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for Sweet Ireland Air

10/26/2013 c22 Melissa
Please finish this story. I'm hooked and love everything about it... dying to know how it ends! Great work :)
7/9/2013 c22 Jen
Okay, I’m done! I hope you look over all the things I said and I hope I’ve been some help to you. The rest of the story (meaning, everything but the little issues I mentioned) is simply amazing. I’d really love to read more of this. Have a truly wonderful day, and I wish you much success in your writing!
7/9/2013 c15 Jen
* "At precisely 7:52 the next morning . . . " I think that's random and pointless and should be cut.
7/9/2013 c14 Jen
* "Though Rose would have been only half-coherent, where Chevy was very interactive and competent." That fragment ought to be attached to the previous sentence, don’t you agree?
7/9/2013 c8 Jen
* "Suddenly, Rhys’s voice cut in before Chevy could answer." I don't see the need for "suddenly," and it makes it sound awkward.
* "The word was blunt, and Chevy reacted with a wince. / She gathered up her clothes and held them in front of her as if to protect herself." I don't think these two sentences should be in separate paragraphs.
7/9/2013 c7 Jen
* "The joy in her face lifted his heart slightly, and pained his heart slightly." I think "slightly lifted and slightly pained his heart" would read more smoothly.
7/9/2013 c4 Jen
* "Not to that curious, lonely little face, the tiny little girl with the black hair and forlorn heart." You just used "forlorn." Not JUST like the previous sentence, but recently enough that you should find another word, as “forlorn” is not common enough to be used again so soon after.
* ". . . and empty box after empty box of pre-made food . . . " Shouldn't that be "box after empty box"?
7/9/2013 c3 Jen
* " . . . citrus, like oranges and sugar with the slight sourness of lemon to make it all the sweeter." Okay, what? Oranges are sweet, so I can't see how something could smell like oranges and sugar. It would just smell like oranges. Maybe very sweet oranges, but you'd never think of that as oranges and sugar, just as . . . very sweet oranges.
7/9/2013 c2 Jen
*"She could hear Bidelia humming in the kitchen as she limply flopped onto the bed, not caring that she was still fully dressed and she hadn't called her mother as instructed." That makes it sound like Bidelia's the one not caring and possibly even the one flopping onto the bed. Please rephrase to remove the ambiguity. (Not that it’s ambiguous in the sense that the reader can't figure out what's happening. It's just a bit of a garden-path sentence. Okay, not really; likely you’ll have readers who will read it the way it’s meant to be understood and not have a problem. But I’m sure many readers will have a moment of confusion as I did, however brief.)
7/9/2013 c1 Jen
* I'd suggest deleting "the one and only." It messed with the flow of an otherwise lovely first sentence.
* ". . . that by the age of nineteen a girl should be married." Use a synonym for "be married" ("married" was used just before).
* "Tad bit" is redundant.
* "There were less trees here . . . " - Fewer. Less would be fine in a lot of novels, but this story's writing style calls for perfect grammar.
7/9/2013 c22 Jen
I am really loving this. It’s well-written, and the plot is developing beautifully. It really shows a lot of promise! I don’t know if you’re working on this now, but I’d like to help you by pointing out some things that need sorting out, of which you ought to be aware:

* If he's so well-off, why has he not hired cleaning help? Needs clarification.
* Show more of Jonathan so we can understand what someone like Chevy saw in him.
* What about her family members who need her?
* Is it possible to foreshadow her father's death somehow? It's so sudden. It doesn’t flow with the story.
* Here’s a trivial one that’s easier to deal with than those general issues: how does she like her coffee anyway? In chapter 2 she had it black, but later she had it with cream/half-n-half (chapters 15 and 22).

I now plan to go chapter by chapter and tell you a few things that bugged or confused me as I read, which you should probably change.
3/31/2012 c22 2vmursili

I really like your story. I've read My Beloved as well. Before you removed it to edit. Lol.

You write really well.

Can't wait for the next chapter!

3/3/2011 c1 1Alicat05812
Ok all I have to say is this story is one of the most exhilarating stories I have read.
3/3/2011 c22 Genato
I like how the characters' relationships with each other are slow and flawed. I like the depth of emotion when Rhys compares Chevy with Rose. I'll review more when I get to read future chapters in your other website. Can't wait to read more! :)
3/2/2011 c1 marbles01
Hi. I really like this story and sometimes I have a hard time finding stories I like on fiction press. I am sorry that someone is copying you work.


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