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7/22/2010 c5 1xenolith
Sarah! Another person! Wow.

'"What for?", Jason asked' - typo with the comma there?

'Jason had now begun the scowl, but Leon remained unfazed' - is that suposed to be 'the scowl'? Because if it is, I like it that way but it should be 'The Scowl' or something like that. If not, then 'to scowl' would be more appropriate.

With these different perspectives, unless you're going to keep adding them or switching between the two I'm not sure if I like it that much. As a reader, with a story like this I'd rather have one or two character POV's and Leon, or just Leon, you know? Just saying, anyways.

Oh no I've run out of story. Putting this on alert!
7/22/2010 c4 xenolith
Oh, Jason. Hello.

'And it scares me that I get it, because it means that I could go bonkers too' - okay, I like this guy already.

From those first two paragraphs I think you used the short sentences too much. Try mixing them up with longer ones in stints like that, because even if they are effective they get obvious, which is against the point.

'Fire you moron and aim high' - nice use of italics and thought.

'She leaned back and burst out laughing before quickly trying to recover her composure. She once again covered her smile with one hand but her eyes now twinkled with amusement' - hmm, these lines seem awkward to me. I think they could be rearranged somehow, break the first one up and switch the again around in the second.

Loved the ending of the first part there, and hell while we're at it I liked the second part too.
7/22/2010 c3 xenolith
Good call on the extended summary at the start of chapter one. Not only did that clear up some residual confusion for me, but it made me excited as hell. It's a great idea. And knowing all that, I enjoyed this chapter a whole lot. Ah, the 'blood-red lady' preoccupation was fantastic, nice snappy way to end. I also liked how he talks to the dead woman. Personality. I'm getting more and more used to the style you use for Leon's view of the scene, world, whichever. It's really starting to grow on me, actually.
7/16/2010 c2 xenolith
Mixed thoughts about this chapter. I read the whole thing through without stopping to comment on certain parts, because I didn't really find anything particular to comment on. It all seemed very good, but I'm still struggling to keep reading. It might just be me. I'm still confused, whereas someone else could understand better than I can, y'know?

There were parts that I really, really liked. It's the style, I think, casual and detached and observant. Reading back over this I can see the things I didn't notice before, the things that confused me. He (or she?) is looking at the human world from a different perspective? That is quite lovely, but it's still difficult to read. I'd like more, more thought, some familiarity, or a hint of an explanation/backstory. I see this is under 'mystery' so maybe I'm asking for too much! Truth be told, I'm terrible with these kinds of things. I need information ;)

But the more I look at this the more I like it. Gosh, I'm sorry this review wasn't very helpful!
7/15/2010 c1 xenolith
Hello, here from The Globe :D

I liked how this started out because it was very different, unconventional, I dare say. It had me hooked because of that, and when you finally bring in the 'Sometimes I feel like I'm in control but control is just an illusion' it's almost satisfying to have a lead as to where this is going, even if it is just a narrative, or a person to hold on to and focus on.

That said, it could do with a few improvements. The bats and particles sentence doesn't really merge with the gift part, and reading back over it I am a little confused. Maybe this paragraph could be broken up for better effect?

Also, 'Flowers that only sing at night. These are the gifts that surround us but are lost as we fly into the night' - this may be just a personal peeve, but ending with the same word two sentences in a row is really distracting, and obvious. I noticed you used 'light' and 'night' a lot in this paragraph, so unless it's intentional and you're playing on the words I'd suggest rethinking these word choices.

'I understand nothing except a present hunger and chaos' - thought that was wonderful.

'We streak across blades of grass and leaflets of leaves because the night desires a terror and we fulfilled the call' - answer, instead of fulfilled maybe? It just doesn't sound right to me.

'This is the world that we zip across none the wiser as time flies alongside' - wow, that's a really interesting concept. I like it.

'The flowers have stopped singing and the world waits as my heart beats in this furry chest of mine' - sounds awkward, my suggestion is to break the sentence up. I don't know, but 'furry chest of mine' seems like too much detail all of a sudden, so much so that I'm really confused instead of just passively bewildered. Er, that didn't make sense. Ah well. Scratch that. Bats. Upside down, wings, furry part. Sure. Sorted now.

'sheets of fog' - interesting, that. Really made me think.

'I took a look at myself and all listed items are covered in dust' - scratch the listed, perhaps. Just sounds wrong, imho.

'A clock beats in my chest but it is muffled by the gray dust' - Excellent! :D :D :D

Well, the ending did clear a lot of this up. Very clever, I thought, with the mention of the 'in-between', and ghosts, and cats. The whole thing was very imaginative and descriptive, so it has the potential to be really gripping. But in my opinion it's lacking familiarity. How can I explain. There's nothing there for the reader to attach on to, just a lot of sensation and thoughts and colors and pictures, and then a vauge outline of clothes and place. I still don't know who the character is. I'm not involved. I had nothing to attach to and that made it a little hard to read and enjoy. I don't know why the first part is even there, or what it has to do with the second half. I think as a first chapter you need something to hook the reader, and I suggest some more character development here since it's already rather fantastical. I hope this doesn't come off as too nitpicky and harsh, because just from the first chapter alone I think this has a lof of potential! I'll be reading on for sure :)

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