for The Hashims Part 1 : The Summoning6/3/2011 c5 
3ShortcakeMattie
I forgot to mention this before, but I like the names. Did you make them up? If so, well done. When I try write place or character names, they usually sound silly to me. Your names are fresh though and easy to read.
Anyway... we finally get some action. The other chapters were fine though, I just like breaking away from the palace for a change. I feel bad for the soldiers having to ride so far in the heat. Lifou sounds like an interesting character and I want to get to know him more.
-Mattie
3ShortcakeMattieI forgot to mention this before, but I like the names. Did you make them up? If so, well done. When I try write place or character names, they usually sound silly to me. Your names are fresh though and easy to read.
Anyway... we finally get some action. The other chapters were fine though, I just like breaking away from the palace for a change. I feel bad for the soldiers having to ride so far in the heat. Lifou sounds like an interesting character and I want to get to know him more.
-Mattie
6/3/2011 c4 ShortcakeMattie
This chapter was short and sweet. Dialogue was great. I thought of it as a filler chapter, but that's fine. You kept the scene flowing and didn't make it drone and on. Sorry I don't have much to comment on, other than I have to go click on the next button so I can read more. :)
-Mattie
This chapter was short and sweet. Dialogue was great. I thought of it as a filler chapter, but that's fine. You kept the scene flowing and didn't make it drone and on. Sorry I don't have much to comment on, other than I have to go click on the next button so I can read more. :)
-Mattie
6/3/2011 c3 ShortcakeMattie
He was about to start reading writing, when he heard a soft knock on the door.
Edit: I don't know if you planned on him reading and writing, but I would suggest getting rid of one of them or adding "and" between them to make it more clear.
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"Thank you, father. I take your leave."
Edit: "Thank you, Father. I take your leave."
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Great descriptions as usual. I have to agree with other reviewers though, I thought the beginning was a little boring. Things picked up once the action started though. The dialogue kept the story flowing smoothly.
-Mattie
He was about to start reading writing, when he heard a soft knock on the door.
Edit: I don't know if you planned on him reading and writing, but I would suggest getting rid of one of them or adding "and" between them to make it more clear.
-
"Thank you, father. I take your leave."
Edit: "Thank you, Father. I take your leave."
-
Great descriptions as usual. I have to agree with other reviewers though, I thought the beginning was a little boring. Things picked up once the action started though. The dialogue kept the story flowing smoothly.
-Mattie
6/3/2011 c2 ShortcakeMattie
"The fortress city was delved inside..." paragraph had good description, but I think you should break it up more.
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The man waved muttered something to a man behind the wall.
Edit: The man waved, muttering something to a man behind the wall.
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"Well, if you want it emptied, so shall it be. You have not forgotten the days when you were young. I bet you in the porridge eating competition."
Edit: "...I beat you in the porridge eating competition."
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"Good. I see that you are somewhat very weary, young boy. Your face betrays your emotions. Looks like the night disturbed you a lot."
Edit: I think the "a lot" at the end sounds awkward. Maybe try a different word or ending for the sentence?
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"It maybe that you are right and this boy shall be trained in the old schools of thought."
Edit: "It may be that you are right and this boy shall be trained in the old schools of thought."
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The dialogue was good, but I would suggest adding action between the characters as well.
You captured the character relationships well in this chapter. I can really see the friendship between the king and Genthor and the bond between Genthor and Eothan.
-Mattie
"The fortress city was delved inside..." paragraph had good description, but I think you should break it up more.
-
The man waved muttered something to a man behind the wall.
Edit: The man waved, muttering something to a man behind the wall.
-
"Well, if you want it emptied, so shall it be. You have not forgotten the days when you were young. I bet you in the porridge eating competition."
Edit: "...I beat you in the porridge eating competition."
-
"Good. I see that you are somewhat very weary, young boy. Your face betrays your emotions. Looks like the night disturbed you a lot."
