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for The Engine Styx

4/10/2010 c1 14improvisationallychallenged
Okay, I don't know if it's just because I've been back at my parents for too long, but I swear you've written the conductor's dialogue in a Welsh accent... :P

Pairing this up with Fired!, you've obviously got some really lovely, interesting ideas about interpretations of the afterlife, and if you keep it up to this standard, they're definitely worth pursuing. I love the idea that a river got upgraded to a railroad :D

The imagery here is particularly great - Emma's death, while squick-worthy, utilized a good balance of sensations, and as a whole, this was a treat to read :)

From WRR
3/29/2010 c1 Anise Cary
Well, not the whole falling thing, actually. She'd kind of liked that part. - UGH not me! that's my biggest fear

An electric shock of power, as if her whole body had just licked a 9-volt battery - excellent image, it's been ages since I've done that but I remember the feeling

She hit the ground with a sound reminiscent of wet meat slapping a tiled kitchen floor. - OK so I just had to read this line out loud to my 7th graders and the entire class cringed and went "uh" I'd say this little sensory detail goes over well :)

This place was oddly familiar. Though she couldn't quite remember when she'd been here last. Though, surely, she must have been here before. She felt it, deep inside. Some part of her remembered this place, even if her mind didn't. - hmm so kinda like reincarnation or the thought of being in that place before birth?

"Dying, I mean. Is this your first time bein' dead?" - hm again my thoughts go to reincarnation

"Didn't there used to be a river?" - excellent question

So the Big Guy thought he might as well get with the times, see? So he made the Engine Styx. - OK so I gotta laugh at the Big Guy getting with the times

Home, she thought. And she turned and looked out the window at the endless sea of white, and wondered what it would be like. - I wonder what it would be like too.

Great story, I can see why you won the WCC. I think you could make this a series of oneshots about just this girl and her lives or about others on the Engine. Anyway good job.

From WRR
1/19/2010 c1 14K.M.Simpson
Powerful and wonderful discriptive story. I like how you think and how you write. Good job with the effects of emotions and all too.

1/6/2010 c1 6Aero's Twin
Another brilliant concept. I really like how you approach the idea of death. I like how you described the falling. I could almost feel it, as if I was actually falling myself. The engine to replace the River Styx. I didn’t get it until he actually called it the Engine Styx in the story. That was a really cool idea. I don’t know, I guess the way you describe dying, and the experience after…you make it seem like you know what it’s like. That’s not easy to do. You’re a brilliant writer.

- Xerox of RH
1/4/2010 c1 2LadyLuck123
Wow, this is very creative! Your writing is really good. You caught the reader's attention right at the first line and held it all the way through. Good job!
1/4/2010 c1 8Pandora's Flight
I was really impressed by this :] It was very fluid and aesthetic. Good job!

[Dialogue] - I really enjoyed your dialogue. The old man's accent instantly gave depth to his character.

[Opening] - Your opening did a lot to grab the reader's attention. The short, emphasized fragments do a good job of this.

[Details] - A lot of the little details you added to the piece gave it voice. Things like her fall sounding like meat hitting the kitchen tile. And her feeling as though she just licked a nine-volt battery. You've done a good job keeping your writing style original and away from cliches, keep that up!

[Imagery] - The bits of imagery you added really gave your writing a lot of beauty.

My personal favorite was: "The world fell away, the size of a teardrop, and, suddenly, she was hurtling through space. Past planets and moons. Through cosmic bodies of light, intense and colorful. Spinning around galaxies and pockets of space debris."

Very nice :]
12/23/2009 c1 8ainedamdz
This is so great! I liked the concept. No wonder this story won! Congratulations :D

The first three words reminded me of what someone said in a Spawn Comics, though. hehe

Keep it up!~
12/18/2009 c1 4Darknessfalls-1120
This was really good! It is interesting to see another perspective on what happens after you die. I love the discription, it really created a mind movie for me. Great job^^
12/16/2009 c1 2Anarchist Tuberose
Congrats on winning the WCC! Here's my review:

Description: I loved the beauty of the descriptions and the minute details you captured. Phrases like 'licked a 9 volt battery' and 'Jackson Pollock painting' really made it come out clearly in my mind. Though I must say, I think your descriptions in the first half (when she was actually dying, they were very ahem, vivid) were better than the ones of the 'in transit' place.

Characters: I really liked the girl and the old man. It fit the story very well, having him come off as a comfortable sort of person, in a middleschool-janitor kind of way. The girl too, anonymous in a way, she could have been anyone and that fit the purposes of the story.

Pace: I really liked this story! Most stories of this story, leaning slightly on the longer end, with plenty of description and sort of leading-to-nowhere dialogue I tend to browse through, but this kept my attention. A mite slow, but over all it went well.

Plot: Semi-cliched in a way as I've gone through quite a few stories of this sort, but it was interesting what you made of the prompt. I confess I did something on suicide as well with the prompt. But it was very nicely handled.
12/13/2009 c1 172DefineBeauty
"Enlightened? Was that the word? Had to be" There should be a period after be.

The imagery used in this piece was very well done, i liked it alot =] it was very vivid and gave you clear images and sounds as to what was going on. here are my favorite ones:

"An electric shock of power, as if her whole body had just licked a 9-volt battery."

"She hit the ground with a sound reminiscent of wet meat slapping a tiled kitchen floor."

"It danced up her neck, her arms, her legs, through her fingers and toes. A wildfire. It bounced around inside her head like a pinball, smacking nerves and striking the walls of her skull with such a force that it cracked."

"As silent as the grave,"

I really liked the story itself. it has such interesting things in it and it really makes you think and makes you wonder. why did this girl fall? did she want to kill herself? what happened to the other passengers? what will happen to her? it's all very exciting and i really liked the way you did this =]

you had a great hook, and the tone went well. the flow was nice, although i do think you should cut back on some of the commas. alot of them are unneccessary and are distracting.

overall, this was an excellent piece and i liked it alot =]
12/12/2009 c1 13Nicki BluIs
I really enjoyed this piece. Great play on the theme. The idea of "transit" was expressed in many ways. I must say for a piece about death/dying it was very light and fun. I loved the idea of the big Guy modernizing the river styx XD Also the imagery was really great in the begining.

anyhow I wish you luck in WCC!

12/11/2009 c1 10Tegh
Wow...very interesting concept!

Definitely like the idea of it all, though there where a few odd parts that are never explained. In some ways that’s great while in others it is kind of daunting. For being a stand alone "AKA: One Shot" it was very nicely done. Though it did bring up a few of those odd and unexplained points it was justified by the rest of the story. A very interesting perspective on everything, and quite unique!
12/10/2009 c1 3bunnypopcorn
Wow, amazing :). The way you described how she felt when she died was really detailed and realistic. It's super hard to write about someone dying, 'cause nobody knows what it feels like to die XD. Props to you for that.

The way you described Heaven(?) was sort of fantasy-like, but at the same time very realistic :). I really liked this one. It's kinda got a happy feel :) Like when people die, they go to this place.

No criticism :).
12/8/2009 c1 29YasuRan
Interesting. Nice take on an old concept. I particularly liked the first bit where she's dying.
12/8/2009 c1 871no.peace.los.angeles
Interesting story. Definitely original, and very nice descriptions throughout; I could really see what was going on. I worry about the old man being maybe a little too contrived, but the idea is really unique, so that sets that off for me. Nicely done. Good luck in the WCC! Keep writing! :)
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