for The Hashims Part 1 : The Summoning5/30/2010 c1 
6MeAsIAm
The beginning is very interesting. The characterization of the two persons - the boy and the matron is good.
Again, there are awkward moments with the text that make you pause and wonder.
his armor thick and /daunty/[daunting]
The young boy soon got the admiration. - this does not figure well.
The enemy closed down upon them,/ they had formed a huge circle around them. / forming a huge circle around them
There are a few more things that need to be looked after.
I liked the description of the first fight. It seemed very real and the images appeared before my eyes. Good job.
6MeAsIAmThe beginning is very interesting. The characterization of the two persons - the boy and the matron is good.
Again, there are awkward moments with the text that make you pause and wonder.
his armor thick and /daunty/[daunting]
The young boy soon got the admiration. - this does not figure well.
The enemy closed down upon them,/ they had formed a huge circle around them. / forming a huge circle around them
There are a few more things that need to be looked after.
I liked the description of the first fight. It seemed very real and the images appeared before my eyes. Good job.
1/21/2010 c13 4Smylealong
Hi,
its me, Andy. The story so far is pretty good. I am eager to know more. Good job
4SmylealongHi,
its me, Andy. The story so far is pretty good. I am eager to know more. Good job
1/14/2010 c2 8PencilSketchS
It sounds like trouble is on the way. In Eothan's dream he was riding Genthor's horse... I wonder why that is. This need for learning the old ways sounds ominous.
So now we've gotten to know Genthor a bit. The only criticism is that the dialogue is hard to read sometimes. I know it's meant to come off as old fashioned though.
I'll read and review the next chapter soon. I can't wait for the hunt to start. That and the magic :)
Pencils
8PencilSketchSIt sounds like trouble is on the way. In Eothan's dream he was riding Genthor's horse... I wonder why that is. This need for learning the old ways sounds ominous.
So now we've gotten to know Genthor a bit. The only criticism is that the dialogue is hard to read sometimes. I know it's meant to come off as old fashioned though.
I'll read and review the next chapter soon. I can't wait for the hunt to start. That and the magic :)
Pencils
1/14/2010 c1 PencilSketchS
Wow, what an interesting begining (the enthusiast in me is screaming "SO COOL!") Although the word 'daunty' in the first paragraph should be 'jaunty' (just thought I'd let you know).
It sounds like it's going to be quite an epic. I'm excited to see what Eothan is going to get up to. And I mean, dragons...it's been a while since I've read an epic, and this one has wars and dragons and a solid, interesting hero, which are all my favourite things about epics. Now all you need to throw in is an elf, or a mischievous sidekick.
But really, this sounds like it's going to be a fin story. I'm off to read the next chapter now.
Wow, what an interesting begining (the enthusiast in me is screaming "SO COOL!") Although the word 'daunty' in the first paragraph should be 'jaunty' (just thought I'd let you know).
It sounds like it's going to be quite an epic. I'm excited to see what Eothan is going to get up to. And I mean, dragons...it's been a while since I've read an epic, and this one has wars and dragons and a solid, interesting hero, which are all my favourite things about epics. Now all you need to throw in is an elf, or a mischievous sidekick.
But really, this sounds like it's going to be a fin story. I'm off to read the next chapter now.
1/13/2010 c1 1Maguro Kazuo
Awesome story line. I like how well described the story is. It's vivid yet it still gives the reader some freedom to imagine what they're seeing. Overall interesting story and I truly hope you continue with this type of style.
1Maguro KazuoAwesome story line. I like how well described the story is. It's vivid yet it still gives the reader some freedom to imagine what they're seeing. Overall interesting story and I truly hope you continue with this type of style.
1/11/2010 c3 1bookwormbelle
Sorry it's taken so long for me to read and review!
The beginning of the chapter doesn't read well for me. Some things seem... forced? Examples:
"People thronged the streets and made merry."
"The lights were brighter than the other days. Yes, the city was lit up by lamps all the time..."
"He was a good judge of people, very mature for his age."
This is just my opinion of course and I hope you don't take offense to it. Just those three in particular, and especially in context, don't get my attention.
That being said, I did really enjoy this chapter.
I don't think I mentioned this before, but the names are great!
1bookwormbelleSorry it's taken so long for me to read and review!
The beginning of the chapter doesn't read well for me. Some things seem... forced? Examples:
"People thronged the streets and made merry."
"The lights were brighter than the other days. Yes, the city was lit up by lamps all the time..."
"He was a good judge of people, very mature for his age."
This is just my opinion of course and I hope you don't take offense to it. Just those three in particular, and especially in context, don't get my attention.
That being said, I did really enjoy this chapter.
I don't think I mentioned this before, but the names are great!
1/11/2010 c1 8Kobra Kid
Wow, great dream sequence and prolouge! :] It had great battle details and showed the mayhem and chaos reigning over the bloody battlefield. awesome job!
I definitely liked this line: "Despair was written in his face as if what he had seen was already happening." It created a great image in my head!
Awesome job!
~Broken Cross (formerly Crymson Black just so ya know)
8Kobra KidWow, great dream sequence and prolouge! :] It had great battle details and showed the mayhem and chaos reigning over the bloody battlefield. awesome job!
