for The Conference4/23/2010 c9 
24TiffyCakes
I like this chapter. I don't think you should take them out at all. The flashabcks give us what Kyle is saying and doing the time when he is not with Lia.
I think you should leave it as it is. It sounds just fine.
24TiffyCakesI like this chapter. I don't think you should take them out at all. The flashabcks give us what Kyle is saying and doing the time when he is not with Lia.
I think you should leave it as it is. It sounds just fine.
3/26/2010 c9 9Narq
I agree with what you say about those flashbacks too.
i think a good idea is to weave the flashbacks with diagloue, with her narrating in 'real' time and her mind flashing backwards to that night.
that help?
still, good chatper!
9NarqI agree with what you say about those flashbacks too.
i think a good idea is to weave the flashbacks with diagloue, with her narrating in 'real' time and her mind flashing backwards to that night.
that help?
still, good chatper!
3/26/2010 c8 Narq
"Demetry felt a pang somewhere in his stomach at not being able to see her beautiful brown eyes." - this jarrs his thoughts and it contradicts with "Her eyes were wide with delicious fear and Demetry nodded once, satisfied"
next chappy~ things are getting interesting!
"Demetry felt a pang somewhere in his stomach at not being able to see her beautiful brown eyes." - this jarrs his thoughts and it contradicts with "Her eyes were wide with delicious fear and Demetry nodded once, satisfied"
next chappy~ things are getting interesting!
3/26/2010 c7 Narq
Hm.. interesting chapter. A good display of dominance on Demetery's part.
" She arched her back and moaned pathetically" - sorry, but that seemed too much like a sexual display for me. More pain should be shown.
" Demetry tied her wrist there loosely and made sure that there was enough slack rope so that she would be able to move her arms comfortably. " - hell, would he care? I mean, I thought chapters befroe you said that he wasn't tehre to ensure they were comfortable?
Sometime I find it funny, like you want to show that Demetrery is the badass, but then you can't really make him the bad guy because you like him, as an author? (is that what's happening?)
Hm.. interesting chapter. A good display of dominance on Demetery's part.
" She arched her back and moaned pathetically" - sorry, but that seemed too much like a sexual display for me. More pain should be shown.
" Demetry tied her wrist there loosely and made sure that there was enough slack rope so that she would be able to move her arms comfortably. " - hell, would he care? I mean, I thought chapters befroe you said that he wasn't tehre to ensure they were comfortable?
Sometime I find it funny, like you want to show that Demetrery is the badass, but then you can't really make him the bad guy because you like him, as an author? (is that what's happening?)
3/26/2010 c6 Narq
Okay, I think I've found your problem. You're a good story teller and all, but you explain yourself way too much. You repeat "physically or mentally" a lot too.
For example, this bit here "If he was being honest with himself, Demetry was sorry for what he'd done to the poor girl. He didn't mean to do that, but she was just so infuriating and he'd always had temper problems. In fact, his temper was what had gotten him into this whole mess in the first place. He just wished there was a way he could tell her that he was volatile without her either running away or laughing in his face." - felt it wasn't necessary and it broke down Demetry's personality as one that's a good guy and so when he acts bad, you don't really believe it and the impact isn't as strong. Do you understand what I'm hinti nat?
Also, I serioiusly didn't like that first part with that teacher. She's really annoying.
Okay, I think I've found your problem. You're a good story teller and all, but you explain yourself way too much. You repeat "physically or mentally" a lot too.
For example, this bit here "If he was being honest with himself, Demetry was sorry for what he'd done to the poor girl. He didn't mean to do that, but she was just so infuriating and he'd always had temper problems. In fact, his temper was what had gotten him into this whole mess in the first place. He just wished there was a way he could tell her that he was volatile without her either running away or laughing in his face." - felt it wasn't necessary and it broke down Demetry's personality as one that's a good guy and so when he acts bad, you don't really believe it and the impact isn't as strong. Do you understand what I'm hinti nat?
Also, I serioiusly didn't like that first part with that teacher. She's really annoying.
3/26/2010 c5 Narq
Oh-kkay~ I'm not exactly sure what to say.
I think that the impact of this went out because we knew that this was a dream and that this was not happening. Also we knew that Demetry would not do this, due to the little laspses of humanity that you've shown him in.
