for Dreaming3/21/2012 c2 
2ChrisRidgewayVoiceActor
The story is starting to progress somewhere. All in all its definitely interesting, though I worry about the shortness of your chapters, still all in all this chapter wasn't bad, and seemed more detailed than the first chapter at least :)
2ChrisRidgewayVoiceActorThe story is starting to progress somewhere. All in all its definitely interesting, though I worry about the shortness of your chapters, still all in all this chapter wasn't bad, and seemed more detailed than the first chapter at least :)
3/21/2012 c1 ChrisRidgewayVoiceActor
Very interesting story that is abstract in a way that could be potentially beautiful. Ultimately though, this chapter felt kind of floaty, like it jumped from one point to the next far too quickly. I'd slow down and go into more detail and try to make things transition more slowly in the future. All in all though, the chapter wasn't too bad, just needs some more work and love and I'm sure you'll be doing better before you know it :)
Very interesting story that is abstract in a way that could be potentially beautiful. Ultimately though, this chapter felt kind of floaty, like it jumped from one point to the next far too quickly. I'd slow down and go into more detail and try to make things transition more slowly in the future. All in all though, the chapter wasn't too bad, just needs some more work and love and I'm sure you'll be doing better before you know it :)
11/28/2010 c2 1Believe-Your-Imagination
Your story is intersting but you should try to make the chapters a bit longer.
1Believe-Your-ImaginationYour story is intersting but you should try to make the chapters a bit longer.
3/10/2010 c1 4lookingwest
"Who are you?"
-Edit: use only one question mark with this because it's not grammatically correct to use more, it comes off as a little comic-bookish.
-Still though, this line does a great job of pulling us right into the beginning.
The figure stood there blankly as I waited for an answer.
-Edit: since the last sentence ends with "answer" I think you should just omit "for an answer" from this sentence.
to go out with a girl like ME. Even if they did like me. I shook my head in rejection. I am BEAUTIFUL?
-Edit: I'd suggest not caping "Me" and "Beautiful" instead, if you just un-italicize it, that's sort of what is grammatically correct for making there be emphasis on words that are italicized.
Overall, I think this has a great opening, it was really strong and drew me right in. I feel like you're developing a character that readers can really relate to, at least with that last bit about being sort of the outcast or having a rough day at school and everything. Those are definitley the strongest bits and it seems to have great potential to develop!
4lookingwest"Who are you?"
-Edit: use only one question mark with this because it's not grammatically correct to use more, it comes off as a little comic-bookish.
-Still though, this line does a great job of pulling us right into the beginning.
The figure stood there blankly as I waited for an answer.
-Edit: since the last sentence ends with "answer" I think you should just omit "for an answer" from this sentence.
to go out with a girl like ME. Even if they did like me. I shook my head in rejection. I am BEAUTIFUL?
-Edit: I'd suggest not caping "Me" and "Beautiful" instead, if you just un-italicize it, that's sort of what is grammatically correct for making there be emphasis on words that are italicized.
Overall, I think this has a great opening, it was really strong and drew me right in. I feel like you're developing a character that readers can really relate to, at least with that last bit about being sort of the outcast or having a rough day at school and everything. Those are definitley the strongest bits and it seems to have great potential to develop!
3/9/2010 c1 5Alias Blue
Hi. I'm afraid to say that your review hasn't turned up again, but you can just PM me with your comments and I'll consider it the same thing.
I thought I'd look at this since you've looked at my stuff twice, though I say again, the reviews must be invisible.
I liked you opening with the speech because it sucked me right into the story.
I noticed this typo first because it's something I do all the time, so I've got a little radar for it now. :)
“because I have been having this dream for the past few months” - you use present tense here, but the rest of the time us past. I think it should be: “I had been having..”
And I think the speech of the 'dream boy' (lol) should be on a new line.
