for The Hashims Part 1 : The Summoning6/7/2010 c1 
2GRudge
Fantastic ending! This was a great prologue! I also found his name to be awesome as well. I can't wait to see him slowly getting older and getting stronger. When he had first woke up, i thought he was having nightmares about his past, but at the end it cleared up for me.
GRudge
Would love reviews via Ra
2GRudgeFantastic ending! This was a great prologue! I also found his name to be awesome as well. I can't wait to see him slowly getting older and getting stronger. When he had first woke up, i thought he was having nightmares about his past, but at the end it cleared up for me.
GRudge
Would love reviews via Ra
6/7/2010 c1 1esurio08
"Dragons!" shouted the men in despair.
"Dragons!" a boy shouted, as he got up from his little bed. The boy was warily shocked by what he had seen. Despair was written in his face as if what he had seen was already happening.
- For me, those were the best lines in this prologue. I liked the transition very much.
I had a pretty good idea on what the story is going to be about. I don't see much to improve here for it was very well-written.
Just a thought though, this line:
"As soon as Eothan had left the room, the matron laid down his bed"
I think you should change "laid" to "lay," which is the past tense of lie. It would seem quite funny if the matron laid down the bed, that would make her incredibly strong.
Other than that, good prologue! :D
1esurio08"Dragons!" shouted the men in despair.
"Dragons!" a boy shouted, as he got up from his little bed. The boy was warily shocked by what he had seen. Despair was written in his face as if what he had seen was already happening.
- For me, those were the best lines in this prologue. I liked the transition very much.
I had a pretty good idea on what the story is going to be about. I don't see much to improve here for it was very well-written.
Just a thought though, this line:
"As soon as Eothan had left the room, the matron laid down his bed"
I think you should change "laid" to "lay," which is the past tense of lie. It would seem quite funny if the matron laid down the bed, that would make her incredibly strong.
Other than that, good prologue! :D
6/7/2010 c3 Alice Novak
Hm.. I read the prologue then the other two chapters.
In general, I think this is a very... Fantasy cliche kinda story.
The prologue drew me in,
But then chapters one and two just kinda died.
I think this is because there's too much description and there's not much going on.
In addition, the dialogue isn't all that interesting either.
It's like cliche exchange between Fantasy characters in an RPG..
No offence.
So, to improve, I suggest a thorough rewrite.
Make the uninteresting scenes more interesting!
And add in some weird twist in the beginning.
That'll be awesome! XD
Deli .x
Hm.. I read the prologue then the other two chapters.
In general, I think this is a very... Fantasy cliche kinda story.
The prologue drew me in,
But then chapters one and two just kinda died.
I think this is because there's too much description and there's not much going on.
In addition, the dialogue isn't all that interesting either.
It's like cliche exchange between Fantasy characters in an RPG..
No offence.
So, to improve, I suggest a thorough rewrite.
Make the uninteresting scenes more interesting!
And add in some weird twist in the beginning.
That'll be awesome! XD
Deli .x
6/6/2010 c1 23AvidWriter-92
hey, Vrom. :)
I liked this a lot... It really has me hooked. :D I really like stories about prophecies that come true. Lol.
I think that this was really well written, but in a few places, it seemed a bit unnatural. I would advise you to make your sentences a bit longer, so it doesn't sound so choppy. :P
I'm excited to read more of this story. :D
~Avid. :) Roadhouse...
Repaid your review you gave me a long time ago. :3 (1/1)
23AvidWriter-92hey, Vrom. :)
I liked this a lot... It really has me hooked. :D I really like stories about prophecies that come true. Lol.
I think that this was really well written, but in a few places, it seemed a bit unnatural. I would advise you to make your sentences a bit longer, so it doesn't sound so choppy. :P
I'm excited to read more of this story. :D
~Avid. :) Roadhouse...
