for I Should Have Let Him Choke5/1/2014 c5 
8DawnSister
Oh what a shame you decided to stop. Jared and Samantha seemed interesting characters. I would be very interested to see where you hoped this story would go.
You say you still have ideas and don't have writer's block, please write some more. If it's not this story then start another one. I'd love to see what else is in you.
Dawn
8DawnSisterOh what a shame you decided to stop. Jared and Samantha seemed interesting characters. I would be very interested to see where you hoped this story would go.
You say you still have ideas and don't have writer's block, please write some more. If it's not this story then start another one. I'd love to see what else is in you.
Dawn
5/28/2012 c5 1Souless-Apparition
this is such a shame you're an excellent writer i wish you would continue but i get what you mean about your mood being fickle. if someone does take you up on the offer to continue it could you update this to let me know? i'd love to see where someone takes this.
1Souless-Apparitionthis is such a shame you're an excellent writer i wish you would continue but i get what you mean about your mood being fickle. if someone does take you up on the offer to continue it could you update this to let me know? i'd love to see where someone takes this.
3/1/2010 c4 1Hysterical Smiles
love it! you should continue! oh and about the chapter with jared's pov... it almost sounded like you rushed it. almost like you were just trying to get it over and done with ya know? idk i have little experience with pov changes myself but that's my opinion for ya. but i think you should totally update this story, it's coming around nicely
1Hysterical Smileslove it! you should continue! oh and about the chapter with jared's pov... it almost sounded like you rushed it. almost like you were just trying to get it over and done with ya know? idk i have little experience with pov changes myself but that's my opinion for ya. but i think you should totally update this story, it's coming around nicely
1/31/2010 c4 thistlepaws
Cute story. I hope you continue it. As far as the second person's POV goes I think it worked and was important to establish why Jared would try to talk to her and also to dispel some of Samantha's assumptions about him. I did a complete 180 on my opinion of him after reading his POV.
I've written fan fiction with 2 people's point of view and since you asked in your author notes, when I write it plays out in my head like a movie, complete with dialogue and facial expressions, hand gestures etc.
Cheers.
Cute story. I hope you continue it. As far as the second person's POV goes I think it worked and was important to establish why Jared would try to talk to her and also to dispel some of Samantha's assumptions about him. I did a complete 180 on my opinion of him after reading his POV.
I've written fan fiction with 2 people's point of view and since you asked in your author notes, when I write it plays out in my head like a movie, complete with dialogue and facial expressions, hand gestures etc.
Cheers.
1/26/2010 c4 17mousegirl05
A good chapter!
Here again, we have her showing us (mostly) what she told us in the prologue (the make-up, the early to school/library). But here, the reader's already engaged in the story, so it's character building, not info-dumping.
I am not personally a fan of antagonizing the reader. (-I love my hoodie, leave me alone.-) Most readers will identify very strongly with her love for her hoodie. Their safety-blanket may not be a hoodie, but most people have at least one. While we all understand the defensiveness over our safety-blankets, being told, in so many words, to 'back off' is a little irritating. You know? We're agreeing with her, and she snaps at us. While some characters ARE supposed to be combative, you don't want to alienate your reader. They'll run off to find a character that won't. It's a fine line to walk. She doesn’t seem like she wants to be combative though-but that she wants to be left alone. Belligerence only breeds further confrontation.
Just as you've let this worn hoodie help define your character, music can be HUGELY descriptive. I know that you said she doesn't pay attention to it, but how much doesn't she pay attention? Does she pay such little attention that she has everything from rap to classical to reggae to disco to punk to honky-tonk? In that case, where does she GET said collection? Does she have music she REFUSES to listen to (she seems pretty strong on her dislikes, after all)? Is her background metal? Is it country? Is it Latin? Is she a fan of Simon and Garfunkle? the Beetles? Saying nothing about her music isn't bad, simply missing on a chance to build her as a character-just like you've done with her book selection. Based on the genre and its avid readers, we learn a great amount about this character without you having to tell us much.
