for Just a Mask12/31/2009 c1 
12BangxDitto
I didn't know everything on my "Payback" list would be so sad! Then again, pain is the easiest emotion to write/rant on.
I'd imagine it being so hard to go through something like losing a loved one. I think that if this were continued, I would like to see Jensen grow instead of shrinking like he is now. I also think, that though he doesn't want any help, someone should just be there. Talking is irrelevant so long as someone knows that they're there.
Whoo. This was so sad. But I loved it.
12BangxDittoI didn't know everything on my "Payback" list would be so sad! Then again, pain is the easiest emotion to write/rant on.
I'd imagine it being so hard to go through something like losing a loved one. I think that if this were continued, I would like to see Jensen grow instead of shrinking like he is now. I also think, that though he doesn't want any help, someone should just be there. Talking is irrelevant so long as someone knows that they're there.
Whoo. This was so sad. But I loved it.
12/23/2009 c1 41Pink-Amethyst
wow. i really like this. even though it is sad, sometimes i enjoy to revel in depression. i like it as a one-shot; it ended in a nice place and leaves the reader with a sense of completness with that awesome last line. any more would ruin the effect.
xoxo, Cassie
41Pink-Amethystwow. i really like this. even though it is sad, sometimes i enjoy to revel in depression. i like it as a one-shot; it ended in a nice place and leaves the reader with a sense of completness with that awesome last line. any more would ruin the effect.
xoxo, Cassie
11/28/2009 c1 41TheSilverWarrior
I enjoyed this story. Well written with good imagery. :) Oddly enough, it reminds me of one of my own writings-"Turning Point"-that I have on here.
Keep up the good work! :)
TSW
41TheSilverWarriorI enjoyed this story. Well written with good imagery. :) Oddly enough, it reminds me of one of my own writings-"Turning Point"-that I have on here.
Keep up the good work! :)
TSW
11/22/2009 c1 27caracal eyes
Whoah...quite depressing. But also very well-written, and you get a good sense of who Jensen is, even though it's only a one-shot.
Yes, I definitely think that this would be good as a longer story. It would probably work out well as a love story...like, a girl notices him about to jump, and it goes from there...um..but that's all I can think of at the moment. Despite all the sadness here, I definitely enjoyed reading this. -oleander
(also, thanks for reviewing my poem. it means a lot to me. :)
27caracal eyesWhoah...quite depressing. But also very well-written, and you get a good sense of who Jensen is, even though it's only a one-shot.
Yes, I definitely think that this would be good as a longer story. It would probably work out well as a love story...like, a girl notices him about to jump, and it goes from there...um..but that's all I can think of at the moment. Despite all the sadness here, I definitely enjoyed reading this. -oleander
(also, thanks for reviewing my poem. it means a lot to me. :)
11/18/2009 c1 natmarie
First off I love the name Jensen. You do a great job of building the character and his surroundings...your descriptions have a poetic imagery abou them, yet your sentences remain simple and easy to follow for the most part, a few long ones sneak in that maybe could be broken up. You say he had moved here...where is here...left for readers to guess? "And the one that still woke him in a cold sweat." This one sentence confuses me a bit but I know what your are getting at by reading the rest of the paragraph.
"didn’t have to remember at every second of every day the son they had lost in an angry squeal of breaks and burning rubber."=Favorite line, I love the imagery here.
Very powerful ending, your shift goes from him possibly jumping to being a peace to wearing a mask to saving himself...all very good themes you portray well. It is nice how it is but I could almost see it being a preface.
As for where it could go from here depends. I have a few ideas...PM me if you are interested. :)
First off I love the name Jensen. You do a great job of building the character and his surroundings...your descriptions have a poetic imagery abou them, yet your sentences remain simple and easy to follow for the most part, a few long ones sneak in that maybe could be broken up. You say he had moved here...where is here...left for readers to guess? "And the one that still woke him in a cold sweat." This one sentence confuses me a bit but I know what your are getting at by reading the rest of the paragraph.
"didn’t have to remember at every second of every day the son they had lost in an angry squeal of breaks and burning rubber."=Favorite line, I love the imagery here.
Very powerful ending, your shift goes from him possibly jumping to being a peace to wearing a mask to saving himself...all very good themes you portray well. It is nice how it is but I could almost see it being a preface.
As for where it could go from here depends. I have a few ideas...PM me if you are interested. :)
11/15/2009 c1 Isca
"And so Jensen buried his pain deep, veiled it behind layers of the memories." God, I love this part - it's so riveting and emotional. :)
"And so Jensen buried his pain deep, veiled it behind layers of the memories." God, I love this part - it's so riveting and emotional. :)
11/15/2009 c1 Sir Scott
I have to admit that saying I'm sorry doesn't ease the pain when you lose a loved one.
If you wanted to make this stoy longer, you go back to the beginning and tell how Ben was killed or start the story here and have everything told in flashbacks.
~SirScott
I have to admit that saying I'm sorry doesn't ease the pain when you lose a loved one.