Edit: I think the "a lot" at the end sounds awkward. Maybe try a different word or ending for the sentence?
-
"It maybe that you are right and this boy shall be trained in the old schools of thought."
Edit: "It may be that you are right and this boy shall be trained in the old schools of thought."
-
The dialogue was good, but I would suggest adding action between the characters as well.
You captured the character relationships well in this chapter. I can really see the friendship between the king and Genthor and the bond between Genthor and Eothan.
-Mattie
6/3/2011 c1 ShortcakeMattie
A young boy rode on a white magnificent horse with his sword hand raised. A tall keen sword he had, his armor thick and daunty. Battle waged around him, his sword dipped in black blood that dropped itself to the ground from the sword tip. Enemies did not dare to come near him. But he could see all was not well. His armies were slowly retreating. They were outnumbered. Horns were blowing, those of retreat. A man beside him lifted a bugle in answer to the horn calls. But, the young boy stopped him.
Edit: You say sword three times in the first three sentences. I would suggest using a different word or varying the sentences.
This is just my opinion, but I think "Battle waged around him, his sword dipped in black blood that dripped to ground from it's tip. Enemies didn't dare come near him" sounds better. You can keep it the other way if you want though. Just my thought. :)
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The birds did not seem birds when they neared the ground, they had huge talons, fearsome and strong wings and a huge head with a tongue spitting flames of fire.
Edit: The birds did not seem like birds when they neared the ground; they had huge talons, fearsome and strong wings, and a huge head with a tongue spitting flames of fire.
-
I liked Eothan's dream. You captured his childlike wonder and innocence well in his dream and through his dialogue with Miss Augustus. The dream could use some more showing instead of telling though. Other than that, good job! I look forward to reading more.
-Mattie
A young boy rode on a white magnificent horse with his sword hand raised. A tall keen sword he had, his armor thick and daunty. Battle waged around him, his sword dipped in black blood that dropped itself to the ground from the sword tip. Enemies did not dare to come near him. But he could see all was not well. His armies were slowly retreating. They were outnumbered. Horns were blowing, those of retreat. A man beside him lifted a bugle in answer to the horn calls. But, the young boy stopped him.
Edit: You say sword three times in the first three sentences. I would suggest using a different word or varying the sentences.
This is just my opinion, but I think "Battle waged around him, his sword dipped in black blood that dripped to ground from it's tip. Enemies didn't dare come near him" sounds better. You can keep it the other way if you want though. Just my thought. :)
-
The birds did not seem birds when they neared the ground, they had huge talons, fearsome and strong wings and a huge head with a tongue spitting flames of fire.
Edit: The birds did not seem like birds when they neared the ground; they had huge talons, fearsome and strong wings, and a huge head with a tongue spitting flames of fire.
-
I liked Eothan's dream. You captured his childlike wonder and innocence well in his dream and through his dialogue with Miss Augustus. The dream could use some more showing instead of telling though. Other than that, good job! I look forward to reading more.
-Mattie
8/30/2010 c9 8Kobra Kid
This was a fairly good chapter. Most of it was dialogue, however, which is great because you make it so realistic. However, you need to add in more description about the characters. You do very well with setting descriptions, but I have not seen a lot of character descriptions. Such as, their movements or what they are doing while they are talking. Add in more of those, and then it'll all be good. :)
Besides that, this was a great chapter. I wonder if they'll find the Lord's friend, and what he has become. Keep it up!
~B. Cross
8Kobra KidThis was a fairly good chapter. Most of it was dialogue, however, which is great because you make it so realistic. However, you need to add in more description about the characters. You do very well with setting descriptions, but I have not seen a lot of character descriptions. Such as, their movements or what they are doing while they are talking. Add in more of those, and then it'll all be good. :)
Besides that, this was a great chapter. I wonder if they'll find the Lord's friend, and what he has become. Keep it up!
