for Wrong Fall5/30/2010 c2 
14Alysia Of The Pen
. . . please edit this story. As mentioned in the last review, you keep switching between past and present tense, some phrases make no grammatical sense (like "thanks for the crowd they slowed my BS's moves . . . or so I say."), some sentences go on without proper puncuation("I'm so confused I don't know what to do . . . "), and while I know that this is marked fantasy . . . it seems to exist outside of any reality I've ever heard of, possibly including Twilight. It reads like a ramble in a high school girl's notebook, which is (I assume) how it started its life. Moreover, it feels disjointed because of that, and it's hard to read, much less enjoy, that way. I beg you to edit and revise this, and to give it some sort of recognizable flow.
14Alysia Of The Pen. . . please edit this story. As mentioned in the last review, you keep switching between past and present tense, some phrases make no grammatical sense (like "thanks for the crowd they slowed my BS's moves . . . or so I say."), some sentences go on without proper puncuation("I'm so confused I don't know what to do . . . "), and while I know that this is marked fantasy . . . it seems to exist outside of any reality I've ever heard of, possibly including Twilight. It reads like a ramble in a high school girl's notebook, which is (I assume) how it started its life. Moreover, it feels disjointed because of that, and it's hard to read, much less enjoy, that way. I beg you to edit and revise this, and to give it some sort of recognizable flow.
5/30/2010 c1 Alysia Of The Pen
A bit cute, admittedly. There's definitely something there.
However, the last line doesn't make any sense with the rest of the chapter. Perhaps a problem of transitioning?
You also switch between present and past tense several times here, and it's not only irritating, it's confusing. You must choose one.
Your narrator seems to have changed a few times as well: in the first part of a sentence you'll describe what is going on in a straight voice, with no personal comments, then in the second part, the narration is almost like an author's note or an annotation from a student in a book.
Plus some phrases like "which is not." don't make a lick of sense.
A bit cute, admittedly. There's definitely something there.
However, the last line doesn't make any sense with the rest of the chapter. Perhaps a problem of transitioning?
You also switch between present and past tense several times here, and it's not only irritating, it's confusing. You must choose one.
Your narrator seems to have changed a few times as well: in the first part of a sentence you'll describe what is going on in a straight voice, with no personal comments, then in the second part, the narration is almost like an author's note or an annotation from a student in a book.
Plus some phrases like "which is not." don't make a lick of sense.