Sorry, I sound really mean, but I'll only be mean if I think it's worth it and this story is certainly an interesting one and a keeper!
Oh-kkay~ I'm not exactly sure what to say.
I think that the impact of this went out because we knew that this was a dream and that this was not happening. Also we knew that Demetry would not do this, due to the little laspses of humanity that you've shown him in.
Sorry, I sound really mean, but I'll only be mean if I think it's worth it and this story is certainly an interesting one and a keeper!
3/26/2010 c4 Narq
There was a sharp pang inside Demetry's chest, but he pushed it away, trying to ignore it. - I don't like that. Keep him a monster, through and through. He's supposed to be one (but I like him for being who he is)
About Lia, I think that you seriously need to keep her personality consistent, though her scars on her back are starting to inerest me, I'd think the Demetry would like to sprinkle salt on the wounds there, being who he is.
There was a sharp pang inside Demetry's chest, but he pushed it away, trying to ignore it. - I don't like that. Keep him a monster, through and through. He's supposed to be one (but I like him for being who he is)
About Lia, I think that you seriously need to keep her personality consistent, though her scars on her back are starting to inerest me, I'd think the Demetry would like to sprinkle salt on the wounds there, being who he is.
3/26/2010 c3 Narq
He lifted his angular face and looked through his angry blue-gray eyes at the rest of the group of people sitting around the table - if you're writing from Kyle's POV, he should not be able to look at himself.
Also, I have the issue that Lia is being too agressive sometimes and so soft othertimes. Keep her personality constant. Same goes with Demetry.
He lifted his angular face and looked through his angry blue-gray eyes at the rest of the group of people sitting around the table - if you're writing from Kyle's POV, he should not be able to look at himself.
Also, I have the issue that Lia is being too agressive sometimes and so soft othertimes. Keep her personality constant. Same goes with Demetry.
3/26/2010 c2 Narq
Hm... I don't know whether to hate the way you've done Demetry, or to like it. You sure are good at making me go hm~!
The problem I found was that Demetry 'talks' too much, explains himself too much in his narrative. It's a bit like Lia, to be honest. but that being said, I really did enjoy this chapter, and the way you did it was really good.
"as well as fresh underwire" - underwear?
Just wondering, wouldn't the shower glass be transparent, ie, Demetry would be able to see Lia no matter what? Most hotel showers are like that, I thought.
I like this story!
Narq.
Hm... I don't know whether to hate the way you've done Demetry, or to like it. You sure are good at making me go hm~!
The problem I found was that Demetry 'talks' too much, explains himself too much in his narrative. It's a bit like Lia, to be honest. but that being said, I really did enjoy this chapter, and the way you did it was really good.
"as well as fresh underwire" - underwear?
Just wondering, wouldn't the shower glass be transparent, ie, Demetry would be able to see Lia no matter what? Most hotel showers are like that, I thought.
I like this story!
Narq.
3/26/2010 c1 Narq
Hi, I'm here to give some very well deserved reviews!
My first impression on the first paragraph was that you did the narrative voice well - I had the feeling that she's quite chatty ;)
But then a few chapters after that left me debating whether you were doing an info dump, or if that was your intention to show how extraordinarily chatty and bored your character was in the confereance. Hm. Still can't figure it out. It would be better i think, if you'd some action breaking up the thoughts - if they really had to be thoughts. (you could've shown that through your dialgoue while the conferance was going on maybe?)
Okay, I'm confused. Why has Lia gone from a very boring conference, to a place where a man holds a gun at her back? I wasn't too clear on the transition. Also, I didn't really understand what kind of conference it was.
"There were about ten girls including Lia being held hostage, Lia calculated." - you don't need the "lia calculated" because she is your narrative and so that is excessive.
" Lia looked up and immediately found one of the cameras hidden in the overhang of the conference hall where no one would be able to see it. " - okay, either they are extremely BAD at hiding 'hidden cameras' or Lia is extremely SMART.
Overall though, I was really intrested in how you're going to continue this story. I haven't seen anything like this before. Except, for the cliche part that the bad guy is really hot, I think you've don't this quite well.
Hi, I'm here to give some very well deserved reviews!
