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for It's Snowing Tomorrow

10/26/2010 c1 2NsShadowSerpent
"What is this, Ugly Sweater Day? Do you have anything else?"

"Nope. Except for this one scarf."

Heh heh. This was classic here. I could totally picture this in manga format. Seeing as you have lots of stories, I'm sure that I don't need to point out that it may need some editing for the first chapter. But it's just fine.

Short, funny, and straight to the point.

~NsShadowSerpent
8/30/2010 c1 Lisa
I did not expect to find this story when I stumbled upon it on my daily scan of Fictionpress but somehow I ended up falling in love (as only a yaoi fangirl can) with the characters.

Granted, there are some grammatical errors and such, but otherwise, I enjoy this story.

However, my complaint is that this story hasn't been updated in a while, and is incomplete. I dislike getting deep into a story, and then find out that it is incomplete. A conclusion would be nice, but I also feel like the characters haven't been developed well enough, like the key to understanding them is something esoteric. Very little detail is given to most characters, and I just know that one is uke and the other is seme. The characters' behaviour is odd, and I find that there's always some other guy trying to snatch the other guy away from the other. The characters change, but the plot really doesn't. They always make up in the end.

I know it's not my story, but I thoroughly enjoy the idea it spawned from, however, I have some doubts about your execution of it. Each chapter is written by a different author, and it gives it a bit of a choppy style.

Update soon,

Lisa.
6/22/2010 c21 annie
i really like this story but why dont u update anymore :(

please i need to know what happened to mato and kurisu!
12/19/2009 c6 28mikey magee
""Well, I'm just concerned. I'm done my lunch,"

change to "I'm done with my lunch."

Too much dialog in this chapter and it was diificult to gather who was talking and for what purpose.

The pacing for the chapter was far too fast and it seemed like everything was a little bit contrived.

I don't have a problem with these kinds of stories, in fact I love them, and I think adding a little more realism to it would make it go a long way. Instead of having this be some kind of large love triangle I think it would help if you added a little more drama to the mix.

Homosexuality is a big thing for people at this age and they feel many emotions like the guilt for feeling this way and fear for what others will think and just sometimes just plain self-loathing. I think it would give the characters more depth if you added some of these feelings for each of them, that way they would feel more like real people.

I liked the ending but it seemed too anti-climatic, there was just too much that was left out. How did Kurisu feel? Why?

This story shows promise but it could use some work. Keep on writing
12/19/2009 c5 mikey magee
This chapter was even shorter than the last one.

The dialog was nice but it seemed like you were trying too hard with the "all capital" letter. Instead try to inject tension into the story with some description. Also, I don't believe any extra emphasis was needed for this chapter at all. Take this line: ""Just don't DRY HUMP ON THE GYM FLOOR AGAIN!" Karu called." You didn't need to use the capital letters because there really wasn't anything that needed to be emphasized.

Try to add a little more description in this chapter, it just seemed too short to me. The characters seem a little bit unrealistic, in fact I can't even get a feel for who they are. Take Kurisu for example, he seemed like a nice person in the beginning but now he just seems like a jealous person, which is fine but there doesn't seem to be any build up towards it so it seems out of the blue. Why not try to explain a little more about Kurisu so that the readers can learn a little more about him and who he is and why he does why he does, at the moment all of the characters just seem so similar and it's difficult to know who is who.
12/19/2009 c4 mikey magee
Again, I would like to caution you against using adjectives. I noticed the words "Stealthily" a lot in this chapter so I think it would be better if you just described "stealthily" instead of just saying it it would also be a good opportunity to let us get to know Kurisu a little bit better

Ex: "Kurisu moved with the stealth of a warrior. Footsteps that fell on hard ground sounded like the softest breeze. Quiet, just like his mother's voice and soft, just like his father's gaze."

Notice how this sentence showed how he moved and managed to inject a little bit of his family into it as well (the bit about his mother and father).

