for Harper High11/15/2010 c1 
3E. Miranda Hernandez
I felt like I was high school all over again-the catiness, the self-consciousness, the struggle to find your place. It's interesting that the main character seems to not be a super-nice person, but we still get pretty invested in her.
I especially liked the metafictional moment in paragraph 9, where the narrator talks about this being a chapter in her life/story. This is funny, and helps establish the tone of the rest of the piece.
3E. Miranda HernandezI felt like I was high school all over again-the catiness, the self-consciousness, the struggle to find your place. It's interesting that the main character seems to not be a super-nice person, but we still get pretty invested in her.
I especially liked the metafictional moment in paragraph 9, where the narrator talks about this being a chapter in her life/story. This is funny, and helps establish the tone of the rest of the piece.
8/23/2010 c6 99Dreamers-Requiem
Hmm, after reading that, I think you could have added chapter 5 onto the start of this, maybe? Anyway, I like how we get to see a bit of her interaction with her father at the start; it's kind of no surprise that she's a daddy's girl :P I think there's a lot you could expand on there, too - I can imagine that, as a kid, she was spoilt quite a lot by her dad? Maybe show that a bit more in later chapters?
Anyway, the interactions between Christiana and Sierra work really well; it's hard to tell with Sierra where she stands, if she knows what Christiana is up to etc, and I think you've shown that well.
99Dreamers-RequiemHmm, after reading that, I think you could have added chapter 5 onto the start of this, maybe? Anyway, I like how we get to see a bit of her interaction with her father at the start; it's kind of no surprise that she's a daddy's girl :P I think there's a lot you could expand on there, too - I can imagine that, as a kid, she was spoilt quite a lot by her dad? Maybe show that a bit more in later chapters?
Anyway, the interactions between Christiana and Sierra work really well; it's hard to tell with Sierra where she stands, if she knows what Christiana is up to etc, and I think you've shown that well.
8/20/2010 c5 Dreamers-Requiem
Hm, a little short, this chapter feels more like a filler than anything else. Nothing seems to really happen...
Although, saying that, it is a good chapter and gives us a strong insight into the way her mind works. Still, I think you could have intergrated this into the next chapter, or something?
'D and Sierra were dating' - maybe its because it's been so long since I read the last chapter, but I didn't realise they were dating? Maybe I missed something? Hm.
Hm, a little short, this chapter feels more like a filler than anything else. Nothing seems to really happen...
Although, saying that, it is a good chapter and gives us a strong insight into the way her mind works. Still, I think you could have intergrated this into the next chapter, or something?
'D and Sierra were dating' - maybe its because it's been so long since I read the last chapter, but I didn't realise they were dating? Maybe I missed something? Hm.
8/17/2010 c1 45deefective
Hmm. Interesting start to a story. It's not exactly the most engaging but I liked how you gave us an overview of Christiana's personality right away. You established some of her most dominant traits already and I really saw her personality in this, which can be hard for a first chapter. I also liked the fact that she's not extremely likeable. She's got spunk and attitude and a negative side, which I never see often enough in female characters. Good to know she's not perfect. As for the scene, it carried on a little awkwardly but not so much that it was choppy. Just not as smooth as it could be. The dialogue wasn't very believable but just because it sounds like something out of a movie, very scripted. But it's not neccessarily a bad thing. Anyway, nicely done.
45deefectiveHmm. Interesting start to a story. It's not exactly the most engaging but I liked how you gave us an overview of Christiana's personality right away. You established some of her most dominant traits already and I really saw her personality in this, which can be hard for a first chapter. I also liked the fact that she's not extremely likeable. She's got spunk and attitude and a negative side, which I never see often enough in female characters. Good to know she's not perfect. As for the scene, it carried on a little awkwardly but not so much that it was choppy. Just not as smooth as it could be. The dialogue wasn't very believable but just because it sounds like something out of a movie, very scripted. But it's not neccessarily a bad thing. Anyway, nicely done.
1/10/2010 c4 22Mizzuz Spock
The Mean Girls reference made me smile. x3
[As the class went on and we sang random warm ups about our mothers making us mash up our m&ms...] Ah! This line is a lot of fun. I love alliteration warm-ups, even if I can never actually do them... I think both M's should be capitalized though in "M&Ms." It looks weird, but it's a brand name, so I think capitlization would be right. ;]
[I stared at the note for about three minutes, confused about whether I should be happy he wanted to talk to me, or heated that he called me Christina.] I think this was a great line.
