for You're Not Here2/16/2010 c1 
6The Saturday Storytellers
As little as I can really say about poetry, the opening poem is very pretty.
"Heather stared at the window as she sat quietly in her bed." Do you mean in, or on?
""Heather?" Someone touched her shoulder, she looked up. It was her mom.
"Hmm?" she muffled, never tearing her eyes away from the window." Heather looks from the window to her mother, but then you say she doesn't take her eyes from the window.
I'd like to see a bit more clarification of Heather and her mother's personalities. The beginning of the story needs to show at least one of them doing something rather than simply having a conversation. At the moment it's hard to put Heather's misery and her mother's slightly hip optimism in context.
I'd say your writing needs a bit of polishing. So you either need a beta or to change the writing (copy and paste to Notepad or Word, change the font, upload it to FP without adding it to a story quite yet, something along those lines) to help you see the writing afresh. Then you might see a few clunky bits/grammatical issues you've missed. It's what I do and it works wonders.
"He's in a better place. It was the line her mom and other relatives were always feeding her. Better place? What 6 feet under the ground? " Fair comment :P
Again, with the new scene that opens, it's all dialogue and that makes the characters tricky to sort out, personalitywise. I reckon the story could benefit from having some action. I realise that this is a story based on emotions, but action - even if it's something fairly trivial - would help clarify and bolster the characters and make the whole story stronger.
I can't blame Heather for feeling the way she does. By the way, how old is she? I think knowing that would help to put her actions in context, too.
I'm not sure how I'd feel if my father died and mum married again, but if I decided I didn't want to get close to him then I'd hope he'd have the wisdom to keep a certain distance from me. I suspect that, given mutual understanding, it can be done. But his pushing for closeness... it's an interesting form of antagonism (he means well, I'm sure) and if there's any more of this story to come then I'll be interested to see what happens.
A very nice, and emotionally-charged, chapter. I think you should write more of this, if you can. If you've anywhere to take it.
- Pay back via Academy 7.
- From the Roadhouse.
6The Saturday StorytellersAs little as I can really say about poetry, the opening poem is very pretty.
"Heather stared at the window as she sat quietly in her bed." Do you mean in, or on?
""Heather?" Someone touched her shoulder, she looked up. It was her mom.
"Hmm?" she muffled, never tearing her eyes away from the window." Heather looks from the window to her mother, but then you say she doesn't take her eyes from the window.
I'd like to see a bit more clarification of Heather and her mother's personalities. The beginning of the story needs to show at least one of them doing something rather than simply having a conversation. At the moment it's hard to put Heather's misery and her mother's slightly hip optimism in context.
I'd say your writing needs a bit of polishing. So you either need a beta or to change the writing (copy and paste to Notepad or Word, change the font, upload it to FP without adding it to a story quite yet, something along those lines) to help you see the writing afresh. Then you might see a few clunky bits/grammatical issues you've missed. It's what I do and it works wonders.
"He's in a better place. It was the line her mom and other relatives were always feeding her. Better place? What 6 feet under the ground? " Fair comment :P
Again, with the new scene that opens, it's all dialogue and that makes the characters tricky to sort out, personalitywise. I reckon the story could benefit from having some action. I realise that this is a story based on emotions, but action - even if it's something fairly trivial - would help clarify and bolster the characters and make the whole story stronger.
I can't blame Heather for feeling the way she does. By the way, how old is she? I think knowing that would help to put her actions in context, too.
I'm not sure how I'd feel if my father died and mum married again, but if I decided I didn't want to get close to him then I'd hope he'd have the wisdom to keep a certain distance from me. I suspect that, given mutual understanding, it can be done. But his pushing for closeness... it's an interesting form of antagonism (he means well, I'm sure) and if there's any more of this story to come then I'll be interested to see what happens.
A very nice, and emotionally-charged, chapter. I think you should write more of this, if you can. If you've anywhere to take it.
- Pay back via Academy 7.
- From the Roadhouse.
1/22/2010 c1 4Darknessfalls-1120
This was very good, I could feel all the emotion that was in this and I felt really sad. My mother and father never married and I have step parents...if something were to happen to my dad and my step father steped in I would be an emotional reck. Hether on the other hand is handling things better than I would have, and I have to say that she is a strong girl.
If you do add anotherchapter I would be very delighted.
-Darknessfalls
From the Roadhouse
4Darknessfalls-1120This was very good, I could feel all the emotion that was in this and I felt really sad. My mother and father never married and I have step parents...if something were to happen to my dad and my step father steped in I would be an emotional reck. Hether on the other hand is handling things better than I would have, and I have to say that she is a strong girl.
If you do add anotherchapter I would be very delighted.
-Darknessfalls
From the Roadhouse
1/21/2010 c1 6MeAsIAm
For an opening chapter it was pretty swift. There should be some time before her mother is in some other relationship, right?