Repaid your review you gave me a long time ago. :3 (1/1)
6/4/2010 c1 Broken Bird
It seems a bit forced and awkward in places. For instance, the reader should be able to realize the first part is a dream without you stating it twice. Also, at the end when the matron is talking, it seems like you're trying to cram in the dreams are visions and there's a prophecy. It seems like there are smoother ways you could do it.
Good plot from what I can tell so far.
It seems a bit forced and awkward in places. For instance, the reader should be able to realize the first part is a dream without you stating it twice. Also, at the end when the matron is talking, it seems like you're trying to cram in the dreams are visions and there's a prophecy. It seems like there are smoother ways you could do it.
Good plot from what I can tell so far.
6/4/2010 c6 8Kobra Kid
Good descriptions as usual! Just dont get carried about with the telling part of the story. Remember: show dont tell! I think it was okay in this chapter, but don't overload us.
Yay for supernatural/fantasy related things such as dragons and visions! :D. Haha.
Once again, great dialogue! Keep it up!
~B. Cross
P.S. You are repaid in full! I have also reviewed your friends story! :). Thanks for all of the reviews on RFTA! :D
8Kobra KidGood descriptions as usual! Just dont get carried about with the telling part of the story. Remember: show dont tell! I think it was okay in this chapter, but don't overload us.
Yay for supernatural/fantasy related things such as dragons and visions! :D. Haha.
Once again, great dialogue! Keep it up!
~B. Cross
P.S. You are repaid in full! I have also reviewed your friends story! :). Thanks for all of the reviews on RFTA! :D
6/4/2010 c5 Kobra Kid
Poor soldiers. T.T. Like the heat isn't enough, they don't have any water whatsoever.
I don't think that Eothan would keep on repeating Uncle Genthor. Just Uncle would be fine. :).
Besides that, good job! I think I'm gonna like this new character, Lifou. :). Onto the next chapter!
~B. Cross
Poor soldiers. T.T. Like the heat isn't enough, they don't have any water whatsoever.
I don't think that Eothan would keep on repeating Uncle Genthor. Just Uncle would be fine. :).
Besides that, good job! I think I'm gonna like this new character, Lifou. :). Onto the next chapter!
~B. Cross
6/4/2010 c4 Kobra Kid
A short but sweet chapter. nothing really to comment on, you do excellent with dialogue..just a few more descriptions and it should be awesome. :)
~B. Cross
A short but sweet chapter. nothing really to comment on, you do excellent with dialogue..just a few more descriptions and it should be awesome. :)
~B. Cross
6/4/2010 c3 Kobra Kid
The beginining seemed sorta forced to me, just a few edits can fix that though. :)
Besides that, I really did enjoy this chapter! The dialogue was excellent and you had some good descriptions! :D.
~B. Cross
The beginining seemed sorta forced to me, just a few edits can fix that though. :)
Besides that, I really did enjoy this chapter! The dialogue was excellent and you had some good descriptions! :D.
~B. Cross
6/4/2010 c2 Kobra Kid
Nice descriptions! :). I hate it when authors leave out descriptions because they think that they're "boring", but youre descriptions are fantastic!
Nice dialogue as well! :). Very engaging!
Unique names, I like them!
Ohh, a prophecy! :D. Awesome!
Great job! I didn't see any problems!
~B. Cross
Nice descriptions! :). I hate it when authors leave out descriptions because they think that they're "boring", but youre descriptions are fantastic!
Nice dialogue as well! :). Very engaging!
Unique names, I like them!
Ohh, a prophecy! :D. Awesome!
Great job! I didn't see any problems!
~B. Cross
6/4/2010 c1 12lianoid
I think this was a pretty good prologue. It had quite a bit of action, which is always a nice way to begin a story, as well as a pleasant exchange between the young boy and his matron. I figured his dream wasn’t just any old dream, but in fact a prophecy or glimpse into the future. I’m a little wary of prophecies to be honest, but I’m confident you’ll be able to spin this into something unique.
