for Second Glance8/7/2010 c25 Kitty
Great job KukiE. Plots amazin'
Great job KukiE. Plots amazin'
8/7/2010 c21 Kitty
Oh my god KukiE. Stop with the cliff hangers! I need to know what happens! Come on!
Oh my god KukiE. Stop with the cliff hangers! I need to know what happens! Come on!
3/29/2010 c1 katy
its really good!
its really good!
1/28/2010 c15 
4T.J. Kroyer
Ok, her whole move seems like it cam out of nowhere. You should have her mention this earlier in the book so it doesn't seem so sudden and convenient. Maybe a scene where Larry talks it over with her?
4T.J. KroyerOk, her whole move seems like it cam out of nowhere. You should have her mention this earlier in the book so it doesn't seem so sudden and convenient. Maybe a scene where Larry talks it over with her?
1/28/2010 c11 T.J. Kroyer
Okay, the Aiden point of view at the beginning was a bit pointless and just interrupted the flow. Twas a good chapter otherwise though. And you need to brainstorm a name for this thing =p.
Okay, the Aiden point of view at the beginning was a bit pointless and just interrupted the flow. Twas a good chapter otherwise though. And you need to brainstorm a name for this thing =p.
1/14/2010 c9 T.J. Kroyer
Well, I've read all your work now and am quite impressed. In other words, write more, lazy butt =p.
Well, I've read all your work now and am quite impressed. In other words, write more, lazy butt =p.
1/13/2010 c9 RenEtAl
I've never heard bunny ears used to refer to "air quotes." That's just here, wherever I live. Bunny ears is when you stick two fingers up behind someone's head in a photo.
Your story is really confusing me. @_@ Some parts... I don't even know where to begin. Maybe it's best just to leave it alone...
I've never heard bunny ears used to refer to "air quotes." That's just here, wherever I live. Bunny ears is when you stick two fingers up behind someone's head in a photo.
Your story is really confusing me. @_@ Some parts... I don't even know where to begin. Maybe it's best just to leave it alone...
1/13/2010 c7 RenEtAl
I hate to be negative, but... I think you should take another look at this chapter. It seems to jump around a lot.
Honestly, it's like you started writing a lot, then felt it was too long, and deleted a bunch of parts. Like, how did it go from being 10 minutes after 5 to 7? Larry is the one who found the bloody tissue right? That part really confuses me. What happened to Aiden and her sister at the time? And it seems really strange that she is just thrown on the floor one minute then flirting with Aiden the next.
It's probably a good idea if you revise or re-write the chapter.
I hate to be negative, but... I think you should take another look at this chapter. It seems to jump around a lot.
Honestly, it's like you started writing a lot, then felt it was too long, and deleted a bunch of parts. Like, how did it go from being 10 minutes after 5 to 7? Larry is the one who found the bloody tissue right? That part really confuses me. What happened to Aiden and her sister at the time? And it seems really strange that she is just thrown on the floor one minute then flirting with Aiden the next.
It's probably a good idea if you revise or re-write the chapter.
1/13/2010 c2 T.J. Kroyer
"I’d had Rhiley for six months, though the relationship had come to an end just recently. I still wasn’t over all of that."
This line seems a little out of place and can be confusing. I'd reccomend moving it down to the part where he enters.
"I kept running past my house, I didn’t want to go their either."
Their should be there.
"My phone buzzed in my pocket, I had a new message. I stopped by a tree down the street from my house and got out my phone, I was hidden behind the trees.
"
This would flow better if you just dropped the "I was" at the end.
Good so far, and I really like the way the characters are unfolding.
"I’d had Rhiley for six months, though the relationship had come to an end just recently. I still wasn’t over all of that."
This line seems a little out of place and can be confusing. I'd reccomend moving it down to the part where he enters.
"I kept running past my house, I didn’t want to go their either."
Their should be there.
