for Don't Fall For The Players10/25/2012 c3 
1PrincessD8
I love this story. I really like Colton. He's got this whole, sweet side going on. And I love his little sister! She is sooo cute! Can't wait to read on tomorrow!
1PrincessD8I love this story. I really like Colton. He's got this whole, sweet side going on. And I love his little sister! She is sooo cute! Can't wait to read on tomorrow!
10/12/2012 c37 DA-chen1
Wow, love them together!
They're not like these cliche lovers! They actually speak to each other and when something isn't clear, they ASK the other part, what's up with you? It's really nice and realistic!
Love the story!
Mira
Wow, love them together!
They're not like these cliche lovers! They actually speak to each other and when something isn't clear, they ASK the other part, what's up with you? It's really nice and realistic!
Love the story!
Mira
10/11/2012 c15 DA-chen1
I think, it's really sweet.. they are talking to each other and they trust each other... it's really nice! :-)
Mira
I think, it's really sweet.. they are talking to each other and they trust each other... it's really nice! :-)
Mira
9/25/2012 c40 missyb1988
I really loved this had me on hooks to read it all at once didn't want a break I think the story line was really interesting if I'm honest though there was quite a lot of mistakes throughout the read could of been edited better but hey ho still a good read well done :)
I really loved this had me on hooks to read it all at once didn't want a break I think the story line was really interesting if I'm honest though there was quite a lot of mistakes throughout the read could of been edited better but hey ho still a good read well done :)
9/16/2012 c1 4Author Leigh Songstad
Wow, you're a great writer! I'm going to have to move on and see what happens. I just recently heard of fanficiton i'm going to have to check it out!
4Author Leigh SongstadWow, you're a great writer! I'm going to have to move on and see what happens. I just recently heard of fanficiton i'm going to have to check it out!
9/16/2012 c1 4whatthegreencarrot
You were missing quite a few commas in this chapter. I know a lot of people who've got trouble with comma placement, and you basically place commas when you would pause in a normal sentence when you talk. For example, you wrote something like (I'm not saying this is an exact quote, just a rough estimate)—
["Yeah," he said leaning down] or something of the sort. In that case, there would be a comma after "said." When you keep writing after the character's dialogue, there's usually a comma after. There was also this, and although it's not a mistake, it might be taken into consideration—
["Hey girl, I am running to that bathroom real quick," I tell Molly as I jump off the stands and run to the bathroom before we leave.] People usually talk a bit differently. For example, your average person would probably say,
["Hey girl, I'm running to the bathroom real quick," I tell Molly as I jump off the stands and run to the bathroom before we leave.]
You should try fitting in more apostrophes in there, just because nowadays people are more inclined to use shortcuts than to speak both words. Like, lots of people like saying "don't" rather than "do not," and "can't" instead of "cannot." The works.
Keep it up, it was an interesting first chapter! Just try to put in commas more, and you should be fine.
4whatthegreencarrotYou were missing quite a few commas in this chapter. I know a lot of people who've got trouble with comma placement, and you basically place commas when you would pause in a normal sentence when you talk. For example, you wrote something like (I'm not saying this is an exact quote, just a rough estimate)—
["Yeah," he said leaning down] or something of the sort. In that case, there would be a comma after "said." When you keep writing after the character's dialogue, there's usually a comma after. There was also this, and although it's not a mistake, it might be taken into consideration—
["Hey girl, I am running to that bathroom real quick," I tell Molly as I jump off the stands and run to the bathroom before we leave.] People usually talk a bit differently. For example, your average person would probably say,
["Hey girl, I'm running to the bathroom real quick," I tell Molly as I jump off the stands and run to the bathroom before we leave.]
You should try fitting in more apostrophes in there, just because nowadays people are more inclined to use shortcuts than to speak both words. Like, lots of people like saying "don't" rather than "do not," and "can't" instead of "cannot." The works.
Keep it up, it was an interesting first chapter! Just try to put in commas more, and you should be fine.
9/2/2012 c10 7Seer of the Worlds
Great story so far. I'm reading through this quickly. I like the "I'm not what I seem" thing too. I'm adding this to my faves since I'm too tired to contimue reading tonight. I may read some more chapters as well. I like it! ;)
7Seer of the WorldsGreat story so far. I'm reading through this quickly. I like the "I'm not what I seem" thing too. I'm adding this to my faves since I'm too tired to contimue reading tonight. I may read some more chapters as well. I like it! ;)
8/24/2012 c40 daydrmr
I just might take you up on that BETA position! Because your grammar is atrocious!
Really, conceded? It's conceited. There are so many more, that I can't list them all. If I get a chance later, I'll PM you. Maybe we can work something out, if you haven't already gotten someone.
Just to let you know, I've spent the last 3-4 yrs. cruising this site without signing up, because it seemed too much of a hassle. But lately, there are just so many writers here that need someone to edit their work, that I caved in! I don't have any work posted here, but if I can help others it'll be worth the effort.
I want to help you and others that post here, because let's face it, there really is a fine line between 'good' work and 'great' work. The fewer the errors, the greater the flow. The better the flow, the faster you get to the end of a story and realize that you want/need more.
I just might take you up on that BETA position! Because your grammar is atrocious!
Really, conceded? It's conceited. There are so many more, that I can't list them all. If I get a chance later, I'll PM you. Maybe we can work something out, if you haven't already gotten someone.
Just to let you know, I've spent the last 3-4 yrs. cruising this site without signing up, because it seemed too much of a hassle. But lately, there are just so many writers here that need someone to edit their work, that I caved in! I don't have any work posted here, but if I can help others it'll be worth the effort.
I want to help you and others that post here, because let's face it, there really is a fine line between 'good' work and 'great' work. The fewer the errors, the greater the flow. The better the flow, the faster you get to the end of a story and realize that you want/need more.
8/17/2012 c37 stacywilcher
This is one of my fav. stories on fictionpress. Great job. I love Colton and Teney!
This is one of my fav. stories on fictionpress. Great job. I love Colton and Teney!