I definitely liked this line: "Despair was written in his face as if what he had seen was already happening." It created a great image in my head!
Awesome job!
~Broken Cross (formerly Crymson Black just so ya know)
1/11/2010 c4 1Phoenix Octavia Bright
This chapter is more fluent than your other chapters. It isn't filled with heave language the whole time. Keep it up.
PB
1Phoenix Octavia BrightThis chapter is more fluent than your other chapters. It isn't filled with heave language the whole time. Keep it up.
PB
1/11/2010 c2 Phoenix Octavia Bright
I admire your ability to write this type of language, although I wish that you would include a little more fluency. I have read many stories in this sort of setting and I know that they aren't easy to read, if its a little stiff. The story is good, but I still think it's a little stiff.
PB
I admire your ability to write this type of language, although I wish that you would include a little more fluency. I have read many stories in this sort of setting and I know that they aren't easy to read, if its a little stiff. The story is good, but I still think it's a little stiff.
PB
1/11/2010 c1 Phoenix Octavia Bright
The beginning was interesting, but I do think that the language the characters speak, is a little stiff. This can soon become boring, for it lacks a certain fluency.
PB
The beginning was interesting, but I do think that the language the characters speak, is a little stiff. This can soon become boring, for it lacks a certain fluency.
PB
1/9/2010 c1 4FoSizzle
I liked the prologue and it makes me want to read more! Very dramatic. -.-
There's a few errors with punctuation, but nothing that affected the feel of the story and how smoothly you could read it, so good job for that! I'm going to have to start reading more of this! :)
4FoSizzleI liked the prologue and it makes me want to read more! Very dramatic. -.-
There's a few errors with punctuation, but nothing that affected the feel of the story and how smoothly you could read it, so good job for that! I'm going to have to start reading more of this! :)
1/8/2010 c1 27DreamAHero
Interesting beginning. You've made it obvious there's more to this than there is at first glance. The detail is good, not too overbearing, but enough to get an idea for them most part. It seems like this will be a good action story that I can read in my free time. Good job.
27DreamAHeroInteresting beginning. You've made it obvious there's more to this than there is at first glance. The detail is good, not too overbearing, but enough to get an idea for them most part. It seems like this will be a good action story that I can read in my free time. Good job.
1/7/2010 c1 8sealednectar
Good start to the story.
'thick and daunty'-jaunty
'“Go, Radarin, fast and without fear.”' in his horse’s ear-comma, not full stop
'defeated anyways.' -anyway
8sealednectarGood start to the story.
'thick and daunty'-jaunty
'“Go, Radarin, fast and without fear.”' in his horse’s ear-comma, not full stop
'defeated anyways.' -anyway
1/7/2010 c1 6ephemeral dance
Welcome to the Roadhouse. :3
First, I like the style- almost old-fashioned, yet familiar, like reading an old, favorite fantasy novel- of this piece, as it ties in with the genre, etc.
The dream was neat and it will obviously reflect a future scene in the actually story with Eothan. Normally I don't like the whole "pre-destined blah blah" shtuff, normally aiming towards "helpless boy is thrown into a shitstorm," but I'm willing to get over that for a few minutes, because I think that this story is really promising.
If I may make a slight nitpick, be sure to show and not tell, if you know what I mean. For instance,
[“Dragons?” said a matron who looked in her late twenties, with a questioning look on her face.] Instead of simply saying "with a questioning look on her face," give it a punch! You can describe so much here in terms of the matron- what she looks like, if her face is contorted with worry, etc. But that's just a suggestion.
Overall, this is a nice little prologue. I will be sure to read more in the future, so be sure to stick around the Roadhouse for a while! :3
6ephemeral danceWelcome to the Roadhouse. :3
First, I like the style- almost old-fashioned, yet familiar, like reading an old, favorite fantasy novel- of this piece, as it ties in with the genre, etc.
The dream was neat and it will obviously reflect a future scene in the actually story with Eothan. Normally I don't like the whole "pre-destined blah blah" shtuff, normally aiming towards "helpless boy is thrown into a shitstorm," but I'm willing to get over that for a few minutes, because I think that this story is really promising.
If I may make a slight nitpick, be sure to show and not tell, if you know what I mean. For instance,
[“Dragons?” said a matron who looked in her late twenties, with a questioning look on her face.] Instead of simply saying "with a questioning look on her face," give it a punch! You can describe so much here in terms of the matron- what she looks like, if her face is contorted with worry, etc. But that's just a suggestion.
Overall, this is a nice little prologue. I will be sure to read more in the future, so be sure to stick around the Roadhouse for a while! :3
1/6/2010 c2 1bookwormbelle
The first chapter read kind of like a list, which I usually hate, but seemed to work really well here. I'm sorry, I'm not too familiar with this type of fantasy fiction, but I commend your ability to use this type of language, which I supposed comes from experience with the genre.
It well written and I will continue to read the story once you add more chapters.
1bookwormbelleThe first chapter read kind of like a list, which I usually hate, but seemed to work really well here. I'm sorry, I'm not too familiar with this type of fantasy fiction, but I commend your ability to use this type of language, which I supposed comes from experience with the genre.
It well written and I will continue to read the story once you add more chapters.