11/30/2009 c1 56Luna Turner
"So why not longer should I stay?"

This should be "So why no longer should I stay?"

Without this wording, the meaning in that line is totally changed.

"Fighting up and out now I see around,"

Frankly, this line really didn't make much sense. I think I can see what you're talking about, but you should reword it to make it more clear to the reader.

"For I will be dead and not to my please."

Although changing this would mess up the rhyme pattern you have, it's grammatically incorrect.

It should be "For I will be dead and not to my pleasure."

"My death can help those around me,

For I have been lost to the sea."

I get what you're trying to say, but these two lines together sound awkward. I would suggest altering the first of the two, but leave the second alone. It's a very powerful ending line, and adds a lot of impact to the poem. I find that water seems to be a great imagery tool when it comes to concepts of suicide, depression, and just sorrow in general.

Although it was a cliche concept, I like the way you worded it, and made it your own. You stayed consistent with your ideas, and references to the Lake of Blood. I like how you stuck with your central idea. Many authors tend to stray away from that when they're writing, including myself.

So overall, like I said, I enjoyed it.

Keep writing.

Yours truly,

Luna Turner

11/30/2009 c1 22There Is No Forever
Perfect.