I found the dialogue a little formal, but I believe that’s what you’re going with. With my own story, I wanted to use high diction, however as the story progressed I found that it was difficult to maintain without it sounding awkward and stiff. It might work for your story, but I would keep a careful eye on it; sometimes the formality turns readers away (although of course we write for ourselves, so this is purely me blathering).
Overall this was an exciting opening. It seems like this young boy has quite a future ahead of him. I might be good to specify just how old he is, though. When I hear “boy” I think somewhere around or before the preteens. Either way, excellent stuff; keep it up
First line
-Edit: Consider changing “magnificent” to “impressive” to read: “A young boy rode on an impressive white mare (or horse) with his sword hand raised.” – Also, consider revising “his word hand raised” to something like “with his sword hand raised in [attack]” or whatever other action might suit.
Battle waged around him, his sword dipped in black blood that dropped itself to the ground from the sword tip.
-Edit: Consider revising to read: “...his sword dripping with black blood that ran down the length of the sword, falling to the ground from the tip.” Or “...his sword drooling” (I’m a big fan of personification, so this is merely personal preference)
Horns were blowing, those of retreat.
-Personal: Try: “Horns of retreat echoed through the air” or “Horns sounding loudly across the battlefield snapped the [men] out of their [bloodthirsty] trance, [forcing] them to answer the call of retreat” or anything else that would spice that line up a bit. :)
"Go, Radarin, fast and without fear."
-Edit: Change the period to a comma.
The young boy soon got the admiration.
-Edit: Consider revising to read: “The young boy soon had their admiration”
He looked down on the ground that was stained by blood.
-Personal: Try: “His gaze fell to the ground that was stained with the blood of his comrades” or “His gaze fell to the ground that was stained with blood.”
The enemy closed down upon them, they had formed a huge circle around them.
-Edit: Consider: “The enemy swooped down upon them, forming a large circle to herd them into their greedy claws” or “The enemy swooped down upon them, forming a large circle to trap them.”
The boy knew they were doomed, but they would fight nonetheless, till their last breath, or until their strength waned to oblivion.
-Excellent sentence. Such a powerful description.
But now, do not trouble yourselves...
-Edit: Change “yourselves” to “yourself”
-Also, the paragraph that this sentence is contained in, is somewhat lengthy (not *too* lengthy, but I just think you could throw a bit of description/actions in there to improve the flow of it a bit more. How is she standing? Where is she standing? What are her facial expressions? How is he reacting (physically) to her words?
The boy smiled gently, the weariness of the dreams had never gone away from the young mind.
-Personal: Try: “The boy smiled gently, the weariness of the dream never straying from his young mind” or “...the weariness of the dream never leaving his mind.”
I assure you, Miss Augustus. That I am going to hunt down fourteen bears for you.
-Edit: Change the period after her name, to a comma.
12lianoidI think this was a pretty good prologue. It had quite a bit of action, which is always a nice way to begin a story, as well as a pleasant exchange between the young boy and his matron. I figured his dream wasn’t just any old dream, but in fact a prophecy or glimpse into the future. I’m a little wary of prophecies to be honest, but I’m confident you’ll be able to spin this into something unique.
I found the dialogue a little formal, but I believe that’s what you’re going with. With my own story, I wanted to use high diction, however as the story progressed I found that it was difficult to maintain without it sounding awkward and stiff. It might work for your story, but I would keep a careful eye on it; sometimes the formality turns readers away (although of course we write for ourselves, so this is purely me blathering).
Overall this was an exciting opening. It seems like this young boy has quite a future ahead of him. I might be good to specify just how old he is, though. When I hear “boy” I think somewhere around or before the preteens. Either way, excellent stuff; keep it up
First line
-Edit: Consider changing “magnificent” to “impressive” to read: “A young boy rode on an impressive white mare (or horse) with his sword hand raised.” – Also, consider revising “his word hand raised” to something like “with his sword hand raised in [attack]” or whatever other action might suit.
