for I Never Said I Was Brave1/13/2013 c2 
2Redz
Nice story, I'm hooked. It's a bit confusing with the witches, vampires, humans, shapeshifters and the magic and all that but then again most good beginnings are confusing.
"The young woman was drug around the corner" - I think you meant 'dragged.'
I didn't get Nikolai's character very well - like, is he accepting his death just like that? It just doesn't make sense to me that he would keep the vampire captive knowing that he could break out any second and kill him if he wanted to. I'm guessing it'll be explained later on, cause if it isn't I'm gonna stay puzzled.
Anyway, great work. I really like your writing style, and I enjoyed reading so far. Keep it up! :)
2RedzNice story, I'm hooked. It's a bit confusing with the witches, vampires, humans, shapeshifters and the magic and all that but then again most good beginnings are confusing.
"The young woman was drug around the corner" - I think you meant 'dragged.'
I didn't get Nikolai's character very well - like, is he accepting his death just like that? It just doesn't make sense to me that he would keep the vampire captive knowing that he could break out any second and kill him if he wanted to. I'm guessing it'll be explained later on, cause if it isn't I'm gonna stay puzzled.
Anyway, great work. I really like your writing style, and I enjoyed reading so far. Keep it up! :)
1/13/2013 c8 44professional griefer
Okay, well, the first thing I noticed that I didn't like was that in the first sentence, you use he instead of a name. Considering that it's been a long time since I read the last chapter, and even if it hadn't, I think you should have used a name. Just so it wouldn't get too confusing.
I really, really love your world. The way you inject these odd differences from our world throughout the narration is awesome. And you never make it seem like an infodump. I loved when you were talking about why witches use swords and that only humans used guns.
I actually am not a huge fan of the dialogue, though. I understand that it's a different world, and maybe the speech styles would be different, but it just feels a bit too stiff. And you also broke the more formal dialogue once or twice, and that was a bit confusing. I just think it should flow a bit more. You manage it with LB.
Anyway, I had forgotten how much I love this story.
44professional grieferOkay, well, the first thing I noticed that I didn't like was that in the first sentence, you use he instead of a name. Considering that it's been a long time since I read the last chapter, and even if it hadn't, I think you should have used a name. Just so it wouldn't get too confusing.
I really, really love your world. The way you inject these odd differences from our world throughout the narration is awesome. And you never make it seem like an infodump. I loved when you were talking about why witches use swords and that only humans used guns.
I actually am not a huge fan of the dialogue, though. I understand that it's a different world, and maybe the speech styles would be different, but it just feels a bit too stiff. And you also broke the more formal dialogue once or twice, and that was a bit confusing. I just think it should flow a bit more. You manage it with LB.
Anyway, I had forgotten how much I love this story.
12/28/2012 c27 Viera Wing
I think you have a very good system here, on a side note. After months, reminders are very helpful.
Back to the story, I still like the way you mix the past/present/fantasy-like setting, which I think is quite uniquely interesting. As far as I can remember too, this felt easier to read. Going back, I realised it's the lesser use of "-". Haha...
Anyway, seems like it's been months since you updated too. Hope it's not the end.
I think you have a very good system here, on a side note. After months, reminders are very helpful.
Back to the story, I still like the way you mix the past/present/fantasy-like setting, which I think is quite uniquely interesting. As far as I can remember too, this felt easier to read. Going back, I realised it's the lesser use of "-". Haha...
Anyway, seems like it's been months since you updated too. Hope it's not the end.
10/26/2012 c27 Anonymous
This is a fascinating story. Thank you for writing it.
This is a fascinating story. Thank you for writing it.
8/10/2012 c1 19Black3Hunter
Just started reading this. I really like the flow. Its not choppy, and it doesnt skip around. Very good. I enjoyed it.
19Black3HunterJust started reading this. I really like the flow. Its not choppy, and it doesnt skip around. Very good. I enjoyed it.
7/19/2012 c27 63RedactedNoLongerWriting
Return Number One
I read this when you first posted it but never reviewed 'cause I'm weird or something. Maybe now you'll update. Hinthint. Hint. Hint.
Anyway.
I was a little confused when the witches attacked. When Charlotte snaps out of the dream for that brief moment before she sees the sword-guitar, it seemed like maybe the witches did something to take Jude's magic away from her/him, but a couple sentences later she is in control. So why does the vision/rush slip for that moment but remain wavering for a little bit after that? I didn't get that.
There's something really enchanting about the descriptions in this chapter. I don't know how to explain it because it's not the things you describe, per se, but the hyperawareness implied in her narration. It got me picturing the forest and the blood and everything so much more vividly than usual. That was really cool to me. I think you pulled off that sense of adrenaline twisted reality really well.
I didn't notice any typos or anything like that. There were a couple run-ons but they seemed pretty deliberate so I didn't comment. I dunno what more to say; I think waiting so long to review this after the first read kinda made me forget some of the things I might have said when it was fresh. :/ I hope you write more soon. This is my second-favorite of your stories behind Deck and since that's on hiatus I'm just gonna keep bugging you until you update. So you should get on that. FYI. :)
63RedactedNoLongerWritingReturn Number One
I read this when you first posted it but never reviewed 'cause I'm weird or something. Maybe now you'll update. Hinthint. Hint. Hint.
