for Harper High1/3/2010 c2 
3Dougie Boy
For the Roadhouse
Right from the rip I enjoyed the openness of manipulation brought on by the leader of this band. Although sarcasm was delivered with a small punch, (sardonic humor I have found is the more difficult to master), in chapter 1, I think more work on that aspect could brighten the darkness in an oxymoronic fashion to bring some knock out punches from the lead character's impact. We could even go as far to say possible hilarity if coined just ever so wrongly...you get my drift? Not like the Tokoyo one ...more along the line of Salinger. After all what we have here is a first class, or senior class if you will allow me the latitude of the 'Catcher'...harlot. Those folks are some truly sarcastic and funny people. Male and female alike. Seeing her, which is good showing I will add, seeker talons sharpening in on Devon is okay to Gina and Kristen now, but I sense it won't be so cleverly calculating and enterprising to either if they find those claws scratching away at their prey. I always like true character development when a story is beginning. That way further on if, and when, the lead metamorphs into a goody two shoes, then you have more options to be broad in diversifying the dimension of your peoples. Easier to go good to bad though. I took an immediate liking to Devon's friend Sierra. Hoping for her to flush out this dominatrix before scathing Devon. Good characters here. Clear distinction between the gene pools and who's swimming where…but I sense muddying up the waters is coming. I hope anyway as I am wanting to read more!
Payback to "The Tutor" when you get a chance. Thank you.
3Dougie BoyFor the Roadhouse
Right from the rip I enjoyed the openness of manipulation brought on by the leader of this band. Although sarcasm was delivered with a small punch, (sardonic humor I have found is the more difficult to master), in chapter 1, I think more work on that aspect could brighten the darkness in an oxymoronic fashion to bring some knock out punches from the lead character's impact. We could even go as far to say possible hilarity if coined just ever so wrongly...you get my drift? Not like the Tokoyo one ...more along the line of Salinger. After all what we have here is a first class, or senior class if you will allow me the latitude of the 'Catcher'...harlot. Those folks are some truly sarcastic and funny people. Male and female alike. Seeing her, which is good showing I will add, seeker talons sharpening in on Devon is okay to Gina and Kristen now, but I sense it won't be so cleverly calculating and enterprising to either if they find those claws scratching away at their prey. I always like true character development when a story is beginning. That way further on if, and when, the lead metamorphs into a goody two shoes, then you have more options to be broad in diversifying the dimension of your peoples. Easier to go good to bad though. I took an immediate liking to Devon's friend Sierra. Hoping for her to flush out this dominatrix before scathing Devon. Good characters here. Clear distinction between the gene pools and who's swimming where…but I sense muddying up the waters is coming. I hope anyway as I am wanting to read more!
Payback to "The Tutor" when you get a chance. Thank you.
1/3/2010 c1 9Experiment101
well that was a very real first day of school wasn't it? If its any thing I hate about it, its the "Get to know everyone game" and they carry it even into college... hehe good start on this story!
9Experiment101well that was a very real first day of school wasn't it? If its any thing I hate about it, its the "Get to know everyone game" and they carry it even into college... hehe good start on this story!
1/3/2010 c1 14improvisationallychallenged
For the RG:
The pace is way to quick. I'm getting a bit of an anti-hero vibe from Christiana, and while the opening setting is nice, not nearly enough is known about Christiana for me to identify with the character. The goal (Devon) is produced at the speed of light, but I found absolutely no reason to care or root for Christiana's cause. It would be nice if you could delve a bit below Christiana's surface, and show the reader why they should support her as a protagonist, rather than an obnoxious annoyance.
The dialogue was mostly good, although I wasn't really feeling the bit where Christiana manages to put down both her teacher and her instantly established rival Maria. I particularly liked the concept Ms. Nocut used as an introduction method. It put an unusual spin on a drudgery everyone who's gone through high-school will be familiar with. In my classes, it was always "I'd like you to introduce yourself, and tell us all a little fact about you" ¬_¬
If they'd ever said, "I want you to sing a chorus of your favourite song", I'd have been going - "Me first! Me first!"
If you could add a bit of depth to the scene and the characterisation, I think this has potential to be a really sparky, vivid story. :)
14improvisationallychallengedFor the RG:
The pace is way to quick. I'm getting a bit of an anti-hero vibe from Christiana, and while the opening setting is nice, not nearly enough is known about Christiana for me to identify with the character. The goal (Devon) is produced at the speed of light, but I found absolutely no reason to care or root for Christiana's cause. It would be nice if you could delve a bit below Christiana's surface, and show the reader why they should support her as a protagonist, rather than an obnoxious annoyance.
