for TicTock7/7/2010 c2 anon
I'll admit this revised version of the story is better. The story is clearer and more sensible. But this is fictionpress. It's okay to stumble in early chapters trying to get a feel for the story. Queen of Glass (a popular fictionpress epic) started as a cliche with Mary-Sue qualities. The author kept writing and eventually hit her stride. Just geting the story going allowed it to grow. Don't be too hard on yourself. You really have something good going here. (I do concede that the last incarnation of this story seemed to have just a little to much situational dramatic violence ect., and it interfered with the charactization-which I would presume is especially important in a fantasy/ time travel story, because the humanity of the characters it what binds the unbelievable to reality) I am very intersting in seeing the rest of this story. If people are overly harsh-remember it's just fictionpress and "haters gonna hate".
I'll admit this revised version of the story is better. The story is clearer and more sensible. But this is fictionpress. It's okay to stumble in early chapters trying to get a feel for the story. Queen of Glass (a popular fictionpress epic) started as a cliche with Mary-Sue qualities. The author kept writing and eventually hit her stride. Just geting the story going allowed it to grow. Don't be too hard on yourself. You really have something good going here. (I do concede that the last incarnation of this story seemed to have just a little to much situational dramatic violence ect., and it interfered with the charactization-which I would presume is especially important in a fantasy/ time travel story, because the humanity of the characters it what binds the unbelievable to reality) I am very intersting in seeing the rest of this story. If people are overly harsh-remember it's just fictionpress and "haters gonna hate".
7/7/2010 c1 anon
This is a first chapter. It's a witty, brief, to-the-point intoduction. The scene is set quite nicely and there is a very visual quality to the description that helps to bring the reader into the tale. It makes me want to read more...
This is a first chapter. It's a witty, brief, to-the-point intoduction. The scene is set quite nicely and there is a very visual quality to the description that helps to bring the reader into the tale. It makes me want to read more...
5/25/2010 c1 eiyuang999
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2/16/2010 c8 Malice-In-Dunderland
So I can't recall whether or not I reviewed the last chapter, but I'm assuming not, so I'm just going to get both out of the way (I'm assuming at this point that I didn't due to schoolwork). Anyway, I read both chapters, and I REALLY liked them. I like the "Old Lady" and how she basically is a huge contradiction to herself and Lord Caspar and a fuel for gossip (and the story plot, I'm assuming at this point. If you wanted to, you could have a lot of fun toying with her character, just an thought.) It's also very interesting how you've placed the idea that Sophie's not the only person to time travel to that period of time. One question that this new idea formed was whether or not they were there for a specific reason. After all, it can't be that they are there out of sheer coincidence. That would be too simple. :) I also like how the doctor not only has a strange name (that is completely awesome!), but seems to be interested in Sophie than that idea that she's just a monster. He definitely works in this story as a friend (or a person who doesn't necessarily want Sophie dead). My only question about this chapter is more or less to do with the plot. After the break from the Old Lady, you mention that Caspar is now in the library reading a book on religion and possible time travel. What brought him there and why did he choose that book out of all of the books in the library? Is he intent on solving Sophie's mystery, so to speak? Other than that, it's fine. :)
The next chapter (Monster no) I also enjoyed. I laughed when she mentioned Lord Caspar as "the monster in the corner." Also, I REALLY liked how you incorporated Lewis Carrol into the story. This gives the reader the modern standpoint of the story that is needed. Otherwise it's almost as if the reader understand the feeling that she is from the present, but the reader can't connect completely to the idea. Good job. Also, in contrast to that, good job with the whole idea that they were surprised that Sophie could read. In those times, that would have been a remarkable feat, so kudos. :) The only part where I became confused was at the very end, when she accuses him of punishing her for trying to see out the window. Why would he give her a book when he was punishing her? Was he trying to let her ponder over the idea that she might be evidence of the eighth day? Or would he have let her out for a little bit that day if he hadn't caught her at the window? Just curious. Otherwise, for now, it's totally fine.