"Maki-sensei stood on the sidelines, and blew the whistle subtly." This sentence was a little bit strange to me, how can you blow a whistle subtly?

"At that moment, Jon walked past the gym, peeking in." I think you meant "Jun".

This chapter could have used a little more exposition as well, maybe some more description about the gym or the coach himself. The awkward silence was nice but it was too short, try to slow the pacing down some by adding more description, what did Kurisu feel like? What did he smell like? How did Mato feel, besides just "blushing?"

Furthermore I can't get a good feel of where they are, everything seems like its based in Japan but there are some American influences that just don't seem to fit.

Maybe it's just me.

I loved the idea of ending it with dialog though, it was the perfect set up for the next chapter.
12/19/2009 c3 mikey magee
Woah, I am sorry, that was my fault. Apparently Mato kissed Kurisu, not Taro. I apologize for the mix up.

This chapter was short and it would have been nice to see a little more exposition within it. For example, you could have taken this time to show us a little more about Mato and Kurisu's relationship. How did they meet?

You could have also taken this chapter to delve a little bit deeper into Mato's mind, don't just tell us he "couldn't stop thinking about it" show us that he couldn't stop thinking about it though repetition of the scene in detail.

Ex" Mato replayed the event in his head. He relived how his hands balled into a fist and how his heart began to pump like a bicycle's tires. Taro's face smiling like a child's and his hand ontop of Kurisu's shoulder as if he owned him. No. Never. Kurisu was his."

I loved the ending though, very nice cliff hanger.
12/19/2009 c2 mikey magee
Just a few things about the formatting in some places:

"Oh right, I was gonna do that, but you see, I was blinded by Mato Narumon's coolness here, so-", "Whatever, Kurisu, just change".

Whenever someone else starts to talk with a new bit of dialog you always want to start a new paragraph. (It was probably just a simple mistake, don't worry too much about it.)

I would caution you against using so adjectives, (he said casually,) I found quite a few of them within the chapter. Instead try to describe what "casually" means or better still just leave it out, personally I think it sounds better like this:

Ex: "Hey, Kurisu" Mato said as he pushed the door open.

This is meant to be in Japan right? If so I doubt they would use inches,

"narrowly missing it by a couple inches." Maybe centimeters? It's not a big deal really.

I like how the plot is shaping up, it was nice to see the jealousy from Mato and the slight conflict between the two boys even after the "accidental" incident in the other chapter.

It would be nice to see a little more introspection or build up between the characters, at the moment it seems a little too fast for my taste like when Taro was "flirting" with Kurisu, it would have been nice to see and feel the anger welling up inside of Mato, maybe have more physical reactions like hand gestures, loss of breath, or increase of heart rate, and then we could of gone further by showing more emotions like anger, then hurt, then sadness, and then anger again. It's naturally for people to feel many emotions when they see something like that, don't be afraid to use a lot of emotions.

I loved the ending, it was a very nice set up for Taro's feelings.
12/19/2009 c1 mikey magee
I loved the opening of the story. It was nice because instead of jumping out into the action you subtly injected interest, I love that kind of opening more because it reflects life on a deeper level.

The dialog was nice but I couldn't stand the "all capital". For example,

"I THINK THIS SCARF IS COOL ENOUGH FOR THE BOTH OF US"

When all of the words are capitalized, it just seems like you're trying too hard.

The description could have used some work, for example, instead of just saying "blueinsh gray eyes" you could have gone into more detail:

Ex: "Mato stared into the eyes that seemed to shimmer like koi ponds."

Nice opening chapter. Loved the ending, it was a nice way to continue the story
12/11/2009 c20 InsaneOrenji
Hey! While I did appreciate the calm and relaxed nature of this chapter and the temporary cessation of the Eji-Mato-Kurisu drama, I felt like this chapter lacked the energy and drive that you had so wonderfully kept up in the chapters before. Towards the end, it felt like the storyline stopped propelling forward...I think you could've probably added a little bit more spice.