Holy crap! Where does she live and what time of year is it that school starts before the sun rises? I remember leaving for school before the sun plenty of times, but usually the walk required far more than sweater and the sun was always up by the first bell. Maybe you don't mean sunrise? Is it just getting higher? Geeze… or does her school day really start at such an unholy hour? *shivers*
What a tease! What's her name? We know her last name is near the end...
Yeah, I understand the split lunch thing. I had that at one of my high schools. Would you believe they had bells anyway? Stupid, eh? Right annoying.
YAY! A name-and it's such a GOOD name! I've always been a fan of the name 'Samantha'. Now that I've got her name, I think it's a good thing that we didn't have it right away. Yeah. Leave it just as it is. *smiles*
I really like the way that the others slowly started to take note of her and that it made her uncomfortable. *laughs* Once again, an excellent clincher for the end that makes the reader want more and guarantees a return. Yeah, I enjoyed this chapter, and that's kinda all I have to say.
So here we go: I recognize that my critiques can be a first-rate annoyance. Even given your author's note at the beginning of this chapter, I'm going to leave it up to you whether I come back and do it again. Here's the deal: if you enjoyed my reviews and found them helpful, drop by my profile and PM me when you update this. I'll come back and review and, then, mark the 'inform me of updates' button and continue on until you're finished or tell me to quit it. If you'd rather I not leave such detailed reviews, then, just let me ride off into the sunset. *smiles*. Either way, I'm enjoy this story and hope you find the time/energy/inspiration to finish it.
17mousegirl05A good chapter!
Here again, we have her showing us (mostly) what she told us in the prologue (the make-up, the early to school/library). But here, the reader's already engaged in the story, so it's character building, not info-dumping.
I am not personally a fan of antagonizing the reader. (-I love my hoodie, leave me alone.-) Most readers will identify very strongly with her love for her hoodie. Their safety-blanket may not be a hoodie, but most people have at least one. While we all understand the defensiveness over our safety-blankets, being told, in so many words, to 'back off' is a little irritating. You know? We're agreeing with her, and she snaps at us. While some characters ARE supposed to be combative, you don't want to alienate your reader. They'll run off to find a character that won't. It's a fine line to walk. She doesn’t seem like she wants to be combative though-but that she wants to be left alone. Belligerence only breeds further confrontation.
Just as you've let this worn hoodie help define your character, music can be HUGELY descriptive. I know that you said she doesn't pay attention to it, but how much doesn't she pay attention? Does she pay such little attention that she has everything from rap to classical to reggae to disco to punk to honky-tonk? In that case, where does she GET said collection? Does she have music she REFUSES to listen to (she seems pretty strong on her dislikes, after all)? Is her background metal? Is it country? Is it Latin? Is she a fan of Simon and Garfunkle? the Beetles? Saying nothing about her music isn't bad, simply missing on a chance to build her as a character-just like you've done with her book selection. Based on the genre and its avid readers, we learn a great amount about this character without you having to tell us much.
Holy crap! Where does she live and what time of year is it that school starts before the sun rises? I remember leaving for school before the sun plenty of times, but usually the walk required far more than sweater and the sun was always up by the first bell. Maybe you don't mean sunrise? Is it just getting higher? Geeze… or does her school day really start at such an unholy hour? *shivers*
What a tease! What's her name? We know her last name is near the end...
Yeah, I understand the split lunch thing. I had that at one of my high schools. Would you believe they had bells anyway? Stupid, eh? Right annoying.
YAY! A name-and it's such a GOOD name! I've always been a fan of the name 'Samantha'. Now that I've got her name, I think it's a good thing that we didn't have it right away. Yeah. Leave it just as it is. *smiles*
I really like the way that the others slowly started to take note of her and that it made her uncomfortable. *laughs* Once again, an excellent clincher for the end that makes the reader want more and guarantees a return. Yeah, I enjoyed this chapter, and that's kinda all I have to say.
