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10/22/2012 c1 6Liets
Loved it. Absolutely speechless.
3/25/2011 c1 4Iva Hartnet

That was so dark. Very nice portrayal of his character. I liked that you wrote this in 1st person. It makes his thought processes so much clearer. Kinda terrifying really.

You flipped the tables right round. The story started off with him as the victim and then completely changed course! Loved that too :)

2 likes + why :)

Great work!
3/24/2011 c1 8Henry Palmetto
I think everyone has a bit of innate sadism in them, which is what makes this story so damned enjoyable. Naturally, everyone is thereby attracted to simply crazy characters doing simply crazy things, and we hunger for the violence with each passing sentence. You do a fine job in abstaining from indulging too readily your reader's perverse wants

However as it stands, the story is predictable, and will continue to be predictable unless rewritten. This is not necessarily a bad thing, and you can even use it to your advantage. For starters, do not deprive your reader his vicious wants; extend the killing, throw in a bit of torture, give Miss Anna Doyle the sobbing pleas for her life; let Mr Dean fiddle with her pleas for awhile; let your reader think for a fleeting second that perhaps her life will be spared; that the wonderful relationship will return and that her understanding husband will vouchsafe his wife in honour of true love; and once all of this has happened that's when you mash her to a pulp or beat her with a hammer or chop her with an axe (anything but the too-quick gunshot to the head).

You need to build a bit of empathy for Anna Doyle before you subjugate her to her cruel fate, however, and that is this story's major shortcoming. She is a cute memory and a nice face. There is no character to her, and therefore, no reader catharsis other than the strictly primeval when she dies. What would help is development; a show of time passing, more of Dean's memories and explicitly described events other than the ask-out and the breakup. Her stagnancy makes her just another face, like the kind of girl you'd see massacred in a slasher film.

As for Dean, he could use much of the same. His self-description, his smoking, his narration, all show him to be really nothing more than a pissed off ex-boyfriend lamenting lost love. For a man who kidnaps his ex girlfriend and beats and then murders her, Dean should be portrayed as much more sociopathic and much less pissed off. He says he was in love, but it is hardly shown. Give the love much more specific occurrence. Let the reader understand that he is a heavily safeguarded character, and then show him breaking down to the girl he loves. And after you've done this and more, you show his love being scorned and thrown back and mocked and trashed for what, at least he would consider, incredibly petty reasoning. That will at least heighten the drama of the breakup.

His narration, too, is rather problematic. It's done in first person, yet intimate details are described. Nein. When one narrates from his own point of view, one rarely explains the smoke traveling threw his body or says that he hears sounds or sees sights. The hearing and the seeing are implied and thereby a statement of the verbs is redundant.

Because I harbor extreme loathing for Stephanie Meyers, please do NOT say "madly and irrevocably in love with you." It has the sour distaste of crozzled pipe-tobacco and toothpaste.

Enjoyable for rather inhumane pleasures, but enjoyable nonetheless. The potential for further enjoyment is certainly there; provided more character and more death is given.

3/24/2011 c1 4slashedkaze
Wow, this really creeped me out. The part where he looks at himself in the mirror and then laughs at his reflection. I loved your describtion there, it drew me in and I wanted to know more about this insane person.

And even though I knew he was going to kill her towards the end, that didn't kill the tension. It was very well done. I especially love the last line. Really brings out the insanity of it all.

And I was sort of sad to see her killed, too. Because you made me like her first. The pick-up line scene made me smile.
3/24/2011 c1 3Kristin Li
[It's dark in here. The room is only illuminated by the lone bulb hanging in the far right corner. I lean out of my grimy dwelling's window observing the traffic below: rows of vehicles, intolerant people wanting to get somewhere, always in a hurry, never content with their lives, drunk teenagers riding backs, cussing at each other trying to prove who is faster than the other.] You do a good job establishing mood in the first paragraph.

[The sky is covered with clouds and it looks like a pleasant day. ] Seems almost contradictory

[This past month had progressed leisurely; I spent it mostly with you. We'd spend the days wandering the busy city streets: you'd tell me about your day and I'd listen intently, absorbing every word you said, savoring every moment spent in your company.] I also like how you experiment with viewpoint. I like yours narrator's voice-it seems earnest and realistic-I feel as though I'm actually listening to someone talk when he speaks.