To me it feels a little choppy to read. I think it's a combination of long paragraphs, which have a couple different subjects in them, and you tend to use the same sentence structure a couple times. For example in the second paragraph, your sentences start: “I rushed...” “I quickly...” “I fixed...” “I peeked...”
I think this interrupts the flow as every action seems separate. The short sentences did well at giving the effect of her rushing, but I think you could vary it still.
You could try starting different ways, like: “Peeking in my mirror I saw that my hair was drenched with water.” Or something. :)
I love that idea of a 'dream boy' haha. It's certainly interesting, but this chapter didn't do much for me. The first paragraph hooked me in, with the presentation of the idea, but after that it didn't feel like it progressed, or piqued my interest further.
I'll test, and see if I want to read more later – which is always a good sign if your story pulls me back, but right now I'm not too sure...
And I just thought also:
I think your character needs a little more personality than just physical description, though I can certainly identify with her feelings, they could be expressed more clearly.
Anyways, it's a good start, that just needs a little more work and thought.
- Alias Blue x
5Alias BlueHi. I'm afraid to say that your review hasn't turned up again, but you can just PM me with your comments and I'll consider it the same thing.
I thought I'd look at this since you've looked at my stuff twice, though I say again, the reviews must be invisible.
I liked you opening with the speech because it sucked me right into the story.
I noticed this typo first because it's something I do all the time, so I've got a little radar for it now. :)
“because I have been having this dream for the past few months” - you use present tense here, but the rest of the time us past. I think it should be: “I had been having..”
And I think the speech of the 'dream boy' (lol) should be on a new line.
To me it feels a little choppy to read. I think it's a combination of long paragraphs, which have a couple different subjects in them, and you tend to use the same sentence structure a couple times. For example in the second paragraph, your sentences start: “I rushed...” “I quickly...” “I fixed...” “I peeked...”
I think this interrupts the flow as every action seems separate. The short sentences did well at giving the effect of her rushing, but I think you could vary it still.
You could try starting different ways, like: “Peeking in my mirror I saw that my hair was drenched with water.” Or something. :)
I love that idea of a 'dream boy' haha. It's certainly interesting, but this chapter didn't do much for me. The first paragraph hooked me in, with the presentation of the idea, but after that it didn't feel like it progressed, or piqued my interest further.
I'll test, and see if I want to read more later – which is always a good sign if your story pulls me back, but right now I'm not too sure...
And I just thought also:
I think your character needs a little more personality than just physical description, though I can certainly identify with her feelings, they could be expressed more clearly.
Anyways, it's a good start, that just needs a little more work and thought.
- Alias Blue x
2/25/2010 c1 rocknrollr
It's not bad. I suggest you add some more adjectives and it seems a little confusing in some parts to me. If you could, review my story please?
It's not bad. I suggest you add some more adjectives and it seems a little confusing in some parts to me. If you could, review my story please?
2/16/2010 c4 21Sercus Kaynine
Mojo-jojo? Ha! What a fun way to introduce someone. XD
The main problem I had with this story was just some typos and a few grammar issues. For example:
"I was longing for this to happen for the past two years, I was longing for the day he would come."
1) Those are two complete sentences, and they should be joined with a coordinating conjunction or a semi-colon.
2) The first "was" should be "had been" or "have been", because "was" doesn't make much sense tense-wise.
-
"It was working; I figure was now coming into focus."
-I think the "I figure" was just a typoe.
-
A nice confrontation here. I'm interested to see how these two will patch things up. XD
21Sercus KaynineMojo-jojo? Ha! What a fun way to introduce someone. XD
The main problem I had with this story was just some typos and a few grammar issues. For example:
"I was longing for this to happen for the past two years, I was longing for the day he would come."
1) Those are two complete sentences, and they should be joined with a coordinating conjunction or a semi-colon.
2) The first "was" should be "had been" or "have been", because "was" doesn't make much sense tense-wise.
-
"It was working; I figure was now coming into focus."
-I think the "I figure" was just a typoe.