The dialogue was mostly good, although I wasn't really feeling the bit where Christiana manages to put down both her teacher and her instantly established rival Maria. I particularly liked the concept Ms. Nocut used as an introduction method. It put an unusual spin on a drudgery everyone who's gone through high-school will be familiar with. In my classes, it was always "I'd like you to introduce yourself, and tell us all a little fact about you" ¬_¬
If they'd ever said, "I want you to sing a chorus of your favourite song", I'd have been going - "Me first! Me first!"
If you could add a bit of depth to the scene and the characterisation, I think this has potential to be a really sparky, vivid story. :)
1/1/2010 c2 99Dreamers-Requiem
Hm, I have to admit, I'm not liking Harper. But I'm wondering if you want the reader to like her or not? If not, then it is working. And characters you don't like are always that tad bit more interesting than the characters you do like.
I think the second chapter was a better than the first, it drew me in more anyway, and was slightly more pacey, but I can understand how the first was just kind of introducing you to the characters.
One problem I do have is how the MC makes the observation that Maria doesn't like her because she wants Devon for herself, but how would she know straight away if anyone else liked him? Couldn't there be another reason she made that remark? (Or no reason at all, just setting herself up to the Queen Bee maybe?)
I loved the interaction between Sierra and Harper, it's a great way of showing the complete difference in them, and Sierra seems so sweet and innocent.
99Dreamers-RequiemHm, I have to admit, I'm not liking Harper. But I'm wondering if you want the reader to like her or not? If not, then it is working. And characters you don't like are always that tad bit more interesting than the characters you do like.
I think the second chapter was a better than the first, it drew me in more anyway, and was slightly more pacey, but I can understand how the first was just kind of introducing you to the characters.
One problem I do have is how the MC makes the observation that Maria doesn't like her because she wants Devon for herself, but how would she know straight away if anyone else liked him? Couldn't there be another reason she made that remark? (Or no reason at all, just setting herself up to the Queen Bee maybe?)
I loved the interaction between Sierra and Harper, it's a great way of showing the complete difference in them, and Sierra seems so sweet and innocent.
1/1/2010 c2 30sophiesix
"sandbox romance" cute!
I like how you convey the characters different personalities here through the dialogue. for CC, i'm scratching teh bottom of the barrel here, but i'd say, vary your sentence structure a little. its not very noticeable because its interspersed with dialogue, but without that i could find teh structure repetitive.
so Sierra ain't interested: interesting! i wonder how Devon will deal with that, of he'll accept it or if it will spur him on, or if the whole thing has just been engineered to wind Harper up...
oh and ps, i thought the line "A male's attention is always somewhere, though" sounded like something out of pride and prejudicem i loved it.
30sophiesix"sandbox romance" cute!
I like how you convey the characters different personalities here through the dialogue. for CC, i'm scratching teh bottom of the barrel here, but i'd say, vary your sentence structure a little. its not very noticeable because its interspersed with dialogue, but without that i could find teh structure repetitive.
so Sierra ain't interested: interesting! i wonder how Devon will deal with that, of he'll accept it or if it will spur him on, or if the whole thing has just been engineered to wind Harper up...
oh and ps, i thought the line "A male's attention is always somewhere, though" sounded like something out of pride and prejudicem i loved it.
12/31/2009 c1 sophiesix
interesting! Harper sure sounds like a spiky sorta MC which bodes well for heaps of conflict later on :D kudos on bringing her character through nice and strong right from the begining. i'm intrigued by what D is seeing in Sierra, how Harper is going to manipulate htat to her ends and whether seh will be scessful- yeah, you 've got me interested alright! nice work!
interesting! Harper sure sounds like a spiky sorta MC which bodes well for heaps of conflict later on :D kudos on bringing her character through nice and strong right from the begining. i'm intrigued by what D is seeing in Sierra, how Harper is going to manipulate htat to her ends and whether seh will be scessful- yeah, you 've got me interested alright! nice work!
12/31/2009 c2 9Sakina the Fallen Angel
In this chapter, I got the feeling that you got to grips with your writing, so here, the pacing, the flow and her personality settled down, which made this easier to read and more enjoyable than the first chapter. I also like the way you portrayed Sierra ~ compared to Christiana, she just seems so innocent and nice, hehe. It was a good move to put them side by side, just so we could see the difference between their personalities.
Looking forwards to more!
~ Sakina x
(Hehe, I see you're with the RH too)
9Sakina the Fallen AngelIn this chapter, I got the feeling that you got to grips with your writing, so here, the pacing, the flow and her personality settled down, which made this easier to read and more enjoyable than the first chapter. I also like the way you portrayed Sierra ~ compared to Christiana, she just seems so innocent and nice, hehe. It was a good move to put them side by side, just so we could see the difference between their personalities.
