for You Belong With Me11/1/2009 c2 J
Update soon
Update soon
11/1/2009 c1 Tory
I cant be bothered to login, but this is great. Keep going
I cant be bothered to login, but this is great. Keep going
10/29/2009 c2 autumnx
lol yeah, theres always those pretty popular girls in every school that often gets the guys D:
lol yeah, theres always those pretty popular girls in every school that often gets the guys D:
10/27/2009 c1 Sam
I love You belong with me! (the song )
I like this 2. and i like where its going
please continue
I love You belong with me! (the song )
I like this 2. and i like where its going
please continue
10/27/2009 c1 
4Eclipsia Soulbird
Careful with too much description. We have the entire story to learn about the characters. You can just call him "Jack Daniels" and later on have one of his parents say "Jackson!" and we the readers will be pleasantly surprised, like, "Oh, so Jack is short for Jackson and he's not just named after the whiskey."
Same with Ivy.
This isn't a flame. This story shows so much promise that I don't want it to slip through the cracks of FictionPress just because of too much description. I love the Taylor Swift song and I love where I think this story is going.
Just a note: You mention Ivy's "gold-brown hair" twice. We only need to know it once now and maybe once more in chapter 9, if the story has that many chapters.
And I don't know if you realized you were doing this, but the start of almost every other paragraph is either "Jack" or "Ivy." Since we've already established their names are Jack and Ivy, you can start using pronouns more.
Example:
He rolled his eyes. "Yes." Jack flashes her the message and then flips the page to write a slightly longer note. "We could just open the windows to talk..."
Laughing, Ivy holds up her message. "This is more fun!"
-
I might edit out some description, especially between dialog, and add another scene to this chapter in order to make it longer. Think of your favorite stories. How much description is there between the characters chatting with one another? The answer is hopefully "Not much" because too much description draws away from what the characters are saying, which is usually more important than the descriptions because reading their interactions is what really creates that necessary connection between the characters and your reader.
Other than that, good start. If you're serious about this story I would suggest a beta who will spot these mistakes and let you know about them before some English major a-hole (like me) comes around with a lengthy critique-ridden review. lol
4Eclipsia SoulbirdCareful with too much description. We have the entire story to learn about the characters. You can just call him "Jack Daniels" and later on have one of his parents say "Jackson!" and we the readers will be pleasantly surprised, like, "Oh, so Jack is short for Jackson and he's not just named after the whiskey."
Same with Ivy.
This isn't a flame. This story shows so much promise that I don't want it to slip through the cracks of FictionPress just because of too much description. I love the Taylor Swift song and I love where I think this story is going.
Just a note: You mention Ivy's "gold-brown hair" twice. We only need to know it once now and maybe once more in chapter 9, if the story has that many chapters.
And I don't know if you realized you were doing this, but the start of almost every other paragraph is either "Jack" or "Ivy." Since we've already established their names are Jack and Ivy, you can start using pronouns more.
Example:
He rolled his eyes. "Yes." Jack flashes her the message and then flips the page to write a slightly longer note. "We could just open the windows to talk..."
Laughing, Ivy holds up her message. "This is more fun!"
-
I might edit out some description, especially between dialog, and add another scene to this chapter in order to make it longer. Think of your favorite stories. How much description is there between the characters chatting with one another? The answer is hopefully "Not much" because too much description draws away from what the characters are saying, which is usually more important than the descriptions because reading their interactions is what really creates that necessary connection between the characters and your reader.
Other than that, good start. If you're serious about this story I would suggest a beta who will spot these mistakes and let you know about them before some English major a-hole (like me) comes around with a lengthy critique-ridden review. lol
10/27/2009 c1 3Cinnia Aine
I think it's a cute idea to make a story based off of that song. I would cut out the first person narration, though. It confused me when I read that part because I wasn't sure if it was Ivy speaking or you. The story is fine right now - it has potential. (Just don't burn up that potential by making this into a really cheesy songfic, ok?) :) Good luck with the story!
3Cinnia AineI think it's a cute idea to make a story based off of that song. I would cut out the first person narration, though. It confused me when I read that part because I wasn't sure if it was Ivy speaking or you. The story is fine right now - it has potential. (Just don't burn up that potential by making this into a really cheesy songfic, ok?) :) Good luck with the story!