for Naturally1/31/2010 c2 
4HighOnBrokenWings
Haha. Andy was hilarious with the just stealing of the car thing.
Brilliant.
This one seems to be better written...somehow.
There were no massive paragraphs... Yeah. I have a short attention span for things like that. LOL! Ricky's friend is funny, I love gingas!
(I am so haircolorist.)
4HighOnBrokenWingsHaha. Andy was hilarious with the just stealing of the car thing.
Brilliant.
This one seems to be better written...somehow.
There were no massive paragraphs... Yeah. I have a short attention span for things like that. LOL! Ricky's friend is funny, I love gingas!
(I am so haircolorist.)
1/31/2010 c1 HighOnBrokenWings
Hey!
And you thought I was never going to read! Pfft. You have no faith in me! (She forgot...) :)
Sounds good! Though, I would advise not putting those authors notes in the middle, and just quote yourself and put it at the end.
Still, amazing for a twelve year old :)
There was no real indication to how old her sisters were, though, there was kind of a personality difference between them. Great :) Character development!
She sounds like she has a VERY unique dress sense :)
Onto the next chapter, I think.
Hey!
And you thought I was never going to read! Pfft. You have no faith in me! (She forgot...) :)
Sounds good! Though, I would advise not putting those authors notes in the middle, and just quote yourself and put it at the end.
Still, amazing for a twelve year old :)
There was no real indication to how old her sisters were, though, there was kind of a personality difference between them. Great :) Character development!
She sounds like she has a VERY unique dress sense :)
Onto the next chapter, I think.
1/1/2010 c1 smk123live.ca
Hey - thought I'd check out your story like you asked. Nice first chapter setting everything up. She seems an interesting character.
Can I make a few suggestions - nothing really major but...
1. In that first bit where she's telling all about herself, could you maybe split it into a bunch of paragraphs just for ease of reading?
2. Use more action tags rather than dialogue tags, especially when there's only 2 people in the scene. Once you establish that she talks, then he talks, you can leave off most of the "he said", "she answered" kind of stuff because we know the turn-taking rhythme of a conversation. Of course if there's more than 2 you have to include more he/she/names kind of stuff but again use actions rather than said/asked etc.
3. When you're writing in first person, you have to use a lot of "I's" but try to avoid starting too many sentences with them which is very hard to do I know!
Below I've copied a few of your sentences and put () around what I'm talking about.
e.g.
“Oh, sorry Andy.” he (said, letting = let) go, I sighed loudly, catching my breath. (I took = Taking*) the earphones out of my ears (and - I) shut off my iPod Touch and put the earphones inside my pocket under my tutu. (*THIS AVOIDS STARTING THE SENTENCE WITH 'I')
“Nice, bro. So, where’s this house of ours?” I (asked, walking= walked) ahead of him towards the entrance. He walked with me, matching my pace easily.
“About a half-an hour’s drive from here. It’s close to dad’s new station.” Drew (said, holding =held) the door for me to get out.
“Thanks. Well, what about my new high school?” I (asked, searching=searched) for his, or my car.
Anyway these are just suggestions. Keep writing! You're doing great, especially since you're 12!
Hey - thought I'd check out your story like you asked. Nice first chapter setting everything up. She seems an interesting character.
Can I make a few suggestions - nothing really major but...
1. In that first bit where she's telling all about herself, could you maybe split it into a bunch of paragraphs just for ease of reading?
2. Use more action tags rather than dialogue tags, especially when there's only 2 people in the scene. Once you establish that she talks, then he talks, you can leave off most of the "he said", "she answered" kind of stuff because we know the turn-taking rhythme of a conversation. Of course if there's more than 2 you have to include more he/she/names kind of stuff but again use actions rather than said/asked etc.
3. When you're writing in first person, you have to use a lot of "I's" but try to avoid starting too many sentences with them which is very hard to do I know!
Below I've copied a few of your sentences and put () around what I'm talking about.
e.g.
“Oh, sorry Andy.” he (said, letting = let) go, I sighed loudly, catching my breath. (I took = Taking*) the earphones out of my ears (and - I) shut off my iPod Touch and put the earphones inside my pocket under my tutu. (*THIS AVOIDS STARTING THE SENTENCE WITH 'I')
“Nice, bro. So, where’s this house of ours?” I (asked, walking= walked) ahead of him towards the entrance. He walked with me, matching my pace easily.
“About a half-an hour’s drive from here. It’s close to dad’s new station.” Drew (said, holding =held) the door for me to get out.
“Thanks. Well, what about my new high school?” I (asked, searching=searched) for his, or my car.
Anyway these are just suggestions. Keep writing! You're doing great, especially since you're 12!
12/29/2009 c4 6Batman is exotic
don't be too arrogant on the editing. No matter what age you are you can make mistakes. You didn't have any blaring mistakes that made me stop and laugh at how stupid they were but you did have some.
I'm still a bit confused on the point of this story or maybe i'm just slow. Anyways, it's a pretty good story.
ps. your age most definitely doesn't matter huns. No need to remind us :]. You are doing just fine with your editing and what not.
6Batman is exoticdon't be too arrogant on the editing. No matter what age you are you can make mistakes. You didn't have any blaring mistakes that made me stop and laugh at how stupid they were but you did have some.
I'm still a bit confused on the point of this story or maybe i'm just slow. Anyways, it's a pretty good story.
ps. your age most definitely doesn't matter huns. No need to remind us :]. You are doing just fine with your editing and what not.
12/26/2009 c1 Batman is exotic
i would enjoy a little more detail but that could just be me wanting answers to far too many questions. I like this story, so far. The characters seem to have unique personalities and i always enjoy a little character development added to a great story. Funny, i wear tutu's lol. I have a black one that i wear to school. My friends call me weird because of that but f* them. I'd like a little more character development as far as the family goes, specific personalities and styles. Some mistakes with grammar but not many.
Also i'd like to thank you for the many reviews on my story. Aha; you're 12? I just recently turned 13. :]
i would enjoy a little more detail but that could just be me wanting answers to far too many questions. I like this story, so far. The characters seem to have unique personalities and i always enjoy a little character development added to a great story. Funny, i wear tutu's lol. I have a black one that i wear to school. My friends call me weird because of that but f* them. I'd like a little more character development as far as the family goes, specific personalities and styles. Some mistakes with grammar but not many.
Also i'd like to thank you for the many reviews on my story. Aha; you're 12? I just recently turned 13. :]
12/24/2009 c2 7Writing Reality
Love it :)
Isn't Ricky the guy who saw andy through her window? lol
can't wait to read more!
-x-
Padmai -Hidden Assassin-
7Writing RealityLove it :)
Isn't Ricky the guy who saw andy through her window? lol
can't wait to read more!
-x-
Padmai -Hidden Assassin-
12/21/2009 c1 2Risse-Cup-Cullen
Wow, first of all: i like the beginning so far, can't wait to learn more about the 'manwhore' Ricky and to see their first day of school.
Also: haha about the whole Lucas and Kate thinf. I was reading it and when it said 'Lucas' i was like "hm..." and then it said 'his girlfriend Kate' and i was like "Hey! I read that story!" lol XD can't wait until the next chappie! Ciao!
2Risse-Cup-CullenWow, first of all: i like the beginning so far, can't wait to learn more about the 'manwhore' Ricky and to see their first day of school.
Also: haha about the whole Lucas and Kate thinf. I was reading it and when it said 'Lucas' i was like "hm..." and then it said 'his girlfriend Kate' and i was like "Hey! I read that story!" lol XD can't wait until the next chappie! Ciao!