So here we go: I recognize that my critiques can be a first-rate annoyance. Even given your author's note at the beginning of this chapter, I'm going to leave it up to you whether I come back and do it again. Here's the deal: if you enjoyed my reviews and found them helpful, drop by my profile and PM me when you update this. I'll come back and review and, then, mark the 'inform me of updates' button and continue on until you're finished or tell me to quit it. If you'd rather I not leave such detailed reviews, then, just let me ride off into the sunset. *smiles*. Either way, I'm enjoy this story and hope you find the time/energy/inspiration to finish it.
1/26/2010 c3 mousegirl05
So for getting into the voice/head of the other characters, what I do is set up one prompt situation and then write all the characters in it that I'm trying to figure out. For example: it's raining really hard, and the character's waiting at the bus stop (or something) underneath an awning. All of the sudden a wet, blue puppy falls through the awning and drops right into his/her lap (ruining his/her clothes). Shortly, a man with multiple piercing comes running around the corner shouting that the paint-covered mutt is his. What happens? How does the dialogue work? Is the character irritated? surprised? chill? How much did his/her clothing cost? Is (s)he upset they’re now ruined or not? Does (s)he care that the puppy just fell from at least two stories up? How does (s)he respond to this pierced person?
Obviously, not all prompts need to be this outlandish. The best one I ever did was when I had to get into seven different characters' heads for one story. I picked sitting around playing cards and subsequently getting accuse of cheating (that he/she didn't do). You'd be surprised how clearly this can help you establish characters. Just put them in different situations and get to know them. As you get to know them, their actions/motivations/characters will come easier for you (as will their voice). As you get to know your characters, switching between them becomes easier because there are only so many ways they can/will react to things. Writing up something (or several things) like this will give you the added bonus of something to reread and 'get into' their heads.
You asked about POV switching. I am personally a fan of jumping point of view if you wish (as long as it’s well done). There are some stories that are greatly enriched by 'mind jumping'. However, I offer this caution: in a story written in fist POV, it can be extremely dangerous. There are a lot of people who are actually uncomfortable reading 1st POV at all; asking such individuals to read 1st POV for multiple characters WILL be a deal breaker. Even people who don't mind 1st person (such as myself) will have a hard time slipping between your characters if they are all 'I'. Understand? Now, a clever compromise would be to write one character in 1st person and then write the other character in 3rd person when 'looking' through their eyes. However, I would not jump POVs AND remain in 1st person.
Now, specific crits/comments about this chapter:
I DO like getting to see into Jared's head. I haven't read enough to know whether this is an advantage or a disadvantage to the story, but like I said, in general, I like multi-POV (you'd never guess based on my own posted writings, would you? *giggles*) I like to see that he doesn't fit the stereotype. That being said, he's complaining about his friends and we don't have any good reason why they're friends. If all he says is 'negatives', one is going to wonder WHY they're friends at all. Is it because he can't get friends he actually likes? Is it because it makes him feel superior/better about himself? (Not a character-strength, btw.) Maybe they've been friends forever and they're genuinely good guys? When there aren't girls around, they're actually okay? Matt and Logan are both ace at video games and Jared a closet-gamer? They're great paintballing-teammates? Matt likes to hang out with Logan, so Jared tolerates his best friend's friend? It's important to keep some identifiably even if you’re building character.
Now: don't take this wrong or too hard (and keep in mind that I should probably be the LAST person to criticize about this). I'm having a little bit of trouble 'feeling' Jared as a man. Granted, there are guys out there that don't want to sleep around and don't like slutty girls, but I feel (there's that opinion word again!) that his musings reads a little too much like a girl's inner monologue. He must understand his friends a LITTLE when it comes to girls? He's never seen/heard anything that turns him on? He really doesn't like hearing about his friends bedding a girl? Why? Does he not even understand the DESIRE? I hate to generalize, but men are men. Most think with their bodies, and if they don't, it doesn't mean their bodies are numb. It just means they have more integrity than others. I'm not saying you have to make any major changes-maybe just subtle comments/thoughts IF YOU DECIDE YOU WANT TO. Okay, that topic’s closed.
