for When We Wither3/29/2010 c4 
4Xenn.be.Twisted
Hot dayum I really like this one! their is way too much bad quality writing on fictionpress, I have to say and when you find a really good one like this it's great! YAYAYAY!
I love her. Seriously. I hope she fucks him over grandly in some way or another.
Please, write more!
Xenn
4Xenn.be.TwistedHot dayum I really like this one! their is way too much bad quality writing on fictionpress, I have to say and when you find a really good one like this it's great! YAYAYAY!
I love her. Seriously. I hope she fucks him over grandly in some way or another.
Please, write more!
Xenn
1/14/2010 c3 1xenolith
Oh wow, this is so interesting!
I had no idea it was going to turn out like this. Rome! OMFG. I like the pace, the narrator, Cole, the dialogue and the length. Why, well, because it's all fresh, easy to read, realistic and engaging. I so want to know what's going to happen next, and who that Mob Boss dude was. Oh and that fall, nicely done. Very suspenseful, very awesome!
1xenolithOh wow, this is so interesting!
I had no idea it was going to turn out like this. Rome! OMFG. I like the pace, the narrator, Cole, the dialogue and the length. Why, well, because it's all fresh, easy to read, realistic and engaging. I so want to know what's going to happen next, and who that Mob Boss dude was. Oh and that fall, nicely done. Very suspenseful, very awesome!
12/24/2009 c3 1RetardedChicken
Good stuff, didn't see any mistakes(unlike me) and I'm liking this story. Anyways update soon and MERRY CHRISTMAS
1RetardedChickenGood stuff, didn't see any mistakes(unlike me) and I'm liking this story. Anyways update soon and MERRY CHRISTMAS
12/13/2009 c3 Akumo
Amazing story awesome plot, good grammar, and good spelling :) can't wait for the next update!
Amazing story awesome plot, good grammar, and good spelling :) can't wait for the next update!
12/1/2009 c2 11Fay Diablo
Whoo! I love shootouts...and gore...but that's not a reflection on my character, I swear.
Again, this chapter was pretty awesome- you used 'of' instead of 'off' a couple times, but that's no big deal. I really do love Alain's narratation. I love her flipping off the gangster, even after have guns on her.
11Fay DiabloWhoo! I love shootouts...and gore...but that's not a reflection on my character, I swear.
Again, this chapter was pretty awesome- you used 'of' instead of 'off' a couple times, but that's no big deal. I really do love Alain's narratation. I love her flipping off the gangster, even after have guns on her.
12/1/2009 c1 Fay Diablo
I adore this...simply because of Alain's inner voice. I like how Alain and Cole interact with each other- and I love that even though she keeps shooting him these slightly condescending comments, she's still checking out his hands. This is sort of funny and cute, in a dark way- it almost feels like Alain's on the verge of being sort of jaded and cynical.
There were only two things that caught my attention- in the beginning, where it says, "'Here,' I passed", you should either replace the comma with a period or put "I said, then passed". The other thing was "it easily chilled my fingers to the bone"- it almost feels like if you reworded this second half of the sentence, the whole thing would sound a little better.
I adore this...simply because of Alain's inner voice. I like how Alain and Cole interact with each other- and I love that even though she keeps shooting him these slightly condescending comments, she's still checking out his hands. This is sort of funny and cute, in a dark way- it almost feels like Alain's on the verge of being sort of jaded and cynical.
There were only two things that caught my attention- in the beginning, where it says, "'Here,' I passed", you should either replace the comma with a period or put "I said, then passed". The other thing was "it easily chilled my fingers to the bone"- it almost feels like if you reworded this second half of the sentence, the whole thing would sound a little better.
11/27/2009 c2 1xenolith
Wow alright, I thought this was excellent. I want more. Guess that's the best kinda praise I could offer at the moment. Riveting stuff!
1xenolithWow alright, I thought this was excellent. I want more. Guess that's the best kinda praise I could offer at the moment. Riveting stuff!
11/27/2009 c1 xenolith
Hm, what I like best about this is how it seems so laid back. It wasn't what I was expecting for the start of a new story, it was like you plunged right in to the deep end and I appreciate that. It's kinda great. Certainly different. The dialogue and simple descriptions were wonderful, the only thing I really had to nitpick about was this ' His lips quirked faintly upwards' and yeah... that was it. This is really very good.
Hm, what I like best about this is how it seems so laid back. It wasn't what I was expecting for the start of a new story, it was like you plunged right in to the deep end and I appreciate that. It's kinda great. Certainly different. The dialogue and simple descriptions were wonderful, the only thing I really had to nitpick about was this ' His lips quirked faintly upwards' and yeah... that was it. This is really very good.
11/26/2009 c2 6ephemeral dance
Ick, gore. But a recent endeavor with a horror anime has now made me almost immune to that kind of stuff. ^^;
Anyway, this was another good chapter. Cole is a hoot. I like how you deal with business as well as humor, and then lead up to an awesome, balls-smashing end. I can't wait to read the next chapter.
6ephemeral danceIck, gore. But a recent endeavor with a horror anime has now made me almost immune to that kind of stuff. ^^;
Anyway, this was another good chapter. Cole is a hoot. I like how you deal with business as well as humor, and then lead up to an awesome, balls-smashing end. I can't wait to read the next chapter.
11/26/2009 c1 ephemeral dance
Haha! I really like this. A nice introduction to characters and whatnot, I can already tell that your characterization/development is going to be absolutely divine. I like how the humor didn't leave even at the very end, and then bam! A perfect ending to make the reader want to move on.
Great job!