Jeff seems nice, but his dialogue,
"Gee, I'm sorry if that's what you think I am Heather..." that one was a bit too fast. I could not picturise him doing all that.
Some things were great, like:Time is merciless... It listens to no plea.
6MeAsIAmFor an opening chapter it was pretty swift. There should be some time before her mother is in some other relationship, right?
Jeff seems nice, but his dialogue,
"Gee, I'm sorry if that's what you think I am Heather..." that one was a bit too fast. I could not picturise him doing all that.
Some things were great, like:Time is merciless... It listens to no plea.
1/11/2010 c1 WutNow
Here from Roadhouse!
I really liked the plot of the story, though I found it odd that her father recently died and her mother already has someone with her. I thought that happened too swiftly. I think it would have been helpful if you added a time frame like etc- 6 months later or something like that.
I also liked the plot of the story, and I think it would be great if you continue the story as a chapter story instead of a one shot. It definitely has potential. I have read stories similarly to the topic though, but usually the kid falls for the step-dad in a weird way lol. Anyway, just wanted to give you my thoughts. Overall, I thought it was really sweet. I could see that you focused more on the home message rather than the vivid description you could have added, and I felt the awkwardness. Overall, good job
Things you can tweak:
What[?] 6 [Six] feet under the ground?
"What is it?" She asked [add comma] never taking her eyes away from the notebook.
-Agent
Here from Roadhouse!
I really liked the plot of the story, though I found it odd that her father recently died and her mother already has someone with her. I thought that happened too swiftly. I think it would have been helpful if you added a time frame like etc- 6 months later or something like that.
I also liked the plot of the story, and I think it would be great if you continue the story as a chapter story instead of a one shot. It definitely has potential. I have read stories similarly to the topic though, but usually the kid falls for the step-dad in a weird way lol. Anyway, just wanted to give you my thoughts. Overall, I thought it was really sweet. I could see that you focused more on the home message rather than the vivid description you could have added, and I felt the awkwardness. Overall, good job
Things you can tweak:
What[?] 6 [Six] feet under the ground?
"What is it?" She asked [add comma] never taking her eyes away from the notebook.
-Agent
1/7/2010 c1 Stanleylouis
Stanleylouis, returning a review. Finally. :D
This was really sad! I can really see this happening, and your writing makes it easy for Heather's pain to flow into you. Good job! I didn't notice a couple of grammatical errors, but they didn't really pop out to me. :)
Stanleylouis, returning a review. Finally. :D
This was really sad! I can really see this happening, and your writing makes it easy for Heather's pain to flow into you. Good job! I didn't notice a couple of grammatical errors, but they didn't really pop out to me. :)
12/28/2009 c1 1RetardedChicken
... So sad but its what many people have to go through and you portrayed it well. She really does have to try and deal with it.
1RetardedChicken... So sad but its what many people have to go through and you portrayed it well. She really does have to try and deal with it.
12/27/2009 c1 Palm Tree
This was really sweet. It was relatively predictable as far as the step-parent versus biological parent scenario goes, but I enjoyed it nonetheless. You portrayed Heather's emotions very well, with things like her fixation on the rain, her calling it a perfect day, and her italicized thoughts. The whole thing worked brilliantly to make it easy to feel for Heather and understand her views. As I said before, it was predictable but, thinking it over, I'm convinced that's mainly because it was true to life. This is pretty much exactly how those things tend play out. Heather's reflections did a wonderful job of coloring in some background to the situation and I really benefited from that. The chapter's ending stuck out to me as very good due to all the meaning that was packed behind so few words. The drastic change in Heather's mood at that point was smooth and, as the reader, I too felt able to move on and ready to see how she adapts to this new form of family.
I'm fairly convinced that this should be extended into a two-shot so that some loose ends can be tied up. Of course, that could be done by simply inserting a line at the very end of this chapter that gives the impression that she's taking the initiative. For instance, something like she calls out to Jeff to maybe ask if they can go see a movie or something. XD; I dunno, but something like that would work just as well as a two-shot if not better.
This was really sweet. It was relatively predictable as far as the step-parent versus biological parent scenario goes, but I enjoyed it nonetheless. You portrayed Heather's emotions very well, with things like her fixation on the rain, her calling it a perfect day, and her italicized thoughts. The whole thing worked brilliantly to make it easy to feel for Heather and understand her views. As I said before, it was predictable but, thinking it over, I'm convinced that's mainly because it was true to life. This is pretty much exactly how those things tend play out. Heather's reflections did a wonderful job of coloring in some background to the situation and I really benefited from that. The chapter's ending stuck out to me as very good due to all the meaning that was packed behind so few words. The drastic change in Heather's mood at that point was smooth and, as the reader, I too felt able to move on and ready to see how she adapts to this new form of family.