I actually enjoyed the Jared-centric section more than the female lead's. That being said, it could be only because there was so much more going on in his and it felt like we go so much closer to him as a character. It’s almost as if she’s as distant from the reader as she is from everyone else. This might be a danger—but it might just be early yet. *shrugs* We'll have to see, eh?
-Oh God, the muffin hates me.- I really liked this line. *laughs* It shows that Jared has a wry sense of humor (even in a potentially dangerous situation). That, and all the rest of his comments about death-by-muffin. Fabulous. *giggle*
-She had just saved ... most popular guy ... wanted my recognition.- O.o.o.h, this actually fits a little bit with how he kinda comes across as a jerk when complaining about his friends and girls. This sentence alone sets him up as an arrogant bag. Combined with what I mentioned earlier, he evolves into a pompous a$$. If you don't intend that, you'll really want to change it and the preceding stuff a little. *laughs* If you did intend it: brava, you did a good job. It can be fun to transform the most popular jerk in school. *smiles*
So, I also noticed the jumping of tenses that Secret-Stillness mentioned in his/her review. I'm afraid I have to disagree with the statement that it's 'not grammaticaly wrong in any way'. Actually, a very important part of composition/style (as important as POV even) is sticking to one tense. Not only does keeping with one tense give the reader one less thing to be distracted by, it shows that you have a more mature (correct) style and a better handle on your writing.
You are a wizard with chapter endings. Again, very good. I can tell this is going to be fun. This was a great chapter. Lots of action, and we're getting to know Jared. Nice.
Hopefully, that was a nice mix of areas to improve and praise. ^_^ Onwards! Cheers!
So for getting into the voice/head of the other characters, what I do is set up one prompt situation and then write all the characters in it that I'm trying to figure out. For example: it's raining really hard, and the character's waiting at the bus stop (or something) underneath an awning. All of the sudden a wet, blue puppy falls through the awning and drops right into his/her lap (ruining his/her clothes). Shortly, a man with multiple piercing comes running around the corner shouting that the paint-covered mutt is his. What happens? How does the dialogue work? Is the character irritated? surprised? chill? How much did his/her clothing cost? Is (s)he upset they’re now ruined or not? Does (s)he care that the puppy just fell from at least two stories up? How does (s)he respond to this pierced person?
Obviously, not all prompts need to be this outlandish. The best one I ever did was when I had to get into seven different characters' heads for one story. I picked sitting around playing cards and subsequently getting accuse of cheating (that he/she didn't do). You'd be surprised how clearly this can help you establish characters. Just put them in different situations and get to know them. As you get to know them, their actions/motivations/characters will come easier for you (as will their voice). As you get to know your characters, switching between them becomes easier because there are only so many ways they can/will react to things. Writing up something (or several things) like this will give you the added bonus of something to reread and 'get into' their heads.
You asked about POV switching. I am personally a fan of jumping point of view if you wish (as long as it’s well done). There are some stories that are greatly enriched by 'mind jumping'. However, I offer this caution: in a story written in fist POV, it can be extremely dangerous. There are a lot of people who are actually uncomfortable reading 1st POV at all; asking such individuals to read 1st POV for multiple characters WILL be a deal breaker. Even people who don't mind 1st person (such as myself) will have a hard time slipping between your characters if they are all 'I'. Understand? Now, a clever compromise would be to write one character in 1st person and then write the other character in 3rd person when 'looking' through their eyes. However, I would not jump POVs AND remain in 1st person.
