for High Revere2/19/2010 c4 
99Dreamers-Requiem
I don't know how I feel about him climbing into the bed beside her - it does seem a little bit random, especially as she is meant to be so important to them. I'm wondering if someone in his posistion would really risk her waking up and freaking out about it? To me, it just seems that he hasn't thought of the consequences.
99Dreamers-RequiemI don't know how I feel about him climbing into the bed beside her - it does seem a little bit random, especially as she is meant to be so important to them. I'm wondering if someone in his posistion would really risk her waking up and freaking out about it? To me, it just seems that he hasn't thought of the consequences.
1/9/2010 c3 1Jamie Ash
this bit made me laugh:
“Ma’am, the flight won’t be taking off for another 20 to 30 minutes. You don’t have to buckle up until that light comes on.”
“I know. I’m very safety conscious.”
i found that funny, and i'm liking maria more with every word i read. this was another very interesting chapter and i cant wait to read more! update soon!
-J.A
1Jamie Ashthis bit made me laugh:
“Ma’am, the flight won’t be taking off for another 20 to 30 minutes. You don’t have to buckle up until that light comes on.”
“I know. I’m very safety conscious.”
i found that funny, and i'm liking maria more with every word i read. this was another very interesting chapter and i cant wait to read more! update soon!
-J.A
1/9/2010 c2 Jamie Ash
Just thought i'd drop another review before i zoomed off to the next chapter. I loved how Andre and Tumaini are so animalistic. It's different and interesting. but anyway. Onwards!
Just thought i'd drop another review before i zoomed off to the next chapter. I loved how Andre and Tumaini are so animalistic. It's different and interesting. but anyway. Onwards!
1/9/2010 c1 Jamie Ash
Ahh, this sounds interesting :) I'm adding it to alerts. It was really well written and very enjoyable, i couldn't stop reading all the way until the end. The shape-shifter thing is fascinating. You main is very likeable already, i always love characters who have the clumsy trait. It's so endearing :3
There's something i noticed about your dialogue. just a punctuation error. You should always end dialogue with a comma if you put something like "I replied", "I said", "she laughed" or whatever on the end of it. EG.
“She will adapt.” I replied - "She will adapt," I replied.
Anyway, you're a really good writer. I cannot wait to read more :)
-J.A.
Ahh, this sounds interesting :) I'm adding it to alerts. It was really well written and very enjoyable, i couldn't stop reading all the way until the end. The shape-shifter thing is fascinating. You main is very likeable already, i always love characters who have the clumsy trait. It's so endearing :3
There's something i noticed about your dialogue. just a punctuation error. You should always end dialogue with a comma if you put something like "I replied", "I said", "she laughed" or whatever on the end of it. EG.
“She will adapt.” I replied - "She will adapt," I replied.
Anyway, you're a really good writer. I cannot wait to read more :)
-J.A.
1/8/2010 c2 WutNow
Hello again my friend
Though short, and mostly dialogue based, I thought it was a very good transition. However, I also felt that this chapter could have been incorporated in the first. It is a good addition but I thought it would have been more effective in the end of the first chapter.
Tweak:
“You don’t need me to go with you.” He growled.
“I’m still not okay with this.” He said stiffly as he straightened his shirt.
- After someone is talking, you put a comma, not a period. Once again, very minor error but I see it throughout this chapter. Try to adjust it and I think it will flow better :)
Paid in full!
-Agent
Hello again my friend
Though short, and mostly dialogue based, I thought it was a very good transition. However, I also felt that this chapter could have been incorporated in the first. It is a good addition but I thought it would have been more effective in the end of the first chapter.
Tweak:
“You don’t need me to go with you.” He growled.
“I’m still not okay with this.” He said stiffly as he straightened his shirt.
- After someone is talking, you put a comma, not a period. Once again, very minor error but I see it throughout this chapter. Try to adjust it and I think it will flow better :)
Paid in full!
-Agent
1/8/2010 c1 WutNow
Here from Roadhouse!
I owe you two beautiful reviews but before I say anything, I want to let you know that I am terrible at reviewing fantasy work (ask anyone at Roadhouse!). But I will try my best okay? And I apologize if I ask noobish questions :(
Overall, I thought you did a great job. I'm not accustomed into reading POV stories, like "Maria's POV" and "Tumaini." It's a little different and I'm getting used into reading in that format. I praise you for executing it in a very good way :).
Now, for the things you can tweak:
There were a few sentences in the chapter that had missing commas and unecessary commas. Here were a few examples to start off:
"I was so offset that by my third or forth trip around the room [add comma here] I bumped into one of the end tables in the spacious perimeter and nearly died [not literal I hope, maybe say "died of embarrassment?"]trying to pick the vase that I had knocked over off the ground.
"You are the most entertaining person I know [add comma] Maria.”
It is very minor, but try rereading and finding a few more spots to see it.
