for Haunted1/24/2010 c1 
43Dante's Disciple
Wow, that's like a metaphor overload. Which is great of course cause metaphors are beautiful things :)
The sense of despair and loss is overwhelming here so in regards to your comment at the end you definitley DONT need to make it more emotive.
I suppose a reason for the sadness other than general loss would have been nice, I'd like to know more about a character (even a nameless one) when I'm reading such intense feelings.
Overall though this is brilliant, and credit to you for making something so gripping out of pure emotion. Great work!
43Dante's DiscipleWow, that's like a metaphor overload. Which is great of course cause metaphors are beautiful things :)
The sense of despair and loss is overwhelming here so in regards to your comment at the end you definitley DONT need to make it more emotive.
I suppose a reason for the sadness other than general loss would have been nice, I'd like to know more about a character (even a nameless one) when I'm reading such intense feelings.
Overall though this is brilliant, and credit to you for making something so gripping out of pure emotion. Great work!
1/9/2010 c1 the lovely rebel
It's so sad and haunting, but your description is really wonderful. You can really feel her despair and her desperation. Good job :)
It's so sad and haunting, but your description is really wonderful. You can really feel her despair and her desperation. Good job :)
12/25/2009 c1 41Pink-Amethyst
i really like the metaphors. i'm a sucker for literary devices =) the level of sadness is good, but sometimes it got so repetitive that i lost track of the story. it was just sadness. good, though, and i'd like to see where it goes from here.
xoxo, Cassie
P.S. psst...if ya ever wanna go visit my page again, "Dear Santa" and "White Rose" are two of my faves and don't have any reviews *wink wink*
Merry Christmas!
41Pink-Amethysti really like the metaphors. i'm a sucker for literary devices =) the level of sadness is good, but sometimes it got so repetitive that i lost track of the story. it was just sadness. good, though, and i'd like to see where it goes from here.
xoxo, Cassie
P.S. psst...if ya ever wanna go visit my page again, "Dear Santa" and "White Rose" are two of my faves and don't have any reviews *wink wink*
Merry Christmas!
12/24/2009 c1 5i think that maybe
ba da ba ba.
mmph. ♥
this has that same haunted feel as when she whisper/sings over the silence.
the tone here is so fitting.
this- gah! lovelylovelylovelybrill- "I was imperfect, splintered and then splintered again, the pieces so tiny that they could never all be found, could never be put back together to create"
(one thing i loved as well- within all the serious and complex imagery and message, you take the time to poke fun at the disney-esque act of kissing girls to bring them to life. sly bit of humor :))
i think you capture the emotion well. it's cryptic in places but i like that and i think it adds to the tone, the piece itself
5i think that maybeba da ba ba.
mmph. ♥
this has that same haunted feel as when she whisper/sings over the silence.
the tone here is so fitting.
this- gah! lovelylovelylovelybrill- "I was imperfect, splintered and then splintered again, the pieces so tiny that they could never all be found, could never be put back together to create"
(one thing i loved as well- within all the serious and complex imagery and message, you take the time to poke fun at the disney-esque act of kissing girls to bring them to life. sly bit of humor :))
i think you capture the emotion well. it's cryptic in places but i like that and i think it adds to the tone, the piece itself
12/19/2009 c1 fleur de l'est
I like the form of writing! Not sure what one would call it; it looks like a monologue but isn't really, and it's not exactly a story either, but there's a story behind it. I like the way it starts off mysteriously and slowly unfolds, and becomes completely clear by the last line.
The descriptions are great and reinforce the idea of eternal darkness & never moving on.
Personally, I find this piece a bit too absolute, I don't like words like 'always' and 'never' (seem too romantic almost). But then I guess the words serve their purpose :)
I like the form of writing! Not sure what one would call it; it looks like a monologue but isn't really, and it's not exactly a story either, but there's a story behind it. I like the way it starts off mysteriously and slowly unfolds, and becomes completely clear by the last line.
The descriptions are great and reinforce the idea of eternal darkness & never moving on.
