specifically. I still frankly don't understand what you are trying to say with this.
Writing:
Your style kind of jumps around a bit, which in "bits" can be okay, but I noticed sometimes it switched around in the middle of sentences, from more modern and quick, to more "flowery" and descriptive.
For an example: "The gold cross that used to belong to his mother was cold were it pressed against his skin, tucked into the inside of his pale blue uniform" vs. "where other people couldn’t see it, because he knew if anyone so much as grazed it he’d try to punch their lights out, and that was a no-go since he was trying to reform."
Also, a kind of repetitiveness in saying "black hair with a blue-black sheen."
Character:
Personally, the way of naming one of your characters "zero" is overused, which definately can turn people off. Your descriptions of him having "shiny indigo-blue eyes" and "wavy black hair down to his shoulders with a blue-black sheen" only makes me think even more of "cliche."
Pace:
The pace was also not too enjoyable. In individual scenes, it was fine, but when switched from Kairo and Zero, to Luca and Wick, to Arcade and Lunar...it felt rushed. And the fact of introducing so many characters in one chapter, much less in a rushed format, was also very confusing.
Overall, it needs some work, but I think by plotline you've got a kind of unique idea going on. :)
10/25/2009 c2 TreeWhisperer
YAY, VIOLINS!
That was random. Now let's get to the real stuff...
I like your descriptions. They really helped me visualize everything as though it were right in front of me.
The mood is great too, like in the first part, it really felt like jail-y just by the way you wrote it. The mood was dark and mysterious.
This story is really interesting, but it's a bit confusing, too at times. The mysterious way you wrote it makes someone want to read more.
~TreeWhisperer
YAY, VIOLINS!
That was random. Now let's get to the real stuff...
I like your descriptions. They really helped me visualize everything as though it were right in front of me.
The mood is great too, like in the first part, it really felt like jail-y just by the way you wrote it. The mood was dark and mysterious.
This story is really interesting, but it's a bit confusing, too at times. The mysterious way you wrote it makes someone want to read more.
~TreeWhisperer