Now, specific crits/comments about this chapter:
I DO like getting to see into Jared's head. I haven't read enough to know whether this is an advantage or a disadvantage to the story, but like I said, in general, I like multi-POV (you'd never guess based on my own posted writings, would you? *giggles*) I like to see that he doesn't fit the stereotype. That being said, he's complaining about his friends and we don't have any good reason why they're friends. If all he says is 'negatives', one is going to wonder WHY they're friends at all. Is it because he can't get friends he actually likes? Is it because it makes him feel superior/better about himself? (Not a character-strength, btw.) Maybe they've been friends forever and they're genuinely good guys? When there aren't girls around, they're actually okay? Matt and Logan are both ace at video games and Jared a closet-gamer? They're great paintballing-teammates? Matt likes to hang out with Logan, so Jared tolerates his best friend's friend? It's important to keep some identifiably even if you’re building character.
Now: don't take this wrong or too hard (and keep in mind that I should probably be the LAST person to criticize about this). I'm having a little bit of trouble 'feeling' Jared as a man. Granted, there are guys out there that don't want to sleep around and don't like slutty girls, but I feel (there's that opinion word again!) that his musings reads a little too much like a girl's inner monologue. He must understand his friends a LITTLE when it comes to girls? He's never seen/heard anything that turns him on? He really doesn't like hearing about his friends bedding a girl? Why? Does he not even understand the DESIRE? I hate to generalize, but men are men. Most think with their bodies, and if they don't, it doesn't mean their bodies are numb. It just means they have more integrity than others. I'm not saying you have to make any major changes-maybe just subtle comments/thoughts IF YOU DECIDE YOU WANT TO. Okay, that topic’s closed.
I actually enjoyed the Jared-centric section more than the female lead's. That being said, it could be only because there was so much more going on in his and it felt like we go so much closer to him as a character. It’s almost as if she’s as distant from the reader as she is from everyone else. This might be a danger—but it might just be early yet. *shrugs* We'll have to see, eh?
-Oh God, the muffin hates me.- I really liked this line. *laughs* It shows that Jared has a wry sense of humor (even in a potentially dangerous situation). That, and all the rest of his comments about death-by-muffin. Fabulous. *giggle*
-She had just saved ... most popular guy ... wanted my recognition.- O.o.o.h, this actually fits a little bit with how he kinda comes across as a jerk when complaining about his friends and girls. This sentence alone sets him up as an arrogant bag. Combined with what I mentioned earlier, he evolves into a pompous a$$. If you don't intend that, you'll really want to change it and the preceding stuff a little. *laughs* If you did intend it: brava, you did a good job. It can be fun to transform the most popular jerk in school. *smiles*
So, I also noticed the jumping of tenses that Secret-Stillness mentioned in his/her review. I'm afraid I have to disagree with the statement that it's 'not grammaticaly wrong in any way'. Actually, a very important part of composition/style (as important as POV even) is sticking to one tense. Not only does keeping with one tense give the reader one less thing to be distracted by, it shows that you have a more mature (correct) style and a better handle on your writing.
You are a wizard with chapter endings. Again, very good. I can tell this is going to be fun. This was a great chapter. Lots of action, and we're getting to know Jared. Nice.
Hopefully, that was a nice mix of areas to improve and praise. ^_^ Onwards! Cheers!
1/26/2010 c2 mousegirl05
Greetings! So at the beginning of the first chapter, you said you'd appreciate constructive criticism? Just so happens that happens to be almost as fun for me as writing my own stuff. *laughs* So, well, here I am to offer my little 2 cents (or $10, however it works out).
Let me start with the fact that I like the title. That, in itself, pulls someone in and makes them want to read.
So narratives are good and can be an excellent way to pull a reader into a story and get them to identify with a character. That being said, I feel (note the critical word of opinion here) that this work starts a little too slowly and takes a little too long to get to any form of action. I found myself skipping ahead, which can be terminal for a reader's attention. I might suggest outlining the basics and holding some back to sprinkle in throughout the whole of the piece. For example, the eating outside/lunch alone, the library, the dislike for shopping, etc. could all be saved until she's faced with these particular situations. This is based on the concept of 'showing' instead of 'telling'. Now that isn't to say that there shouldn't be a nice balance between the two, but too much of the latter (especially early) in any piece can be a kiss of death.