Personally, I find this piece a bit too absolute, I don't like words like 'always' and 'never' (seem too romantic almost). But then I guess the words serve their purpose :)
12/19/2009 c1 5Lady Livia
Are you aware that you're like... the best story writer that I know?
Even more than that. You're better than half the books i read that have been Published.
i demand you send some stuff off and get published!
This kinda made me cry.
I love you.
xx
5Lady LiviaAre you aware that you're like... the best story writer that I know?
Even more than that. You're better than half the books i read that have been Published.
i demand you send some stuff off and get published!
This kinda made me cry.
I love you.
xx
12/18/2009 c1 26Mirabella
I shall review as i go! :)
So many lovely words that you dont see everyday! I want them all!
I like the theme of insanity.
"I was simply bare feet following an aimless path into a wilderness" - this is an awesomely strong poetic line! Wonderful imagery, it's like poetry in prose. :)
Aw, she lost her child! You did that part very well. So sad.
"I was ripped apart and bleeding, labelled defective and deficient." - My gosh! You're brilliant! I feel so inferior and bow to your words! :) (Heh, that's a compliment!)
And you got to use 'asunder' and refer to Snow White! Go you!
"A kiss could never resurrect my empty soul" - very evocative. :)
And i like how you used the casket in the song as a cradle in your story. :)
"nameless through the insensitivity of time." - so vivid! I bet you could write poetry many would be jealous of!
"Despair lapped at my toes, beckoning me, willing me to join her quiet depths." - Holy schmolie guacamolie! Awesome.
And i really cannot see how it could be anymore emotive! It's so good! Although, actually, you could mention the child's name on the woman's dying lips as the last thing she says/thinks...
But my gosh woman! I LOVE it!
P.S. i thionk i am getting into the swing of long reviews!
26MirabellaI shall review as i go! :)
So many lovely words that you dont see everyday! I want them all!
I like the theme of insanity.
"I was simply bare feet following an aimless path into a wilderness" - this is an awesomely strong poetic line! Wonderful imagery, it's like poetry in prose. :)
Aw, she lost her child! You did that part very well. So sad.
"I was ripped apart and bleeding, labelled defective and deficient." - My gosh! You're brilliant! I feel so inferior and bow to your words! :) (Heh, that's a compliment!)
And you got to use 'asunder' and refer to Snow White! Go you!
"A kiss could never resurrect my empty soul" - very evocative. :)
And i like how you used the casket in the song as a cradle in your story. :)
"nameless through the insensitivity of time." - so vivid! I bet you could write poetry many would be jealous of!
"Despair lapped at my toes, beckoning me, willing me to join her quiet depths." - Holy schmolie guacamolie! Awesome.
And i really cannot see how it could be anymore emotive! It's so good! Although, actually, you could mention the child's name on the woman's dying lips as the last thing she says/thinks...
But my gosh woman! I LOVE it!
P.S. i thionk i am getting into the swing of long reviews!
12/18/2009 c1 Punslinger
I've seldom, if ever, read such an intense monologue of painful loss and mourning that can draw even the most life-hardened among us into the afflicted woman's agony. It isn't easy to portray depression and hopelessness without depressing readers. But you did it by providing catharsis for the pent-up emotional flood. My only criticism is that the solitary suffering was too prolonged. Another character might have helped, if only in the sense that "misery loves company."
I've seldom, if ever, read such an intense monologue of painful loss and mourning that can draw even the most life-hardened among us into the afflicted woman's agony. It isn't easy to portray depression and hopelessness without depressing readers. But you did it by providing catharsis for the pent-up emotional flood. My only criticism is that the solitary suffering was too prolonged. Another character might have helped, if only in the sense that "misery loves company."
12/18/2009 c1 Sir Scott
I've had heard of Poe the singer, but haven't listened to any of her stuff. Not really sure what add or take away from this piece to make better. Although, I would give it B+
~SirScott
I've had heard of Poe the singer, but haven't listened to any of her stuff. Not really sure what add or take away from this piece to make better. Although, I would give it B+
~SirScott