for I Never Said I Was Brave11/12/2009 c2 
1xenolith
What a fantasmical chapter! The twists, the scariness, I was on the end of my freakin seat! Oh I love the ending, and I love how the narrator was shit scared and the development with the girl and everything. Action packed! I loved the dialogue, and the descriptions. Wonderful, looking forward to more :)
1xenolithWhat a fantasmical chapter! The twists, the scariness, I was on the end of my freakin seat! Oh I love the ending, and I love how the narrator was shit scared and the development with the girl and everything. Action packed! I loved the dialogue, and the descriptions. Wonderful, looking forward to more :)
11/12/2009 c1 xenolith
I liked this very much! I think the idea is original, and you didn't introduce it too heavily which makes for great reading. I liked the line, after that snappy beginning, 'I once was the poet lauerate of my people,' to me it felt like a voice over after the title sequence of a movie! I also liked how the character is a deserter, interesting twist, I wasn't expecting that at all. There were a couple things that could have been tweaked for better effect, imho, example: 'I clumsily stumbled back when I saw its bright eyes peeking from its black blanket.' and maybe a couple sentences where you could have whacked a fullstop down instead of a comma, but those are minor details. I enjoyed this, well done!
I liked this very much! I think the idea is original, and you didn't introduce it too heavily which makes for great reading. I liked the line, after that snappy beginning, 'I once was the poet lauerate of my people,' to me it felt like a voice over after the title sequence of a movie! I also liked how the character is a deserter, interesting twist, I wasn't expecting that at all. There were a couple things that could have been tweaked for better effect, imho, example: 'I clumsily stumbled back when I saw its bright eyes peeking from its black blanket.' and maybe a couple sentences where you could have whacked a fullstop down instead of a comma, but those are minor details. I enjoyed this, well done!
11/12/2009 c1 24Elennar
Opening:
Well, the opening lacked a hook to be honest. The way the protagonist says, "They searched me first" seems very sterile to me- it would be characteristic of someone who's used to it, your shifter isn't. He's used to hardships, yes, but not actual war zones. Or at least, being captured by the enemy.
Character:
Well, now I'm a little on the fence with the narrator. On one hand, and I'm not going to mice words here- he is very definitely a coward. But on the other, he also states his cowardice very flippantly. IMO, a person who is a coward and an escapist, does not come out and say he's a coward, especially to himself- it takes a lot of strength to do that. What he might do is blame external circumstances, and cook up excuses, no matter how flimsy.But then, it's really difficult to say, as it's only been one chapter, and I haven't been familiarized with him and the intricacies of his psyche.
Plot:
Extremely original plot! This is the first piece I'm reading where there's a human-shifter-witch war going on. It's very nicely done!
Writing:
What I like best about your writing is the fact that it's very concise. I can 'see' the scene happening inside my head as I read it, and I think that's very important. The detail about how shifters recognize witches with the eyes is very nicely done. And for a moment, there, I could imagine the claustrophobia a bound shifter would feel.
24ElennarOpening:
Well, the opening lacked a hook to be honest. The way the protagonist says, "They searched me first" seems very sterile to me- it would be characteristic of someone who's used to it, your shifter isn't. He's used to hardships, yes, but not actual war zones. Or at least, being captured by the enemy.
Character:
Well, now I'm a little on the fence with the narrator. On one hand, and I'm not going to mice words here- he is very definitely a coward. But on the other, he also states his cowardice very flippantly. IMO, a person who is a coward and an escapist, does not come out and say he's a coward, especially to himself- it takes a lot of strength to do that. What he might do is blame external circumstances, and cook up excuses, no matter how flimsy.But then, it's really difficult to say, as it's only been one chapter, and I haven't been familiarized with him and the intricacies of his psyche.
Plot:
Extremely original plot! This is the first piece I'm reading where there's a human-shifter-witch war going on. It's very nicely done!
Writing:
What I like best about your writing is the fact that it's very concise. I can 'see' the scene happening inside my head as I read it, and I think that's very important. The detail about how shifters recognize witches with the eyes is very nicely done. And for a moment, there, I could imagine the claustrophobia a bound shifter would feel.
11/11/2009 c1 17Eponine254
This is very good. I found the captive with very eerie - especially with the fact that he kept moving closer. Very chilling. There were a few times when I thought "humanoid" might have been better suited than "human" - for example, in "All shapeshifters were born human". As I understood it from the piece, shapeshifters are a different species from humans, so they would be human-shaped, not actually human? There were also a few errors in the poem (e.g. "thou wouldST", and "-eth" is the third-person singular ending, I think), but I don't know whether those were deliberate or not.
I think you captured a sense of entrapment very well here, and you conveyed a lot about the setting in a very short time, without giving unnecessary info. Well done!
17Eponine254This is very good. I found the captive with very eerie - especially with the fact that he kept moving closer. Very chilling. There were a few times when I thought "humanoid" might have been better suited than "human" - for example, in "All shapeshifters were born human". As I understood it from the piece, shapeshifters are a different species from humans, so they would be human-shaped, not actually human? There were also a few errors in the poem (e.g. "thou wouldST", and "-eth" is the third-person singular ending, I think), but I don't know whether those were deliberate or not.
I think you captured a sense of entrapment very well here, and you conveyed a lot about the setting in a very short time, without giving unnecessary info. Well done!
11/11/2009 c1 14improvisationallychallenged
For the RG:
This works really well as a story opening. I instantly want to know more, like why are the witches so, so scary? The one in the prison cell sounds like a creature from a nightmare - just the image you drew of this malevolent dark shape moving closer and closer...it's actually creeping me out a little just to think about it.
