for Peter Pan Syndrome1/14/2010 c1 
5Connor Mack
Wow, what a sad story that I'm sure most people have thought about at least once in their life. It gives off this hopeless feeling and fear of entering a cruel world while wanting to live in the fantastical bliss of youth. Very well written, so all I can do is thank you for writing it for all of us to read.
5Connor MackWow, what a sad story that I'm sure most people have thought about at least once in their life. It gives off this hopeless feeling and fear of entering a cruel world while wanting to live in the fantastical bliss of youth. Very well written, so all I can do is thank you for writing it for all of us to read.
12/13/2009 c1 Fractured Illusion
Aw wow. I am not a mother or anything but this I could relate to either way :D I think it was because it felt like a really intimate look into a mother. Well done!
Minor thing that irked me - "they are able to hold on to their innocence…and stay young forever"
Felt too drastic to wish because she had let go of her innocence too soon. I mean...forever is a long time and all :p
Good luck in WCC!
Frac
Aw wow. I am not a mother or anything but this I could relate to either way :D I think it was because it felt like a really intimate look into a mother. Well done!
Minor thing that irked me - "they are able to hold on to their innocence…and stay young forever"
Felt too drastic to wish because she had let go of her innocence too soon. I mean...forever is a long time and all :p
Good luck in WCC!
Frac
12/12/2009 c1 871no.peace.los.angeles
This is nice, but I think I'm at a loss for what to say because it doesn't feel like a short story. I guess that's not really a problem, but I had a hard time getting into it. I think it's more of being able to relate to it than anything, since it does feel more like an essay or such. But all that said, it was nicely written. Just didn't draw me in so much. Nothing against your writing style, though. Good luck in the WCC and keep writing! :)
871no.peace.los.angelesThis is nice, but I think I'm at a loss for what to say because it doesn't feel like a short story. I guess that's not really a problem, but I had a hard time getting into it. I think it's more of being able to relate to it than anything, since it does feel more like an essay or such. But all that said, it was nicely written. Just didn't draw me in so much. Nothing against your writing style, though. Good luck in the WCC and keep writing! :)
12/11/2009 c1 17Eponine254
This is so sad! I think I could have engaged with it more easily if there was more dialogue... I think that could really help to develop a sense of who the narrator is,and what her life is like. I like the contrast with her world and her kids' world. Well done!
17Eponine254This is so sad! I think I could have engaged with it more easily if there was more dialogue... I think that could really help to develop a sense of who the narrator is,and what her life is like. I like the contrast with her world and her kids' world. Well done!
12/8/2009 c1 21Sercus Kaynine
This was a nice take on the prompt. I think it's something everyone can relate to. It's short, sweet, and to the point. That was a nice wish at the end, too.
God job and good luck in WCC!
21Sercus KaynineThis was a nice take on the prompt. I think it's something everyone can relate to. It's short, sweet, and to the point. That was a nice wish at the end, too.
God job and good luck in WCC!
12/7/2009 c1 7Duckies
Gosh, it's taken me awhile to get this review written up!
First off, I just have to say that I absolutely adore the concept of your story - it's such a short and simple piece, but you convey the message perfectly. The theme is really ouching, and makes you step back and try to take another proper look at the world.
I found you writing really easy to relate to - you used examples that were realistic and described them in such a way that made the events seem all the more close to home.
I enjoyed the way that you wrote the narrator as another entity looking back on themselves - this was a little confusing at first, because I thought the story was being written from the mother's perspective, not the actual character's (if that makes sense?) - though everything worked out in the end, to quite a nice result, if I may add.
I absolutely loved how throughout pretty much all of the story you wrote of positive things, then brought the story back to reality with harsh truths - it got your message through even more clearly.
The only criticism I had was that I felt you sometimes moved a little too quickly - just a bit more detail would've helped the flow, without maing the story seem more jumpy. Just a minor point though, on the whole I thoroughly enjoyed your piece and hope you win :)
I loved that advice you gave at the end - it was really sweet. Best of luck for WCC!
7DuckiesGosh, it's taken me awhile to get this review written up!
First off, I just have to say that I absolutely adore the concept of your story - it's such a short and simple piece, but you convey the message perfectly. The theme is really ouching, and makes you step back and try to take another proper look at the world.
I found you writing really easy to relate to - you used examples that were realistic and described them in such a way that made the events seem all the more close to home.
I enjoyed the way that you wrote the narrator as another entity looking back on themselves - this was a little confusing at first, because I thought the story was being written from the mother's perspective, not the actual character's (if that makes sense?) - though everything worked out in the end, to quite a nice result, if I may add.
I absolutely loved how throughout pretty much all of the story you wrote of positive things, then brought the story back to reality with harsh truths - it got your message through even more clearly.
The only criticism I had was that I felt you sometimes moved a little too quickly - just a bit more detail would've helped the flow, without maing the story seem more jumpy. Just a minor point though, on the whole I thoroughly enjoyed your piece and hope you win :)
I loved that advice you gave at the end - it was really sweet. Best of luck for WCC!
12/6/2009 c1 8Adrenalin
Short and bittersweet. I like those kind of pieces.