~B. Cross
8/30/2010 c8 Kobra Kid
Oh wow. I didn't expect that! You did very well with describing the setting in the beginning. I could picture everything perfectly! You also wrote the suspense very well, so kudos for that! I wonder what that guy is now. Obviously, he is not a mortal man anymore...
[The body then slowly began the transformation. The piercings closed down, the shards thrown into open air. The brown skin turned hairy and the thin arms turned muscular and thick. The eyebrows became heavy and the face darker. The eyes turned red and his hair turned black. The figure slowly got up and let out a shrieking sound with his arms upwards.] Each sentence begins with 'the'. Try to mix it up a bit. It got irritating to read with each sentence beginning the same exact way
Besides that, excellent job!
~B. Cross
Oh wow. I didn't expect that! You did very well with describing the setting in the beginning. I could picture everything perfectly! You also wrote the suspense very well, so kudos for that! I wonder what that guy is now. Obviously, he is not a mortal man anymore...
[The body then slowly began the transformation. The piercings closed down, the shards thrown into open air. The brown skin turned hairy and the thin arms turned muscular and thick. The eyebrows became heavy and the face darker. The eyes turned red and his hair turned black. The figure slowly got up and let out a shrieking sound with his arms upwards.] Each sentence begins with 'the'. Try to mix it up a bit. It got irritating to read with each sentence beginning the same exact way
Besides that, excellent job!
~B. Cross
8/30/2010 c7 Kobra Kid
This was a good chapter. However, it was mostly composed of dialogue. You did great with the descriptions in the beginning, but don't lose that as the characters begin to talk. Also, the huge chunk of paragraph about the sun and moon is hard on the eyes. Think about just possibly splitting it up. I did the same exact thing in RFTA, so it's no biggy.
Besides that, good job!
~B. Cross
This was a good chapter. However, it was mostly composed of dialogue. You did great with the descriptions in the beginning, but don't lose that as the characters begin to talk. Also, the huge chunk of paragraph about the sun and moon is hard on the eyes. Think about just possibly splitting it up. I did the same exact thing in RFTA, so it's no biggy.
Besides that, good job!
~B. Cross
6/19/2010 c1 27Just Silly Me
Nice, black blood. A little scary, but still cool.
"Horns were blowing, those of retreat." While I understand this, it's a little weird... maybe "Horns of retreat were blowing."
Comma after "quietly."
The period after "fear" should be a "comma."
"Soon got the admiration"-is there a better way to voice this? gained admiration or something?
"hew"-should I know this word? xP. I don't, sadly.
the comma after "around him" isn't needed.
"The birds did not seem like birds"-"The 'birds' with huge talons, fearsome strong wings, and huge heads did not seem like birds when they neared the ground, tongues spitting flames of fire."
"the boy was wearily shocked"-"wearily" is very redundant, confusing, and doesn't fit into the context xP.
"said a matron" can't be said because of the question mark.
sustain-ahh, I love this word!
comma after "hard day today."
comma after "oh" before "yes."
Alright, hope to return more reviews with ya. Sorry this wasn't a wonderful critique, sometimes they're better... oh well, that means you're off to a great start. :3. Later!
~JSM
A review for The Roadhouse forum
27Just Silly MeNice, black blood. A little scary, but still cool.
"Horns were blowing, those of retreat." While I understand this, it's a little weird... maybe "Horns of retreat were blowing."
Comma after "quietly."
The period after "fear" should be a "comma."
"Soon got the admiration"-is there a better way to voice this? gained admiration or something?
"hew"-should I know this word? xP. I don't, sadly.
the comma after "around him" isn't needed.
"The birds did not seem like birds"-"The 'birds' with huge talons, fearsome strong wings, and huge heads did not seem like birds when they neared the ground, tongues spitting flames of fire."
"the boy was wearily shocked"-"wearily" is very redundant, confusing, and doesn't fit into the context xP.
"said a matron" can't be said because of the question mark.
sustain-ahh, I love this word!
comma after "hard day today."
comma after "oh" before "yes."
