7/7/2010 c2 4Frayling0
Just to say, high jacking near the end should be one word - hijacking. Otherwise interesting chapter. I like how the narrative intensified nearer the end, a nice and effective hook for the next chapter. I'd like to see more development with the characters so hopefully we'll see some of that in future chapters. All together promising, and I'm still enjoying the fact you have such a unique setting here. Hovercrafts woo! Great work :) ~ Luke

6/10/2010 c1 Zee-Grammar-Nazi
I haven't read the story yet, but I already have some gripes about it. Your summary is completely grammatically incorrect. You should really fix that.

"The family treasure which was burried some where on earth. Was left in a will by their great grand dad for both of them to share."- This should all be one sentence. "The family treasure which was BURIED somewhere on earth was left in a will by their great-grand dad for both of them to share."

"Each have a part of a map that would LEAD them to the family treasure."

You should fix this, because it might dissuade readers from coming in to read it if there are so many grammar mistakes just in the summary alone.

6/8/2010 c5 1esthaelum
Oh my. That was freaky.. Did they eat the humans or something? Wow. I didn't expect that... I loved how you described how he licked his lips like a wild dog. I thought that was a cool (and if not slightly scary) image. *shudders*

From the Roadhouse~

Pretty please repay via The Unwanted?

6/3/2010 c3 esthaelum
Yeah, I can see an improvement in the grammar in this chapter! There are time when you forgot to put in quotation marks in their speeches, and it lacked commas, but it wasn't too distracting. As always, the conversations are fun, and all your characters are wonderful =D I like how you described their clothing and appearances. It was a great way for me to picture them clearly in my head!

From the Roadhouse~

5/26/2010 c1 esthaelum
I love the carefree humour in here. Sid was a nice, funny character to read about. His relationship and conversation with his brother, Anthony was a nice way to add humour into this chapter. They're like the typical bickering brothers, aren't they? I'm interested to see how this story will go. It's a great starting chapter, introducing us to the characters and the story. Nice so far.

From the Roadhouse ~

5/26/2010 c7 Kobra Kid
Short but sweet! I love it! :D. Executioner's Rock, sweet name! Off to the next chapter!

-B. Cross

3/29/2010 c4 21RentBoheme
This was an interesting chapter. I mean, we knew from previous chapters that Anthony would catch them, but it was still interesting to see their responses to that. I'm curious as to where this story's going to go next. One thing you could improve on is making the changes in point of view more clear. Maybe make them clear by skipping a line and putting some asterisks (*) so that it's clear that you're shifting to someone else.

3/12/2010 c8 Palm Tree
GAH. This took me so long to get to but I’m finally here and I’m so happy that I’ve gotten to read this final chapter of yours. Really, I’ve grown attached to your characters and this was definitely a dramatic finale, and a great way to lead into a sequel. Still, I have a few suggestions.

First, I think the pace was a bit too fast and that suspense was foregone because of it. So, if this the chapter were slowed down, at least before Anthony makes his presence known, then I think you could easily build up some wicked suspense that’ll make this climax seem all the more exciting.

Another thing I want to point out is that I think you may want to incorporate some more on Segihara’s relationship with Sid and Samuel, either in earlier chapters or something. I say this because a big part of the climax was his getting wounded and put at risk. I loved the reactions given by everyone to that, but considering how little Segihara has done thus far (based at least on what the reader’s seen) it seemed a bit overblown even though I know it isn’t.

Finally, I have a technical nitpick regarding the care given to Segihara and his bullet wound. Despite what movies tell you, it’s actually much more dangerous to remove the bullet than to leave it in because removing the bullet allows whatever blood vessels it’s severed to bleed freely. Thus, in most cases, the removal actually increases the risk of dying from blood loss. A few claim the bullet should be removed to reduce the risk of infection. However, that is false as a bullet reaches incredible temperatures once fired so, essentially, it is the cleanest piece of metal that will ever touch, let alone enter, a person’s body. The best way to treat the wound would be to apply pressure to stop the bleeding. If the bullet is to be removed at all it should be done in a sterile environment by well equipped doctors, but many people in real life (even a US president) have never bothered with such surgery as, unless the bullet threatens internal organs, it isn’t necessary.

Anyway, all that aside, I really, really enjoyed the chapter and cannot wait for your sequel. PLEASE POST IT SOON!

(“The fog was unforgiving; thick as pea soup.”)—The semicolon should be a comma, and I love this simile by the way!

(“Anthony walked forward, his step quick as his draw, aiming the pistol at his older brother.”)—I think the “aiming the pistol” bit should be reworded to read “and aimed the pistol” as it’s easier to understand.

(“his hands became bloodied, they were now tainted.”)—“His” should be capitalized, and the comma should be a semicolon.

(“He shrugged, and handed his brother, a double barrel flintlock shot gun, with a steam component…”)—The last two commas here are unnecessary.