Anyway, now that I've through now 2950 characters, I'll stop flooding this thing with comments. I can't wait to read the next chapter. This story is very intersting! :) 10/10
So I can't recall whether or not I reviewed the last chapter, but I'm assuming not, so I'm just going to get both out of the way (I'm assuming at this point that I didn't due to schoolwork). Anyway, I read both chapters, and I REALLY liked them. I like the "Old Lady" and how she basically is a huge contradiction to herself and Lord Caspar and a fuel for gossip (and the story plot, I'm assuming at this point. If you wanted to, you could have a lot of fun toying with her character, just an thought.) It's also very interesting how you've placed the idea that Sophie's not the only person to time travel to that period of time. One question that this new idea formed was whether or not they were there for a specific reason. After all, it can't be that they are there out of sheer coincidence. That would be too simple. :) I also like how the doctor not only has a strange name (that is completely awesome!), but seems to be interested in Sophie than that idea that she's just a monster. He definitely works in this story as a friend (or a person who doesn't necessarily want Sophie dead). My only question about this chapter is more or less to do with the plot. After the break from the Old Lady, you mention that Caspar is now in the library reading a book on religion and possible time travel. What brought him there and why did he choose that book out of all of the books in the library? Is he intent on solving Sophie's mystery, so to speak? Other than that, it's fine. :)
The next chapter (Monster no) I also enjoyed. I laughed when she mentioned Lord Caspar as "the monster in the corner." Also, I REALLY liked how you incorporated Lewis Carrol into the story. This gives the reader the modern standpoint of the story that is needed. Otherwise it's almost as if the reader understand the feeling that she is from the present, but the reader can't connect completely to the idea. Good job. Also, in contrast to that, good job with the whole idea that they were surprised that Sophie could read. In those times, that would have been a remarkable feat, so kudos. :) The only part where I became confused was at the very end, when she accuses him of punishing her for trying to see out the window. Why would he give her a book when he was punishing her? Was he trying to let her ponder over the idea that she might be evidence of the eighth day? Or would he have let her out for a little bit that day if he hadn't caught her at the window? Just curious. Otherwise, for now, it's totally fine.
Anyway, now that I've through now 2950 characters, I'll stop flooding this thing with comments. I can't wait to read the next chapter. This story is very intersting! :) 10/10
2/7/2010 c3 J.E.Wyatt
ok. This was REALLY my last chapter. Very much enjoyed the read, by the way. The long conversation between the hero and heroine was engaging. I like their bickering. And I also like how Sophie's dialogues are distinctively modern, while Caspar's is formal and "old-ish" English.
ok. This was REALLY my last chapter. Very much enjoyed the read, by the way. The long conversation between the hero and heroine was engaging. I like their bickering. And I also like how Sophie's dialogues are distinctively modern, while Caspar's is formal and "old-ish" English.
2/7/2010 c2 J.E.Wyatt
How in the world do you come up with these creative, out of the ordinary, plots? Love the twist of the past and fantasy. Makes me feel a bit more at home when reading. M and Caspar-I like, I like. I also like your sentence structuring. I find myself pausing now and then to study and learn from the way you arrange your words. Your writing flows so nicely.
Now. Time for bed. Will return for more when University isn't out to kill me.
How in the world do you come up with these creative, out of the ordinary, plots? Love the twist of the past and fantasy. Makes me feel a bit more at home when reading. M and Caspar-I like, I like. I also like your sentence structuring. I find myself pausing now and then to study and learn from the way you arrange your words. Your writing flows so nicely.
Now. Time for bed. Will return for more when University isn't out to kill me.
2/7/2010 c1 J.E.Wyatt
It is three a.m. I am bored. I am school tomorrow. An exam the day after. And here I am unable to resist reading your work. I just can't get enough of your writing. I love those little details-like about how she sighs and causes a ripple in her drink. Such lovely, smally, ordinary descriptions of every day life draw me so deeply into the story that I feel like I AM her. Anyway, am fascinated-reading on!
It is three a.m. I am bored. I am school tomorrow. An exam the day after. And here I am unable to resist reading your work. I just can't get enough of your writing. I love those little details-like about how she sighs and causes a ripple in her drink. Such lovely, smally, ordinary descriptions of every day life draw me so deeply into the story that I feel like I AM her. Anyway, am fascinated-reading on!