I like your narrating character. He comes across as instantly three dimensional, and even though his introduction to himself and his history is basically a list of his flaws and mistakes, I couldn't help but like him, although I wouldn't go as far to say I felt sorry for him.
I look forward to finding out what happens next.
14improvisationallychallengedFor the RG:
This works really well as a story opening. I instantly want to know more, like why are the witches so, so scary? The one in the prison cell sounds like a creature from a nightmare - just the image you drew of this malevolent dark shape moving closer and closer...it's actually creeping me out a little just to think about it.
I like your narrating character. He comes across as instantly three dimensional, and even though his introduction to himself and his history is basically a list of his flaws and mistakes, I couldn't help but like him, although I wouldn't go as far to say I felt sorry for him.
I look forward to finding out what happens next.
11/11/2009 c1 30sophiesix
Awesome opening. you totally had me hooked in your first lines. I especially liked the witch in the military coat, with his blend of oh-so-bored and menace. also the way teh MC is totally ruthless as a killer with words, but a teensy bit different when it comes to real thing. The shapeshifter language was another interesting element, is it totally made up or based on something? you made the present actions compelling and the back story moved along at a fast pace, always intriguing - love how he justifies his absence from society and then realise his plan is a tad flawed XD
The narrator is a writer, and so it makes sense for them to be 'telling' this story, but i think you could have fleshed out a few moments; eg i would have loved to have known what that alley was like to him as a dog?
coupla typos:
"maybe even embarrassed towards my cowardice.” Embarrassed of my cowardice?
“I took it as my queue to join” cue
Looking forward to hearing more about the displaced witch :)
30sophiesixAwesome opening. you totally had me hooked in your first lines. I especially liked the witch in the military coat, with his blend of oh-so-bored and menace. also the way teh MC is totally ruthless as a killer with words, but a teensy bit different when it comes to real thing. The shapeshifter language was another interesting element, is it totally made up or based on something? you made the present actions compelling and the back story moved along at a fast pace, always intriguing - love how he justifies his absence from society and then realise his plan is a tad flawed XD
The narrator is a writer, and so it makes sense for them to be 'telling' this story, but i think you could have fleshed out a few moments; eg i would have loved to have known what that alley was like to him as a dog?
coupla typos:
"maybe even embarrassed towards my cowardice.” Embarrassed of my cowardice?
“I took it as my queue to join” cue
Looking forward to hearing more about the displaced witch :)
11/11/2009 c1 1Arrdee
I shall give you words of inspiration (pfft like hell I can inspire anyone XD) instead of critisism, seeing that I'm never really any good.
Really great work! Best I've read in ages! lmao Lus your idea is solely original! I've never read anything like it before! Really cool! I mean most have vamps and witches and all those other supernatural creatures in it (like duh this is the superatural genre! *hits her own forehead*) but none used in this context.
I say, bloody good job! I too am expecting more!
Hasta Lasagna!
-Bec-
1ArrdeeI shall give you words of inspiration (pfft like hell I can inspire anyone XD) instead of critisism, seeing that I'm never really any good.
Really great work! Best I've read in ages! lmao Lus your idea is solely original! I've never read anything like it before! Really cool! I mean most have vamps and witches and all those other supernatural creatures in it (like duh this is the superatural genre! *hits her own forehead*) but none used in this context.
I say, bloody good job! I too am expecting more!
Hasta Lasagna!
-Bec-
11/10/2009 c1 4lookingwest
I really like the idea of the protagonist as a writer, especially an accomplished one. What you do well you seem to understand yourself for it's forefront of your work, but what needs attentions just the idea that this is the first chapter of a work, so it needs to be the most polished. Beginnings are delicate times. If i could suggest, some explanations for the setting are too implicitly expressed. You don't need to fully educate the reader as to the history of the world yet, though you do a very good job of providing a concise background of it. Character development; providing a base of emotion to expect from our protagonist would be your best bet ( imo ). I like the introduction as a quick entrance to the story, and entrance of what I expect is the female lead, and possible romantic interest. However since we are reaching a saturation point of contemporary fantasy, (vampire & werewolves, witches and wizard etc. ) i would also suggest that you add an element of today's generation that would make it a tad more unique. (cellphones maybe? idk. but please, no facebook :p
I look definitely look forward to more : )
4lookingwestI really like the idea of the protagonist as a writer, especially an accomplished one. What you do well you seem to understand yourself for it's forefront of your work, but what needs attentions just the idea that this is the first chapter of a work, so it needs to be the most polished. Beginnings are delicate times. If i could suggest, some explanations for the setting are too implicitly expressed. You don't need to fully educate the reader as to the history of the world yet, though you do a very good job of providing a concise background of it. Character development; providing a base of emotion to expect from our protagonist would be your best bet ( imo ). I like the introduction as a quick entrance to the story, and entrance of what I expect is the female lead, and possible romantic interest. However since we are reaching a saturation point of contemporary fantasy, (vampire & werewolves, witches and wizard etc. ) i would also suggest that you add an element of today's generation that would make it a tad more unique. (cellphones maybe? idk. but please, no facebook :p
I look definitely look forward to more : )
11/10/2009 c1 2Lady Mason
i really like your word flow and dialouge. i havent read your other stories so i dont know if you've posted this. cool characters too.
2Lady Masoni really like your word flow and dialouge. i havent read your other stories so i dont know if you've posted this. cool characters too.