"My phone buzzed in my pocket, I had a new message. I stopped by a tree down the street from my house and got out my phone, I was hidden behind the trees.
"
This would flow better if you just dropped the "I was" at the end.
Good so far, and I really like the way the characters are unfolding.
1/13/2010 c1 T.J. Kroyer
"she mumbled and closed her phone with on hand"
On should be one.
Also, its a good idea to break into a new line when the person speaking changes, helps to keep the reader from being confused.
"she seen it from where she was laying"
The word seen really doesn't work in that context. Try something like "she could see".
"was dangling at the bridge."
You should probably remove the word was. doesn't work in that sentence's context.
Looks like an interesting start =]
"she mumbled and closed her phone with on hand"
On should be one.
Also, its a good idea to break into a new line when the person speaking changes, helps to keep the reader from being confused.
"she seen it from where she was laying"
The word seen really doesn't work in that context. Try something like "she could see".
"was dangling at the bridge."
You should probably remove the word was. doesn't work in that sentence's context.
Looks like an interesting start =]
1/8/2010 c2 62WriterOnTheMove
i like it there are a few grammar mistakes, but overall a good story, i can't wait to read more, so keep writing :)
~elyssa
62WriterOnTheMovei like it there are a few grammar mistakes, but overall a good story, i can't wait to read more, so keep writing :)
~elyssa
1/7/2010 c5 RenEtAl
Earlier you said she was 5 foot in the other chapter. Now you said she's 5'2"
Also, this really cracked me up: I was trying to figure out what ion pajamas were and what they'd look like when I realized you meant "in" pajamas, and that it was a typo.
Um... I'm not sure what Pandora is... Things like that you have to be careful of, not all your readers may know the things you mention, especially if they are specific (like Fuse). Your readers will most likely know what a blog is or what MTV is (then again, my parents know that). Try thinking of the nerdiest kid you know or the one most not tuned into pop culture, and ask yourself if they'd know what you were talking about. It helps, really.
Are you sure this is Fantasy? Or is it Supernatural? You should put it in the Young Adult section because it definitely has that feel.
I am looking forward to new chapters.
Earlier you said she was 5 foot in the other chapter. Now you said she's 5'2"
Also, this really cracked me up: I was trying to figure out what ion pajamas were and what they'd look like when I realized you meant "in" pajamas, and that it was a typo.
Um... I'm not sure what Pandora is... Things like that you have to be careful of, not all your readers may know the things you mention, especially if they are specific (like Fuse). Your readers will most likely know what a blog is or what MTV is (then again, my parents know that). Try thinking of the nerdiest kid you know or the one most not tuned into pop culture, and ask yourself if they'd know what you were talking about. It helps, really.
Are you sure this is Fantasy? Or is it Supernatural? You should put it in the Young Adult section because it definitely has that feel.
I am looking forward to new chapters.
1/7/2010 c1 RenEtAl
Instead of forward, I think you meant Foreword. But a foreword is usually a message from the author. I think what you wrote would be called a Prologue.
"I’d had Rhiley for six months, though they had come to an end just recently. I still wasn’t over all of that." That sentence really confused me. I had no clue who or what Rhiley was until Monique called him a boyfriend.
With the Aiden hoodie, some people might not know what you're talking about, so you should probably mention it's a band (that is what you meant, right?).
Other than all that, the story is really interesting. I like all the characters. I am looking forward to seeing what happens next! =)
Instead of forward, I think you meant Foreword. But a foreword is usually a message from the author. I think what you wrote would be called a Prologue.
"I’d had Rhiley for six months, though they had come to an end just recently. I still wasn’t over all of that." That sentence really confused me. I had no clue who or what Rhiley was until Monique called him a boyfriend.
With the Aiden hoodie, some people might not know what you're talking about, so you should probably mention it's a band (that is what you meant, right?).
Other than all that, the story is really interesting. I like all the characters. I am looking forward to seeing what happens next! =)