I'm fairly convinced that this should be extended into a two-shot so that some loose ends can be tied up. Of course, that could be done by simply inserting a line at the very end of this chapter that gives the impression that she's taking the initiative. For instance, something like she calls out to Jeff to maybe ask if they can go see a movie or something. XD; I dunno, but something like that would work just as well as a two-shot if not better.
12/27/2009 c1 12BangxDitto
Man-I was not too happy over Jeff's "The death thing..." comment, but then he regained my neutral whatever afer saying he wasn't forcing himself to be friends with Heather.
Though I definitely think really recently after a death-espeically if said person is close to the one who died-don't try to be buddy-buddy right away. Cause they'll end up doing just what you wrote.
I hope you make it a two-shot. And, maybe make the locket have another role in the story? So I don't just automatically think "Oh look, another story that has a locket in it...that makes..."
Sorry if that sounded mean. ^/^
12BangxDittoMan-I was not too happy over Jeff's "The death thing..." comment, but then he regained my neutral whatever afer saying he wasn't forcing himself to be friends with Heather.
Though I definitely think really recently after a death-espeically if said person is close to the one who died-don't try to be buddy-buddy right away. Cause they'll end up doing just what you wrote.
I hope you make it a two-shot. And, maybe make the locket have another role in the story? So I don't just automatically think "Oh look, another story that has a locket in it...that makes..."
Sorry if that sounded mean. ^/^
12/27/2009 c1 14K.M.Simpson
Aw This is adorably sad, but I can tell it will make a perfect story, I like the scenery on whats happeneing and all where you get to feel her emotions is brillaint and understandable. Great stuff.
-K.M.Simpson.
14K.M.SimpsonAw This is adorably sad, but I can tell it will make a perfect story, I like the scenery on whats happeneing and all where you get to feel her emotions is brillaint and understandable. Great stuff.
-K.M.Simpson.
12/27/2009 c1 1Eiya Weathes
A sweet yet emotional start. I have to agree with Angel's Requiem. It is cliche yet you pulled it off.
You're really good in placing yourself in your character's shoes.
- .@. Amethyst Penn
1Eiya WeathesA sweet yet emotional start. I have to agree with Angel's Requiem. It is cliche yet you pulled it off.
You're really good in placing yourself in your character's shoes.
- .@. Amethyst Penn
12/26/2009 c1 6Devil's Playground
The idea of this is pretty cliche to start with, but you pull it off well. The thing about this that really stands out to me is how strikingly realistic it is. A lot of writers portray grief in a really melodramatic way that feels so fake and is just annoying to read. But in this, I think the mixture of regret and guilt and irritation with everyone is perfect. It made it a lot more effective in conveying the emotion.
My only complaint about this is that it moves too fast. I think if you slowed down the pacing and included more description - more about Heather's thoughts, sensory details, the setting, etc. - it would be more impactful and help set the mood.
Overall, I enjoyed this. I think that it works well as a one-shot, but I'd be interested in seeing what else you could do with a two-shot.
6Devil's PlaygroundThe idea of this is pretty cliche to start with, but you pull it off well. The thing about this that really stands out to me is how strikingly realistic it is. A lot of writers portray grief in a really melodramatic way that feels so fake and is just annoying to read. But in this, I think the mixture of regret and guilt and irritation with everyone is perfect. It made it a lot more effective in conveying the emotion.
My only complaint about this is that it moves too fast. I think if you slowed down the pacing and included more description - more about Heather's thoughts, sensory details, the setting, etc. - it would be more impactful and help set the mood.
Overall, I enjoyed this. I think that it works well as a one-shot, but I'd be interested in seeing what else you could do with a two-shot.
12/26/2009 c1 16antiwritesthings
sweet way to open up the story with that kick-ass poem.
i really dig this storyline so i obviously can't wait for u to update this 1 lol.
awesome job ;D
16antiwritesthingssweet way to open up the story with that kick-ass poem.
i really dig this storyline so i obviously can't wait for u to update this 1 lol.
awesome job ;D
12/26/2009 c1 9Experiment101
awe this is sad. well writen can easily connect with the poor girl. I know people who have had to deal with things like this, this was a good read.
9Experiment101awe this is sad. well writen can easily connect with the poor girl. I know people who have had to deal with things like this, this was a good read.
12/23/2009 c1 2fudgyvmp
Well this seems good. You get the irritation of someone in mourning portrayed well. I cannot think of much to improve on here except you have a few grammatical errors but who does; it is not as if we notice this stuff typing away at our stories and poetry. If you do a second half, I would love to read it so I can give a fuller commentary. Seems like the character is already dynamic since she is trying to keep the peace,
2fudgyvmpWell this seems good. You get the irritation of someone in mourning portrayed well. I cannot think of much to improve on here except you have a few grammatical errors but who does; it is not as if we notice this stuff typing away at our stories and poetry. If you do a second half, I would love to read it so I can give a fuller commentary. Seems like the character is already dynamic since she is trying to keep the peace,