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for Three Witches Grimm

10/22/2011 c1 Regina de Morte a.k.a. Mezza
I am working on my English Major and my Masters in Library Sciences. The Grimm Brothers wrote a horrid tale, you should read it and not assume that the Disney movie is the correct version. Sleeping Beauty gets raped. That isn't happily ever after if you ask me.


Honestly, read the tales, they are fantastic.
1/19/2011 c2 2roxyideman
It makes me angry that I don't have the time to read more but I will! Definitely. Your story is great and your writing style is something I have never ever seen before. Your work is something else just like the main character xD Keep writing and never give it up
9/2/2010 c18 ACF
How cute.
4/9/2010 c3 2faedaydreamer
I love how the narrator's name went from 'Crane' to 'Duck'. That was funny. :D The way this story is written is pretty cool, and the ending of this chapter was well done. Lol at Edgar. Awesome job. 8D
3/13/2010 c6 11J. D. Bennett
(Hey, sorry it took so long to review...life has been crazy lately and unfortunately the pen is no substitute for the real world)

I love this chapter, and there's a lot in it, but I just can't give you a super long review because, frankly, it is great and there's not that much more to say. I don't have any questions. I really love how you mix flowery faerie tale with sarcasm and wit. Keep up the great work!
3/3/2010 c5 4lookingwest
...I did not know how to make my own decisions as all of mine had previously been made for me.

-I like this observation about childhood, never thought about it like that.

He had a long, curly mustache and wore a dark purple top hat.

-The Warden from Superjail! (Sorry, inside joke about purple top hats) ;)

He said "Happy day..."

-Edit: needs comma after "said"

"Say" Helter said eventually "What is a small child like you doing out on your own here?"

-Edit: comma after "say" and "eventually"

-Helter...interested name choice...kind of foreboding...

Helter frowned "The red death takes many."

-Edit: comma after "frowned"

"Sit down." she said.

-Edit: needs a comma after "down" instead of a period, otherwise it makes "she said" one sentence and that takes away smoothness.

"well?" She asked again...

-Edit: capitalize "Well"

-Edit: would omit "again" since she technically doesn't say "well?" before this, just to tighten up the narration and take out a filler word.

"...Interesting" She said quietly.

-Edit: un-capitalize "she", add comma after "interesting"

"yes" She confirmed to herself "You definitely are. .."

-Edit: capitalize "yes", un-cap "she" and add a comma after "herself"

...her gaze there "Whether..."

-Edit: comma after "there"

"...you understand" she continued...

-Edit: comma after "understand"

...in the way. "and they..."

-Edit: use a comma instead of a period

"I would do it myself." she said "But..."

-Edit: comma after "myself" instead of period, and comma after "said"

"Ahh...I almost forgot." the witch tsked.

-Edit: comma instead of period after "forgot"

I like the witch character so far, she's very ambiguous and I think it adds an edgy almost creepy overtone to the narration.

"you must not worry..."

-Edit: capitalize "You"

Did you come up with Helter's poem/song all by yourself? I like it, very clever interjection!

Said Helter "There is more value in what you can communicate with your eyes than a thousand words."

-Suggested edit: I'd invert the "said Helter" to the end of the dialogue, since you don't use this sort of structure very often.

-Edit: comma after "Helter"

"Here" As soon as I sat up...

-Edit: comma after "Here"

"So" She said...

-Edit: comma after "so" and un-capitalize "She"

"Just try" She ordered.

-Edit: comma after "try" and un-capitalize "She"

"Go on" She told me "I'm not going to..."

-Edit: comma after "on" and un-capitalize "She"

"Use your words." She advised.

-Edit: comma instead of period after "words" and un-capitalize "She"

"Yes" She said.

-Edit: Ibid above style

"...lovely home you've got" I said...

-Edit: comma after "got"

I shrugged "Alright."

-Edit: comma after "shrugged"

"I know" She went on "It is the most I could ask of you"

-Edit: comma after "know", comma after "on", period after "you"

"I'll do it"

-Edit: period after "It"

"after all, who could expect a loyal servant ..."

-Edit: capitalize "After"

She told me "The voice I've given you..."

-Edit: comma after "me"

I'm liking this turn of events focusing on the voice, very cool concept!

"Be successful in your task" She went on "And I will restore it completely. Have we got a deal?"

-Edit: comma after "task", un-capitalize "She", comma after "on"

"Then go Croliver" The witch said "The fate of many lives may be in your hands."

-Edit: comma after "Croliver" and after "said"

"Duck!" He said "Thank god you're back..."

-Edit: comma after "said"

"I daresay" Justin said with a gaping mouth "It does appear that our..."

-Edit: comma after "daresay" and comma after "mouth"

"Oh Duck" Justin went on "If only you could talk..."

-Edit: comma after "Duck", comma after "on"

He sighed "But the important thing is..."

-Edit: comma after "sighed"


-Enjoyed this chapter a lot, the only negatives were the many, many dialogue speaker tag errors, but those are all easily fixed. I may have missed a few but I tried to catch them all just so you were able to have a detailed list of them if you should ever decide to do revisions to the story. I liked when the witch was introduced and the way you handled the interaction between her and Duck, basically it really intrigued me and I found the premise unique, per usual, haha-the characterization is building and I look forward to learning more! Plus, love the chapter title ^_^
2/28/2010 c4 lookingwest
Such a sorrow, such a loss, such a fine example of a traveling salesman.