Looking forwards to more!
~ Sakina x
(Hehe, I see you're with the RH too)
12/31/2009 c1 Sakina the Fallen Angel
I quite liked the opening here as the setting, class situation and dialogue was very believable. My only issue is that it feels as if you are trying too hard to get the narrator's voice across through your side comments, such as:
"Poor thing, she really didn't know what she was getting into."
I can see that she is going to quite a feisty personality, but perhaps you could build on that a little more through her reactions and observations.
~ Sakina x
I quite liked the opening here as the setting, class situation and dialogue was very believable. My only issue is that it feels as if you are trying too hard to get the narrator's voice across through your side comments, such as:
"Poor thing, she really didn't know what she was getting into."
I can see that she is going to quite a feisty personality, but perhaps you could build on that a little more through her reactions and observations.
~ Sakina x
12/31/2009 c1 6The Saturday Storytellers
Nice beginning, actually. But I'm from the UK and generally, being asked to sing part of one's favourite song wouldn't be a part of an introduction to the rest of your class. No chance! So is that part of the style of this story or is it an Americanism, or what? It's not a fault so much, it is just a noticeable feature of the opening part of the story to me.
Is it deliberate that you've gone a bit urple on the description of the good-looking boy? It could either be deliberate or not, but it certainly looks a bit over-written there. Top marks for satire if it's deliberate, by the way.
Nice placement on the sole good-looking boy - you've made it quite clear that he'll be at the center of Harper's problems in the next few days/weeks/months!
Generally, your writing is very nice - descriptive without being overdone or fake. I like it!
You might want to reconsider the bold, it doesn't sit particularly well for me personally, but that, of course, is up to you.
You say that a male's attention is always somewhere, but... isn't anybody's attention somewhere at any given time, whether they're male or female? Not sure quite what you were getting at with that statement, so perhaps your point needs clarification there.
I like the sudden bristling between Maria and Christiana - I look forward to seeing how that pans out. Again, your ability to strike at the heart of the story you're about to tell does you credit!
While D's obvious infatuation with Sierra is intriguing, the idea of him constantly staring at her is a bit unnerving and undoes the idea of him being a cool, attractive guy. It sounds a bit too much like obsession. I think you need to change just that one word: staring. Change it to something a bit less intimidating (unless you're deliberately having girls swooning over a potential stalker) and he'll be back in any savvy reader's good books. I reckon.
Hmm. Christiana seems a potentially poisonous girl. I'll admit I'm not finding her particuarly likeable at the moment, but I think she'll make some fireworks in this story.
Overall, I think you tell a story well. Thank you.
Pay back via Shamanics, ideally chapter 2 if that's not too much trouble.
- From the Roadhouse.
6The Saturday StorytellersNice beginning, actually. But I'm from the UK and generally, being asked to sing part of one's favourite song wouldn't be a part of an introduction to the rest of your class. No chance! So is that part of the style of this story or is it an Americanism, or what? It's not a fault so much, it is just a noticeable feature of the opening part of the story to me.
Is it deliberate that you've gone a bit urple on the description of the good-looking boy? It could either be deliberate or not, but it certainly looks a bit over-written there. Top marks for satire if it's deliberate, by the way.
Nice placement on the sole good-looking boy - you've made it quite clear that he'll be at the center of Harper's problems in the next few days/weeks/months!
Generally, your writing is very nice - descriptive without being overdone or fake. I like it!
You might want to reconsider the bold, it doesn't sit particularly well for me personally, but that, of course, is up to you.
You say that a male's attention is always somewhere, but... isn't anybody's attention somewhere at any given time, whether they're male or female? Not sure quite what you were getting at with that statement, so perhaps your point needs clarification there.
I like the sudden bristling between Maria and Christiana - I look forward to seeing how that pans out. Again, your ability to strike at the heart of the story you're about to tell does you credit!
While D's obvious infatuation with Sierra is intriguing, the idea of him constantly staring at her is a bit unnerving and undoes the idea of him being a cool, attractive guy. It sounds a bit too much like obsession. I think you need to change just that one word: staring. Change it to something a bit less intimidating (unless you're deliberately having girls swooning over a potential stalker) and he'll be back in any savvy reader's good books. I reckon.
Hmm. Christiana seems a potentially poisonous girl. I'll admit I'm not finding her particuarly likeable at the moment, but I think she'll make some fireworks in this story.
Overall, I think you tell a story well. Thank you.
Pay back via Shamanics, ideally chapter 2 if that's not too much trouble.
- From the Roadhouse.