for Wouldbe Woman2/9/2010 c1 
124in theory
I love how you "disguised" a child in full breasts, that's a really stunning metaphor. The format and flow was sumptuous too, it felt completely steady and yet ready to just take off.
Jack
124in theoryI love how you "disguised" a child in full breasts, that's a really stunning metaphor. The format and flow was sumptuous too, it felt completely steady and yet ready to just take off.
Jack
2/8/2010 c1 22lipleaf
Flow- I think that overall, the flow was decent. I felt that some of the lines were a bit too long and could have done with being broken apart, but it's alright way it is too. However, the three lines at the end bother bee. Putting periods at the end of each one makes it feel jerky and unconnected. It would flow more smoothly if you changed the first two periods to commas.
Imagery- I think you had some interesting and unique imagery here. I particularly liked "A child disguised in full breasts and a liquor dress..." It isn;t your typical description, and I like that. The idea of a young person hiding behind layers of "adult" things is overused, but you managed to make yours stand out. Good job with that.
Technical- I enjoyed the repetition of "a newly made man" and "would-be woman." I can't really explain it, but it adds a certain mood to the poem. I guess you could say it gives me the feeling that the would-be woman envies how "grown up" the new man is, and wants to hurry up and be like him.
Other- I liked the way you used a hyphen in "would-be woman." It's really a minor detail, but I feel it added life to the poem nonetheless. I think "newly made man" could benefit from a hyphen as well. As in: "newly-made man." It just help with the symmetry when the two are juxtaposed and gives it poem some consistency.
22lipleafFlow- I think that overall, the flow was decent. I felt that some of the lines were a bit too long and could have done with being broken apart, but it's alright way it is too. However, the three lines at the end bother bee. Putting periods at the end of each one makes it feel jerky and unconnected. It would flow more smoothly if you changed the first two periods to commas.
Imagery- I think you had some interesting and unique imagery here. I particularly liked "A child disguised in full breasts and a liquor dress..." It isn;t your typical description, and I like that. The idea of a young person hiding behind layers of "adult" things is overused, but you managed to make yours stand out. Good job with that.
Technical- I enjoyed the repetition of "a newly made man" and "would-be woman." I can't really explain it, but it adds a certain mood to the poem. I guess you could say it gives me the feeling that the would-be woman envies how "grown up" the new man is, and wants to hurry up and be like him.
Other- I liked the way you used a hyphen in "would-be woman." It's really a minor detail, but I feel it added life to the poem nonetheless. I think "newly made man" could benefit from a hyphen as well. As in: "newly-made man." It just help with the symmetry when the two are juxtaposed and gives it poem some consistency.
12/20/2009 c1 36MissGreySunshine
This was really good. And now to the more in depth stuff.
This poem flowed very easily. It was set up in a way that made it pleasing to the eyes because the stanzas were mostly the same length, consequently, making it easily followed.
The descriptions you used were very affective in delivering your point. The "false gold walls" in line 8 were a terrific description of the place and how she feels being there.
The descriptions weren't too in-your-face but they also weren't too flowery and sugar coated.
Despite the subject matter, I thoroughly enjoyed this poem. I felt as if I were watching this young woman go through this pain of not becoming all she could have, and ending up working in a brothel so to speak. The words and flow definately added to my enjoyment of reading this piece. If it would have been choppy and inconsistant in vocabulary, I wouldn't have enjoyed it as much.
From the beginning line, I was hooked. The "foreign fabrics" caught my eye. It was something I had never read before, so it was refreshing. Overall it was a very well-written piece, that is easily enjoyed.
Godd Job!
-MGS-
36MissGreySunshineThis was really good. And now to the more in depth stuff.
This poem flowed very easily. It was set up in a way that made it pleasing to the eyes because the stanzas were mostly the same length, consequently, making it easily followed.
The descriptions you used were very affective in delivering your point. The "false gold walls" in line 8 were a terrific description of the place and how she feels being there.
The descriptions weren't too in-your-face but they also weren't too flowery and sugar coated.
Despite the subject matter, I thoroughly enjoyed this poem. I felt as if I were watching this young woman go through this pain of not becoming all she could have, and ending up working in a brothel so to speak. The words and flow definately added to my enjoyment of reading this piece. If it would have been choppy and inconsistant in vocabulary, I wouldn't have enjoyed it as much.
From the beginning line, I was hooked. The "foreign fabrics" caught my eye. It was something I had never read before, so it was refreshing. Overall it was a very well-written piece, that is easily enjoyed.
Godd Job!
-MGS-