1/30/2010 c6 Malice-In-Dunderland
So I finished this chapter a couple days ago, but thanks to two of my classes thinking that my life should revolve around them 24/7, I only just NOW was able to review it. My apologies. Anyway, I really like the characterization with Curry in this chapter. He strongly believes in well, what he believes in, and he has a dialect which makes sense within this chapter. I also like how you have Lord Caspar and Sophie... They're not bonding, but they're slightly connecting as he studies what she shows him. Parts where people have to explain modern ideas to past-time people in stories usually bug me- the whole fact that the modern person grows frustrated over their lack of understanding, and their reactions to what they tell them. This one, not so much. Thank you for writing that part out well. Anyway, it's rounding out past 1:30, so bear with me, but I can't find anything that I can say that you can improve upon (and pardon the way I worded that, you are a VERY talented writer. It's just WAY past my bedtime and I can't think of any other word to use. I promise I'm not insulting you!) Also, I know you said this chapter was choppy, but I didn't feel it was choppy at all. Everything flowed well, so I must commend you on that. Anyway, this story still continues to catch my interest. Can't wait to read more! 10/10
So I finished this chapter a couple days ago, but thanks to two of my classes thinking that my life should revolve around them 24/7, I only just NOW was able to review it. My apologies. Anyway, I really like the characterization with Curry in this chapter. He strongly believes in well, what he believes in, and he has a dialect which makes sense within this chapter. I also like how you have Lord Caspar and Sophie... They're not bonding, but they're slightly connecting as he studies what she shows him. Parts where people have to explain modern ideas to past-time people in stories usually bug me- the whole fact that the modern person grows frustrated over their lack of understanding, and their reactions to what they tell them. This one, not so much. Thank you for writing that part out well. Anyway, it's rounding out past 1:30, so bear with me, but I can't find anything that I can say that you can improve upon (and pardon the way I worded that, you are a VERY talented writer. It's just WAY past my bedtime and I can't think of any other word to use. I promise I'm not insulting you!) Also, I know you said this chapter was choppy, but I didn't feel it was choppy at all. Everything flowed well, so I must commend you on that. Anyway, this story still continues to catch my interest. Can't wait to read more! 10/10
1/15/2010 c5 Malice-in-Dunderland
So... Just finished Part II: Murder and No Mercy. It was good. Very good description, very good characterization, and a very good yet fiesty peasant woman. I think that part added to how the townspeople felt about Miss Sophie, because up until this point, the only people who have expressed their uncertainty towards her presence are the military and political personel. Good job on that. I also enjoyed how you had her telling him what she believed happened to her. Granted, poor Lord Caspar will be extremely confused by that statement, but it was good for the plot enhancement. There were some typos in the story (I believe Spaniard has two different spellings, as well as grammatical errors throughout it), and there were a couple parts in which I became confused. For instance, "and she threw her arms out to him, but he made himself to stand still and not cower away." I think I understand what you're trying to say, but I don't think it's coming out the way you want it to. When you say that, I immediately think Sophie's trying to bring him into a hug. Perhaps a slight rephrasing would help it become more clear... Either than those couple of things (which, let me tell you, are QUITE miniscule, nothing to really worry about at all) there's nothing else wrong that I can find. Good job! I can't wait to read the next chapter. Oh, and if you're busy, quality is better than quantity. It might be contradictory to my previous statement about having chapters a little longer, but at the same time, it's better to have a good, well-thought out short chapter than a long, scatter-brained chapter. Anyway, good work! 10/10
So... Just finished Part II: Murder and No Mercy. It was good. Very good description, very good characterization, and a very good yet fiesty peasant woman. I think that part added to how the townspeople felt about Miss Sophie, because up until this point, the only people who have expressed their uncertainty towards her presence are the military and political personel. Good job on that. I also enjoyed how you had her telling him what she believed happened to her. Granted, poor Lord Caspar will be extremely confused by that statement, but it was good for the plot enhancement. There were some typos in the story (I believe Spaniard has two different spellings, as well as grammatical errors throughout it), and there were a couple parts in which I became confused. For instance, "and she threw her arms out to him, but he made himself to stand still and not cower away." I think I understand what you're trying to say, but I don't think it's coming out the way you want it to. When you say that, I immediately think Sophie's trying to bring him into a hug. Perhaps a slight rephrasing would help it become more clear... Either than those couple of things (which, let me tell you, are QUITE miniscule, nothing to really worry about at all) there's nothing else wrong that I can find. Good job! I can't wait to read the next chapter. Oh, and if you're busy, quality is better than quantity. It might be contradictory to my previous statement about having chapters a little longer, but at the same time, it's better to have a good, well-thought out short chapter than a long, scatter-brained chapter. Anyway, good work! 10/10
