for Second Glance1/6/2010 c4 Fingers of Fire
It's a good beginning, although some parts are a little bit confusing. I also noticed that in the Foreword there was a couple of mistakes, but nothing too big. I'll keep reading, so keep writing. :)
It's a good beginning, although some parts are a little bit confusing. I also noticed that in the Foreword there was a couple of mistakes, but nothing too big. I'll keep reading, so keep writing. :)
12/6/2009 c3 Tauschung
Is this story going anywhere? You're introducing characters and starting to develop them, I see, but I haven't seen any plot yet, other than "Why can't I remember eighth grade?" but even that only gets a passing mention.
Since this story is in Jane's point of view, and Jane hears and acknowledges the line "I told my friend Lewis I’d be there in five minutes," it should obviously clue her in on who this guy is. At the very least, she shouldn't be surprised when he guesses that the Jane in front of him is the Jane he's going to meet at his destination one or two blocks away.
The next thing: 108°F? That's hot. That's really hot. If you've ever walked across pavement barefoot during the heat of summer, you'd know how hot it is and how quickly you run to shade. On a sidewalk, she wouldn't be lingering for very long; at the very least, she'd jump over to the grass. And in a forest, she should be sweating buckets and trying to find shade. If you're going for "a bit warm for a hoodie and jeans in June" (which is what I think you're indicating) I'd shoot for maybe 60-70°F, not 108°F.
Other small technical details: A few grammatical errors here and there ("We’ve got you’re location" "I didn’t want to go their either"), and Chapter 1 tells us at the start that it's three months later, but in the second paragraph you contradict it and say it's been six months.
I can see you know how to write (I'll admit "tonsil hockey" made me laugh). I'd suggest getting a beta just to check over the small errors here and there. If you haven't already, I also suggest plotting out your story at least a few chapters ahead of time, so you know where your characters are doing, and where they should end up. Might also help you come up with a title, if you can frame the big picture.
Is this story going anywhere? You're introducing characters and starting to develop them, I see, but I haven't seen any plot yet, other than "Why can't I remember eighth grade?" but even that only gets a passing mention.
Since this story is in Jane's point of view, and Jane hears and acknowledges the line "I told my friend Lewis I’d be there in five minutes," it should obviously clue her in on who this guy is. At the very least, she shouldn't be surprised when he guesses that the Jane in front of him is the Jane he's going to meet at his destination one or two blocks away.
The next thing: 108°F? That's hot. That's really hot. If you've ever walked across pavement barefoot during the heat of summer, you'd know how hot it is and how quickly you run to shade. On a sidewalk, she wouldn't be lingering for very long; at the very least, she'd jump over to the grass. And in a forest, she should be sweating buckets and trying to find shade. If you're going for "a bit warm for a hoodie and jeans in June" (which is what I think you're indicating) I'd shoot for maybe 60-70°F, not 108°F.
Other small technical details: A few grammatical errors here and there ("We’ve got you’re location" "I didn’t want to go their either"), and Chapter 1 tells us at the start that it's three months later, but in the second paragraph you contradict it and say it's been six months.
I can see you know how to write (I'll admit "tonsil hockey" made me laugh). I'd suggest getting a beta just to check over the small errors here and there. If you haven't already, I also suggest plotting out your story at least a few chapters ahead of time, so you know where your characters are doing, and where they should end up. Might also help you come up with a title, if you can frame the big picture.