I feel the prologue could reasonably be shorted to include only the first, [first and last two sentences of] the fourth, the fifth, and the last. For that matter, it would be completely plausible to include ONLY the first and the last paragraph and then unfold everything else later.
The last paragraph of the prologue is strong. Very strong. It makes the reader want to know more and pulls them right into the story. They [I] want to know, what did she do? Spotlight? What spotlight? What happened? What did she interfere with? These are good things. You just have to get their eyes there soon enough to pique their interest.
Shortening the prologue significantly would also help keep the reader engaged far longer in the first chapter. See, a lot of what she DOES in chapter one, you've already SAID in the prologue. Problem's fixed with a severely pruned prologue. See? This is a form of showing, and the reader already wants to know what she does to drag her out of her normal pace, so it's cool to demonstrate what that normal pace is.
The ending to this chapter is also strong. Her assumptions are normal and identifiable, which makes the reader wonder exactly how this Jared (or someone else maybe?) is going to surprise us.
It would be nice to have a name to go with her. Either she can tell us, or someone could call out to her, or she could hear whispers or something. Names are important. I understand why you might not want to include it-the whole invisible person thing. Just keep in mind that it's easier to identify with a real person instead of intangible thoughts and actions. It's a fine line-and it might be one you can walk with care. Think about it, eh?
Ah, yes, in general, using caps to emphasis something is a little... sketch, is the only word that comes to mind. It's kinda like yelling at the reader. Bold or italics is a little more subtle while still getting your point across and is a little more mature appearing/feeling. (I would say that, using caps here to emphasis my own words *laughs* I blame the fact that the review function doesn’t allow for italics-my preferred method of emphasis. ^_^)
Now, I’m off to find out exactly what’s going to happen with Jared and our heroine!
Greetings! So at the beginning of the first chapter, you said you'd appreciate constructive criticism? Just so happens that happens to be almost as fun for me as writing my own stuff. *laughs* So, well, here I am to offer my little 2 cents (or $10, however it works out).
Let me start with the fact that I like the title. That, in itself, pulls someone in and makes them want to read.
So narratives are good and can be an excellent way to pull a reader into a story and get them to identify with a character. That being said, I feel (note the critical word of opinion here) that this work starts a little too slowly and takes a little too long to get to any form of action. I found myself skipping ahead, which can be terminal for a reader's attention. I might suggest outlining the basics and holding some back to sprinkle in throughout the whole of the piece. For example, the eating outside/lunch alone, the library, the dislike for shopping, etc. could all be saved until she's faced with these particular situations. This is based on the concept of 'showing' instead of 'telling'. Now that isn't to say that there shouldn't be a nice balance between the two, but too much of the latter (especially early) in any piece can be a kiss of death.
I feel the prologue could reasonably be shorted to include only the first, [first and last two sentences of] the fourth, the fifth, and the last. For that matter, it would be completely plausible to include ONLY the first and the last paragraph and then unfold everything else later.
The last paragraph of the prologue is strong. Very strong. It makes the reader want to know more and pulls them right into the story. They [I] want to know, what did she do? Spotlight? What spotlight? What happened? What did she interfere with? These are good things. You just have to get their eyes there soon enough to pique their interest.
Shortening the prologue significantly would also help keep the reader engaged far longer in the first chapter. See, a lot of what she DOES in chapter one, you've already SAID in the prologue. Problem's fixed with a severely pruned prologue. See? This is a form of showing, and the reader already wants to know what she does to drag her out of her normal pace, so it's cool to demonstrate what that normal pace is.
The ending to this chapter is also strong. Her assumptions are normal and identifiable, which makes the reader wonder exactly how this Jared (or someone else maybe?) is going to surprise us.