- Sarah, via The Roadhouse
Haha! I really like this. A nice introduction to characters and whatnot, I can already tell that your characterization/development is going to be absolutely divine. I like how the humor didn't leave even at the very end, and then bam! A perfect ending to make the reader want to move on.
Great job!
- Sarah, via The Roadhouse
11/25/2009 c2 29YasuRan
So far, I think it's pretty exciting. I like the dynamic between Alain and Cole, they both seem quite interesting characters. However, I think you could have written in some more action in the second chapter, particularly when they first enter the club (before Cole gets shot). Just a little touch ;)
29YasuRanSo far, I think it's pretty exciting. I like the dynamic between Alain and Cole, they both seem quite interesting characters. However, I think you could have written in some more action in the second chapter, particularly when they first enter the club (before Cole gets shot). Just a little touch ;)
11/23/2009 c2 1WildmanWalker
The imagery is great-very descriptive, and it keeps you on the edge of your seat. Your development of all the characters (especially Alain & Cole) is also great. I think I've found a new story on this site that I'll enjoy reading.
Keep it up!
1WildmanWalkerThe imagery is great-very descriptive, and it keeps you on the edge of your seat. Your development of all the characters (especially Alain & Cole) is also great. I think I've found a new story on this site that I'll enjoy reading.
Keep it up!
11/23/2009 c2 25KelaBelle
When you writed at the beginning its going to be crime, romance and supernatrual I was like squeal cause I lvoe it when we have a mixed of different genes happeneing in one story, I'm liking where this is going so far.
25KelaBelleWhen you writed at the beginning its going to be crime, romance and supernatrual I was like squeal cause I lvoe it when we have a mixed of different genes happeneing in one story, I'm liking where this is going so far.
11/22/2009 c1 1A. Jocko
Quite the good start here. I'm really a sucker for simple opening hooks, and the first line here drew me in. You're a rather talented writer. You have a talent for picking the right words to illustrate a scene. Words like "slumped" and "inhaled" in the early going get me interested. I also quite enjoyed the exchange about being high strung, that one made me chuckle. My only real quibble with chapter 1 is minor: You mention Christmas is right around the corner and then have hte "Early december weather is COLD" line. I don't think you needed both like that. We already know the time. Your policewoman feels professional, while also being organic. I also loved the tweezer bit. It's impressive how naturally this all flows. Got some skill.
As for chapter two, more of the same. I really liked the line "they didn't have a face anymore." That really sells the damage well. There's lots of bits in here that make me THINK I know what they're dealing with, but it's still not out there and obvious about it. Second chapter brings more goodness, even if I'd want to slap a guy named Donovan Peron. What a name. Still, this one has me interested and I'll be adding it to my favorites to keep an eye on updates.
1A. JockoQuite the good start here. I'm really a sucker for simple opening hooks, and the first line here drew me in. You're a rather talented writer. You have a talent for picking the right words to illustrate a scene. Words like "slumped" and "inhaled" in the early going get me interested. I also quite enjoyed the exchange about being high strung, that one made me chuckle. My only real quibble with chapter 1 is minor: You mention Christmas is right around the corner and then have hte "Early december weather is COLD" line. I don't think you needed both like that. We already know the time. Your policewoman feels professional, while also being organic. I also loved the tweezer bit. It's impressive how naturally this all flows. Got some skill.
As for chapter two, more of the same. I really liked the line "they didn't have a face anymore." That really sells the damage well. There's lots of bits in here that make me THINK I know what they're dealing with, but it's still not out there and obvious about it. Second chapter brings more goodness, even if I'd want to slap a guy named Donovan Peron. What a name. Still, this one has me interested and I'll be adding it to my favorites to keep an eye on updates.
11/22/2009 c2 A. Jocko
Quite the good start here. I'm really a sucker for simple opening hooks, and the first line here drew me in. You're a rather talented writer. You have a talent for picking the right words to illustrate a scene. Words like "slumped" and "inhaled" in the early going get me interested. I also quite enjoyed the exchange about being high strung, that one made me chuckle. My only real quibble with chapter 1 is minor: You mention Christmas is right around the corner and then have hte "Early december weather is COLD" line. I don't think you needed both like that. We already know the time. Your policewoman feels professional, while also being organic. I also loved the tweezer bit. It's impressive how naturally this all flows. Got some skill.
As for chapter two, more of the same. I really liked the line "they didn't have a face anymore." That really sells the damage well. There's lots of bits in here that make me THINK I know what they're dealing with, but it's still not out there and obvious about it. Second chapter brings more goodness, even if I'd want to slap a guy named Donovan Peron. What a name. Still, this one has me interested and I'll be adding it to my favorites to keep an eye on updates.
Quite the good start here. I'm really a sucker for simple opening hooks, and the first line here drew me in. You're a rather talented writer. You have a talent for picking the right words to illustrate a scene. Words like "slumped" and "inhaled" in the early going get me interested. I also quite enjoyed the exchange about being high strung, that one made me chuckle. My only real quibble with chapter 1 is minor: You mention Christmas is right around the corner and then have hte "Early december weather is COLD" line. I don't think you needed both like that. We already know the time. Your policewoman feels professional, while also being organic. I also loved the tweezer bit. It's impressive how naturally this all flows. Got some skill.
As for chapter two, more of the same. I really liked the line "they didn't have a face anymore." That really sells the damage well. There's lots of bits in here that make me THINK I know what they're dealing with, but it's still not out there and obvious about it. Second chapter brings more goodness, even if I'd want to slap a guy named Donovan Peron. What a name. Still, this one has me interested and I'll be adding it to my favorites to keep an eye on updates.