Good work though! Catch ya on the next chapter
12/10/2009 c9 4lookingwest
I like how Kurisu is still conflicted with how to treat Mato after his "betrayal" the idea of his jealousy is spliced by his anger, and then by his sadness that he also is missing the one he wants :( Kurisu is so conflicted with so many different emotions and because of that it really reaches into the very depths of his character development!

Wonderful analogy with the fishes, it's a cool image and it also draws out some of Mato's own feelings. I did get a little confused when you switch from a prospective about Kurisu to Mato, it's a tiny bit hard to keep up with how you're handling the narrative, either third person omniscient or limited omniscient, it would be nice to have a little bit of a divider or something before you switch, otherwise I'm still feeling Kurisu's emotions when we jump into Mato-though I suppose that does do something worth warranting to kind of bleed them together as one coherent character. Interesting.

Huh. I would think there would be a slightly bit more pain if someone ran over your balls, like, emergency room pain-XD But the distraction of Mato was fun. Kind of funny too :D

Aw, there was a fun happy ending, but again, feeling rushed. Their apology didn't take long, or their forgiveness, I think you could have played with a little bit more of Mato and Kurisu's emotions!
12/9/2009 c8 lookingwest
Hmm, I am liking that you keep coming back to the PE class in the morning, it doesn't seem like there are much of any other classes mentioned other than lunch, but for some reason I like that because it sets off each setting and it also presents a history for the reader. What I mean: I know the setting really well and I know what's happened throughout the year, or for the past weeks, so switching it to another class would seem kind of dizzying to me-the PE class definitley grounds it and keeps it on a coherent place and time line.

You're still missing a ton of speaker tag commas that should go inside the quotations "like this," but since the story has so many chapters still I'll be looking for improvement on the ones added after my comment :D

Hmm, I think this is one of the first time's I've seen the chapter split in the middle between the two of you! What I find really interesting is that your writing styles coincide with one another and I don't see an enormous noticeable difference, which is good.

Woah, I don't like how you segwayed from such an emotional scene in the drama room to suddenly the next day. I would have preferred more of a warning! Again, I'm feeling rushed.

'I'll hang out with Karu to make him jealous...then he'll come back to me'-Ah, the drama continues, XD, love it.
12/9/2009 c7 lookingwest
I love the description "with a smile that hurt" that employs good use of personification and I like it because it gives hidden meaning to Kurisu's feelings and gives us a glimpse into his subconscious.

I feel this chapter is a lot more in depth than the last which is good, there was a much more slower pace which I enjoyed, it's liking coming up for air ^_^ You've got a natural talent for descriptions so you should try to use them more in your work instead of rushing into things too fast. With this chapter I liked the measured gathering of information, even the dialogue seemed to take a different more realistic pace.

I liked that Mato finally kind of came out and said what he felt about Kurisu and Karu at his locker and how that kind of propelled him to work up enough courage to ask him over to his house. O, hopefully the fun will begin!

Mato broke the kiss, both breathing heavily. Then in a quiet whisper that only Kurisu could hear, Mato said "I only want you". AH! OMGOMGOMG! YES!

"Hand over Mato or I’ll tell the whole school the kiss was on purpose" Bo.
12/9/2009 c19 iluvtaylorlautner153
omg i cant belive ejis gone cuz i rly rly lyked him!1 o well...atleast mato n kurisu r bak together!1

kiss kiss
12/9/2009 c19 InsaneOrenji
Hey! It's me again XD While i really liked this chapter, my criticism of it is the abrupt ending of Mato and Eji. I think realistically, since Mato and Eji have been dating for some time now, Mato would not be able to drop Eji in a split second like that. You also did mention that Eji was really really nice to Mato...so wouldn't Mato be reluctant to give up Eji just like that?

Good job though, keep at it!

PS Thanks so much for reviewing my story, I really appreciate it =D
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