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for The Journeys of Iain Baird

3/31/2010 c3 48Michael Panush
This was interesting, and I like the fable your retelling here. It's a neat idea, and you execute it pretty well. I think this is really set-up for something else, and that's fine, but just make sure you have a good pay-off. I do have two big complaints though, the descriptions and the grammar.

The descriptions are really small and sparse, and I guess that fits a fable. The problem is, this isn't a fable. It's a story, and we need more immersive writing than the bare-bones description you have here. If not, why don't we just read the fable instead of your story? That said, you had some really nice descriptions here, and even a few metaphors that were really good. Just add more, and really try and put the reader into this fable, rather than just make them feel like they're reading a fable with your character inserted inside.

The grammar also was a problem. You had a lot of sentences where they said 'take this warrior' and it should have been 'take this, warrior', otherwise, it sounds like the seasons are giving Ian a bunch of warriors. This is an example of how punctuation can actually change the meaning of the sentence, so watch it. If you don't, the meaning changes, and it becomes difficult to follow. Please edit your stories some more.

That's all I've got. Good job, but try to work on those things before posting the next one.
3/28/2010 c3 8PencilSketchS
Wow, that was awesome. Each of the months he met along the way and the gifts they gave him were inventive, and I looked forward to each of them. I was really worried that the old woman would drown him though, in the beginning, but it seemed her and her children had some good will to bestow upon our Ian.

I'm enjoying the various parts of this story. Good work, and I'm looking forward to what happens next :)
1/13/2010 c2 PencilSketchS
Iain adventures just become more and more surreal. I have no idea how Grim spoke under water, or how they could both swing their swords down there, but I don't think we're meant to question myths and fairytales.

Although, WOW, he sunk the ship. The skeleton army was a fun idea. I just feel sorry for the child that died at the begining of the chapter. Poor kid.

Is our poor Hillman going to be travelling alone all the time, or will he meet a companion soon? Someone quick and wily?
1/12/2010 c1 WutNow
Here from the Zero Hour!

I want to start off in a positive note- I praise you for your ability to describe the scenes and the environment the characters are in. I thought the beginning was an epic introduction for the upcoming events. Also, I really liked the dialects the people have in this story. I read them slowly because I wanted to mimic how you envisioned the characters to say them. Plus, I thought it was fun coming out of my mouth lol. However, I found the transition from the war scene to the present scene ended quite abruptly. I liked the idea of you giving him background information for the readers to enjoy, but I just thought you needed a better transition from past to present. I found myself scratching my head when I read up to that point. Overall, I thought your descriptions were vivid, especially their actions. The only thing I found lacking is the physical characteristics of the main character. You have successfully described what the old woman looked like, but what about the main character? All I know about him is that... he's a man... and that he went to war... and that's about it. What does he look like? Tall? What color is his hair? Eyes? Skin? etc.

There were also a few grammatical errors that a simple reread could easily fix. There were a lot of run on sentences- I won't spoon-full you the details but I just wanted to make you aware:

His name was Iain of the clan Baird, and he stood stalwart against the Roman Legions at Telamon, where he and his clansmen made their last stand, and despite fighting with unrivaled savagery and strength, they were massacred against the Roman shields and short swords. However, I thought the transition from the war into the present was kind of abrupt. - this is a fragment and a very long sentence. You took a lot of ideas and condensed them into a long sentence, and it doesn't fit well. There is nothing wrong with shorter sentences, so don't be afraid to break them up.

He alone survived; trapped under the dead bodies of his older brothers[period]. [H]e lied there as the Romans went about killing the wounded, holding his breath as blood ran onto his face and into his eyes, nose, and mouth.- I think you can choose a more powerful verb than "ran", maybe dripped, slithered, etc.

“Thaïs’ one o’ those Wild men from tha’ hills.” some said. - When someone is talking and you want to add a description after it, it should be a comma, not a period. You've repeated the same error throughout the chapter. I just wanted to point it out.

Keep writing!


P.S- pay back via review for Remain Sane! Thanks!
1/8/2010 c1 PencilSketchS
Now that was interesting :) I love your descriptions of the battle and the tavern and the witch and Iain. This story had the feeling of a fairy tale, and it doesn't seem like it should end there. I wonder what else the stalwart Iain, with his long brown hair, and his strength and wits could get up to in Ireland. But really, I like the atmosphere of this story, and that you gave them accents. I'll read and review some more of your work when I have more time. Probably only after monday. But so far so good. I'm looking forward to more :)
1/7/2010 c2 10Vroooommmmmm
well this story is one of my favorite stories...i wud recommend it as an excellent read..recommend you try to publish it after u r done with the drafting proces..

you have got excellent grammar, detailing ,narration and dialogue making skills...keep up the good work...I could just relate with the character, I could just visualize...this story is one of the best i ve ever encountered on fictionpress..
1/7/2010 c1 15Miz-KTakase
I'll give you credit; by far an interesting story.
1/5/2010 c2 48Michael Panush
Well, I was surprised to see my own character popping up here. It is an honor, of course, to have Grim Glower-Eye appear here, but I kind of wish you would create your own characters instead of just using mine. Maybe after you've created a good cast of your own, you can go ahead and do a crossover, but this seemed a bit too early. As for the story itself, it was okay, but still needed some work.

One thing's for certain - if you're going to use my characters, I demand you set a higher standard of grammar for yourself. This one was a lot better than the previous one, so good job there, but I sitll caught some mistakes with missing comas that could have been fixed by a few rounds of editing. If your computer doesn't have the programs to spot them, then you're going to have to spot yourself. It shouldn't be too hard. Just read through and see if each line sounds right.

The other problem was that there really wasn't too much to the story. Ian sees the burning village, fights some Vikings and wins. While the battle was exciting, I think the Vikings were revealed a little too fast. I would have liked to see some more build-up. The fight was pretty cool, but I think it ended pretty quickly. This whole story was a bit on the short side, and some more length would have helped.

Well, good job and I wonder who will show up in the next one.
1/3/2010 c1 Michael Panush
This was a very good story! I really liked the characterization, the setting and the Celtic folklore, the accents were mostly very good, and the monster and battle were both very cool. You had some great descriptions in here, and some really top-notch writing all around. However, there are still two issues which I think hamper the story.

First off was the grammar. It was a bit better than it was in some of the Kroger stories, but I still saw run-ons, fragments, places were comas and periods should be, and many more errors. You need to understand those rules before you start writing. I promise it will make the stories much better.

Secondly, the story was okay, but there just wasn't much there: Ian battles a freaky hag and the sunlight kills her. I could have used some twist ending, some deeper meaning, something more than just a lead up to a fight scene. It's not major, but just something to keep mind when you write your next story.

Well, good job, and I hope you can work on those two issues and make some more really cool stories.

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