Anyway, off to chapter 2!
Here from Roadhouse!
I owe you two beautiful reviews but before I say anything, I want to let you know that I am terrible at reviewing fantasy work (ask anyone at Roadhouse!). But I will try my best okay? And I apologize if I ask noobish questions :(
Overall, I thought you did a great job. I'm not accustomed into reading POV stories, like "Maria's POV" and "Tumaini." It's a little different and I'm getting used into reading in that format. I praise you for executing it in a very good way :).
Now, for the things you can tweak:
There were a few sentences in the chapter that had missing commas and unecessary commas. Here were a few examples to start off:
"I was so offset that by my third or forth trip around the room [add comma here] I bumped into one of the end tables in the spacious perimeter and nearly died [not literal I hope, maybe say "died of embarrassment?"]trying to pick the vase that I had knocked over off the ground.
"You are the most entertaining person I know [add comma] Maria.”
It is very minor, but try rereading and finding a few more spots to see it.
Anyway, off to chapter 2!
1/5/2010 c3 1RetardedChicken
Love this! Maria's cool, kinda reminds me of me. I love your writing style and this is a really good supernatural! not like some sucky ones I've read before... GREAT WORK UPDATE SOON :D
1RetardedChickenLove this! Maria's cool, kinda reminds me of me. I love your writing style and this is a really good supernatural! not like some sucky ones I've read before... GREAT WORK UPDATE SOON :D
12/24/2009 c3 99Dreamers-Requiem
Finally had time to finish that last chapter. Still think it's really good, I love the way you've got them reacting to Maria's smell, and I think you've caught the kind of cross human/animal characters well. Can't wait to see more.
99Dreamers-RequiemFinally had time to finish that last chapter. Still think it's really good, I love the way you've got them reacting to Maria's smell, and I think you've caught the kind of cross human/animal characters well. Can't wait to see more.
12/22/2009 c1 Dreamers-Requiem
I really wish I had time to carry on reading right now; but as soon as I can I'll get onto chapter two. I love it already; you've built it up so well, and the start was just amazing! Like I said, will read more asap.
If you can, can you review either Play the Game or Into the Night? Cheers. (Roadhouse)
I really wish I had time to carry on reading right now; but as soon as I can I'll get onto chapter two. I love it already; you've built it up so well, and the start was just amazing! Like I said, will read more asap.
If you can, can you review either Play the Game or Into the Night? Cheers. (Roadhouse)
12/22/2009 c3 6Classy Broad
=Oh... This is the chapter where my mind finally realizes the setting is probably in Egypt. Sorry... Whoa cool Welcome Tradition for Maria there!
Oh... So there's a portal... Now I know why there are Elves. Nice! Cool ceremony. Ankhkhenemet? How do you pronounce that name? And pheromones... lol :D Anyways nice chapter I'm curious what's gonna happen in the Elven Celebration already! Oh yeah, you dont have to review this back, since I technically have just one chapter yet! See yah!
6Classy Broad=Oh... This is the chapter where my mind finally realizes the setting is probably in Egypt. Sorry... Whoa cool Welcome Tradition for Maria there!
Oh... So there's a portal... Now I know why there are Elves. Nice! Cool ceremony. Ankhkhenemet? How do you pronounce that name? And pheromones... lol :D Anyways nice chapter I'm curious what's gonna happen in the Elven Celebration already! Oh yeah, you dont have to review this back, since I technically have just one chapter yet! See yah!
12/22/2009 c2 Classy Broad
Hiya! Probably don't remember me, I just wanna check out your story again :) Oh Tumaini huh.? Sounds African. Is it? Hm So I have a few questions: Who was the guy Maria saw in Max's office? Oh, and are the Ubastic tribe, etc. immortals or just supernatural thingys? I must have missed something... Aside from that elves? Whoa.. nice.. Kinda reminds me of Ragna (..) Anyway You did an excellent job portraiyng the character's past. Good job! I'm still looking for some dialogue that was like was like from chap 1 Onto Chapter 3!
Hiya! Probably don't remember me, I just wanna check out your story again :) Oh Tumaini huh.? Sounds African. Is it? Hm So I have a few questions: Who was the guy Maria saw in Max's office? Oh, and are the Ubastic tribe, etc. immortals or just supernatural thingys? I must have missed something... Aside from that elves? Whoa.. nice.. Kinda reminds me of Ragna (..) Anyway You did an excellent job portraiyng the character's past. Good job! I'm still looking for some dialogue that was like was like from chap 1 Onto Chapter 3!
12/18/2009 c3 22Mizzuz Spock
I'm really likin' where this story is going. It's so different and refreshing from a lot of the other supernatural romances I've been reading lately... or writing, for that matter. *cries*
But, anyway. Once again, I enjoyed the dialogue. Maria is such a spaz. Love 'er. And Tumaini...hm, already getting jealous, is he? Well, this looks interesting. (On a side note, I have no idea how to pronounce "Ankhkhenemet," but it's a pretty kickass name.) xD
Hmm...really only found one mistake. In Maria's POV, towards the beginning: [I wondered in the Ubastic Tribe celebrated Christmas?] I'm guessing "in" should be "if?"
