Just In
Community
Forum
V
More
for Not Another Tragedy

11/10/2009 c1 19bleedingvalentine
okay, first off, I hope that you don't mind honesty. I'm really not trying to be mean, but am giving you honest, whole-hearted advice, okay? Okay! Let's get started then:

Well, the reason why I read this was bc it did strike a cord since I'm writing a non cliche story called "Bittersweet Lullabies".. though it is a love story at the end of the day... anyway, the familarity made me click on this.

1.) I think that you should've REALLY dragged out the cliche commericial in the first paragraph. Every detail from her being a rosy-cheeked blonde, to him being some well built stud that had perfection practically chiselled in the lines that made out his face. The box wrapped in delight from childhood dreams of this surprising moment that was oozing from her eyes. You know? Personally, I would've DREW it out totally. Exaggerate it even because we're not getting the full feel of why that amazing "fake" moment was so wonderful to begin with.

2.) I don't think anyone compares walls to glass. I understand that you wanted to have one and them have it be explained as something even stronger, but I dunno... maybe relating it to metal would be better. Like steel or something? I'm not sure which is stronger. Ew! or instead of glass, you could make it ice bc at the very least ice would be harder to break and it's more relatable, people can make that connection. Personally (again this is just my opinion) but I'd say "encased" rather than "walls". More of a surround from every angle, instead of being blocked off from one side.

3.) Just beef it up and let me feel how trully lonely he is. Let me ache for him. Paint pictures in my head of all those connections when he'd feel nearly whole, almost grasping it, but finds it to be just out of reach and always short-lived.

I love feeling for characters, this has a very good bone structure so-to-speak, it just needs more muscle. you know?

hope that helps and I DO think you should continue. Please don't think I'm being mean! Everyone always thinks that ::sigh:: Anyways, just advice that you can take or leave. It is your story after all :)

Twitter . Help . Sign Up . Cookies . Privacy . Terms of Service