And...oh. Snap. DRAMA! Yeah. *does happy dance* And RIGHT AFTER Chris and Sierra had that little talk yesterday... I knew Sierra wasn't being truthful. And now I can't wait to see what kind of horrible things Christiana does to get back at her for stealing D...
Fun chapter. Writing-wise, I couldn't find any mistakes other than the M&M one. Grammar was good, character set-up fun, and the ending was done pretty well. :]
22Mizzuz SpockThe Mean Girls reference made me smile. x3
[As the class went on and we sang random warm ups about our mothers making us mash up our m&ms...] Ah! This line is a lot of fun. I love alliteration warm-ups, even if I can never actually do them... I think both M's should be capitalized though in "M&Ms." It looks weird, but it's a brand name, so I think capitlization would be right. ;]
[I stared at the note for about three minutes, confused about whether I should be happy he wanted to talk to me, or heated that he called me Christina.] I think this was a great line.
And...oh. Snap. DRAMA! Yeah. *does happy dance* And RIGHT AFTER Chris and Sierra had that little talk yesterday... I knew Sierra wasn't being truthful. And now I can't wait to see what kind of horrible things Christiana does to get back at her for stealing D...
Fun chapter. Writing-wise, I couldn't find any mistakes other than the M&M one. Grammar was good, character set-up fun, and the ending was done pretty well. :]
1/9/2010 c4 99Dreamers-Requiem
I'm wondering, if Devon and Sierra have known each other for a while, why would he ask Christiana to talk to Sierra for him?
Anyway, I did like that chapter, and it was good to see her morning routine - it's the sort of thing that can give you a really good insight into a character.
99Dreamers-RequiemI'm wondering, if Devon and Sierra have known each other for a while, why would he ask Christiana to talk to Sierra for him?
Anyway, I did like that chapter, and it was good to see her morning routine - it's the sort of thing that can give you a really good insight into a character.
1/8/2010 c1 WutNow
Here from Roadhouse!
Wow, I really liked Christiana's spunk. I would never have the guts to speak back to another person like she did. She left such a bold impression, and you can already tell that she stood her ground. She has full control of those around her, how manipulative and sneaky. Overall, I thought it was well written in digestable chunks- not too little, not too overwhelming. I thought the pacing was good, in exception from the beginning which kind of threw me off and made it feel as if it were forced. It all began when she started describing the boy. I felt as if the introduction of the boy seemed a little forced- maybe it is just me and I apologize if I missed anything.
Hmm, I also liked the idea that they expressed their personalities through language- a little "show not tell" is always a pleasing thing to read, especially when its describing the character. Overall, you're doing famously :)
Oh, Devon! My main character in my story is named Deven lol XD Such beautiful names eh?
-Agent
Here from Roadhouse!
Wow, I really liked Christiana's spunk. I would never have the guts to speak back to another person like she did. She left such a bold impression, and you can already tell that she stood her ground. She has full control of those around her, how manipulative and sneaky. Overall, I thought it was well written in digestable chunks- not too little, not too overwhelming. I thought the pacing was good, in exception from the beginning which kind of threw me off and made it feel as if it were forced. It all began when she started describing the boy. I felt as if the introduction of the boy seemed a little forced- maybe it is just me and I apologize if I missed anything.
Hmm, I also liked the idea that they expressed their personalities through language- a little "show not tell" is always a pleasing thing to read, especially when its describing the character. Overall, you're doing famously :)
Oh, Devon! My main character in my story is named Deven lol XD Such beautiful names eh?
-Agent
1/7/2010 c3 6ephemeral dance
[I was the smart one, and the most talented.] Well, isn't she modest.
I'm definitely feeling Kristen; she's sweet. Christiana and Gina... yeah, it's going to take a while for me to warm up to them.
Anyway, I guess the plot is going to get started now! Does this mean that Devon will now be a more active part of the story? And Maria? 8D Because I love Maria.
Can't wait for another update!
6ephemeral dance[I was the smart one, and the most talented.] Well, isn't she modest.
I'm definitely feeling Kristen; she's sweet. Christiana and Gina... yeah, it's going to take a while for me to warm up to them.
Anyway, I guess the plot is going to get started now! Does this mean that Devon will now be a more active part of the story? And Maria? 8D Because I love Maria.
Can't wait for another update!