My first impression on the first paragraph was that you did the narrative voice well - I had the feeling that she's quite chatty ;)
But then a few chapters after that left me debating whether you were doing an info dump, or if that was your intention to show how extraordinarily chatty and bored your character was in the confereance. Hm. Still can't figure it out. It would be better i think, if you'd some action breaking up the thoughts - if they really had to be thoughts. (you could've shown that through your dialgoue while the conferance was going on maybe?)
Okay, I'm confused. Why has Lia gone from a very boring conference, to a place where a man holds a gun at her back? I wasn't too clear on the transition. Also, I didn't really understand what kind of conference it was.
"There were about ten girls including Lia being held hostage, Lia calculated." - you don't need the "lia calculated" because she is your narrative and so that is excessive.
" Lia looked up and immediately found one of the cameras hidden in the overhang of the conference hall where no one would be able to see it. " - okay, either they are extremely BAD at hiding 'hidden cameras' or Lia is extremely SMART.
Overall though, I was really intrested in how you're going to continue this story. I haven't seen anything like this before. Except, for the cliche part that the bad guy is really hot, I think you've don't this quite well.
3/25/2010 c1 30sophiesix
wow. that really sucked me in. is that teh time? lordy, it REALLY sucked me in :D
Great conveyance of the build up of boredom at the beginning here. You conveyed it perfectly without it actually feeling too boring in itself? Lol, you know what I mean ;)
“Somehow, Lia didn't think that the real United Nations didn't meet for twelve straight hours.” Double negative?
Oh, awesome way to inject some drama! I love how it starts out so casually. Just some guys. Just some boring guys. And then builds and builds and builds…!
“As Kyle took another step forward, the man pulled Lia to him and took out a gun, shiny silver and deadly cold, pointing it at her forehead and twisting her arm behind her back.” I’m wondering how this might sound in shorter sentences, eg ‘Kyle took another step forward. The man pulled Lia to him and took out a gun. Shiny silver and deadly cold, he pointed it at her forehead. His hand twisted her arm behind her back.’ Kinda punchier that way, maybe? Lets you savour the full effect of each action?
You’ve got a few double-barelled phrases in a row here, eg “She knew they couldn't do anything and she still didn't feel like the situation was quite real, even with the gun pressed up against her back.” The and makes it feel run-on to me: I think it might do better as two sentences?
“as the now-warmed metal returned to her back” ooh, awesome detail!
“as another shot embedded itself in the doorframe next to the escapee's head.” Je-e-eesus!
“Lia's eyes filled with tears of pain” to me, the ‘of pain’ bit feels a bit redundant?
“If one acts like a victim, one will be treated like a victim.” Good point.
“Once again, Lia was reminded that her coming to the conference was a mistake.” Lol!
“Her side felt as though someone had sliced it open and her legs were like overcooked noodles” awesome description. That’s it exactly
“Either that, or they got shot” heh heh, makes me think of the whiny ones that always end up getting shot in the movies ;)
“having worked out every day she could for two years prior. Although she'd done very little physical activity for about a year,” this jarred with me. Partly because I want to get on with what’s planned for them, not read about the intricacies of her work out schedule ;) but also because it seems contradictory.
“He held a nonchalant air about himself that Lia envied.” Ok, feel entirely absolutely oh so free to ignore this, but from the description here, I’m think that when he talked ‘lazily’ in the conference centre, maybe a closer description of the tone would be ‘casually’? dunno.
“It was as though he didn't care about what was happening around him so long as he controlled it.” ooh, scary, I love it
“His mouth curved in a smirk of superiority that Lia found mildly annoying” oh, I’m with you there, Lia! I Hate smirkers!
“He had the barest shadow of facial hair” hmm, hair rather than stubble or graze or shadow or something makes me envision bum fluff cheeks. Not a very tough image X)
“His clothes seemed to hang off of his” this conflicted with the muscular showing-off-ness before: I have two images: one of fairly tight, fitted clothing, and one of clothing loose and hanging off him?