["Here's how it would go if it was your line: you'd try and make small talk about the weather, the latest hits on the radio and the poor service at the bar and after a lot of pause and deliberation you would've finally mustered up the courage to ask me out. But, Dean, I only have 5 minutes and I couldn't have waited that long and honestly I do want to see you again sometime soon. And that is why it's my line." ] Wait what?

Hmm...overall. This story was interesting. While reading most stories on FP, I constantly find myself looking at the sidebar, thinking "How much more of this shit do I have to read?" This was hardly the case with your story. I was mostly hooked from the beginning to the end.

[You looked beautiful even as a corpse.] I love this last line. I love how you switch from happy to sad. The imagery was good. I do think that you jump around quite a bit-but for this story, it works. You do an excellent job keeping your reader interested. The only bad thing I noticed about this story, was that it was slightly cliche in content. The story reminded me of the song "Spacebound" by Eminem (SP?).
10/27/2009 c1 7Kit-Kat Punk-lover
From The Review Game~

Structure: It's very hard to read because the paragraphs are so chuncky and thick. Maybe you could break them up here and there to ease the strain on the reader's eyes.

Beginning: You immedatly pulled me in with the creative style. It sets the bad mood of the smoker.

Writing Style: Though the block paragraphs seemed to imminatating, your writing is actually pretty easy to read and flows well. You keep a steady pace through out the story and your descriptions are nice.

Ending: I rather liked the ending. It's a little shocking to say the least but definetly thrilling and kept my attention :).

Overall: A very thrilling peice :)
10/27/2009 c1 60FelleLLoyd
Well, personally I feel this story is quite brutal, & probably depressing. The way you describe his surrounding makes him seem negative & such, despite it being a pleasant day.

I also felt that there were too many flashbacks, & perhaps you should try intergrating the element of surprise? You're description & punctuation is good though. This is only my opinion so no worries! I hope I helped.

(I read your advertisement from Sakka-Fenikkusu's forum.)

Happy fun-writing!
10/27/2009 c1 1Sweet Irony
Ok so you wrote everything very well and i do like it, but im just alittle confused why when she's thinking shes talking to him? Oh and dean has some real issues.
10/26/2009 c1 8Written
it's almost surprising how verbose you are here, considering your review to me earlier ;) well, this review is NOT for the review game.

The beginning is interesting, artistic almost? I'm not sure if it's intentional but the "pleasant" day seems unpleasant somehow, so I think the narrator is in a bad mood. also, apparently, a smoker.

it doesn't really have a HOOK, but it's easy to read, so that's nice.

If I were you, I'd cut some of these long paragraphs in half, though. They look intimidating in size, because reading on the screen can be a little tough. It's rich coming from me, but it's sound advice.

I like the "memory" scene where the narrator recalls the first meeting. I hadn't realized, for whatever reason, that the narrator was a man until this portion. Not sure why, since smoking or whatever isn't exactly girly. Whatever.

(It was that instant; that I was certain I was falling madly and irrevocably in love with you.)

I really like this line, but just to nitpick, it would flow better if you either took out the semicolon or the "that" that follows the semicolon.

I'm just reviewing as I read, but the word "stench" means body to me. and then this: "I still hear the jangling of chains, muffled screams and cries of agony." oh dear! and you mention blood too, so I'm going to assume the worst right now. too many crime shows, obviously haha.

okay, so I'm assuming things went badly in their relationship and he's got her locked up... or something. wow.

And now we see drugs, temptation, and comparing the lover to cigarettes. Interesting. And the long paragraphs go by really easy, really nice to read to be honest, now that I'm actually reading them.

I'd separate out the lines of dialog though. like when the narrator is actually saying something it should have a line break between that and when someone else is speaking, just to make it easier to follow, you know?

whoa, the end was really thrilling, and just... wow, when he kills her and everything just spirals out of control. it's a good ending, but i was surprised by the part about him in the mental institution. I guess it's good to see him getting his just deserts, but it seems to break the tone of the rest of the story.

in any case, great story. sorry for this long-ass review; i've had too much caffeine today.

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