1/7/2010 c2 ephemeral dance
Okay, is the reader SUPPOSED to like Christinia? Or are we supposed to find her to be kind of ridiculous and annoying, and then loads of character development/growth will make us love her as a person? Because idk. I'm definitely liking Sierra a lot, though; she's really sweet and I love the history she has with Devon!
Okay, is the reader SUPPOSED to like Christinia? Or are we supposed to find her to be kind of ridiculous and annoying, and then loads of character development/growth will make us love her as a person? Because idk. I'm definitely liking Sierra a lot, though; she's really sweet and I love the history she has with Devon!
1/7/2010 c1 ephemeral dance
Nitpicky shtuff:
[Ms. Nocut was at the front of the chorus room explaining her little "its the first day of school, so lets get to know each other better" game.] "it's" and "let's."
Overall, your style is pretty good. Very casual, teenage novel-like, so it's perfect for this type of story.
I honestly don't really like Christiana that much. I normally go for/write unlikable narrators, but so far I haven't picked up on any redeeming qualities of hers. I'm sure that will change; character growth and all that. Is she going to use Sierra to get closer to Devon? Because that's the way it's looking.
I can't wait to see more of the rivalry/hatred between Maria and Christiana. 8D
Nitpicky shtuff:
[Ms. Nocut was at the front of the chorus room explaining her little "its the first day of school, so lets get to know each other better" game.] "it's" and "let's."
Overall, your style is pretty good. Very casual, teenage novel-like, so it's perfect for this type of story.
I honestly don't really like Christiana that much. I normally go for/write unlikable narrators, but so far I haven't picked up on any redeeming qualities of hers. I'm sure that will change; character growth and all that. Is she going to use Sierra to get closer to Devon? Because that's the way it's looking.
I can't wait to see more of the rivalry/hatred between Maria and Christiana. 8D
1/6/2010 c3 22Mizzuz Spock
[“I, Christiana Harper, do solemnly swear, that I shall not today plot for the destruction of the innocents.”] Love it, love it, love it!
The dialogue in this chapter felt extremely believable between the three friends. Personally, I find it really hard to keep my characters' personalities separate in dialogue, so whenever I see writing like this, I just have to smile and have one of those "wow" moments, because I know I'm witnessing someone do something I may never be able to do. It's like someone in a wheelchair watching someone run, you know?
Only one mistake I spied with my little eye: [“Don’t use the voice on me, ok Kris? Nobody’s going to get hurt.”]
"ok" should be "okay" or "OK." Those are the grammatically correct ways, anyway. (Not that they make any sense to me, but, whatevs.) xD
Anyway, 'nother great chapter, though I'm upset that I'm still waiting for the drama to start! xD
22Mizzuz Spock[“I, Christiana Harper, do solemnly swear, that I shall not today plot for the destruction of the innocents.”] Love it, love it, love it!
The dialogue in this chapter felt extremely believable between the three friends. Personally, I find it really hard to keep my characters' personalities separate in dialogue, so whenever I see writing like this, I just have to smile and have one of those "wow" moments, because I know I'm witnessing someone do something I may never be able to do. It's like someone in a wheelchair watching someone run, you know?
Only one mistake I spied with my little eye: [“Don’t use the voice on me, ok Kris? Nobody’s going to get hurt.”]
"ok" should be "okay" or "OK." Those are the grammatically correct ways, anyway. (Not that they make any sense to me, but, whatevs.) xD
Anyway, 'nother great chapter, though I'm upset that I'm still waiting for the drama to start! xD
1/6/2010 c2 Mizzuz Spock
Man, Christiana doesn't waste any time, does she? She knows what she wants and she's gonna go get him. Awesome. I'm totally rooting for her. xD
A lot of the writing here felt really fresh. For example: [She looked lost, like a deer caught in a Hummer H3’s headlights.] I smiled real big when I read that line because, even though you used the cliche "deer in headlights" bit, you made it original by slapping on a SPECIFIC kind of car. As a reader, I love stuff like that.
Hmm...I have to wonder if Sierra really doesn't care about Devon in THAT kind of way. Should make for some interesting drama on down the road, if she really does have feelings for him, but is trying to play it off all coy...