It would be nice to have a name to go with her. Either she can tell us, or someone could call out to her, or she could hear whispers or something. Names are important. I understand why you might not want to include it-the whole invisible person thing. Just keep in mind that it's easier to identify with a real person instead of intangible thoughts and actions. It's a fine line-and it might be one you can walk with care. Think about it, eh?
Ah, yes, in general, using caps to emphasis something is a little... sketch, is the only word that comes to mind. It's kinda like yelling at the reader. Bold or italics is a little more subtle while still getting your point across and is a little more mature appearing/feeling. (I would say that, using caps here to emphasis my own words *laughs* I blame the fact that the review function doesn’t allow for italics-my preferred method of emphasis. ^_^)
Now, I’m off to find out exactly what’s going to happen with Jared and our heroine!
1/8/2010 c4 Secret-Stillness
hey there, love this chappie, short and to the point. I have a few observations one is this sentance combo "Think what you want, I will wear my hoodie until it gets so many wholes that it falls off my body. Then I patch it up and wear it some more."
one:spelling error for the word "holes" two: missing action tense in the form the word "will" between the words "I" and "patch"
My second observation is that you switch between past and present tenses a LOT, like where you say "I managed to" as in past tense but the next sentece is in present tense. While not grammaticaly wrong in any way, switching tenses can make the flow of the piece a little difficult to follow and grasp and I was interrupted a few times whle I tried to get my bearings
I love the way that this is written, keep up the good work
(p.s)I am not an English major, I'm just one of those people who will read dictionaries for fun,getting upset when there isn't a broad enough spectrum in word choice :) metaphors be with you
Secret-Stillness
hey there, love this chappie, short and to the point. I have a few observations one is this sentance combo "Think what you want, I will wear my hoodie until it gets so many wholes that it falls off my body. Then I patch it up and wear it some more."
one:spelling error for the word "holes" two: missing action tense in the form the word "will" between the words "I" and "patch"
My second observation is that you switch between past and present tenses a LOT, like where you say "I managed to" as in past tense but the next sentece is in present tense. While not grammaticaly wrong in any way, switching tenses can make the flow of the piece a little difficult to follow and grasp and I was interrupted a few times whle I tried to get my bearings
I love the way that this is written, keep up the good work
(p.s)I am not an English major, I'm just one of those people who will read dictionaries for fun,getting upset when there isn't a broad enough spectrum in word choice :) metaphors be with you
Secret-Stillness
1/8/2010 c4 1GeTLoW
finaly wrote more chptrs
i'm so proud of u
nwayz luved dah recent ones
dey were amazin
keep dah hard work
n plz jst plz write more chptrs
1GeTLoWfinaly wrote more chptrs
i'm so proud of u
nwayz luved dah recent ones
dey were amazin
keep dah hard work
n plz jst plz write more chptrs
1/6/2010 c1 Secret-Stillness
I really love this story, and I really love your main character. please keep writing this is a wonderful story, I hope you don't mind if I make some editing suggestions as I read. But, if you do, simply tell me and I shall go on reading it just the same for this story has captured my attention
I really love this story, and I really love your main character. please keep writing this is a wonderful story, I hope you don't mind if I make some editing suggestions as I read. But, if you do, simply tell me and I shall go on reading it just the same for this story has captured my attention
1/6/2010 c3 7Scarlet Dawn
YAY! You updated! LOVE YA! and I LOVE this story! It's really good. Continue and update soon!
7Scarlet DawnYAY! You updated! LOVE YA! and I LOVE this story! It's really good. Continue and update soon!
1/5/2010 c2 Scarlet Dawn
Wow. Nice. Very nice writing skills. I hope you update. I really love this story. Please do. I'll beg until you do. XD
Wow. Nice. Very nice writing skills. I hope you update. I really love this story. Please do. I'll beg until you do. XD