Anyways, all around, nice chapter. Ya done good! :D
22Mizzuz SpockI'm really likin' where this story is going. It's so different and refreshing from a lot of the other supernatural romances I've been reading lately... or writing, for that matter. *cries*
But, anyway. Once again, I enjoyed the dialogue. Maria is such a spaz. Love 'er. And Tumaini...hm, already getting jealous, is he? Well, this looks interesting. (On a side note, I have no idea how to pronounce "Ankhkhenemet," but it's a pretty kickass name.) xD
Hmm...really only found one mistake. In Maria's POV, towards the beginning: [I wondered in the Ubastic Tribe celebrated Christmas?] I'm guessing "in" should be "if?"
Anyways, all around, nice chapter. Ya done good! :D
12/18/2009 c2 Mizzuz Spock
Jeez. I feel so lazy. I'd been meaning to read this for awhile and just didn't have time! o.o
So, unfortunately, I didn't read the first draft of this chapter. (Or maybe that's a good thing?) So I don't know what's been changed. But, here's what I liked:
Dialogue. I'm a dialogue girl, what can I say? That's usually what makes me fall in love with a story, because dialogue is the best way a writer can really show the reader a character's true colors. And what you've got is great.
While I'm not necessarily a fan of the split-personality stories, I like what you've done here. Tumaini seems more down-to-earth than Maria, and I appreciate the difference in perspective a lot more than I thought I would.
I loved that scene with Andre. So much info, but it's revealed subtly through dialogue and I like the introduction of elves into this world of yours. It just keeps getting stranger, in the good way!
What I didn't like:
That glaring info-dump with Maria's file! x[
Is there any OTHER way to put this information in there? Hm...it could be just be a personal thing. (Look at most of my reviews and you'll notice I nitpick the info-dumping.) But I really didn't care for it much.
Can't wait to see how Maria is welcomed and how the relationship with Tumaini goes. (There will be a relationship, right?) xD
Jeez. I feel so lazy. I'd been meaning to read this for awhile and just didn't have time! o.o
So, unfortunately, I didn't read the first draft of this chapter. (Or maybe that's a good thing?) So I don't know what's been changed. But, here's what I liked:
Dialogue. I'm a dialogue girl, what can I say? That's usually what makes me fall in love with a story, because dialogue is the best way a writer can really show the reader a character's true colors. And what you've got is great.
While I'm not necessarily a fan of the split-personality stories, I like what you've done here. Tumaini seems more down-to-earth than Maria, and I appreciate the difference in perspective a lot more than I thought I would.
I loved that scene with Andre. So much info, but it's revealed subtly through dialogue and I like the introduction of elves into this world of yours. It just keeps getting stranger, in the good way!
What I didn't like:
That glaring info-dump with Maria's file! x[
Is there any OTHER way to put this information in there? Hm...it could be just be a personal thing. (Look at most of my reviews and you'll notice I nitpick the info-dumping.) But I really didn't care for it much.
Can't wait to see how Maria is welcomed and how the relationship with Tumaini goes. (There will be a relationship, right?) xD
12/16/2009 c1 6Devil's Playground
This is such an interesting idea for a story! You did a good job of giving all of the information that the reader needs about the Supernatural and such without being too in-your-face about it. The characterization was well done, too; the narrator already seems quite amusing and charming, and Sherona was absolutely hilarious.
All of the dialogue was great, very believable. Even though it's a Supernatural story, it has a good amount of realism and detail in there, too. Your writing flows well, and it's pleasant to read. This seems like an intriguing story! I plan on reading more soon. :)
6Devil's PlaygroundThis is such an interesting idea for a story! You did a good job of giving all of the information that the reader needs about the Supernatural and such without being too in-your-face about it. The characterization was well done, too; the narrator already seems quite amusing and charming, and Sherona was absolutely hilarious.
All of the dialogue was great, very believable. Even though it's a Supernatural story, it has a good amount of realism and detail in there, too. Your writing flows well, and it's pleasant to read. This seems like an intriguing story! I plan on reading more soon. :)
12/12/2009 c2 Random Hero Fan
Elves as well as shapeshifters? Col.
Short chapter, so short review. I can't believe how much I felt bad for Maria - I started to love her apartment as much as she does. LOL. And Tumaini and Andre's spat = rawr.
I hope there will be more of this, but until then,
RHF
Elves as well as shapeshifters? Col.
Short chapter, so short review. I can't believe how much I felt bad for Maria - I started to love her apartment as much as she does. LOL. And Tumaini and Andre's spat = rawr.
I hope there will be more of this, but until then,
RHF