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for Life in the Pluperfect Tense

5/23/2010 c1 12lianoid
From WRR

I really like how you took your time revealing ‘Penny was dead’. I suspected Penny was no longer with the living, but it wasn’t until I read the line “Penny was dead” did it really hit me; I even shivered a little when I read it. You do an excellent job and subtly revealing information and emotions, and it’s such a wonderful skill to have so I applaud you for that.

As always I’m impressed with your writing. It is fluid and smooth and such a joy to read; even when the topic is depressing. I have nothing to complain about, only things to admire. Like the contrast you made between the weather being lively and her friend being dead. The description and tone was overwhelming. It feel so real and so close; I’m afraid I don’t know how else to describe it. I’m just really, really fond of it. All in all, this piece was wonderful. Definitely depressing and somewhat heart wrenching, but your talent for writing beautiful descriptions and inner emotions make it a pleasure to experience other people’s sadness.

“The sight wrenched at Alex's headert.”

-Is headert some new word you have created? A mix between heart and head; either way it’s rather clever.
5/17/2010 c1 3Melody-kun
Interesting take on suicide's effects on others! I was actually shocked to hear that Alex opened the diary: I expected her to do something cheesy, like not open it. Two things, I recommend starting off the story less blandly. Like with a question of some sorts. I also believed that you sounded repetitive at the part where Alex never asked, "Just in case" of what. I felt it was weird changing tenses. Good job!
12/8/2009 c1 4lookingwest
What an emotional rollercoaster! When you narrate "Penny was dead" it really comes across as final and I liked how Alex tried to not think about it and it finally came out. Wonderful how you explored the different ways to describe when someone has died and the addition of how hard it is to talk about it. Oh, and I loved how Penny came into the scene and I think it was a great decision not to put her words in italics or anything, it really forces the reader to live in the moment.

"A new book. A new start. Maybe things will get better. I know it’s silly to feel optimistic like this, but there’s something about a blank page that invites so much possibility. Here’s hoping." For some reason I really loved this line, and I liked how Alex flipped through the pages.

"Ten years of friendship, and Penny had never told her, not once spoken of the fears that had crushed her, the worries that had driven her so far beyond hope" I can feel Alex' pain her, having had a similar thing happen to me concerning one of my friends-it's a shock when you learn they suffered so much without you ever knowing-you grapple with "am I a bad friend for having never noticed?"

You ended it well, her words have a finality and emotional closure.
10/30/2009 c1 1The Five
Good job writing a sad story without unnecessary melodrama! There was great pacing here, and just the right mood. You capture emotions very well.
10/28/2009 c1 WutNow
Here from Roadhouse ^^

I absolutely adored the pacing of the story. There was enough information given about the setting/ environment- and I'm amazed at how well you established Alex's and Penny's character. I'm quite unsure if Penny committed suicide because of her note, but that might have just been me (maybe I missed something).

Though the story has little dialogue, it was okay- it wasn't needed. I liked how you truly captured her anguish and pain- a feelin of failure as a friend. The feeling of guilt, sadness, all that jazz. I really enjoyed reading this. Dish out the next chapter soon okay? ^^

-P.S- Please review CHAPTER THREE of Heart to Heart! Thanks!

10/28/2009 c1 6Classy Broad
Wow... What a story... I love it...

Two of my favorite lines:

"I can’t live with this constant sense that I’m failing myself and everybody else. I can’t live in a world that doesn’t make sense."

"I can’t do it any more. I feel like I’ve spent all my life expecting that this will pass, that everything will make sense in the end. But it doesn’t."

Wow... This thing really captures the despair some people feel...
10/27/2009 c1 7Zaarah
Really like your story :) I think it's amazing, your imagery is wonderful, it paints the picture in your head. You have a way with words and knack for expressing emotions. I liked the beginning of your story, the way you described the scarf and how the wine stain resembled a blood stain. Your story is a tearjerker. Your story flows well and it's an excellent one shot! Loved Penny's diary entries!

However, at certain points I feel like your story is very to-the-point and is very sorrowful, maybe you should have added a little more description in the first paragraph and given a clearer picture of your characters. Maybe it's that or it's something else which i'm missing out, but there's something amiss, a little extra which could've been there, you know?

"Had been. The oppressive pluperfect. Alex stared up at the ceiling. She had offered to help paint it, of course, in the age-old tradition of best friends everywhere, sure that the idea would come to nothing when a new project captured Penny’s attention. Guilt at her unfulfilled promise shot through Alex like a jolt of electricity."

That is my favorite paragraph! Really well written. Looking forward to reading more of your work on here, and good luck with that competition ;)
10/27/2009 c1 8Written
beautiful short story! i think the title is clever and sort of sad, and gives a good hint towards what the story is about. the story itself is written very well, some really lovely lines on grieving.

i loved the image of Pen in shorts and a t-shirt, opening a window. gorgeous piece.

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