Anyway.
I was a little confused when the witches attacked. When Charlotte snaps out of the dream for that brief moment before she sees the sword-guitar, it seemed like maybe the witches did something to take Jude's magic away from her/him, but a couple sentences later she is in control. So why does the vision/rush slip for that moment but remain wavering for a little bit after that? I didn't get that.
There's something really enchanting about the descriptions in this chapter. I don't know how to explain it because it's not the things you describe, per se, but the hyperawareness implied in her narration. It got me picturing the forest and the blood and everything so much more vividly than usual. That was really cool to me. I think you pulled off that sense of adrenaline twisted reality really well.
I didn't notice any typos or anything like that. There were a couple run-ons but they seemed pretty deliberate so I didn't comment. I dunno what more to say; I think waiting so long to review this after the first read kinda made me forget some of the things I might have said when it was fresh. :/ I hope you write more soon. This is my second-favorite of your stories behind Deck and since that's on hiatus I'm just gonna keep bugging you until you update. So you should get on that. FYI. :)
6/18/2012 c6 76The Autumn Queen
Here's your rule 10 review:
Just reading as I go along.
[Insanity edged in me, it tempted, it taunted.] - I read your disclaimer, but I'd say punctuation is separate from grammer, so as long as the pauses don't vary too much, I think it reads better as "Insanity edged in me; it tempted, it taunted." Personally, I think it goes best with fullstops in all three places, but that changes the pauses. It does seem you have too many commas floating around in here. I feel like you're trying to get a "straight into the heart" sort of rhythm, and I feel the fullstops would work better than commas in most instincts.
I love her dialogue though. And her monologue. There's something very attractive to it. Something that actually conveys that rage quite well. Best I've seen so far anyway. And that laughter, and the POV around the middle makes her sound almost deranged. And at "once upon a time" showing up in the middle was great too.
I felt the transition came a little too quickly. [for one whole year i was small] - seriously? One whole year? It felt more like days, period. I'd think the adapting back into magic would take a little more. Like how people throw up after eating solids if they haven't for awhile.
76The Autumn QueenHere's your rule 10 review:
Just reading as I go along.
[Insanity edged in me, it tempted, it taunted.] - I read your disclaimer, but I'd say punctuation is separate from grammer, so as long as the pauses don't vary too much, I think it reads better as "Insanity edged in me; it tempted, it taunted." Personally, I think it goes best with fullstops in all three places, but that changes the pauses. It does seem you have too many commas floating around in here. I feel like you're trying to get a "straight into the heart" sort of rhythm, and I feel the fullstops would work better than commas in most instincts.
I love her dialogue though. And her monologue. There's something very attractive to it. Something that actually conveys that rage quite well. Best I've seen so far anyway. And that laughter, and the POV around the middle makes her sound almost deranged. And at "once upon a time" showing up in the middle was great too.
I felt the transition came a little too quickly. [for one whole year i was small] - seriously? One whole year? It felt more like days, period. I'd think the adapting back into magic would take a little more. Like how people throw up after eating solids if they haven't for awhile.
6/16/2012 c7 44professional griefer
Have a duty-free review:)
This chapter held my attention more than the previous ones, it just felt a lot easier to follow.
Dialogue's great, though I felt like there were commas missing...I'm over-excessive with commas, tough, so maybe that's just me.
I love the magical elements of this story, though I do think they could really use some more explanation. The language you use is kinda fun to try and pronounce, though I have no idea how one would actually go about that...but I digress.
The action was great again, very descriptive and certainly easier to follow than the last few chapters.
I like the characters, they're all really unique.
You do a great job of setting up the world, I just wish you would explain it a bit more.
Nice work, though, I really like the flow of this story.
44professional grieferHave a duty-free review:)
This chapter held my attention more than the previous ones, it just felt a lot easier to follow.
Dialogue's great, though I felt like there were commas missing...I'm over-excessive with commas, tough, so maybe that's just me.
I love the magical elements of this story, though I do think they could really use some more explanation. The language you use is kinda fun to try and pronounce, though I have no idea how one would actually go about that...but I digress.
The action was great again, very descriptive and certainly easier to follow than the last few chapters.
I like the characters, they're all really unique.
You do a great job of setting up the world, I just wish you would explain it a bit more.
Nice work, though, I really like the flow of this story.
5/30/2012 c6 professional griefer
Ah...I love that line...you always have good chapter titles.
Anyways, I really love your experimental chapters. They're so poetic. The plot's slightly confusing, and again you have a slight lack of explanation.
But I do really love the poetic quality of this story.
Really awesome. (sorry about the short review...mind isn't cooperating)
Ah...I love that line...you always have good chapter titles.
Anyways, I really love your experimental chapters. They're so poetic. The plot's slightly confusing, and again you have a slight lack of explanation.
But I do really love the poetic quality of this story.