Battle waged around him, his sword dipped in black blood that dropped itself to the ground from the sword tip.
-Edit: Consider revising to read: “...his sword dripping with black blood that ran down the length of the sword, falling to the ground from the tip.” Or “...his sword drooling” (I’m a big fan of personification, so this is merely personal preference)
Horns were blowing, those of retreat.
-Personal: Try: “Horns of retreat echoed through the air” or “Horns sounding loudly across the battlefield snapped the [men] out of their [bloodthirsty] trance, [forcing] them to answer the call of retreat” or anything else that would spice that line up a bit. :)
"Go, Radarin, fast and without fear."
-Edit: Change the period to a comma.
The young boy soon got the admiration.
-Edit: Consider revising to read: “The young boy soon had their admiration”
He looked down on the ground that was stained by blood.
-Personal: Try: “His gaze fell to the ground that was stained with the blood of his comrades” or “His gaze fell to the ground that was stained with blood.”
The enemy closed down upon them, they had formed a huge circle around them.
-Edit: Consider: “The enemy swooped down upon them, forming a large circle to herd them into their greedy claws” or “The enemy swooped down upon them, forming a large circle to trap them.”
The boy knew they were doomed, but they would fight nonetheless, till their last breath, or until their strength waned to oblivion.
-Excellent sentence. Such a powerful description.
But now, do not trouble yourselves...
-Edit: Change “yourselves” to “yourself”
-Also, the paragraph that this sentence is contained in, is somewhat lengthy (not *too* lengthy, but I just think you could throw a bit of description/actions in there to improve the flow of it a bit more. How is she standing? Where is she standing? What are her facial expressions? How is he reacting (physically) to her words?
The boy smiled gently, the weariness of the dreams had never gone away from the young mind.
-Personal: Try: “The boy smiled gently, the weariness of the dream never straying from his young mind” or “...the weariness of the dream never leaving his mind.”
I assure you, Miss Augustus. That I am going to hunt down fourteen bears for you.
-Edit: Change the period after her name, to a comma.
6/3/2010 c2 TymCon
"for all things happening amiss.", if you want to save some words you can delete happening and amiss.
"the secret gate.", if everybody on the lower level knew about the secret gate wouldn't they sell it to the enemy?
"The man who stood on the ridge was delighted to see that he had reached his destination at the correct time, the time that he had intended to before he set forth. He was in time, so that he could take young Eothan to the hunt as soon as noon made way to dusk.", time gets a slight bit repetitive in this part.
"He mounted the horse and tapped his mane.", the horses mane or his mane?
Now preety good. But be careful. Youre dialogue could get stuffy if your not careful. Not stuffy but full if you know what i mean. And youre description can be a bit sparse. But it's preety good.
Please repay to Derek
"for all things happening amiss.", if you want to save some words you can delete happening and amiss.
"the secret gate.", if everybody on the lower level knew about the secret gate wouldn't they sell it to the enemy?
"The man who stood on the ridge was delighted to see that he had reached his destination at the correct time, the time that he had intended to before he set forth. He was in time, so that he could take young Eothan to the hunt as soon as noon made way to dusk.", time gets a slight bit repetitive in this part.
"He mounted the horse and tapped his mane.", the horses mane or his mane?
Now preety good. But be careful. Youre dialogue could get stuffy if your not careful. Not stuffy but full if you know what i mean. And youre description can be a bit sparse. But it's preety good.
Please repay to Derek
6/3/2010 c1 TymCon
Wow nice chapter. It's short so i don't have much critiscm. I guess a bit of telling at the very end. God im just gonna review the next chapter, this isn't a goo dreviewXD
Wow nice chapter. It's short so i don't have much critiscm. I guess a bit of telling at the very end. God im just gonna review the next chapter, this isn't a goo dreviewXD
6/2/2010 c2 Gaeia
Hi...I started reading it recently only..sorry for that...i actually liked the portions i have read...i am now hooked into it...well more reviews will come after i read the rest...