1/10/2010 c4 Malice-In-Dunderland
Okay, so I just read the first four chapters... I like it so far. I like how you've clearly stated that life in this "new" world is filthy, riddled with silly superstitions, and extremely political. I also like how you described her fall into this place, and everyone's reactions to it. That's one aspect I like about your story- everyone's reactions and feelings are well-displayed. I don't see that often enough in stories. Good job! Anyway, I think it's very interesting thus far, and will continue to read it. I always try to give some form of feedback so as to improve the story, so here goes... My only conundrum with this story isn't large. In chaper two, you mention how she awakes and immediately confronts them about who they are. I like that bit, it shows that she still believes herself to be in her time, but the part that confuses me was that Miss Sophie guesses them to be from the mob. My logical side is telling me that this bit doesn't make sense. In your first chapter you say that she's presenting a report on time travel to a group of scientists in order to receive more funding, and how the other groups, like terra-forming Mars receive more funding than she does. Obviously, this means that Sophie is a HIGHLY educated woman. No one does that sort of thing unless they have at LEAST a Master's degree, because they're working with the elite of the science field. If she is educated, then why is she asking these men whether or not they are from the mob? They ride horses, they wear strange, old-fashioned clothing, and carry swords. See my point here? Judging from appearances alone, if these men are from the mob, then they must have come from a Renaissance fair, or something. Unless it's dark, the word "mob" there doesn't necessarily make sense. Perhaps if you were to add that it was too dark to see or change the word it would make more sense. Unless you already mentioned that it was too dark to see and I didn't notice. If so, disregard what I just said. Otherwise, the story seems pretty good so far. I look forward to reading more of it! Also, sorry this review is so freakin' long! 10/10
Okay, so I just read the first four chapters... I like it so far. I like how you've clearly stated that life in this "new" world is filthy, riddled with silly superstitions, and extremely political. I also like how you described her fall into this place, and everyone's reactions to it. That's one aspect I like about your story- everyone's reactions and feelings are well-displayed. I don't see that often enough in stories. Good job! Anyway, I think it's very interesting thus far, and will continue to read it. I always try to give some form of feedback so as to improve the story, so here goes... My only conundrum with this story isn't large. In chaper two, you mention how she awakes and immediately confronts them about who they are. I like that bit, it shows that she still believes herself to be in her time, but the part that confuses me was that Miss Sophie guesses them to be from the mob. My logical side is telling me that this bit doesn't make sense. In your first chapter you say that she's presenting a report on time travel to a group of scientists in order to receive more funding, and how the other groups, like terra-forming Mars receive more funding than she does. Obviously, this means that Sophie is a HIGHLY educated woman. No one does that sort of thing unless they have at LEAST a Master's degree, because they're working with the elite of the science field. If she is educated, then why is she asking these men whether or not they are from the mob? They ride horses, they wear strange, old-fashioned clothing, and carry swords. See my point here? Judging from appearances alone, if these men are from the mob, then they must have come from a Renaissance fair, or something. Unless it's dark, the word "mob" there doesn't necessarily make sense. Perhaps if you were to add that it was too dark to see or change the word it would make more sense. Unless you already mentioned that it was too dark to see and I didn't notice. If so, disregard what I just said. Otherwise, the story seems pretty good so far. I look forward to reading more of it! Also, sorry this review is so freakin' long! 10/10
12/13/2009 c2 Ipaintwithwords
Lord Caspar, interesting how he perceives Sophie. It must be strange of course finding a strange woman lying on one's property, but gosh. He is rather hard to decipher so far.
Am looking forward to more of this story...:)
I might have missed it but how far back did she go?
:)
Lord Caspar, interesting how he perceives Sophie. It must be strange of course finding a strange woman lying on one's property, but gosh. He is rather hard to decipher so far.
Am looking forward to more of this story...:)
I might have missed it but how far back did she go?
:)
12/13/2009 c1 Ipaintwithwords
You have me intrigued with this idea. I like the prologue, lovely descriptions of Sophie's current time and place. Sophie a smart girl, I wonder how it will go for her when she goes back in time when things were so different...
:)
You have me intrigued with this idea. I like the prologue, lovely descriptions of Sophie's current time and place. Sophie a smart girl, I wonder how it will go for her when she goes back in time when things were so different...
:)