-
A nice confrontation here. I'm interested to see how these two will patch things up. XD
2/16/2010 c1 22lipleaf
One thing that bothered me: in the beginning, reduce the number of question marks from two to one. It looks odd the way it is. You tend to switch between tenses, from present to past. Stay consistent. I spotted several mistakes dotted throughout here. Perhaps you should run through the chapters before you post them.
I do like the way that you start in the middle of the story rather than the beginning. It draws the reader in immediately and makes them want to know what's going on. It's a good way to grab attention.
22lipleafOne thing that bothered me: in the beginning, reduce the number of question marks from two to one. It looks odd the way it is. You tend to switch between tenses, from present to past. Stay consistent. I spotted several mistakes dotted throughout here. Perhaps you should run through the chapters before you post them.
I do like the way that you start in the middle of the story rather than the beginning. It draws the reader in immediately and makes them want to know what's going on. It's a good way to grab attention.
1/29/2010 c3 15A. Barone
So you have a very intriguing concept. The whole idea of dreaming and visions is a very accessable idea however I find it rather awkward to read. Mainly because I feel that the story is moving too quickly without a lot of explaination as to who Sharon really is and what she thinks about the visions. Also, your fomatting makes it rather hard to read sometimes and when you have more than one person speaking in a single paragraph the tone of the conversation sometimes gets lost. For example;
I sat there starring at something beyond the cafeteria, but in the building. “He’s coming.” I said blankly. “When!” she screamed. Instantly, everyone at our table shot glances at Laurie. Laurie and I sat there wide eyed. “Get on with your lives!” Laurie screamed out at the faces glancing at us.
could be changed to
I sat there starring at something beyond the cafeteria, but in the building. “He’s coming.” I said blankly.
“When!” she screamed.
Instantly, everyone at our table shot glances at Laurie. Laurie and I sat there wide eyed.
“Get on with your lives!” Laurie screamed out at the faces glancing at us.
Also, in this paragraph I find the characterisation to be rather odd. I don't undestand why Laurie is screaming. Is she excited? Is she upset? Is she angry? It's hard to tell and it kinda seems out of place.
Other than that I do like your story. It asks enough questions to get the reader interested and answers enough of them to make them want to read more.
Great job!
15A. BaroneSo you have a very intriguing concept. The whole idea of dreaming and visions is a very accessable idea however I find it rather awkward to read. Mainly because I feel that the story is moving too quickly without a lot of explaination as to who Sharon really is and what she thinks about the visions. Also, your fomatting makes it rather hard to read sometimes and when you have more than one person speaking in a single paragraph the tone of the conversation sometimes gets lost. For example;
I sat there starring at something beyond the cafeteria, but in the building. “He’s coming.” I said blankly. “When!” she screamed. Instantly, everyone at our table shot glances at Laurie. Laurie and I sat there wide eyed. “Get on with your lives!” Laurie screamed out at the faces glancing at us.
could be changed to
I sat there starring at something beyond the cafeteria, but in the building. “He’s coming.” I said blankly.
“When!” she screamed.
Instantly, everyone at our table shot glances at Laurie. Laurie and I sat there wide eyed.
“Get on with your lives!” Laurie screamed out at the faces glancing at us.
Also, in this paragraph I find the characterisation to be rather odd. I don't undestand why Laurie is screaming. Is she excited? Is she upset? Is she angry? It's hard to tell and it kinda seems out of place.
Other than that I do like your story. It asks enough questions to get the reader interested and answers enough of them to make them want to read more.
Great job!
1/25/2010 c3 cookiewolf
haa sorry i cba to login lol. o mysterious chpater... woahh emma's abit of a bitch...and she's in her vision which makes it double trouble lol. aww lauriee is pretty awesome aha...oh damn his gonno be elliots friend? i wonder if thats a good or bad thing lol haha left us on the egde here with your last sentence lol great chpater, hope you update soon. Goodluck with your exams btw lol. :D
haa sorry i cba to login lol. o mysterious chpater... woahh emma's abit of a bitch...and she's in her vision which makes it double trouble lol. aww lauriee is pretty awesome aha...oh damn his gonno be elliots friend? i wonder if thats a good or bad thing lol haha left us on the egde here with your last sentence lol great chpater, hope you update soon. Goodluck with your exams btw lol. :D
1/22/2010 c3 v-n-ll-y
Seems to be an interesting story, I'd like to find out who that 'blurry figure' is...