Hi...I started reading it recently only..sorry for that...i actually liked the portions i have read...i am now hooked into it...well more reviews will come after i read the rest...
5/31/2010 c1 4lookingwest
From RH
Ahh, you're right, I think I might enjoy this more.
A tall keen sword he had, his armor thick and daunty
-Edit: as other reviewers have corrected, change "daunty" to either "jaunty" or "daunted" like MeAsIAm suggested.
The young boy soon got the admiration.
-Edit: doesn't read right. I actually don't know what you're trying to say here, you're using "admiration" in the wrong context...maybe, "The young boy soon received admiration from his peers".
Many enemy necks he hew...
-Fun word choice there, I've never actually heard that used before!
So I wrote a big thing about how I dislike the use of italics in FP stories and how I thought you should just use a line divider and un-italicize the first part-but then eh, I changed my mind in this case. I think you segway from the nightmare really well, and that's probably the strongest part of this story thus far. Your opening dream sequence was very vivid for a dream, I'd certainly be freaking out like the boy too, XD. I can also sense, as from even your other story, (and if your profile is any indication) that you are heavily influenced by J.R.R. Tolkien. I can really see it here, and I think you drew traces from him in the right places that showed great potential for high fantasy elements.
About how young is this boy after he wakes up from the dream? I'm not sure that his discourse in his dialogue is reading at his age group. He sounds like he could be in his teens from his dialogue, but I sense he's supposed to be much younger than that.
They come once in a while and you have to sustain them.
-"Sustain" here means, "to remember and keep alive"-I don't think that's what you intended. A more fitting word might be "you have to forget them", or "you have to suppress them".
Your ending certainly made this a prologue of sorts, and it's justly described as being one. I feel we're going to get the basic prophicized hero story setup here, the lone hero too, most likely-but I'll be looking forward to how you take that motif and make it your own, and get creative with it. I can already see that the dragons part is a great flair of creativity. I look forward to seeing how you separate this story from all the other high fantasy ones floating around on FP, it certainly shows promise.
4lookingwestFrom RH
Ahh, you're right, I think I might enjoy this more.
A tall keen sword he had, his armor thick and daunty
-Edit: as other reviewers have corrected, change "daunty" to either "jaunty" or "daunted" like MeAsIAm suggested.
The young boy soon got the admiration.
-Edit: doesn't read right. I actually don't know what you're trying to say here, you're using "admiration" in the wrong context...maybe, "The young boy soon received admiration from his peers".
Many enemy necks he hew...
-Fun word choice there, I've never actually heard that used before!
So I wrote a big thing about how I dislike the use of italics in FP stories and how I thought you should just use a line divider and un-italicize the first part-but then eh, I changed my mind in this case. I think you segway from the nightmare really well, and that's probably the strongest part of this story thus far. Your opening dream sequence was very vivid for a dream, I'd certainly be freaking out like the boy too, XD. I can also sense, as from even your other story, (and if your profile is any indication) that you are heavily influenced by J.R.R. Tolkien. I can really see it here, and I think you drew traces from him in the right places that showed great potential for high fantasy elements.
About how young is this boy after he wakes up from the dream? I'm not sure that his discourse in his dialogue is reading at his age group. He sounds like he could be in his teens from his dialogue, but I sense he's supposed to be much younger than that.
They come once in a while and you have to sustain them.
-"Sustain" here means, "to remember and keep alive"-I don't think that's what you intended. A more fitting word might be "you have to forget them", or "you have to suppress them".
Your ending certainly made this a prologue of sorts, and it's justly described as being one. I feel we're going to get the basic prophicized hero story setup here, the lone hero too, most likely-but I'll be looking forward to how you take that motif and make it your own, and get creative with it. I can already see that the dragons part is a great flair of creativity. I look forward to seeing how you separate this story from all the other high fantasy ones floating around on FP, it certainly shows promise.