Oh god what a horrible ending! I mean horrible but awesome, because the dread level just went ZOOM! Wow, great writing here, very tense, with just the right sprinkle of levity so it’s not exhausting
It is a long chapter though. I think you could easy break it into without losing anything, somewhere around the guy getting Lia and them leaving the conference room, that way you have to read on – what happens to her? but you also get a mental break? Up to you. :)
30sophiesixwow. that really sucked me in. is that teh time? lordy, it REALLY sucked me in :D
Great conveyance of the build up of boredom at the beginning here. You conveyed it perfectly without it actually feeling too boring in itself? Lol, you know what I mean ;)
“Somehow, Lia didn't think that the real United Nations didn't meet for twelve straight hours.” Double negative?
Oh, awesome way to inject some drama! I love how it starts out so casually. Just some guys. Just some boring guys. And then builds and builds and builds…!
“As Kyle took another step forward, the man pulled Lia to him and took out a gun, shiny silver and deadly cold, pointing it at her forehead and twisting her arm behind her back.” I’m wondering how this might sound in shorter sentences, eg ‘Kyle took another step forward. The man pulled Lia to him and took out a gun. Shiny silver and deadly cold, he pointed it at her forehead. His hand twisted her arm behind her back.’ Kinda punchier that way, maybe? Lets you savour the full effect of each action?
You’ve got a few double-barelled phrases in a row here, eg “She knew they couldn't do anything and she still didn't feel like the situation was quite real, even with the gun pressed up against her back.” The and makes it feel run-on to me: I think it might do better as two sentences?
“as the now-warmed metal returned to her back” ooh, awesome detail!
“as another shot embedded itself in the doorframe next to the escapee's head.” Je-e-eesus!
“Lia's eyes filled with tears of pain” to me, the ‘of pain’ bit feels a bit redundant?
“If one acts like a victim, one will be treated like a victim.” Good point.
“Once again, Lia was reminded that her coming to the conference was a mistake.” Lol!
“Her side felt as though someone had sliced it open and her legs were like overcooked noodles” awesome description. That’s it exactly
“Either that, or they got shot” heh heh, makes me think of the whiny ones that always end up getting shot in the movies ;)
“having worked out every day she could for two years prior. Although she'd done very little physical activity for about a year,” this jarred with me. Partly because I want to get on with what’s planned for them, not read about the intricacies of her work out schedule ;) but also because it seems contradictory.
“He held a nonchalant air about himself that Lia envied.” Ok, feel entirely absolutely oh so free to ignore this, but from the description here, I’m think that when he talked ‘lazily’ in the conference centre, maybe a closer description of the tone would be ‘casually’? dunno.
“It was as though he didn't care about what was happening around him so long as he controlled it.” ooh, scary, I love it
“His mouth curved in a smirk of superiority that Lia found mildly annoying” oh, I’m with you there, Lia! I Hate smirkers!
“He had the barest shadow of facial hair” hmm, hair rather than stubble or graze or shadow or something makes me envision bum fluff cheeks. Not a very tough image X)
“His clothes seemed to hang off of his” this conflicted with the muscular showing-off-ness before: I have two images: one of fairly tight, fitted clothing, and one of clothing loose and hanging off him?
Oh god what a horrible ending! I mean horrible but awesome, because the dread level just went ZOOM! Wow, great writing here, very tense, with just the right sprinkle of levity so it’s not exhausting
It is a long chapter though. I think you could easy break it into without losing anything, somewhere around the guy getting Lia and them leaving the conference room, that way you have to read on – what happens to her? but you also get a mental break? Up to you. :)
3/2/2010 c2 6Devil's Playground
Is it weird to say that I like Demetry? ._. Because... I do. Yeah. I really do. I think he's a very interesting character. And he's funny. And I guess I ought to mention that I have a weird fascination with villains - thus the strange interest in him.
But seriously, he's intriguing. You did a good job building up his character here, making him seem like a bully and a jerk, but at the same time making him sympathizable. Or, at least sympathizable enough for a villain-lover like me to latch on and prepare to fangirl... even if he is a giant perv.
And I just like Lia more and more, too. That's actually NOT usual for me - I have a natural aversion to liking main protagonists, especially girls, for some reason. But she is one seriously good character already. I really like reading about her, and I enjoy her sassiness and her wit and her toughness.
Overall, you seem to be doing some heavy-duty character development already, and I'm really enjoying it. I'm excited to get to know this cast and have more insight into their motivations and pasts.