The first chapter ended rather abruptly, so maybe you could improve that by creating more suspense. Although I have the same problem with ending my chapters...
But it's a good story, looking forward to reading more.
Seems to be an interesting story, I'd like to find out who that 'blurry figure' is...
The first chapter ended rather abruptly, so maybe you could improve that by creating more suspense. Although I have the same problem with ending my chapters...
But it's a good story, looking forward to reading more.
1/22/2010 c3 62WriterOnTheMove
i really like the whole concept of this story, although i find your vocabulary very simple, it's still a nice little story.
I also like the short chapters, i really do not enjoy reading 20 chapters where each chapter is like a book of its own, it can be quite annoying.
And the hanging sentance at the end really annoys me because i have to wait, and i'm not an overly patient person, so get those exams done and update soon :)
~WriterOnTheMove~
62WriterOnTheMovei really like the whole concept of this story, although i find your vocabulary very simple, it's still a nice little story.
I also like the short chapters, i really do not enjoy reading 20 chapters where each chapter is like a book of its own, it can be quite annoying.
And the hanging sentance at the end really annoys me because i have to wait, and i'm not an overly patient person, so get those exams done and update soon :)
~WriterOnTheMove~
1/21/2010 c2 Karyn13
I really like this. You did a good job of describing Sharon...she seems a little confused, but still sure of herself. The first chapter was an excellent beginning, it was very descreet onto what was going on. Left me thinking of what could happen next. My only critque is in the first chapter, towards the end. Instead of saying overall, I did really well in school...etc... why not show how she did well in school or stayed out of drama? It just seemed kind of, oh I don't know, 'out there' after reading the third to last paragraph in chapter one. Maybe have another paragraph inbetween those to make a better transition. Overall good job, and I will be looking forward to reading more.
I really like this. You did a good job of describing Sharon...she seems a little confused, but still sure of herself. The first chapter was an excellent beginning, it was very descreet onto what was going on. Left me thinking of what could happen next. My only critque is in the first chapter, towards the end. Instead of saying overall, I did really well in school...etc... why not show how she did well in school or stayed out of drama? It just seemed kind of, oh I don't know, 'out there' after reading the third to last paragraph in chapter one. Maybe have another paragraph inbetween those to make a better transition. Overall good job, and I will be looking forward to reading more.
1/21/2010 c1 1Dazzling Dizzy Dragon
oh and by the way would you mind reading and reviewing my story, you should find a full review from me on chapter 2
1Dazzling Dizzy Dragonoh and by the way would you mind reading and reviewing my story, you should find a full review from me on chapter 2
1/21/2010 c2 Dazzling Dizzy Dragon
This is intriguing and the concept is good, I feel it has the potential to be very intresting but you are making it quite confusing by cramming so much into your chapters. The characters seem quite basic, perhaps you should describe them more, what there like ect. Try and spread the ideas out more and bulk them up by describing more,this will also help to make it longer so the reader feels theres more story to read. I feel your overwelming us slightly with the amount of information your giving. I'm going to stick with this and see where you take it as I think we guidance this story could be very good.
This is intriguing and the concept is good, I feel it has the potential to be very intresting but you are making it quite confusing by cramming so much into your chapters. The characters seem quite basic, perhaps you should describe them more, what there like ect. Try and spread the ideas out more and bulk them up by describing more,this will also help to make it longer so the reader feels theres more story to read. I feel your overwelming us slightly with the amount of information your giving. I'm going to stick with this and see where you take it as I think we guidance this story could be very good.