-No kidding o.o I liked that, XD

"Talking in yer sleep ye were" He told me, foul breath aimed directly in my face

-Edit: needs a comma after "were"

Hartford only nodded "Yes I know, but it's true...you said something about the tower" Then all...

-Edit: needs comma after "nodded" and "tower"

"i think we all had something to do with arranging it."

-Edit: capitalize the "I"

"Duck" He said "Would you mind running to the market today? Uncle Ed says we need bread, eggs, milk and one big fish."

-Edit: needs comma after "Duck" a period after "said" maybe, or a comma.

I was just starting to come up with a plan for how I might communicate this when a bird flew out of nowhere and hit me in the face.

-D: It sounds a little ridiculous, I'm not sure if you're going for down right completely comical but wow, XD, that had me laughing. I've always wondered about the probability of a bird hitting someone's face. I guess this is a wonderful symbolic wake-up call, haha. Personally, I would have screamed my head off it fright.

"Remmy" A long fingered...

-Edit: needs comma after "Remmy"

"Oh" She looked at it...

-Edit: needs comma after "Oh"

"You can have it" She said carelessly...

-Edit: needs comma after "it" and uncapitalize "she"


-Great development in your characters and besides some edit errors with speaker tags I think the dialogue was believable and worked well. There was also a good sense of pace in this chapter and I don't feel like you rushed or were too slow. All in all strong and a nice solid ending.
2/10/2010 c18 noaccount
Wonderful story. I quite enjoyed it. Plenty of gore violence and general awesomeness. :) Lovely finish hope to see more from you. :D
2/10/2010 c17 noaccount
...wait. So Crane was the princess' true love. And while kissing her he stabbed her in the stomach? That's SO wrong... I guess the 'and the lived happily ever after' ending doesn't suit your tastes...
2/9/2010 c3 6Telephonic
I'm trying to catch up on your stories and I can't believe this one is already finished! yikes. It's a great story so far and it's more entertaining than ANY of the books I tried to start at Barnes and Noble today so obviously you need to get published (so get on that). This story has great characters and a deliciously dark tone. Like 82% dark chocolate.
2/7/2010 c18 4Aspiemor
Overall I as very pleased with this story. It was a nice dark twist. The whole princess being a monster was one of them. Congratulations as you took an overdone concept and made it your own. Most stories could base them entirely on fairy tales with no changes but you went 180 good for you! Yes the grammar had some issues. I also noticed you didn't space some areas well one I noticed near the beginning. So a rough draft eh? Does this mean you are going to post another version or do you have bigger plans? Either way I look forward to reading it. I wish you luck in the future.
2/7/2010 c17 Aspiemor
I'm a little disappointed its the end mainly because I enjoyed reading it well one more chapter to go. Trying to give an in depth review here but getting to the basics the plot and characterization was very good. The protagonist is the kind I am not used to. Ie having tons of bad luck yet managing to make it through. The only piece of criticism is capitalizing the start dialogue. That's really the only mistake I have noticed. I am one to talk on grammar mistakes however. Hope this was in depth. Last chapter ho!
2/7/2010 c5 11J. D. Bennett
I really don't have much more to say on this chapter than I think that it is really awesome and your ideas and talent are superb. I adore your characters more and more as I keep reading. Keep up the excellent work!
2/7/2010 c4 J. D. Bennett
I love the character of Crane. He has such a great voice, or lack of one.

I'm a little confused on the character of Justin/Hartford. In chapter 3 you called him Justin. In this chapter, you call him Hartford for a bit, then switch back to Justin.

"I was a roasted duck if I didn't get it back." hahaha I love this line, especially since he's called Duck.

The faerie tale element is excellent. Keep up the great work!
2/7/2010 c9 13Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu
Aw man, another cliffie? To be honest though I'm convinced that Justin has sustained a poisoned wound here. Which if it is true, will suck a lot for me since I've sort of like him as a moronic character. As for Hartford, it might seems that he's acting crazy all the time instead of being truly an absolute loony. Which led to the question as in why he wasn't taken care of by the witches given his own understanding of what might be going on here. I think you really need to do some explaining on this one here.

And I'm pretty surprised that three normal human beings can actually beat through a horde of mindless minions. Of course the minions being brainless might be a factor, but to me, it's not really the deciding one since I doubt Crane and Justin would have undergone formal combat training. Hartford's case might be wonkier though given the nature of his gun aim. Eh guess I'm thinking too much here, but in a very real sense this part really brings back the good old memories of side-scrollers beat 'em ups. Final Fight ftmfw. That is discounting the bs called the Streetwise episode. That one was an absolute crap and insult to the series gameplay wise albeit I admit the story's pretty good. Good enough for me to condemn Capcom as dickheads if they failed to include this into the canon. But then again, Capcom has been dickheads on different aspects of gameplay for quite sometime. Onimusha series has gone to hell thanks to them. Now I'm just waiting to see if they will fuck up the Devil May Cry series. If they do, then Capcom will be the greatest sinner in the gaming world.

Okay, enough about the ranting here. I truly wonder how the good witch will help our not-so-heroic trio next. But for now I need to get my anime fix sated. Left one more episode of Kara no Koyukai to watch and the shizzle was like two hours. :S

P.S; I think I've paid you back in full. Hope to see your reviews on The Eternal Grail in return. You might like the characters there more than Aeranath of A Ranger's Tale if my opinion of your character preference has a certain truth here. :)

- From The Roadhouse. :)
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