6Devil's PlaygroundIs it weird to say that I like Demetry? ._. Because... I do. Yeah. I really do. I think he's a very interesting character. And he's funny. And I guess I ought to mention that I have a weird fascination with villains - thus the strange interest in him.
But seriously, he's intriguing. You did a good job building up his character here, making him seem like a bully and a jerk, but at the same time making him sympathizable. Or, at least sympathizable enough for a villain-lover like me to latch on and prepare to fangirl... even if he is a giant perv.
And I just like Lia more and more, too. That's actually NOT usual for me - I have a natural aversion to liking main protagonists, especially girls, for some reason. But she is one seriously good character already. I really like reading about her, and I enjoy her sassiness and her wit and her toughness.
Overall, you seem to be doing some heavy-duty character development already, and I'm really enjoying it. I'm excited to get to know this cast and have more insight into their motivations and pasts.
3/2/2010 c1 Devil's Playground
Hi! Genesis Sage recommended this story, so I decided to check it out.
The opening is really good. The first paragraph immediately drew me into the story and made me really curious about what was going on. And then it backtracked to the conference scene. Since it had started with that paragraph, I was anticipating something happening, so despite the normality of the scene I was on edge.
I really like Lia already. She seems like a strong, driven girl. I loved her unusual reaction to the situation, and how she looked down on the other girls for having breakdowns, haha. I would've been a sobbing mess in that situation, f'sho. It was believable, though. I'm really interested in learning more about her.
It's highly realistic, too. I could picture the setting, the characters, everything, and that made it even more believable. I could picture something like this happening in real life, scary as it is.
One thing that could improve this would be breaking it down into smaller paragraphs, and maybe adding some more dialogue. Right now it's all kind of in big chunks. I kept reading because it was really interesting, but the sight of those big walls of text was a little intimidating at first. Also, adding in some smaller paragraphs could help change up the pacing and build up suspense.
I'm really interested in finding out more about what's happening, and why. I like your writing style, too - full of good details. I'll be reading more for sure.
Hi! Genesis Sage recommended this story, so I decided to check it out.
The opening is really good. The first paragraph immediately drew me into the story and made me really curious about what was going on. And then it backtracked to the conference scene. Since it had started with that paragraph, I was anticipating something happening, so despite the normality of the scene I was on edge.
I really like Lia already. She seems like a strong, driven girl. I loved her unusual reaction to the situation, and how she looked down on the other girls for having breakdowns, haha. I would've been a sobbing mess in that situation, f'sho. It was believable, though. I'm really interested in learning more about her.
It's highly realistic, too. I could picture the setting, the characters, everything, and that made it even more believable. I could picture something like this happening in real life, scary as it is.
One thing that could improve this would be breaking it down into smaller paragraphs, and maybe adding some more dialogue. Right now it's all kind of in big chunks. I kept reading because it was really interesting, but the sight of those big walls of text was a little intimidating at first. Also, adding in some smaller paragraphs could help change up the pacing and build up suspense.
I'm really interested in finding out more about what's happening, and why. I like your writing style, too - full of good details. I'll be reading more for sure.
2/17/2010 c8 24TiffyCakes
Hi. I am one of your frequent readers to this story. I have read all your chapters and loved them all. This one and the last one were great. I love reading your story. I can't wait to see what happens next. I would love to read your next book when you get to that point too.
24TiffyCakesHi. I am one of your frequent readers to this story. I have read all your chapters and loved them all. This one and the last one were great. I love reading your story. I can't wait to see what happens next. I would love to read your next book when you get to that point too.
2/17/2010 c7 19Written In Red
I think this chapter is a reflection on Demetry doing his job more then who he really is. I like the fact that, no doubt, we'll find out more about him, but I don't know how Lia's going to do that. She's smart, but maybe not that smart. Good chapter either way, I think your character development is one of your best writing skills by far. The interactions and emotions are what definitely make me want to read more.
19Written In RedI think this chapter is a reflection on Demetry doing his job more then who he really is. I like the fact that, no doubt, we'll find out more about him, but I don't know how Lia's going to do that. She's smart, but maybe not that smart. Good chapter either way, I think your character development is one of your best writing skills by far. The interactions and emotions are what definitely make me want to read more.