Alright, hope to return more reviews with ya. Sorry this wasn't a wonderful critique, sometimes they're better... oh well, that means you're off to a great start. :3. Later!
~JSM
A review for The Roadhouse forum
6/19/2010 c1 1Darksmiter
A nice beginning and a clear captivation of a young mind. A very nice carefree start to the story that will set in the realm of Tolkien-esque fantasy. Your writing is also very reminiscent of the story-telling style of Tolkien fantasy. Generally, a good start to any tale that leaves the reader feeling warm and fuzzy inside from the childish innocence of Eothan. Well done!
1DarksmiterA nice beginning and a clear captivation of a young mind. A very nice carefree start to the story that will set in the realm of Tolkien-esque fantasy. Your writing is also very reminiscent of the story-telling style of Tolkien fantasy. Generally, a good start to any tale that leaves the reader feeling warm and fuzzy inside from the childish innocence of Eothan. Well done!
6/16/2010 c1 4Darknessfalls-1120
This was a nice introduction, I like how the word flowed and the descriptions. This reminded me of an old folk lore, or knight's tale. It drew me in and now I'm interested in how this boy will live up to his prophecy.
4Darknessfalls-1120This was a nice introduction, I like how the word flowed and the descriptions. This reminded me of an old folk lore, or knight's tale. It drew me in and now I'm interested in how this boy will live up to his prophecy.
6/12/2010 c1 9Experiment101
This paints an excellent picture for the reader, and tells an excellent beginning.
9Experiment101This paints an excellent picture for the reader, and tells an excellent beginning.
6/9/2010 c1 1esthaelum
Ooh. This was a really hooking start! I loved it! I loved the dream sequence. It had that hint of danger and tension within it. I found it a bit distracting to read because it was in italics though. Nevertheless, this was a good start. I wonder what the dreams mean... I wonder what will happen... Anyway, Eothan is a great name, I loved it!
From the Roadhouse~
Pretty please return via The Unwanted?~
1esthaelumOoh. This was a really hooking start! I loved it! I loved the dream sequence. It had that hint of danger and tension within it. I found it a bit distracting to read because it was in italics though. Nevertheless, this was a good start. I wonder what the dreams mean... I wonder what will happen... Anyway, Eothan is a great name, I loved it!
From the Roadhouse~
Pretty please return via The Unwanted?~
6/9/2010 c3 Broken Bird
The first part of the chapter seemed stiff and sort of forced. I had to make myself read on.
The dialougue's okay, but not much is really *happening*. It would help if one of the chapters were a 'plot chapter'. Just some real develpment to the plot.
Other than that, it's pretty good. You have a lot of descriptions, which is good for imagery but not so good for pace. The story seems to be dragging.
review returned ;)
The first part of the chapter seemed stiff and sort of forced. I had to make myself read on.
The dialougue's okay, but not much is really *happening*. It would help if one of the chapters were a 'plot chapter'. Just some real develpment to the plot.
Other than that, it's pretty good. You have a lot of descriptions, which is good for imagery but not so good for pace. The story seems to be dragging.
review returned ;)
6/7/2010 c1 1jeinee
This starts off really nice- The word choice and the description is great. I think you should try to add more "showing not telling" to it though. Other than that it's pretty good.
Since the boy's supposed to still be shocked from his dream, you should try to show more of how the dream affected him between the sentences where he's explaining what he saw in his dream instead of clamming the whole exclamation into pure dialogue. That way the reader can tell how dramatic the dream actually was, and the impact it has on the character.
1jeineeThis starts off really nice- The word choice and the description is great. I think you should try to add more "showing not telling" to it though. Other than that it's pretty good.
Since the boy's supposed to still be shocked from his dream, you should try to show more of how the dream affected him between the sentences where he's explaining what he saw in his dream instead of clamming the whole exclamation into pure dialogue. That way the reader can tell how dramatic the dream actually was, and the impact it has on the character.