Great chapter and I really enjoyed it! :]
Man, Christiana doesn't waste any time, does she? She knows what she wants and she's gonna go get him. Awesome. I'm totally rooting for her. xD
A lot of the writing here felt really fresh. For example: [She looked lost, like a deer caught in a Hummer H3’s headlights.] I smiled real big when I read that line because, even though you used the cliche "deer in headlights" bit, you made it original by slapping on a SPECIFIC kind of car. As a reader, I love stuff like that.
Hmm...I have to wonder if Sierra really doesn't care about Devon in THAT kind of way. Should make for some interesting drama on down the road, if she really does have feelings for him, but is trying to play it off all coy...
Great chapter and I really enjoyed it! :]
1/6/2010 c1 Mizzuz Spock
So far, I'm really liking Christiana's character. Girl's got spunk and a bit of an attitude, I can tell. :]
There really isn't much of a plot going on here yet, but I can definitely see a war on the horizon, involving this boy ("Yall can call me D." Mm! Loved that line! x]) and I'm really interested to see where this goes.
Your grammar so far is excellent and no conventional errors jumped out at me. Overall, I think this chapter was written very well. The only crit I have is that you jumped into Devon's description a little too quick for my tastes (describing the classroom then BOOM! He gets an equal amount of description.) But it's just a nitpicky thing, so feel free to ignore me.
Anyway, good job. :]
So far, I'm really liking Christiana's character. Girl's got spunk and a bit of an attitude, I can tell. :]
There really isn't much of a plot going on here yet, but I can definitely see a war on the horizon, involving this boy ("Yall can call me D." Mm! Loved that line! x]) and I'm really interested to see where this goes.
Your grammar so far is excellent and no conventional errors jumped out at me. Overall, I think this chapter was written very well. The only crit I have is that you jumped into Devon's description a little too quick for my tastes (describing the classroom then BOOM! He gets an equal amount of description.) But it's just a nitpicky thing, so feel free to ignore me.
Anyway, good job. :]
1/4/2010 c3 99Dreamers-Requiem
Still not liking Christina, and I have an odd feeling about her saying "shall not today plot...". I think you've done a great job of making her unlikable, but intriguing. Great third chapter with showing the relationship with her and her friends, and poor Kristen! Can't wait to read more.
99Dreamers-RequiemStill not liking Christina, and I have an odd feeling about her saying "shall not today plot...". I think you've done a great job of making her unlikable, but intriguing. Great third chapter with showing the relationship with her and her friends, and poor Kristen! Can't wait to read more.
1/4/2010 c2 6The Saturday Storytellers
Just a small thing, but with reading so many stories, it might be nice to get a little reminder, just one sentence or two in the story, of who our lead character is, rather than launching straight into a mention of Sierra. It took me a moment or two to remember that Sierra is not the main character in this story, Christiana Harper is.
Hmm, so D says he prefers to be called D by his friends instead of Devon, but this girl who claims to have been his friend for a long, long time calls him Devon? Could be nothing - maybe she's only calling him that because she's not talking to him but someone she thinks doesn't know him (and of course, she'd be right). Are we meant to make anything of this as an inaccuracy in her story or is it as innocuous as it appears to be by another light?
Again, a good, fun chapter. I wonder if, however, the fact that this story is purely from Christinana's own POV means her scheming mental process will get dull through repetition? Could you perhaps use a second POV for contrast's sake? It might turn out you don't need to and perhaps I'm being subjective by suggesting it, but that's what I think so far.
- Pay back via Shamanics, chapter 3 if you could.
- from the Roadhouse.
6The Saturday StorytellersJust a small thing, but with reading so many stories, it might be nice to get a little reminder, just one sentence or two in the story, of who our lead character is, rather than launching straight into a mention of Sierra. It took me a moment or two to remember that Sierra is not the main character in this story, Christiana Harper is.
Hmm, so D says he prefers to be called D by his friends instead of Devon, but this girl who claims to have been his friend for a long, long time calls him Devon? Could be nothing - maybe she's only calling him that because she's not talking to him but someone she thinks doesn't know him (and of course, she'd be right). Are we meant to make anything of this as an inaccuracy in her story or is it as innocuous as it appears to be by another light?
Again, a good, fun chapter. I wonder if, however, the fact that this story is purely from Christinana's own POV means her scheming mental process will get dull through repetition? Could you perhaps use a second POV for contrast's sake? It might turn out you don't need to and perhaps I'm being subjective by suggesting it, but that's what I think so far.
- Pay back via Shamanics, chapter 3 if you could.
- from the Roadhouse.