If you wanted to make this stoy longer, you go back to the beginning and tell how Ben was killed or start the story here and have everything told in flashbacks.
~SirScott
11/14/2009 c1 871no.peace.los.angeles
Well, I think it's lovely as it is, full of mystery and the good kind of suspense where the reader can make up his or her own mind about what happens to him, but I could definitely see it being continued, too. I don't mind it being on its own, though, if you're looking for an answer one way or the other. :) At any rate, keep writing! :)
871no.peace.los.angelesWell, I think it's lovely as it is, full of mystery and the good kind of suspense where the reader can make up his or her own mind about what happens to him, but I could definitely see it being continued, too. I don't mind it being on its own, though, if you're looking for an answer one way or the other. :) At any rate, keep writing! :)
11/12/2009 c1 Punslinger
A fascinating tale that holds our attention with breathless intensity. But it isn't fair to leave us dangling in Jensen's uncertainty. You should carry on to a more satisfying conclusion, even if it is a tragic one. Jensen should either choose to end his life or find a way to start healing his wounded soul. I might have him meet a sensitive girl who can help him realize that life is still worth living - but it's your story, not mine.
A fascinating tale that holds our attention with breathless intensity. But it isn't fair to leave us dangling in Jensen's uncertainty. You should carry on to a more satisfying conclusion, even if it is a tragic one. Jensen should either choose to end his life or find a way to start healing his wounded soul. I might have him meet a sensitive girl who can help him realize that life is still worth living - but it's your story, not mine.
11/11/2009 c1 26Mirabella
This is awesome! It makes me want to cry. :) So sad and you make it so real and vivid. A moment captured perfectly in time.
Love these lines:
He could end it all. All he had to do was step off the edge and shatter into a thousand pieces just like the glass he was.
It's beautiful and sad, and yes, you should continue it. :)
Unless perhaps it is stronger left be?
26MirabellaThis is awesome! It makes me want to cry. :) So sad and you make it so real and vivid. A moment captured perfectly in time.
Love these lines:
He could end it all. All he had to do was step off the edge and shatter into a thousand pieces just like the glass he was.
It's beautiful and sad, and yes, you should continue it. :)
Unless perhaps it is stronger left be?
11/11/2009 c1 5Lady Livia
...please don't jump?
Oh I love it... It was so deep and moving and i want to hug him.
Especially this part... "tears started to fall once again smudging the kohl around his eyes, each one an apology for the life that had been wrenched from his grasp on that terrible night."
I wanted to hug him bad..
But the Kohl bit made me smile in the middle of all that angst. I'm a bad person...
But you HAVE to continue it.. or.. i shall die.
5Lady Livia...please don't jump?
Oh I love it... It was so deep and moving and i want to hug him.
Especially this part... "tears started to fall once again smudging the kohl around his eyes, each one an apology for the life that had been wrenched from his grasp on that terrible night."
I wanted to hug him bad..
But the Kohl bit made me smile in the middle of all that angst. I'm a bad person...
But you HAVE to continue it.. or.. i shall die.
11/11/2009 c1 2Alathea
I thought that your story was very descriptive and the character held a lot of depth. His thoughts and emotions made it possible to connect with the character and to feel what he was going through.
Because you have put so much description in this chapter, I feel that all the ends have been tied up and therefore it should be left as a one-shot. However, if you feel that you would like to further develop this piece, then perhaps shorten this chapter and veil the details so that the reader has a motivation to read on and find out how his life had come to this.
Both ways would be fulfilling for the reader, however, I personally would like to see you further develop this piece.
2AlatheaI thought that your story was very descriptive and the character held a lot of depth. His thoughts and emotions made it possible to connect with the character and to feel what he was going through.
Because you have put so much description in this chapter, I feel that all the ends have been tied up and therefore it should be left as a one-shot. However, if you feel that you would like to further develop this piece, then perhaps shorten this chapter and veil the details so that the reader has a motivation to read on and find out how his life had come to this.
Both ways would be fulfilling for the reader, however, I personally would like to see you further develop this piece.
11/11/2009 c1 fleur de l'est
This is amazing, I like the way you tell the story end to start (well sort of), so it keeps the reader engaged the whole way through. Also the way you integrate his present actions with memories of the past really helps the reader get inside his mind.
I think this is great as a one-shot, it's concise and conveys a lot of emotions, and adding more chapters might diffuse its essence. But then, I'm just speaking as someone who has a particular preference for short stories, so don't let me stop you :) If you do decide to go on I'll read the rest as well!
This is amazing, I like the way you tell the story end to start (well sort of), so it keeps the reader engaged the whole way through. Also the way you integrate his present actions with memories of the past really helps the reader get inside his mind.
I think this is great as a one-shot, it's concise and conveys a lot of emotions, and adding more chapters might diffuse its essence. But then, I'm just speaking as someone who has a particular preference for short stories, so don't let me stop you :) If you do decide to go on I'll read the rest as well!