I can't help but wonder if the end means she regrets having children; it feels like she does, with the way she laments her lost fantasy world.
This is a great simile with Peter Pan; especially the end of the book, when Wendy watches her daughter leaves with Peter.
8AdrenalinShort and bittersweet. I like those kind of pieces.
I can't help but wonder if the end means she regrets having children; it feels like she does, with the way she laments her lost fantasy world.
This is a great simile with Peter Pan; especially the end of the book, when Wendy watches her daughter leaves with Peter.
12/4/2009 c1 9Narq
Hm, hi.
This seems more of an essay rather than a story?
Although they say a plot line isn't important for a short story, it's still good to let the readers know what's going on. Here, it feels like you're talking about a girl's thoughts but you're not really into what she's saying/doing/what's happening around her/ Why she's thinking this way ect.
Also, I'd reccomend using dialogue. It really helps in short stories where less is more.
Still, there were a lot of interesting and fascinating issues you raised there!
Good luck for WCC!
Narq.
9NarqHm, hi.
This seems more of an essay rather than a story?
Although they say a plot line isn't important for a short story, it's still good to let the readers know what's going on. Here, it feels like you're talking about a girl's thoughts but you're not really into what she's saying/doing/what's happening around her/ Why she's thinking this way ect.
Also, I'd reccomend using dialogue. It really helps in short stories where less is more.
Still, there were a lot of interesting and fascinating issues you raised there!
Good luck for WCC!
Narq.
12/4/2009 c1 58Inkspilled
This is very emotional and well written in that way. I like the way it switches from dreams to reality, replacing every word with another. It's a blunt type of reality that's depicted honestly, I liked it.
58InkspilledThis is very emotional and well written in that way. I like the way it switches from dreams to reality, replacing every word with another. It's a blunt type of reality that's depicted honestly, I liked it.
12/4/2009 c1 22Mizzuz Spock
Aw. It's so sad because it's true. I really like how you compare childhood to a fantasy. I never thought of it like that before, but you're so right-when we're young, we don't like to think about reality. We make big plans for ourselves, that fall through, and, unfortunately, most of us do end up like our parents. xD
Prince Charming's words are classic. (And so real.)
I loved the comment about reliving youth through children. I think this is a story that a lot of people can relate to, one way or another. You did a great job on this piece.
Good luck in the WCC! (Whether you enter this story or not.) :]
22Mizzuz SpockAw. It's so sad because it's true. I really like how you compare childhood to a fantasy. I never thought of it like that before, but you're so right-when we're young, we don't like to think about reality. We make big plans for ourselves, that fall through, and, unfortunately, most of us do end up like our parents. xD
Prince Charming's words are classic. (And so real.)
I loved the comment about reliving youth through children. I think this is a story that a lot of people can relate to, one way or another. You did a great job on this piece.
Good luck in the WCC! (Whether you enter this story or not.) :]
12/3/2009 c1 sophiesix
oh I LOVE prince charming! 'its funny because its true' as homer would say ;) Wish my mum had told me that - she probably did, i probably didn't listen X) Nice, and congrats on a short piece that is very satisfying, i know how hard that is ;)
oh I LOVE prince charming! 'its funny because its true' as homer would say ;) Wish my mum had told me that - she probably did, i probably didn't listen X) Nice, and congrats on a short piece that is very satisfying, i know how hard that is ;)
12/2/2009 c1 Eames
Is there not more that can be enjoyed outside of the 'fantasy world'? Innocence is all very good, but it doesen't allow for emotional maturity or growth. It certainly rings true with teenagers facing the prospect of leaving school.
A beautiful piece none the less.
Is there not more that can be enjoyed outside of the 'fantasy world'? Innocence is all very good, but it doesen't allow for emotional maturity or growth. It certainly rings true with teenagers facing the prospect of leaving school.
A beautiful piece none the less.
12/2/2009 c1 Airlia Alala
A wonderful piece of writng that rings true for young teenagers on the verge of adulthood every place in the world. Wouldn't we all love to turn back the clock and live once again, carefree as a child? A good piece of writing.
AA
A wonderful piece of writng that rings true for young teenagers on the verge of adulthood every place in the world. Wouldn't we all love to turn back the clock and live once again, carefree as a child? A good piece of writing.
AA
12/1/2009 c1 1Angel-Leigh Jones
hiya
i love this piece. It's so true. Everyone says enjoy school while you can - no bills, no having to cook miles etc - but you are so wanting to grow up you push their warnings aside. Then you get out of school and into the real world and everything rushes around you and you finally realise what they meant.
At school - being at home is so much easier than having a family or being in a house of your own. No worries where money is coming from, cooked meals and washing done.
THis is a great piece. :)
Angel
1Angel-Leigh Joneshiya
i love this piece. It's so true. Everyone says enjoy school while you can - no bills, no having to cook miles etc - but you are so wanting to grow up you push their warnings aside. Then you get out of school and into the real world and everything rushes around you and you finally realise what they meant.
At school - being at home is so much easier than having a family or being in a house of your own. No worries where money is coming from, cooked meals and washing done.
THis is a great piece. :)
Angel