Really awesome. (sorry about the short review...mind isn't cooperating)
5/29/2012 c5 professional griefer
Shorter chapter! good.
I like how he's telepathic, but other than that, he and your other POV characters are fairly similar.
Again, love the world, explanation could use some work.
I love the last line. There's something very poetic about it...
'There was an art to losing your mind.'
I like that A LOT. This whole chapter is actually kind of poetic.
Liked it, as usual:)
Shorter chapter! good.
I like how he's telepathic, but other than that, he and your other POV characters are fairly similar.
Again, love the world, explanation could use some work.
I love the last line. There's something very poetic about it...
'There was an art to losing your mind.'
I like that A LOT. This whole chapter is actually kind of poetic.
Liked it, as usual:)
5/29/2012 c4 professional griefer
THE CLASH! WOO!
anyways...to the chapter
I think this may be my favorite chapter. I like the narrative, how it's a bit unclear in a good way.
Now it's starting to become a bit more like LB in the way of not explaining. Also, Charlotte still seems a bit like a guy.
Nice chapter, though
THE CLASH! WOO!
anyways...to the chapter
I think this may be my favorite chapter. I like the narrative, how it's a bit unclear in a good way.
Now it's starting to become a bit more like LB in the way of not explaining. Also, Charlotte still seems a bit like a guy.
Nice chapter, though
5/29/2012 c3 professional griefer
Good, but one thing that bugged me is that your narrative voice for Achitophel is more feminine than your narrative voice for Charlotte.
Other than that, another really good chapter. You describe people really well. And I like how they're both artists.
Again, you write beautifully:)
Good, but one thing that bugged me is that your narrative voice for Achitophel is more feminine than your narrative voice for Charlotte.
Other than that, another really good chapter. You describe people really well. And I like how they're both artists.
Again, you write beautifully:)
5/29/2012 c2 professional griefer
Another good chapter. I love that you came up with a way to say 'fuck you' in her language. Very cool:) I'm gonna start using that...
Anyways, the problem I had with this chapter was that the action wasn't really very intense. I mean, the actions were, but the emotion wasn't.
Other than that, the world is coming to life a bit more. You just don't go into the characters very much. Maybe I missed something, but I don't even know what gender your protagonist is.
Aside from those things, pretty damn good:)
Another good chapter. I love that you came up with a way to say 'fuck you' in her language. Very cool:) I'm gonna start using that...
Anyways, the problem I had with this chapter was that the action wasn't really very intense. I mean, the actions were, but the emotion wasn't.
Other than that, the world is coming to life a bit more. You just don't go into the characters very much. Maybe I missed something, but I don't even know what gender your protagonist is.
Aside from those things, pretty damn good:)
5/29/2012 c1 professional griefer
Well this is REALLY cool.
I like how you set up the world without going into too much explanation. What you do in this chapter is what you should have done for LB in my opinion. I like how the main character's a poet, too.
Again, your writing style is impeccable. This could be really interesting.
Nice work.
Well this is REALLY cool.
I like how you set up the world without going into too much explanation. What you do in this chapter is what you should have done for LB in my opinion. I like how the main character's a poet, too.
Again, your writing style is impeccable. This could be really interesting.
Nice work.
5/28/2012 c5 1Animel
This is my favorite perspective so far. It was quite unexpected and a whole new layer to the throwing together of unlikely characters. Those who would be likely to be friends turn out enemies and visa-versa, which is such a deliciously twisted fate.
It's hard to establish loyalties as a reader since I find myself hoping for the best for all of the characters who've had a POV and yet they hate one another and probably would all wish for rather different outcomes. It's an interesting place to be in.
This is definitely a very rich and complex story, which is wonderful, but this chapter was quite convoluted and difficult to keep track of at time. I find that often the story I've set up in my head is so clear to me that it can be hard to see it from an outside perspective and realize that your audience is getting this information for the first time. So it wouldn't hurt to try to be clearer with set-up, background, setting, etc. You don't have to spoon-feed it, the subtlety is great, but it could use a little work to be made clearer.
I'll definitely keep reading, hope the reviews have been helpful or at least enjoyable and keep on writing you have real talent!
1AnimelThis is my favorite perspective so far. It was quite unexpected and a whole new layer to the throwing together of unlikely characters. Those who would be likely to be friends turn out enemies and visa-versa, which is such a deliciously twisted fate.
It's hard to establish loyalties as a reader since I find myself hoping for the best for all of the characters who've had a POV and yet they hate one another and probably would all wish for rather different outcomes. It's an interesting place to be in.
This is definitely a very rich and complex story, which is wonderful, but this chapter was quite convoluted and difficult to keep track of at time. I find that often the story I've set up in my head is so clear to me that it can be hard to see it from an outside perspective and realize that your audience is getting this information for the first time. So it wouldn't hurt to try to be clearer with set-up, background, setting, etc. You don't have to spoon-feed it, the subtlety is great, but it could use a little work to be made clearer.
I'll definitely keep reading, hope the reviews have been helpful or at least enjoyable and keep on writing you have real talent!